You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the post and the links, Cadet. I think what I really need to work on is validation. He very very rarely tells me what he wants or feels, then gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants or feels. So I think I could look for the rare occasions where he does let me know what is happening inside, and validate that.
I am not sure if all the advice really applies to our situation though. I don't think he wants to leave me - I am sure he's not happy, but he seems to be content enough with me leaving him alone and us living like housemates. I couldn't go more 'dark' and still be a co-parent and live in this house. We have entirely separate social lives and when I go out he rarely asks or is interested in where I am going.
I am going to think this over more - but I wonder if it is me who needs to BD.
I am not okay with a roommates relationship and I'm not okay with us pretending this is a marriage when it isn't. I don't feel okay about financially supporting him. I am not happy with the lack of intimacy. I am not sure I can fix these on my own, but I am willing to own my part in them. I can't read his mind, and I can't meet needs I don't know he has. I don't want to give an ultimatum, but I do feel it would be more honest for us to end the relationship, or have a physical and financial separation. I would be open to that, and to meeting regularly to talk and improve things. But I am not okay with carrying on being his paycheque and nothing more.
If anyone has any advice for me, or thinks I am looking at this in the wrong way, I want to hear it. I can stand brutal and direct feedback and am open to that.
Pursuit and distance really makes sense to me. We have had the pattern - from very early on in our relationship - that I was the one to initiate meeting, dates, contact, conversations, etc. I don't think I have ever felt or been certain that he'd 'choose me'. When the children arrived and there was less time for him to be alone, my pursuing him used to cause arguments, he'd distance himself, I'd chase him further, and round and round we went.
I really had a lightbulb moment about this a couple of years ago and dropped the rope - not of the relationship - but in trying to get him to spend time with me, pay attention to me, etc. I felt that once he felt safer and more in control of his own time, he would, perhaps, start imitating contact with me. That has not happened. Maybe it was the wrong decision?
I will read more and think about this further but any advice would be more than welcome.
Get the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. It is an easy read and will give you some perspective as to why your husband acts the way he does.
Good Luck
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Thank you for your reply, @WhyUs. It sounds like you're having a much harder time than me. I hope you're okay.
I read that book years and years ago but I don't remember much of what was in it. I think I will go to the library tomorrow and check it out. I need to get out of the house a bit anyway.
Another horrible interaction this morning. He came to me and asked me to put an amount of money in his account so he can go out and have fun. Well, he texted me. We've just been on holiday (last month) and the budget is in tatters so I went to him (in person) and asked him if we could go through expenses and decide on an amount of 'fun money' for each of us. He said he didn't want to waste any time talking to me, or waste his day on a conversation.
I guess that's the way things are at the moment - I am to fund him. All our physical needs are met - house, car, food, occasional holidays etc. There isn't really that much 'fun money' leftover at the end of the month. What there is, we should split down the middle, I think. But he wants more than is fair and is unwilling to discuss it with me.
I put half of the money he asked for in his account, showed him the budget and explained why. He walked away in the middle of the conversation.
I suppose a 180 would be to put him in total control of the family finances. But to be honest, this feels like I'd be acting like a door mat. And if we're going to do that, we have to have a conversation about the change - for a start - we'd need to go to the bank together to make changes to the accounts. But he won't talk to me or go anywhere with me. He isn't really interested in a marriage, and if we're only going to be housemates, then he can find his own fun money.
I am really stuck as to the right thing to do in this conversation. He's been clear he's only with me for practicalities, and I want better than that. If he doesn't want to be a husband, I don't see why he should get the benefits of being a husband. I don't feel I am getting any benefits from being his wife. But then again - it shouldn't be tit for tat like this, someone has to start, and it may as well be me.
He sounds as if he may feel emasculated. Traditionally, he would be the protector and provider for his family, and the W was most often the parent that nourished the children and kept the home fires burning. You could easily ruin the arrangement (SAHD) by talking to him and treating him as one your kids. Perhaps the kids see Mom as the one in control, IDK. Men have a huge desire to be admired by the W and kids. They also need to be respected as a man. Although our society may be more accepting to men filling these roles, rather than women, trouble can arise between the spouses. If he feels his role is beneath your or less important, it could be the foundation for other problems. That places some responsibility on you to not do things to deflate his male ego.
Tell me, has he ever worked and you stayed at home? If so, how was the MR?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think I might have stopped because I felt like things were getting better. I think the calmness that set in when I stopped chasing him did make things better - less fiery - and I hoped that given enough time, there'd be a change and when he had the space he needed, he'd come to me and start communicating what he wanted. I haven't seen that happen. And I haven't been as diligent as I wanted to be about my own personal goals, so I am back.
I think he might feel emasculated. He says it is humiliating to ask me for money. T change that, we'd need to go to the bank together to get a joint account. He won't do that.
When we met, we both worked. I earned a lot more than him, but we paid for dates and fun activities 50/50. He came to my house and I cooked more often than I went to him because he lived in a shared house and mine was closer to the train station so it was easier for him to come direct from work.
I had a year where I was a SAHM and he had stopped paid work and was a full time student. We lived on freelance income I made from working at home, at night, and savings from when before he went to University and before I stopped paid work.
For the past three years he's been a SAHD. Before our son went to school, he was in childcare three days a week to give him alone time. Now he's at school, for the past year he's been able to have time to himself to do what he wants between 9.30am and 3pm. He does most of the housework and house maintenance though I pitch in at the weekends.
I think my chasing has always been a problem in our relationship. There's a pattern where he's given me the silent treatment, sulked and been very passive aggressive. I have to work out what I've done to displease him. These matters are often, for him, about respect. But because he won't talk to me about them, I am mainly in the dark.
I do find it hard to respect him. For me, it isn't to do with our roles. If he wanted to work, he could - but I think that's a decision for him to make. I don't resent working. I love my job. What I find hard to respect is the way he won't tell me what he wants, won't tell me what he feels, uses silent treatment, assumes he knows the reasons for why I do things, assumes he knows what I am thinking. If he wants to do the money differently, I am totally open to that. But I need to hear what he wants. If I make a unilateral decision to change my working hours, or how the money works in our relationship, then I'm being controlling again.
It is pretty much like living with and supporting another child and I'm sure he's aware I feel like that.
I guess for me to stay in this relationship I'd need to see some big changes on his part and for him to start communicating with me like an adult, even if he thinks I won't like or agree with what he wants to say.
For him to engage with me in this relationship - I have no idea what he needs. I would love to know. I am open to him telling me, and to making changes.
My boundary is that I can't continue as it is any longer. I can only change myself. I need to figure out what those changes would be.
We have a plan to sell the house and move a few miles away to make my work commute easier. I want to tell him that I am not comfortable buying a new house with him while our relationship is like this. I think we should sell the house, bank the money (maybe split it) and live separately for a while.
Worse and worse. Me doing the food shop is being patronising and controlling. I said I thought I needed to do more around the house, and was trying to pull my weight as I am not at work today. He said 'how nice for you,' and is back to doing what he normally does when we're in the house together, which is playing computer games or watching YouTube videos with his headphones on.
What do I want?
Right now, he is not a person I want to be with. I want validation, a partner, someone who is interested in my thoughts and feelings. I want him to initiate conversations with me about the things that are important to him - whatever they are - and participate in plans for our future, if we have one. He's not doing any of those things and he isn't interested in talking about changes that I or he needs to make.
He seems happier when I pretend that I am happy with the situation. When I am bright and breezy, don't initiate any conversation, don't ask him for time, conversation, attention or sex and don't show that I am upset or angry. Doing that has made our daily interactions fairly peaceful, but it has also made me feel like a doormat and like I am selling myself out.
There's no real way for me to sit him down and do a BD. He won't believe me anyway, and at the moment there's no chance for a conversation. I can't force him to listen to me, and I certainly can't force him to talk to me. He seems to experience even me asking open questions like, 'how are you doing?' and 'what would you like to do today? as intrusive and controlling. If I want to listen to him, I also need to put up with sarcasm, nastiness, abuse and gas-lighting. That is a boundary for me - I can't let myself be in conversations where I'm being verbally abused. So I leave, and there's no more communication. I don't know why he can't or won't speak to me like an adult about what is going on in his mind and what he wants, but that is his choice and I can't control it.
I think in my case it is going to be actions speak louder than words. I don't plan on leaving the home, and we already sleep apart. He is legally entitled to live here and he has no financial resources of his own, so there's no way he's going to go anywhere either. We are planning to sell the house. I can call the estate agent in the morning and get the ball rolling on that. I can also visit a solicitor and work out what a financial settlement would be. I think we'd just split the equity and go our separate ways. Spousal support is very rare in this country and would only apply if he was unable to work or we'd been together decades. He's a young man.
My main feeling is that I've been collaborating with him on pretending this is a real marriage and I am content with it. I am not. I feel like this is a breaking point for me and I need to take some kind of action to make a change.
Jenny, wow! you are in a tough spot. I wonder how many wives feel this way before dropping the bomb on their husbands. We know that for men actions do speak louder than words. You could tell him a 1000 times in 1000 different ways and he may not be hearing you. I am not there so I cannot say for sure.
It sounds like you are starting to build resentment towards him and lose respect for him. To see a woman feel the way you feel hurts my heart because I wonder if my WW felt this way about me. I wish I could go back in time and change the necessary things to fix our M.
I wonder if your husband knows what is coming, what he is doing. I hope he does not get the BD and then realize he has to start trying while you have already given up.
I think you should stay with DB and perhaps get a coach.
I will say that one approach that may help with the money is to approach it as though you need his help. Men like to feel like they are helping fix something. They are problem solvers. Be careful not to criticize his ideas, even if they are dumb. If he has a way to come up with a new budget just say, wow, I never thought of doing it that way. (Your R is fragile so he may not be able to handle the normal debate).
I will post as more ideas come to mind.
Last edited by WhyUs; 08/31/1501:56 PM.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
