When you start out on this journey, it is about your marriage and your spouse. But really and truly, YOU are the most important thing in all this. Your feelings, your spirit, your drive, your beliefs. Dbing is about saving yourself, and sometimes it saves marriages.
As you go through all the stages of grief over what your marriage once was, you begin to realize some things and that is when the growth begins.
I think we can all say that our marriages weren’t perfect. No marriage ever is.
So, looking within is where you start. You need to think about the things that need changing.
While none of us wanted this, none of us saw it coming; we are given an amazing opportunity. We get to start anew. We get to go back to thinking about who we are and what we want.
When we begin to make changes, slowly at first, with trepidation, trying on this new person, it is scary. And then, eventually we become who we were meant to be.
We should learn that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When that happens, the real healing begins. We can’t really love someone else, until we love ourselves.
When I began this, I wanted to make a roadmap. I started to think about some questions I wanted to ask myself. What did I want to see when I looked back? Who did I want to see? What did I want to show my son?
I knew I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to say I acted with dignity, courage, strength and grace. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I didn’t want to fail at this opportunity of showing my son how to get through life’s tough parts. I wanted to know that I did nothing to interfere with my son's relationship with his father and I was responsible to cause no harm to it.
So, with this roadmap, I figured out how to move forward and detach. I learned to believe in me. I knew that I trusted in Him. I knew because of that, I would be ok.
I learned that the hardest part in all this is in letting go. But, that is the greatest act of love. It doesn’t mean you are giving up. It doesn’t mean you do not care. It is saying that you hear your spouse; you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to lovingly allow them to walk their journey.
With that mindset, you begin to detach in that their actions and words do not affect your actions and words. You are allowing them to live their life, and figure themselves out and you are allowing yourself to do the same.
When it is time, the hope is that no matter what, you come to a place of forgiveness. That is so important. You do not want to carry that anger and bitterness around with you forever. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. Forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different. My friends, I know how devastating this is. I know that it is a pain which you have never known before. I know that you feel lost and powerless. Please know you will not always feel that way. You will get through this. You will be ok. You will come out the other side stronger and wiser.
I have been here a long time. I have seen marriages restored and marriages irretrievably broken. I have seen people become who they were meant to be and those who never quite become whole.
This journey you are on, this process, is very hard. You did not ask for it. God knows, you may wish it never happened. But we do not ever know what is going to happen in life. We think we have it all mapped out in our heads. It rarely goes that way.
So, when we are given a challenge like the one we have been given, there are a few ways we can go.
We can give up, cut our losses and move on.
We can fight with all we have until we cannot any longer.
We can learn and grow and become who we were meant to be.
We can accept that life sometimes is really tough or rail against the devil and blame him.
The thing to remember is this. We, all of us, may sometimes feel like we have no choice in this and blame it all on our spouse or ourselves for that matter.
But we pay a huge price when we do that.
We do not look inside. We do not do the work. We continue to blame whomever we blame.
We sell ourselves short when we do that. We lose an amazing opportunity when we do that.
We miss out on taking control of us and OUR life.
And in reality, that is the only thing we have control over.
So, yes, this succks. It really does. It's hard and it's heartbreaking. But it is also so powerful.
When we begin to understand that we have control over our part of the journey - whether we quit or not, whether we grow or not, whether we accept or not, man, what power we have. What an opportunity we have, what great lessons we can learn.
When it gets really tough, take some time, back away, regroup, find some peace in whatever way you can at that moment.
When you are ready, get back on your path. Dig deep, find your footing, stand strong.
We have power in all this.
We have choices we can make. We can choose how to behave, what to feel, how to love.
I will tell you this. No matter what happens, you will not regret that you stood if you do the work.
You will not regret that you were someone who loved so much you were willing to let your spouse go.
You will not regret that when you realized you could do it no more, you were able to look back and see that you acted with dignity and courage and strength.
This is a journey you were meant to go on. I believe that with everything I have.
I wanted to share my thoughts regarding an OM or OW.
Those of you who know my story, know that there was an OW.
I remember how crushed I was to find that out. It was mind numbing, really. I felt like someone had reached into my heart and squeezed it as tight as they could.
But I also remember what I promised myself at the start of all this. That I would always act with dignity.
And so, I did not have any contact with her.
I knew her from H's past. She was his first GF many years ago.
She was very smart, well educated, and married. I remember for a brief moment thinking what does she have that I didn’t?
Then I realized, she did not have anything that I lacked. But I had many things that she lacked. She did not have my character, my heart, my compassion. She did not have my morals, my dignity, and my strength.
She did not even have my h, not in any real sense. She had a shell of a man, a broken man, a man who was lost and in crisis. She was, quite simply, a band aid.
So, I made a decision not to give her any of my headspace. She was not worthy of it.
Their affair was a house of cards, built on lies and deceit. There was no substance, no respect. It was two broken people looking for a life raft in the middle of a hurricane and a tsunami.
You cannot have a relationship sustain where its foundation is the breaking up of a marriage.
I knew that it could not endure with all those things as its cornerstone. How could it?
And it didnt.
When I spoke with my xh about it sometime later, I asked him, "Did you really think that relationship was going to last?"
His answer, "No, I knew deep down it would not. I was hurting and wanted a quick fix. That was all it was, I know that now. During my affair, while the adrenaline was pumping, so, too, was the guilt. But I didn’t know how to fix it or me. And so, I didn’t."
So, my friends, do not give the OP any of your power.
Remember who you are. Remember what you are made of. Stand with dignity and remember that character and compassion and loyalty matter.
The feeling that you won’t get through this will go away. Really embrace the fact that you did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better. Own only your own stuff, let your spouse own theirs. Your spouse is in a life crisis. It is their journey. Let them walk it. Your job is to get out of the way. Any changes you deem necessary to make have to be real and for you. If they are not, it doesn’t serve you well and doesn’t help the situation. Always act with dignity. Use the feelings of anger you will have as a way to propel you forward. Feel them, and then let them wash over you and let them go. Otherwise it will weigh you down and sap your energy. You may feel you need your spouse, but in reality, you don’t. You want them. There is a difference. Never, ever get in the way of your children’s relationship with their other parent. Your children are looking to you to show them how to navigate through life’s difficulties. What a gift you have been given. Make sure you show them well. This journey is a wonderful opportunity to become the person you were meant to be – the very best you. Forgiveness brings you freedom and peace. And something so important – always remember that you are worthy. No one can take that away – except you.
I have learned that while there are many similarities in a MLC, there are also some differences.
Generally, though, the MLCer goes through some stages. Not all of them go through each one. Not all of them go through them in the same order.
They go in and out of them. Up and around again while trying to figure out their stuff.
They are trying to figure out what they want, who they are. They are trying to reconcile what behaviors will stay from before the MLC. What things they will keep from during the crisis. What do they want their lives to look like now?
They have to decipher and accept what brought them into the tunnel.
Because all this inner turmoil is happening, it causes them to sometimes revert back to some of the behaviors from the beginning of it all.
They need to reconcile what happened in that stage and then close the door on it.
It is normal for them to revisit a lot of it.
This really is the time for you to let them know you are around, but, let them see you are giving them a lot of space. This time is crucial. They are extremely fragile. They are working really hard.
It is all part of the process. It is all part of the journey out of the tunnel.
I know it is so hard to watch. I know that your first instinct may be to want to reach in and pull them the rest of the way out.
But, while you can be there guiding them from a distance, this part really has to be done by them. If it isn’t, they may need to finish it later.
So, hang in there. Remember how far you've come. You are getting closer to the finish line.
Now is not the time to quit. You can dig in just a bit more.
Several of them up close. I have spoken to those who survived a MLC and those who are still stuck.
I have seen marriages survive and marriages that remain broken. I have seen MLCers come out of it, and some who never do.
I have seen LBSers stand and not stand. I have seen some who wish they did and others who are glad they didnt.
The thing of it is this. I accepted that this was a crisis. I knew it without a doubt.
My xh had stood with me through some very difficult times. We had a history, a life.
And so, knowing these things, I knew that for me, it was important to stand.
I wanted to honor a long term marriage, my only child's father, my vows, and the man I had known and loved all those years.
I had my roadmap of how I was going to act. I accepted that I could not control what my h was doing, or whether or not he looks inside. I could only control me.
I knew I had work to do. I knew what I would be able to withstand and what I could not.
This path is personal to the individuals on it.
I will say that it is important not to lose oneself in it all. It is important to know when the cost is too great. It is ok when you cannot do it anymore. It is important to take care of you and to protect your heart.
It is also important to be true to yourself. It is ok to have hope, to believe, just as it is ok to feel worn down.
I will tell you that I do not regret what I chose. I do not regret who I have become. I do not regret that I loved so deeply.
We cannot fix them. But we can take this as an opportunity to look within, to learn, to grow.
I want you to make your decisions based on your beliefs from a place of strength. Life gives us hard stuff sometimes.
The ability to rise above them is a testament to the human spirit.
I understand and respect whatever decision one makes for oneself.
I want for all of you to be the best you can be. I want you to know without a doubt that it all matters, who you are, what you stand for.
I know my friends on here struggle with understanding all this.
I get why they do. It is craziness, this crisis.
To see someone you have loved, have lived with, have shared a life and a history with become someone so foreign, is so hard to understand.
I know we are programmed to try to figure stuff out.
But sometimes in life, it just isnt possible unless it is happening to you.
You can sympathize with someone who has cancer, but, cant possibly know what it feels like to have it.
You can ache for someone who has lost a child, but, cannot feel the depth of their pain unless you have, too.
And that is ok, you know. It is ok to say I just dont get it, dont understand it, cant get my mind around it.
It is not a weakness in you, a lacking in you that you cant.
When someone has cancer or has lost someone, you have empathy; you have compassion, regardless of whether or not you can completely feel their particular pain.
These loved ones who are in crisis, deserve that as well.
It doesnt give them a free pass, not at all. But we love them, and so, we should try to feel for them.
There is plenty of time in the future to figure out how you will deal with the fallout if they come through this.
Plenty of time to decide what you need, what you want the relationship to look like if it comes to that.
What you do need to decide is whether you can forgive them and yourself.
So, do your best for as long as you can. Honor your long time relationship the best way you know how.
I know the pain in the beginning. It is hard to breathe at times. Hard to concentrate, hard to get your mind around what has happened.
I want you to know it will not always feel like this. You will feel strong again, whole again, happy again. You will.
It will help if you do a few things. One of the best things you can do is to accept that this is happening. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to understand it right now. But, the sooner you can just accept that this is your life at this moment, the sooner you can begin to heal.
If you fight against it, if you wish it wasn’t happening, you stay stuck. You cannot move forward holding onto all of that. That is just wasted energy. Energy better spent on you.
You must learn to forgive yourself. The way to do that is to remember that whatever you did or didn’t do in your marriage was never with the intent to cause harm to it or your spouse. You did the best you could at the time.
I know that you are going round and round in your head, thinking, if I just did this, if I just said that. You have to try to really believe that this crisis was supposed to happen. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop it. You just don’t have that kind of power.
So, there are a couple of ways you can go here. You can stay with the mindset that you are a victim and that there isn’t anything you can do while this is happening. You can do nothing and let the chips fall where they may or you can take this journey.
You have power in this. You have control in your part of this. And the best way to navigate through it is to become your strongest self. The only real way to do this, is through it.
If you do that, a few things happen. You become who you were meant to be. You show your children what it is to be strong and to overcome what life throws at you. You see what you are made of.
Dbing is about saving you. And sometimes it saves marriages.
They were supposed to have this crisis. They are broken and need fixing. But, that’s their part. They need to figure out how to do that. You cant hurry it along. You cant do it for them.
The thing about this for you is, what are you going to do while they do that?
I had to decide who I wanted to see when I looked back at all this. I did the work. I looked within. I changed and I grew. It was hard, but, I am glad I chose me.
I wanted to write about boundaries A good friend of mine wrote these and I know he wouldn’t mind if I reposted them.
Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.
List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do,because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....
Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" in any way...
Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.
Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.
"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.
Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.
Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.
Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.
Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.
Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
As you travel through all this, you will come to realize that you are grieving. Grieving the loss of your marriage, your spouse, the life you thought you were going to have. Even if you reconcile, it will be a different marriage. They will be different, and so will you. So, it is important to feel each stage of grief in order to move towards acceptance. You don’t want to get stuck in any stage. And I feel, in particular, the anger stage. Don’t get me wrong, it is healthy to feel angry. And you should use the anger to propel you forward. Use it to make changes, to figure stuff out. It is when you remain angry that it becomes unhealthy. Because holding onto it weighs you down. It becomes a shield and takes away your ability to see the rest of your journey. After some time, I realized that anger wouldn’t change the situation. But, it would change me. And I was not willing to sacrifice myself. I had to decide to change my mindset. I had to realize that the anger wasn’t going to allow me to move to acceptance. know there are those who struggle with their anger towards the OP. I so get that. But here’s the thing. When you release your anger against them, it is the first step towards controlling your own life.. I get to choose how I am going to live it. The goal should be that anger is not the driving force any longer. It served its purpose, it helped you cope, moved you forward. But it should not be a permanent part of your life. The hope is that when you release the anger, you are on the path of forgiveness Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.
I was thinking today about acceptance and how that can help aid you in healing.
When we resist or hang onto what is happening, it forces us to act in a way that doesn’t serve us or the situation well. And so, we begin to live in fear. When there is fear, there becomes an inability to do or see what needs to be done.
I know all about fear. I lived in it most of my life. I allowed it to dictate my actions and my feelings. But, whenever I have faced the fear, and accepted what is, it lost its power. And all the things I thought was going to happen , never did.
I thought I would never get through this. I thought I would hurt like that forever.. I thought I would never trust again. I have, I do. They thoughts all turned out to be wrong.
I have learned to trust me again. I have seen my strength. I have looked fear in the eye and beat it down. Mostly. LOL!
I still struggle with it. That is the truth. But, I am not going to give into it. Too high a price to pay.
The sooner you accept that this is how it is for right now, the sooner you can start to do what needs doing.
The truth is, that you will all survive this no matter which way it goes. You will be ok. And if you do the work, you will laugh again, love again, trust again hopefully with your spouse.
I used to write to someone and say I cant wait until they get to the good part. To which they would say, Um, UR? Are you crazy? LOL!
Dont get me wrong, I wish I didnt have to go through all this. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. But I dont think that the lessons I've learned, the changes I've made, would have been possible without this journey.
The most important thing to remember is that you will be ok. Carry that with you. When things get tough, pull it out. When you want to quit, pull it out.
And you will be, you know.
This MLC monster, is only as powerful as we allow it to be. I used to try to envision it as this big red ball that I carried around.
After awhile, it got heavy. It wasnt even my ball. It was his. So, why the heck was I carrying it? I threw it back to him.
I needed to pick up my own ball. And I chose a pretty lavender one with flowers on it. I filled it with all the things I wanted to do, all the changes I wanted to make. It was a bit heavy, too, because it was also filled with all the stuff I needed to sort through.
But each time I did, it became lighter. Every day that I got through, it became lighter. So that all that was left was all the good stuff.
Dont make that big red ball any heavier than it already is. Throw it back to him. Let him carry it.
Although it is hard to see through all the heartache this causes, try to find compassion for your spouses. They clearly are not the people they once were. They are in pain, too. Unbearable pain, at times.
Imagine for a moment, feeling as if your life is out of control. You are deeply unhappy. You dont know why. You just know that you want the hurting to stop.
You try everything you can, and it is still there. You become someone opposite of who you are. It is still there. You lash out at your spouse, alienate your children, act out, regress. And still the deep sadness continues.
They feel as if they are swimming in a lake of mud. Trying to get out, flailing about, unable to reach the shore.
I know their actions are devastating. I do. I know there are times when you are so angry with them, so disappointed, so deeply pained.
I absolutely understand if you cannot take it any longer.
Until then, remember their pain, too. Allow them what they need. Space, time, no pressure. Let them walk their journey on their own. It is the only way they can get to the other side.
just sayin hi and hope you're getting a bit of holiday spirit. for some reason i have some- maybe hanging around with a four year old and a 1.5 baby- il et them put up a small tree all byselves- they regularly decimate it- drop all the balls, wack around- it's all plastic - wwhat the heck.
keeps nme laughing and makes me remember to not even try and get anything accomplished when they are around. soooo- i try and make it make me stop & relax. typical american that i am- no time to do everything in the universe right and have everythign, etc.
we're nuts i think- that being said- SO WHAT IF- i can apply what i know about dealing with small children - to this mlc state we're all in??? just sit back- donot even contemplate making any headway or expect anything fancy - don't fool self into thinking anything i do matters - really - except existing and being who & what i am. just trying to view IT ALL as babysitting- like this. keep them from killing themselves or each other- and try and ride along maintaining my inner wa.
well- mlc -more like a roller coaster SCARY RIDE - but a ride nevertheless. capture the magic of being totally out of control and incarcerated (well, til i choose jailbreak over prison)
nice huh?// life peaceful at the moment- in my suspicious little land- been very nice to be in fl and way from my stupid nj family- my fl family is preferrable. it's allll sooooo nuts - life.
just wanted to say hi anyway- you're so nice to always have good advice, caring, etc. to dole out to a million poor souls like me that need it- so like, do you feel wings growing on your back yet??? thanks alot- hope you and your son are well and your holidays are good. i'm probably heading back up there someday - maybe next week? i don't even have or know plan yet- just know i'm okay rite this minute and nothing bad is happening. my new matra- working so far.
working on letting go of suspicion (ha - yeah rite) okay anyway- even a little spirit- yay... onward & upward.
Although it is hard to see through all the heartache this causes, try to find compassion for your spouses. They clearly are not the people they once were. They are in pain, too. Unbearable pain, at times.
Imagine for a moment, feeling as if your life is out of control. You are deeply unhappy. You dont know why. You just know that you want the hurting to stop.
You try everything you can, and it is still there. You become someone opposite of who you are. It is still there. You lash out at your spouse, alienate your children, act out, regress. And still the deep sadness continues.
They feel as if they are swimming in a lake of mud. Trying to get out, flailing about, unable to reach the shore.
I know their actions are devastating. I do. I know there are times when you are so angry with them, so disappointed, so deeply pained.
I absolutely understand if you cannot take it any longer.
Until then, remember their pain, too. Allow them what they need. Space, time, no pressure. Let them walk their journey on their own. It is the only way they can get to the other side.
I am trying to do my best at this, reading and really putting your words into action. It is so hard to fight my own need to chuck it all and not walk along side his depression anymore.
It's going on 36 hours since I left H sitting alone, and he rarley moves. He is portraying all the traits you mention and I have been paying attention, but I don't have any sympathy.
We, as a family were having some really good days of fun and food, and H was taking us to dinner the next day, his invite. You say the reach out to "others" because they are searching, I get that, there were times I almost wished he would just go and release his depression.
But, when things are going well, and he still needs to sneak his calls to share his life, WTF is that? So good or bad it's important to risk it all on a text. My anger just says I hope it was worth it. I feel he lost so much, I see he feels it too.
I can't let his pain in life, be coddled and comforted while he hurts me to get there. Is that fair, nice, Dbing, IDk but I can't bring myself back to where we were just 3 days ago, he's losing me, he's losing a whole family and extended family over what?
If EA is so important that the cell phone needs to be tucked in your underwear even when times are going well with family, GTFO!
Ur, I don't waver from that....am I more done than I want to admit. It is scary, but so is staying like this, more!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
