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Vow,

Great advice from Job and Heather. Don't allow your "what ifs" to change what you do. If you typically send birthday greetings, send a simple greeting. Again, don't let your h's behavior dictate simple gestures.

The sooner you set expectations at zero or gosh darn close to zero, the better you will feel. Hang in there!



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Thanks everyone!! I decided to send the simple text "Happy Birthday! Hope you have a good day." And surprise!!! He DID respond with "Thanks". So I feel much better that I did send it - not because he responded, but because I realize that I would have regretted not wishing him well today. I really do want him to be happy - whether it's with me or not. And I do think Job was right and he would have missed not getting that from me and think that I don't care anymore. I just didn't want it to look or feel like I was pursuing him. I didn't have any expectations when I sent him the simple text - in fact I really didn't think he would acknowledge it as usual. So it was a nice little surprise for me today. It's funny how something so little can make such a difference. It just validated that I did the right thing.

So, now I will go back to being dark again and lean on my friends to get me through the next hurdle - our 16th wedding anniversary on 9/26. What do you all do to get through this tough day? Last year I met a girlfriend for dinner and then came home - alone. It was a tuff day. This year, it falls on a Friday...what to do, what to do.

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine the other night. She's in a little rough patch with her man and asked me how I've been able to deal with my sitch for a year and a half! She's going out of her mind and her sitch is NOTHING like MLC and she doesn't feel she could keep going through this for as long as I've been dealing with H's MLC. I told her that a person never really knows just how strong they really are until they are put in a position where they have to be strong.

Anyway, I've had a few invitations to join some friends for some girl's nights out and I'm looking forward to them!! wink

Thanks again for the great advice and for helping me stay afloat!! This standing is really hard sometimes and I need to be reminded that this time is a gift and I need to take advantage of it!


~vows4ever
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Hi all.
It's been a while since my last post. I've been GALing and trying to enjoy my life while H continues to spin out of control. Two weeks after he got out of the hospital after nearly dying (and of course he went home with his mother), he filed for D. I just received the papers a week ago. He's filed a contested D in a different court jurisdiction. I can just hear his mother's voice telling him that this situation was killing him and he needed to get the divorce started (because as you've heard me say before, she blames me for all of this). He still will not talk to me about how to divide the marital assets, etc. He is so deep into avoidance it's ridiculous.

The holidays are rolling around again. Not only does this time of the year affect the MLCer, it also affects the LBS as well. I will be traveling again this holiday to visit my sister and her family in the northwest right before Christmas. I couldn't get off this year for Christmas, so I will be home alone this year on Christmas day. frown I'm so not looking forward to this holiday season.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this contested D? I'm a very private person and don't want to have my personal business put out there for everyone to gawk at. He chose the court district, I believe, because he's a police officer and has had court cases in the other jurisdictions but not in this court.

Why can't he man-up and just do the right thing?? I think I've done what he's wanted by leaving him alone, stayed away when he was in the hospital, living my own life. But he is still so angry at me. I came home from work early a couple of weeks ago and found him at the house. When I tried to open the front door, he opened the main door, looked at me with such anger, said he was "out of here" and pushed by me, turning his shoulder away from me like a little child trying to avoid the "cooties". SERIOUSLY??? When I asked him as he was walking away why he was so angry at me, he just shook his head and motioned his hands as if to say "not now". I then asked him what I ever did to piss him off and I got the same reaction. No eye contact and he never looked back.

Any advice or comments would be so much appreciated. I feel like I'm losing it again. frown


~vows4ever
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Do you know on what grounds he is filing a contested divorce? Does your state have a no fault divorce? Seems weird that he would file a contested divorce if he is the one that wants out. Maybe this will shed some light on why he is angry with you.


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Hi LT,

We do live in a no fault state. From what I've read, the contested D is for those who have not or can not come to an agreeable division of assets. But I can't get him to sit down to discuss this because he wants to AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.


~vows4ever
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Vows,
I hate to tell you...but you aren't going to get him to sit down and discuss it. MLCers will not have rational conversations w/you about anything. Maybe he's hoping that by contesting the divorce he can drag it out and you'll give in to his demands of what he wants in the way of money and property.

As for him being angry, it's typical behavior and he'll be that way for a while, or at least until his fire burns out and he enters a new stage of his crisis.

I'm sorry he's acting this way, and it's frustrating to have to deal w/things the way they are.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Vows,

You can have a no fault divorce where neither party will talk directly to the other. I agree with Job that he is trying to make the divorce as miserable for you as he can. Since he filed the divorce it will be up to him and his lawyer to craft some attempt at an agreement and then present it through your lawyer. Until then, you don't need to do a thing. Make sure you tell your lawyer that you do not want him or her to spend any time or effort until his lawyer presents some type of agreement. That you will not pay them for any effort to get one. It will be a waiting game for you. Once your lawyer gets it, I would not even read it for a month. Take your time and work through it and make decisions that are best for you at your own pace. My guess is your husband will try and take it all the way to court. Your game plan should be that your attorney spends as little time on it till then. No sense in paying for wasted effort. Your husband may eventually come around and be reasonable after it costs him a lot of cash.


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Vows,

It's hard being rejected by someone we considered our most trusted ally in this world. It's even worse when this person blames us for the rejection and seeks to punish us for things we don't understand.

Last night, I was cuddling our lab. I caught myself saying to her, "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

For some reason, it's easier for me to see the senseless part of all this when looking at my dog. She didn't do anything at all. In fact, Smokey was the one who rescued her and argued that she was worth keeping. And, she, like the rest of us, was abandoned when he left. At one point, he accidentally called her by the OW's dog's name while visiting our D12.

Some of this is just senseless.

Remain in this moment. Know you aren't to blame. People aren't perfect, even in the best of marriages. The key is to accept responsibility for your own shortcomings and move to improve them--sadly, this seems to be something our spouses are unwilling or unable to do.

Last edited by LoisB; 11/03/14 12:58 PM.

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Thanks Job, LT and LB for your input. LT, I'm thinking that he filed a contested D so he can continue to AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. I think in a contested D, the responsibility for dividing everything up belongs with the court rather than the H and W. And I think you and Job are right in that he wants to make this as difficult as possible on me. He knows I don't want the D, but I would not fight the D if that's what he truly wanted. And I certainly don't want to air this all out in public.

The paperwork I received states that I have 21 days from date of service to file a response to his "reasons" for the D. If no response is received by the court, then it will be assumed by the court that I do not wish to contribute to the proceedings. My time is running out - I have until 11/13 to file a response.

He's left me completely broke, living off of what I make (which is 1/3 of what he makes) trying to pay the bills in my name which were incurred by both of us but in my name because I had better credit limits. He does currently pay the mortgage payment, but otherwise he doesn't help at all.

I HATE THIS MESS!!!!! frown


~vows4ever
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Hi Vows,

Do you have a lawyer? or are you trying to answer this response on your own?

Make sure you respond regardless and do it honestly. If he has accused you of things that are not true then make sure to defend yourself strongly.

Given the length of time you were married and if there are no real compelling reasons like having an affair on your side then I suspect the court will tend to favor you a bit. At worst it will be a 50 / 50 split which means for some period he will probably have to give you money to equal the living arrangements. So if he is making 70k and you are making 30k the court will probably split it up to where you are each having 50k for some period till you are on your feet. If he lies about you and it can be proven then it will go against him.

You said he was a police officer. I suspect he may few somehow that he is above the law and therefor it will fall his way. I have heard of other police officers doing what yours is doing and getting the short end in a divorce because they were to stubborn and blinded to see what they were doing would back fire.


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