Dreading the holidays.....

[vows4ever]

I've been trying really hard to just live my life and move on as if H wasn't a part of my life anymore. And I have to say I was doing pretty well for a while. Then my 46th birthday rolled around last week and I know I shouldn't have expected anything, but it really hit me hard when I didn't even get a text wishing me a happy bday. He just acts like I don't exist and that I meant nothing to him all these years.

And now I'm facing Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years and I am dreading them. Normally, I love these holidays - the decorations, the music, the gift giving, the family get-togethers, cooking the big meals for the whole family. But this year it will just be me. I don't have any family left here anymore as both of my parents have passed away and my brother and sister live in other states. I will be going over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner, but they won't be having their dinner until Friday because of other family coming in from out of town. So, I will be alone on Thanksgiving day.

I am going to stay with my brother for Christmas and I am looking forward to getting away for a while and seeing them. But I am also dreading Christmas because this will be the first one without H in 22 years. Christmas has always been so special to us. He proposed to me on Christmas morning 16 years ago. And we've always made each Christmas so special.

Does anyone know how the MLCers deal with the holidays? I know some people dealing with depression tend to have a hard time over the holidays. But what about the MLCers? Do they get even more depressed or act more bazaar? Do they withdraw even more from family and friends? Or do they go in the opposite direction and act more manic than usual? I'd like to know what I might have to deal with.

Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated!!

[job]

vows,
It's time to create some new traditions. You can always go to a movie, volunteer at a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, a nursing home and visit w/the patients, or even a woman's shelter. During the holidays, these places need quite a number of volunteers and I have to say that I've done it quite often over the years and it is very rewarding in the sense that you can put a smile back on a person's face as well as feel good about yourself in helping someone in more need than yourself.

Now, the answer your other questions, it depends upon the MLCer has to how they react to holidays. Some getting really nutty and have more contact w/the LBS and others tend to avoid the holidays like the plaque. Again, some withdraw from family because they don't want to be reminded of what they've left behind and the guilt really tears them up. Others, well...they just ignore the guilt and bust on.

Generally from Halloween to St. Patrick's Day, you can expect odd behavior from MLCers. Some really miss home and family and will want more contact than ever. Others, will act out and try to make your life miserable if they can. Around Christmas Holidays, especially the days leading up to New Year's will be the time when many newbies have the bomb dropped on them w/respect to their MLCers wanting to leave and they don't love you like they use to. Why? Because they want to start out the new year right and be single once again.

There are many holidays between Halloween and St. Patrick's Day which means anything can happen during those times. My advice is not to worry about it and if something does happen, you can then determine how to handle it.

Vows, think about doing something different this year. I know it's a difficult time for you and you should try to find things to do so that you aren't alone.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself and let the future take care of itself as well.

[vows4ever]

Thanks for responding Job! I really appreciate your advice.

I am going to be doing lots of different things this year. I have great friends that are helping me through the tough times and I am so grateful for them! My brother and his wife are having me stay with them over Christmas and even paid for my plane ticket!

I guess I am just trying to gain some control over my life again and that's why I was wondering what to expect over the holidays. He has been so unpredictable from the beginning, but he seemed like he was starting to come around for a little while. Then in late Sept., the weekend before what would have been our 15th wedding anniversary, he took off on his motorcycle and wrecked it and ended up in the hospital. Since then, he's been so distant and angry. He won't face me or talk to me (unless his mother is with him). He claims he wants a D and is willing to sit down to discuss dividing our assets, but I can't get him to actually sit down to discuss. He just avoids.

And like I said before, I didn't even get a text from him. He seemed to have disappeared for over a week.

And now with the holidays coming up, I need to speak to him about my trip because he will need to take care of the fur-babies while I'm away. I just hope he's capable of being responsible enough to do this.

[job]

Vows,
I'm not surprised he is saying he wants a divorce and wants to discuss the division of assets and yet, you can't get him to sit down and do so. Typical mlc behavior. Unless you are ready to move ahead w/the divorce, I would sit quietly and see if he will reach out to you. You can't make or push him into meeting w/you because the guilt is eating him up right now. Can you monitor your bills/assets and if things start to get out of hand. If they begin to get out of hand, you may need to take action to move things over into your name so that he doesn't go off on a wild life excursion spending money on stupid stuff.

I will say this, holidays, anniversaries and special events that mean something to the both of you will become times of avoidance for him. He may even do some acting out around those times, just to annoy you or make you angry and miserable, just as he is. Don't ever think for one minute that he's forgotten your anniversary and other special dates because he hasn't. He just won't admit that he remembers them at the moment. So, keep your expectations at zero and do not expect any type of recognition for those special times. If, by chance, he does recognize them...well...it will be a pleasant surprise for you. Okay?

I'm glad to see that you have the holidays covered and will not be alone. I think it was very nice of your brother and his wife to ask you to stay w/them and what a pleasant surprise...your ticket is paid for.

Now, I'm going to give you a little bit of advice here. You can ask him about taking care of your fur babies, but I would have a back up plan because these mlcers are not very responsible or reliable. I, personally, think you should consider asking someone else to watch over them while you are gone. After all, they are your babies and they do need TLC while you are gone. Again, ask him, but keep your expectations at zero and definitely have a Plan B in place.

[vows4ever]

I totally agree Job! In fact, that is exactly what I've been doing regarding the D. Some of my friends wonder why I don't just call his bluff and start the process myself. But I have no intention of doing his work for him. If he really wants out, he will have to do the work. He put us in this sitch so he needs to be the one to take care of it. I don't want a D, he SAYS he does. So he will have to "man up" or continue to avoid. The ball is in his court.

So you really think he does recognize and remember the special dates like our anniversary, etc.? I guess I thought they just blocked all that stuff out, kind of erased it from their minds. It's really scary how their brains work (or not work!!).

I think you are right about having a Plan B in place!! He has been consistently inconsistent this whole time, so I will be sure to line up a backup plan before I leave!!!

[job]

Vow,
They do remember everything about their past life. If you send him letters, emails, cards or give him gifts, he will keep them. Some even keep the wrapping paper!

Generally in the early stages of mlc they will not talk about those special times, especially if you have an angry monster. I know that after I met up w/my xh 6 years after he walked out the second time, he asked me if I had gone "Black Friday" shopping that morning. I just looked at him and told him that I didn't do that any longer. My xh began wishing me a happy birthday and greetings for the holidays about 4 years ago. So, yes, they do remember a lot more than you think.

Their minds are like a bunch of twisted or scrambled wires that are sparking all over the place. Sometimes their minds race and they have no control over their thoughts or emotions and other times, they are like zombies staring into space. There is no way to predict which personality you will be speaking to at any given time. But, I can assure you, in time, you'll be able to tell when he opens his mouth to speak or by his body language (if you happen to be in his presence). It takes time, but you'll figure it out.

I agree...if he wants a divorce, then he should be doing the work. You can provide whatever paperwork you need to do, but put the responsibility of the divorce on him.

I would definitely have a Plan B in place. I know how much I love my babies and I sure wouldn't want a 2 year old promising to watch them and then don't show up to feed and water them. You'll feel better and enjoy your trips more if you have someone else to follow through on this for you.

[vows4ever]

Job,

That is so interesting that they keep letters, cards, etc. I have left notes for him on the dining room table and he takes them and if he bothers to respond, he will leave a separate note. I just thought he threw them away. I did leave him a birthday card for him and he took that as well. I had bought tickets to a comedy show that he wanted to see and put his ticket in his card. He never acknowledged it, so I assumed he just threw it away. When it came time for the comedy show, I sent him a text asking if he wanted to go or if not, I'd like the ticket back so I could find someone else to go with me. He responded and said he'd leave the ticket on the dining room table, which he did do.

Why do they hold onto these things if they don't want the LBS or the life they shared? Why do they say they want a D when their actions say otherwise? If they're confused (and there's no doubt that they are!!), then why don't they just say they need some time and space to clear their heads and deal with whatever their issues are?

If this wasn't so painful, it would be fascinating. I have to say that I am so grateful for this site because it validates what I've seen and experienced with H. At first, I really thought I was losing my mind!! It's amazing that these MLCers all seem to follow nearly the same script, almost word for word!!

[job]

Vows,
They hold on those items because it is a line to their old lives. MLCers do not want to lose that one little string that is still attached to the apron of their old lives. They pull those items out every so often and reflect on them.

They want a divorce because they think that by separating and moving on, their lives will be so much better. They look at us as their parents or authority figures and once they go back in time, they begin rebelling like a toddler or a teenager does when they think parents aren't getting it and allowing them to do what they want. Their feelings for us are then stuffed way down into their souls and their issues begin to rise and take over. Truthfully, I honestly don't think that they ever stop loving us, but the issues take over and their opposite selves take over. Some do walk away and never divorce. Sting use to post on here. Her had went MLCing and they aren't divorced and she's been on her on just about 14 years.

You have to remember that each and every person goes through a life's transition and those that don't navigate them well are more than likely to have a full blown crisis at some point. Each person is different, each crisis is different and how they handle they crisis will be very unique and yet have similar traits of others.

So, yes, it's a painful journey, but when you get to the other side, it can be fascinating to watch from afar to see just what they will say or do next.

[vows4ever]

Well I survived Thanksgiving! I am so thankful that I have such wonderful friends who included me in their family get-together. Although I really missed spending it with H and his family, it wasn't as hard as I was afraid it would be thanks to my wonderful friends.

I did send H a text simply wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. I didn't hear back from him that day which did hurt, but he finally responded the next day wishing me a Happy belated Thanksgiving. If I had to guess, he waited until he was away from his mother before he responded since he is always much nicer when he is away from her.

I sent a text asking him to stop by the house this past weekend because I needed to talk to him about a few things. I wanted to let him know I was going out of town for Christmas and to make arrangements for him to take care of our fur-babies whiling I'm gone. I also had a few other things to discuss with him while I had him in front of me for a few minutes. But I didn't want to "discuss" these things through a text.

But, surprise, he never replied and he never showed up. I finally sent another text after I had enough time to cool off and asked him if he got the text I sent last week asking him to stop by. I said that I hoped it had just slipped his mind and that he wasn't avoiding me. I got a response that time! He said Saturday was the only day he could stop by this week because of work and wanted to know what was so urgent. He claims he isn't avoiding me - yeah, right!

I responded back that it wasn't urgent, just important and that I was glad he wasn't avoiding me, but when he doesn't respond like that, it feels like he is.

So I guess we shall see if he shows up or not on Saturday. Maybe he will surprise me, but I'll believe it when I see it!

I really am dreading the Christmas holiday though. I usually love this time of year, but I'm just not in the spirit this year. Usually, I love listening to the Christmas music and watching the Christmas shows but this year I can't bring myself to listen to or watch any of these. I'm excited to be seeing my brother at Christmas, but I'm dreading my first Christmas and New Years in 23 years without H.

I have decorated inside, but normally we decorate outside (and we usually win the decorating contest or come in 2nd each year). But this year there are no decorations outside. Only candles in the windows. The house looks great once you get inside, but it's depressing when I pull up in the driveway.

But, I just have to keep telling myself that I can survive this. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I should be able to bench press a Buick by now!!!

[BrightFuture]

Vows, holidays are tough, no question. It is the second year for me and I still feel sad.

My H did this to me during the first 6 months after BD, not responding to my texts sometimes and ignoring me. This year, he didn’t acknowledge the Mother’s day, which I thought was kind of weird because he wanted us to be “the best friends”.

Job posted a lot of good info on your thread. I’ve read all of it and I can definitely benefit from it for my sitch. My H said he was done with us last October and wanted to file for D back in April. He wanted to do it together. I told him to bring me the paper work and I would pass it to my lawyer. He didn’t like the lawyer idea. I haven’t heard anything about D since then. He treats me like don’t exist some times, and other times he is very nice and polite. I’m taking Job’s advice and sitting quite, waiting for him to initiate any motions.

It is great that you are spending the Christmas with your brother. I’ve learnt that family means a lot during this trying times.