Hello. I'm looking for advice, help, and guidance.
My wife and I have been having trouble for sometime. I haven't been living up to my duties as a husband. I haven't respected, acknowlwdged, complimented, given bad looks, upset when I feel she wasn't doing enough for the house, haven't satisfied emotion needs, listened, etc.
I have hurt her so much. These behaviors have occured before. We would talk, work it out, and I would return to old behaviors after some months. She feels lonely and extremely hurt. I allow myself to get to stressed out from work and other things. I've lost sight of what's important and took this out on her. Our communication had turned into me complaining constantly. Putting my stress and worry on her. Another problem.
She has left our house to stay at her parents. She wanted a break. At the time it wasn't a break from our marriage but a break from our surroundings and me. Time to think and find herself again. It hurt but I understood she wanted time and space.
After a week of being away (a week ago) she called to have a talk. She imformed me that she wanted a divorce. She was too hurt by my actions and behavior once again. I expressed that I do not want a divorce, I want to work things out. I let her know what I have been doing since she left. She noticed. She wanted me to respect her decision and that she doesn't feel like trying again. I have caused too much pain. She has tried to tell me she was hurting and what I was doing and how I wasn't hearing her. I proceeded to tell her that I know I have hurt her, the damage I caused, and believe we could repair our marriage, fix bad behaviors and so on, and that I love her. She knows how I feel about her, repairing our marriage, and I don't want a divorce. That's all I could do. She was done talking about it. She said she loves me and misses me. She feels like she has lost herself, is suffocating, and hurt by the pain I caused.
Since then she has taken off her Married staus on a social media outlet and changed to her maiden name. This hurt my heart. I let it go and didn't say anything about it. Later in the day I sent a short, simple, somewhat funny message. Nothing about us or our relationship other than it was something with the house. Her response was that I was upsetting her. She wants me to leave her alone. Since then I have not posted anything. And now I am blocked.
It appears that she is friends again with a girlfriend she had a falling out with, listening to music and doing things she hasn't done for sometime, visiting friends and places she hasn't been able to. I thought this was a good thing for her but I also believe some of these friends may be pushing her to the decision of divorce. I also believe she may have entertained the thought herself. I hurt her and wasn't changing when she tried to tell me. She felt it and is serious enough to tell me she wanted one.
I've been doing a lot of self help, reading marriage books as well, keeping busy, and working on myself. During this process I have accepted my faults, what I've done to damage our marriage, my bad behaviors, and how much I hurt her. I would like counseling, for myself and us, I don't want to divorce but try again. She doesn't want to talk or have contact. I have to respect that but feel I have take action before it all is too late. But I am trying remain calm and give her this freedom and space.
We have been married nearly 3 years. No children, just pets.
I have found through my research and reading that I could write a letter stating I know what I did wrong but not focusing on me, how she hurt, wait on the divorce, actions to take, therapy, validate her feelings and if no way of reconciliation then maybe divorce is the way. I have written this letter and plan to mail it soon.
If there is no hope then this will end in the divorce or open up communication to move forward together.
I have mixed feelings on the letter but it may be a good idea. A problem we have is that she feels that I do not fully listen to her and her feelings. This letter would state that I do and know my wrong. Leaving it up to her to decide if this is what she wants. Then give more time and space.
Hello burning heart and welcome, I'm sorry you find yourself here.
I would hold off on the letter.
We have very similar situations. My WAW moved back in with her parents as well, changed her facebook name/status, is going out with friends, etc. Block her, stop snooping for your sanity.
Get your own life without her and be happy, make yourself into the person only a fool would leave. You were once a whole person without her before marriage, become that person again.
Don't fight her on the divorce, stop bringing it up, and respect her wishes not to contact her. Take this time to address your isses and work on yourself.
Marathon not a sprint.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I was wondering when my post would show up. Seemed like forever.
She left her new Credit card and needed it. Last time she asked about it was Tuesday. Since then I have mailed it along with a letter I wrote.
We have had limited contact but recently there has been more texts. She seems to be reaching out but I'm not sure. Some calls I missed and no voicemails left. I ask and she says she'll call later. What do I do?
Apparently there is a problem outside of us right now. For whatever reason I was contacted and don't know details. She text and will call me when she's not busy.
We have not talked on the phone since the divorce talk. I made my feeling known then and we have not talked about it since.
I did find out that she did file. Or tried to. She went back to her parents, the state we were married in, and has to be there for 90 days before filing. But I'm not sure when this was.
This hurts a lot. I believe she has a negative support system with friends there. The do not like me. But her mom and a family friend are a postive one. We have talked and they were going to talk to her but I don't know if it happened or what happened.
I know I have hurt my wife with my behavior. I am trying to change. I know in the wide scope of things we have not been married long and have not seen any huge problem. Not what could be and is with others.
I really want to work this out. I need therapy and would like marriage counseling.
I get a little hope here and there but I'm still confused.
You cannot change who she surrounds herself with. They will all see divorce as the fastest way for her to end her pain and move on with her life so she will surround herself with enablers.
This makes all the more reason for you to become the best person you can be. Identify your weaknesses, what don't you want people to find out about you? Are you controlling? Do you have addictions? Do you need to be more spiritual? What is your baggage?
What are her complaints about the marriage? What can you do to break negative cycles and interactions? How can you react differently to get a different outcome?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I know. I am working on myself and have realized and accepting my faults. I haven't been myself lately and have gone back to bad behaviors. This has been a problem for us. I am breaking them to become a better person.
I really want to work things out but know I must work on myself first.
She still hasn't called after saying she would. I still don't know what happened and why I was called or texted in the first place. All I know is there was care and concern for me to be contacted for a situation that I'm not there to be a part of.
I love ny wife and I haven't been showing it. I'm working on issues and I hope we have another chance.
I'm working on issues and I hope we have another chance.
MHO is that we all will get another chance but it will not be in our time frame. So you got it right keep working on YOU and way down the road you will get another chance.
I am hearing all of you. I am stubborn. I am trying to GAL and do what I need to do. It's rough.
Another issue is that we have been around each other 24/7 for years. She needed and wanted her personal time. We haven't balanced personal, work or marriage time. There aren't many friends here and it gets lonely. I work a lot, too tired most days for anything but letting my mind melt into a goofy tv show or whatever. When we did have our time and really had it, it was great. All the small things piled up and took it's toll. And I did go back on bad behaviors and not being all the husband I can be. And no, I am not totally the one to blame or take all the responsibility for our failures. I know this.
I understand what you guys are saying. I understand I need to not worry about it and begin moving on. Prepare. I have known her for about 18 years. I know how she reacts and lashes out. Because of her depression, bipolar, manic behaviors, etc. If she gets extremely upset, or hurt, she cuts people out of her life for some amount of time or forever, she acts 20 again, hangs around old friends, listens to music she hasn't heard for awhile, enjoys freedom, etc and them begins to crash. Her manic and bipolar episodes level out, gets out of her depression and sees things on a more balanced/normal level. Realization of feelings, thoughts, and actions set on. Back to reality.
It's true, she may be done but knowing her this long and how she handles things I still believe time and patience are valid elements to bringing us back together.
She hasn't asked for her CC for 5 days. The last two she has been trying to call and texting me a lot more. I wasn't fully available, didn't respond right away. I haven't done a complete 180 or correct NC though. But what I had done was surely noticed. I have to buckle down.
