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#2413743 12/12/13 01:25 AM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Hi. Thought I'd start here before jumping to the "Big D" forum.

Here is the link to my last thread in newcomers..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2295110&page=1

Its been 3 1/2 years since the bomb drop. Found out this year a PA was going on for 2 years of that. My W does not want to divorce but also does not want to work on our M. She is in IC for her own depression but will not go to MC and has even told me she has refused to deal with issues related to our M to her IC even though her IC has encouraged her to.

W feels we can "function" for the sake of the kids (S15 & D11). But we can continue to live separate lives.

I disagree and here's why:
-We are setting an example of a disrespectful and uncaring marriage for our kids. Interactions between us are robotic and necessary.
-W continues to lie about many things. Still keeps memento's of OM in the house after saying she had got rid of them.
-Caught W with a second OM in the past few months. She claims they are only friends. Said she would stop contact but lied about that as well as I found txt messages between them on the phone bill.
-Says she will help with debt she created but even with working she continues to buy herself clothes and other things secretly. Some improvements here but overall, she still is not taking responsibility for the credit card debt she created.
W has slept with our D11 for the past 3 years.

My main concern is the kids. She's a good mom but the kids know things are well. W has told them about her depression.

I am torn between her argument that its best for the kids if we stay together, it appears more that its an excuse to not have to take responsibility for herself. Even a platonic relationship to function for the kids should not involve deception and secret relationships. I feel to allow such things to continue will set an even worse example for my kids on what they should accept (or settle for) in a marriage.

At this point I am working to get through the holidays and then find a lawyer and start looking into what it will actually take and what all is involved to get divorced.

Thoughts & direction are appreciated. Thanks,


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2414091 12/13/13 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted By: ces67
I am torn between her argument that its best for the kids if we stay together, it appears more that its an excuse to not have to take responsibility for herself.

Until her actions match these words you will be beating your head against a wall.

It is pure cake eating and I agree with you that you can not tolerate this.

She can not be in a relationship with you and with someone else.
Keep working on those boundaries and dont be disrespected.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2414377 12/13/13 08:43 PM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Thanks Cadet. Still on my plan as is...get through the holidays, enjoy the kids then find a lawyer and lay out what I'm willing to live with and not for a healthy home and move forward from there.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2418163 12/27/13 10:16 AM
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I hope you had a nice Christmas! What things went well? What challenges did you deal with?


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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ces67 Offline OP
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Hey Ad, I had a good visit with my in-laws. We're close, especially my b-i-l who has supported me through all of the past 3 years. I enjoyed my time with my kids and had a specially good time staying up late with my daughter watching "White Christmas". All the other adults (19 total in the house) went to bed to it was good father-daughter time.

There is always good food when the family gets together. We have lots of new nieces & nephews around along with a couple foster babies that my in-laws have. They were a lot of fun and its always relaxing to just still and hold a baby while they sleep.

There were a few challenges but I feel I've handled them well. As far as W & me, we interacted very little and I chose to not engage her in any way unless she initiated. I was kind, and cordial, but I did not go out of my way to talk to her or be with her.

My mother in law, is another challenge. She had a tumor removed from her optic nerve several years ago and it cause a change in personality. My W is an unofficial foster child to this family. My m-i-l, was a licensed social worker who truly helped W through the loss of her mom at 16. They were very close. Since the surgery, its been almost like losing another mother for my W. My m-i-l is now extremely critical and obnoxious. She snips at my kids and tends to just glare at them as if they don't belong. She isn't real friendly to my W or me either. All of my W's siblings still are loving and caring towards us and we feel part of the family.

With everything else, my patients for my m-i-l has been very low. I've avoided her a good bit and had to have a few talks with my kids about the fact that she does have brain damage and they should not take her actions personally. Its still hard for kids to understand. Oh, and we brought our dog which apparently the 4lb chihuahua is a massive annoyance and bother. So looks like I'll be taking her home with me tomorrow.

This is not a marriage I am willing to be part of. Its not a marriage. Its not even a partnership. I need to find a way to let my W know this and move forward on a D. There is still an outside chance she may decide to work on our M, but I am very leary of any interest on her part now. I'm skeptical of her motives and it would take a great deal to convince me she actually cared to save our M and not just avoid the issues of divorce.

A week at home by myself should help get my thoughts straight and find a lawyer to help me get my facts.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2418869 12/30/13 02:31 AM
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Thanks for writing back! It's tragic what happened to your MIL, probably hard on everyone around her. Sorry, just more stuff for you to be incredibly understanding and strong about. Putting some distance in when you start to lose your patience is a really good idea.

I'm so glad you had some good moments in your visit too. Sleeping babies are the best thing in the world! The movie with your D sounded great too.

Good luck with everything.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Being on the receiving end of the BD myself I would have to say it does serve as a monstrously large wake up call. Perhaps your consultation with a lawyer, you giving that information to your wife, will be as large of a wake up call to her as it was for me.

Then there will be only two directions to go from there and you can determine which you deem more worthy.

Also being on the receiving end of the BD and having a completely closed minded wife to the concept that i could change....i would caution you on your belief/skepticism of your wife's statements. In addition to that though, she might be a lying snake so protect yourself. It is like having two mirrors facing each other....that process could go on and on and i certainly don't have the answer!


me 41 w43
married 20 years
BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY....
4 kids, 21,18,8,6
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ces67 Offline OP
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I was actually looking up the number of an attorney that a friend recommended when I read your post.

This really is a decision for me to move forward. It is not a tactic or "wake up call" for my W. How she responds is up to her. If by some chance she decided to put effort towards the marriage, then we'll see. But after 3 1/2 years, I will need to see a very different approach from her to be convinced. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but realistic.

While I still struggle with resentment, it is far less than before. My focus is primarily about the well being of my kids and what example is best for them as well as how I can live a healthy & productive life. Accepting an arrangement that involves deception, withdrawal and irresponsibility is not healthy.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2420236 01/03/14 10:50 PM
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ces67 Offline OP
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Just a bit of journaling.

I stayed home today not feeling well. The extra sleep felt good.

I picked up the mail and found a letter from a department store addressed to me. When I opened it, it turned out to be a bill. I had found out about the account when doing some other work on my finances. My wife had opened the account. I asked her about it a few months ago and she said she had opened it to get school stuff for the kids. What she did not tell me is that she opened the account in my name only. Here name is no where on the statement. The balance isn't much but I will be making sure it is set for "payments only"

Then after paying bills, I realized she had spent around $150 on who knows what, but with money that was suppose to cover her gas to get home from her sister's tomorrow. I've texted her to call me but no response yet.

This is the ongoing pattern. She does what she wants and then I get put in the position to figure out how to pay for things we really need like food. This is a pattern that will not be happening in the new year.

I called a lawyer today that a friend had recommended. I left a message and hope to meet with him next week to start getting my facts together.

This year is going to be different. Its going to be hard, no doubt. But it will the the type of hard that pays off instead of languishing...


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2420482 01/05/14 01:32 AM
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Ces - I am sorry to hear that the patterns of your W's behavior are not changing.

As you said:
"Accepting an arrangement that involves deception, withdrawal and irresponsibility is not healthy."

Yes, it's not healthy - for anyone, including your kids. I am glad to see that you are ready to change things. It will be hard, but good for you. YOU matter.

(((((((((ces))))))))


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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