Good news showed up out of the blue yesterday. A friend was contacted about a long-term sub teaching job and wasn't interested so she referred them to W. Within hours, W was meeting with the school principal and was offered the job. She start's 2/9 and looks like it will go through the end of the year.
This will both help with finances as well as get L a foot in the door for a full time teaching job in the fall. It will be interesting to see how this impacts our M. Still no additional conversations since our last talk and I suggested we go our separate ways.
Either way, she can choose to focus her new income to helping the family or to build her own life. No expectations on my part. I just know it helps me to focus where I need to so that I can get my family in a better place financially.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
that's my plan. Let her take back a credit card to be responsible for and stop adding funds to her accounts. That will free up some cashflow to pay down some things and have a little extra to enjoy with the kids.
Tax return is done also. We get a refund but also have to pay a deductible for a roof replacement, braces for my son and we need to catch up a few things for Christmas. There should still be some left so we will need to talk through what happens to that. She starts work Monday but may not get a paycheck for 3 to 4 weeks based upon how the school handles the payroll process. Then that will give her about 4 months of teaching. Schools here let out at Memorial weekend.
I'm not optimistic about her cooperation to be honest. When she does talk about money (mostly to others) its about what she wants to buy or do). All the more reason to have my boundaries ready.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Ah,the downside of snow days... We've had two recent dustings of snow around here and I'm impressed that there is very minimal freaking out going on. Of course that doesn't stop the weather reporters from discussing all the potential catastrophes that could occur.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
My W started her long-term subbing job yesterday and loved it. She's teaching her favorite subject and had a really good day.
I got to go attend an awards ceremony at school for my D11 which was great. And to continue to be who I want to be, I got flowers for my W and made them from me & the kids to congratulate her on her first day of the new job. I also called on my way home to check and see how her day went. It went to vm but she called me back quickly and told me about the day.
Over the weekend, I had to deal with my own anger. On Friday we went out for W's bday. We went with friends which was a good distraction and kept away the awkwardness of just the 2 of us. We tried a place we'd not been before. Its a local restaurant. The chef owns a couple in our town and is from New Orleans. It was excellent. W really enjoyed the evening and thanked me for it the next day.
Then on Saturday, W went out again with the single girls from work and stayed out until 3 am. They went to a place that is very much geared towards women who dress to get attention and men who want to give it.
It was a situation where I, again, hoped that a good evening meant changes for the positive and it just doesn't work that way. When I step back and review the reality of life, W continues to do what she wants and gives no focus to our M. She expresses happiness when she gets what she wants. There are no steps or behaviors that would indicate she is willing to give any work towards our M.
I was reminded that I have often tried to create the proper environment to "allow" my W to be happy and that's just not my job. I will do what I feel is appropriate to be kind and caring but I will never be able to create a "perfect" environment to allow her to love. That's on her to decide. I almost started another conversation on Sunday with W as a follow up to our "going our separate ways" talk a few weeks ago. But she was so stressed and rushed about getting things ready for her new job I decided it was not the time.
That talk still needs to continue. I had left it up to her to continue if she wanted to work on things. Since that is not happening, then I will continue it to explain my choice to divorce. The weight of that choice is starting to hit me but I still feel its the path I need to take. My M remains shallow if not fake and the example to my kids is not healthy.
I'm tired of feeling used and manipulated. These are my feelings and to do something about that I need to change things. At this point, that change is to start a divorce.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Agree. I know you have other reasons for moving slowly. Scheduling followup talks to explain more about what you already said, sounds like you are expecting that she's going to see it your way, and agree that D is OK since she won't work on M. She may never see it your way. I think you've explained through your words and actions, in counseling and out of it, and you're in action mode now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
