Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
D
debbie5 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
D
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
We're both in our fifties and got married less than a year ago. We were childhood sweethearts who lost touch for thirty years and then met up again a couple of years ago. Fell totally and madly in love. We get on really well on a friends/intellectual level, but sex has rapidly gone from a few times a week to zilch. We haven't had sex for 2 months now, although he tells me several times a day how much he loves me. I'm beginning to feel lonely and unattractive (no, I haven't let myself go, I'm trim, I exercise and do yoga regularly, I still wear make up and do my hair, I wear clothes that he likes, etc.). He just says that he never thinks about sex at all.

When we first remet he revealed that he and his first wife were swingers, having group sex and sex parties, etc. He didn't express a desire to do that again though he did talk about us developing a great and interesting sex life which is why I'm flummoxed here.

Although I was a bit shocked at the sex at first - it's rough and hurts me a lot of the time, I persevered to try to enjoy our sessions. However, I did find it difficult to get aroused and stay aroused - I like sex to be much more gentle and relaxing. I did tell him this, but he didn't take this on board. However, even without any complaints from me, our sex life has dwindled dramatically. The last time we had sex two months ago, I was obvious in the way I was enjoying it, very enthusiastic, etc.

I'd love to change our sex life so that some of the things we do suit me as well as him, but I can't see how I can do this when we scarcely have sex (once every six to eight weeks).

I'm now losing my confidence and feeling so unwanted and lonely that it's not true. To make things worse, we live abroad and have just moved to a new island where we scarcely know anybody. I have nobody to talk to, no support system and am getting reluctant to meet new people because of my new lack of self-confidence. I'm bright and friendly and outgoing most of the time, and manage to keep this up despite my unhappiness. We both work from home, so spend 24 hours a day together. We get along in most ways, but this lack of sex is driving me mad. I'm building walls around me to protect myself and becoming withdrawn at times which makes him angry. I wake up every morning telling him I love him (that's really important to him), I kiss him throughout the day (as he does me), but I'm beginning to feel more like his sister than his wife. Any help and advice greatly appreciated smile - I really want to make this marriage work - at this stage in our lives, neither of us want to divorce and we've also both given up our homes in our own country to make this move.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
Hi,
You should definitely look at Michele's book, The Sex Starved Wife. However, considering his background, I would suggest that you talk to one of the DB coaches that are experts in intimacy and sexuality. Give me a call for further information. Take good care!


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
D
debbie5 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
D
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
Thanks Karen,

I can't really call because I don't live in the US. I've just finished reading Michele's book "The Sex Starved Marriage" and am half way through "The Sex Starved Wife" which is how I found this forum smile .

I'm actually really isolated where I am and have absolutely nobody to talk to about this. Just arrived in a country where we know nobody yet, been here two months. It's a great adventure, but this lack of intimacy is driving me mad and I'm really aware that it could spoil this late marriage for both of us ultimately. This is something I want to avoid for both our sakes. We're truly in love, but how long that will last under these circumstances if questionable. I really want to do my best to make this work for both of us. Just don't know where to start and terrified of doing stuff wrong.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 669
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 669
I know exactly how you feel. The first thing to preserving your marriage is to not let resentment about sexual rejection spill over into other areas of your marriage. Not easy to do. You need to change your view of sex drive a bit, and realize that it can be affected by many things, and is not always a direct barometer of someone's love. If the loss of interest was sudden, there may be medical issues that should be explored.

The tricky thing is that the person who is not interested often doesn't see the point of sex, and too easily assumes you see the world the same way. It's easy for people with a low sex drive to assume that other things make up for the lack of sex, such as other ways of showing love and appreciation. My wife sometimes thought I was ungrateful because I still wanted sex "after all the things [she's] done for me"!

Again, this stabilizes the marriage, but doesn't solve the problem. But you need to do this before you can have a real discussion about the matter without getting angry. Use "I" language and don't accuse your partner of anything.

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 669
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 669
Also, think of yourself as being lucky that you have a sex drive. Though your marriage might be more harmonious now if you didn't, I would still choose to have a high sex drive in a sexless marriage than to feel no desire and be happy with it.

Just wondering if his original interesting in swinging was for variety. So perhaps it's the novelty that has worn off with you? Perhaps there are other ways to address that with a bit of imagination.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
D
debbie5 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
D
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
I don't think I have a particularly high sex drive as such, it's just that I do have one and that seems to be the problem smile . We did talk about his swinging with his first wife quite extensively. It seems that they saw sex as a hobby and got into it in a big way. He did say at the time that he'd done everything sexual he ever wanted to, had satisfied all his fantasies and was ready for a more cerebral sex life. I thought this meant that he wanted to concentrate on the emotional and spiritual sides of sex, not that he didn't want sex at all. To be fair, we started off having sex every week or so, but it has dwindled very rapidly to once every two months or so.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
Hi Debbie,
We talk to clients all over the world. There are many international calling programs and cards to use (if your cell phone doesn't have the service) The fact that you are isolated is all the more reason to talk to a telephone coach. I would look forward to hearing from you.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Hi debbie5,

I think often we feel these issues are "ours to deal with" and don't make them the big deal they are by discussing them openly. I understand your desire not to rock the boat as you are all alone and want to preserve your marriage rather than blowing it up.

Unfortunately, as you probably know, that path leads to resentment. Eventually you will come to resent him more and more, and your resentment will become apparent in your actions whether you want it to or not. At that point, your H will feel you are unpleasant to be around and your marriage will fail anyway.

The point is, if you have a big issue between you, you have to deal with it now or deal with it later because not dealing with it cannot have a maintainable outcome.

Decide for yourself if this is a deal breaker for you. Can you live in a "sex every two months marriage". If the answer is "no", you can work with H to try to address the situation but you might also have to make peace with the fact that this may not work out and you will have to leave. Once you make that decision and come to terms with it, you will have some power in the relationship to make things better. As long as H knows that you are afraid to leave, it's really difficult to motivate any change.

If this is *not* a deal breaker for you, then you need to make peace with the fact that this may not change and see how you can learn to cope with it. In that mode, you're really at the mercy of what H decides he wants to do. You also need to decide what you will do if it gets worse. What if it goes down to twice a year or never? Is that a deal breaker?

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is be honest and determine what you can and cannot live with. Then you need to have a frank conversation with H, and you have to make him understand how serious this is for you. Don't let him hand wave you away. Often an LD partner will feel that if they don't have a problem with their sex drive, then the problem is YOURS. You can't accept that. If your sex life is a problem in your marriage, then you both have a problem, not just you.

Secondly, you're currently concerned with quantity, but you also seem to have a quality issue. You said that he hurts you(!) and it's all about him and not you. The other mode you can get into is that your quantity complaint can be responded to with begrudging "duty sex". If he agrees to sex once per week but does it half-heartedly, or it's clear it's just for you, can you live with that?

At the point you have this frank conversation, you may also want to discuss quality, and what your needs are in this regard. The best thing you can do for H is to communicate your expectations clearly so he knows exactly what you want.

What he does with that information will speak volumes about his character and the quality of your marriage. At that point you'll have some decisions to make.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 669
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 669
Frequent sex when you were first together, and then dropping off over a year or so? Many people have an elevated sex drive when they are first with someone, and then it drops to a default level which might be much lower. My wife was like that. I'm the other kind -- my drive has been about the same since we were first married. Apparently, my wife wasn't really prepared for that. Likewise, I was naive enough to think that once a sex drive, always a sex drive, just like my own. But apparently not for a lot of people.

Also, for a lot of people, both men and women, the fifties is a time when sex drive declines noticeably, even for people without health problems.

Not solutions to your problem. But these facts might help you see the situation in less personal terms, such as taking it as a sign of lack of love, etc.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
D
debbie5 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
D
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your input here. I have read Sex Starved Wife and Sex Starved Marriage and found them both to be of help with the way in which I'm feeling. However, having tried many of the tips, I'm still at a loss as to how to get my husband to have sex with me.

One of his long term fantasies is to have sex in an aquarium (not in the tanks, but in the building). We visited an aquarium at a zoo recently but it was pretty packed. The subject of sex didn't come up during the visit, but the other day he mentioned that he'd thought about having sex while we were there. This is the only time he's mentioned sex in months and it upset me incredibly that it takes something like that to get him to think about sex. He obviously never thinks about sex as something to do with me - it took one of his long term unfulfilled fantasies to make him think about it.

I try my best to be upbeat and full of fun most of the time. However, right now I'm having a real bad few days. I really can't bear to think about spending the rest of my life like this. I feel unwanted and unattractive (which I know I'm not). He regularly compliments me on the way I look and the way in which I behave with the result that the compliments just upset me now because I keep thinking "Well if you love me, why don't you want me?".

This lack of sex seems to be affecting every part of my life and I can feel myself becoming seriously depressed by it. I can't see the point in even getting up in the morning - I can't see the point in eating or dressing or doing anything. At the moment, I feel as if I'm having to force myself to do the very basics in life.

I've now come to the conclusion that sleeping in separate rooms would make things much easier for me to deal with and am trying to pluck up the courage to suggest this. I can't bear lying in bed next to a man who doesn't want me and this is seriously affecting my ability to sleep. I spend most nights sleeping on the sofa (which really annoys him) as I just can't get to sleep lying next to him and brooding about our platonic marriage.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard