Thanks Cadet. It is a lot to process, but things are going well. I feel like there is oxygen in the room again. When I was living with her, I was suffocating.
We have 3 kids with a 50/50 custody arrangement, so going dark is not really an option. She calls me a couple times a day. The calls are cold and borderline rude. They always involve her wanting something from me; usually money and kids scheduling.
I don't think she understands what it means to be divorced, or what custody means. On Tuesday, she called and said D6 was sick and wanted me to stay home from work with her. I explained that I had a busy day at work and that since it was her week that she would need to stay home. She got mad at me and hung up.
This weekend she has plans. She won't tell me what the plans are, but she wants me to take the kids for the weekend. I said fine. I counted 21 days this month that I will have the kids. I enjoy having my kids, but I wonder how it makes them feel. I also feel used, paying her $700/month child support.
My L said to just document everything and we can revisit the custody arrangement in a year.
Establishing a new relationship with my STBX is difficult, but everything else in my life is going well. I am excited about the next year and my new life. I am ready to put the last 2 years behind me.
My new house is finally in order. When we separated I moved in with my dad. My mom died of breast cancer 2 1/2 years ago and the house has pretty much sat "as-is" for the entire time. I have been going through closets and cleaning things out. The clutter is almost all gone.
The house is very feminine. Flower borders, curio cabinets with endless nick knacks. Painted plates and teacup collections hanging on the walls. It is exactly how you would expect a house decorated by a grandmother in her 60's to decorate it. It is really not the right style for my dad and I, but I like being reminded of my mom and I don't have the time/money to redecorate. I did let the kids redecorate their rooms.
I invited a bunch of friends over for the UFC fight tomorrow night. GSP vs Hendricks. I am a GSP fan, but like Hendricks. It should be a good fight. Since most of my friends are married and the woman don't care about the fight, we are also going to have a game night. It is the first time I have invited people over in over a year.
My STBX leaves for Haiti again on Sunday, so I get 2 weeks with the kids without any parenting advice from my ex. Yea-haw....
My L said to just document everything and we can revisit the custody arrangement in a year.
Good advice,
I guess I would take all the time with my kids that I could get. But that is just me, your kids are only this age once and then there is no getting that time back.
Cadet - I am thankful that I get time with my kids. I could do without having to pay for it. All in all, I am truly blessed and shouldn't complain. I am just glad things are moving to closure. It has been a rough year.
The truth is, my W is struggling. I worry about her.
Feeling down today. I feel very lonely and am jealous of my W. She is dating multiple men. Her phone never stops ringing. She has dates, a sex life, people calling her and telling her how much they want to be with her. I am her babysitter.
I want a romantic relationship. I want to hear I love you. I am tired of sleeping alone. I want sex!
In my head, I know her relationships are shallow and empty; broken people using each other. I know that I am not emotionally capable of having a healthy romantic relationship right now. I know that my kids need me and I should be thankful of the time I have with them. In my head I know all these things.
You often hear how difficult the Holidays are for people with relationship issues. How true it is. This week was my first Thanksgiving without my W. Today is her birthday, and she is celebrating it without me. I feel like a piece of my life is missing.
I need to get divorced. I need to move on without her. There is no question that what needs to be done has been done. But, the feelings just don't go away. A friend told me on Wed that I needed to let her go. I asked him where the on/off switch was. I can't seem to find it.
I am told that these feelings never go away. But, in time they become less intense, less frequent and shorter in duration. I wish I was mild Rip Van Winkle and could go to sleep and wake up in a year.
I have been thinking about dating a lot. I went to one of the free on-line dating sites and was browsing. I don't know why. I wasn't going to contact anyone.
A female friend has been texting me a couple of times a day. She asks how my day is going and shares what her day was like. I usually just make small talk, but we have shared some of our deeper feelings related to our divorces. She has been separated for 2 years and has emotionally moved on from her husband. She is ready for a new relationship.
She is always suggesting activities that we could do together. On Tuesday, she told me how much she liked the Hunger Games and how badly she wanted to see the 2nd movie. I finally told her that I was not emotionally ready to date, that my D was not final and that I was concerned with my kids feelings.
She said she understood. She continues to text everyday.
Tomorrow my kids go to my W's for 2 weeks. She had plans this week, so she asked to switch weeks. They have been with me for 16 days straight. Since I won't have any parenting responsibility for the next 14 days, I was thinking about going completely NC.
I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't remember ever being without kids for this long. I play soccer Thursday nights, but that is my only scheduled activity.
I went on-line and looked for ballrooms to start taking dance lessons again. The closest one is 35 minutes away. They have a group lesson and social dancing every Wed night. It isn't very expensive, so I am going to go.
I would also like to play some hockey. I will have to contact all the local rinks and see what nights/times they have pickup hockey.
* I have the terms of my divorce finalized and a firm closure date.
* I have a 3 year financial plan that gets me completely out of debts, pays off my spousal support in 2 years (I agreed to 5 years), and allows me to buy the house I am living in.
* I live in a beautiful house, have the rooms all setup for my kids and me, and have good arrangements for school and child care.
* Me and my kids are all in good health.
* I have a good job that I enjoy, pays very well and comes with 5 weeks vacation.
* I have tremendous support from friends and family (Including my XW's family).
* I am loved and forgiven by Jesus Christ.
I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I have been blessed. Why can't I be satisfied with this?
The die is cast, she is no longer my W. Why does the sight of her, or the hearing of her voice affect me so negatively. Why does the thought of her with other men hurt so much? Why is this so hard and taking so long? I want to move on.
My kids are at my W's for 2 weeks. It is very strange having this much time on my hands. I need to fill my calendar.
I took a ballroom dance class tonight. After the class the studio was having social dancing, but I didn't feel comfortable enough with my dancing to stay. Maybe next week.
The class was Waltz and East coast swing. The lessons are progressive where you learn something new each week. I am not sure how that will work with my every other week custody schedule.
My W calls me a couple of times every day. She doesn't actually talk to me and is always very short, borderline rude.
Monday she called to tell me I had mail at the house.
Yesterday she called to tell me that I have to put her back on my insurance. Our divorce is scheduled to be final Jan9th. She wants me to put her on my insurance Jan 1, and then remove her Jan 9th. For the priveledge of providing her 8 days of insurance, I get billed an additional $110/month for the entire year. I told her no.
I also explained that the enrollment period is over and I couldn't make a change even if I wanted to. She needs to get her own insurance. She told me that she is going to call her lawyer and take me to court. Why this is a bog problem yesterday and was ignored when I emailed her my plans before Thanksgiving is beyond me.
Tonight she called to complain that I am not doing a good enough job helping the kids with their homework and that my D6 is falling behind in reading. She is 6 and can read. How far behind can she be. More threats, this time if I don't do a better job helping her with her reading, she is going to take me to court and take my kids away.
Finally tonight, she called and left a message that D14 was swearing in the house, that she made her go outside, and that I need to come pick her up. She is no longer welcome in her house. I ignored the message. Her and D14 need to work that out.
I am working on patience and forgiveness. I want a better relationship with my wife. It can't be like this forever can it?
I missed my D6 Christmas concert tonight. It is my W's week for custody. The concert is at 7:00. At 6:30 my W calls and tells me that her and D14 got into a fight, that she dropped her off at the side of the road and if I care then I can go pick her up.
I tell her that she has custody, that she can't leave D14 on the side of the road, that she is the parent and she needs to work it out. I get to the concert @ 6:50 and see my W. I ask where D14 is. "I don't know, I told you if you wanted you could pick her up".
It is December in Mi. It is dark and 10� out. D14 doesn't have a key to the house, or a cell phone. She is wearing a light hoodie with no coat. I call home, no answer. I call her friends, she is not there. Finally I leave the concert to go and try to find her.
At about 7:15 D14 calls me from her friends house. 5 minutes later my MIL calls to tell me that D6 is just walking unto the stage and that I missed her.
I have no idea how to handle these situations. Do I react to my W and go pick up my D right away? Do I stay at the concert and let D14 figure things out on her own? Do I take my W to court and fight for full custody. Do I just let things play out, be patient and hope D14 and my W work things out. I have no idea what to do.
I don't understand why she needs to make life so difficult.
W just called and wants to know where D14 is staying tonight. I tell her that she should probably stay here. After making her guest appearance at D6's concert, she is off to her Tue. night volleyball game. MIL is left with D6 and D12 for the evening.
And off she goes without a care in the world, or any appreciation of the chaos she leaves in her wake.
"And off she goes without a care in the world, or any appreciation of the chaos she leaves in her wake."
This is what we were talking about in terms of forgiveness and resentment. You haven't dealt with it yet. Building up resentment only hurts you and no one else.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Actually, I have no idea what you are talking about. Do you ever write a post that isn't critical? What is it you want me to say or do?
Yes I resent her for causing me to miss my daughters Christmas concert. I resent the manipulation. I resent the conflict. In what world do you live in where this is not a normal reaction?
"Actually, I have no idea what you are talking about. Do you ever write a post that isn't critical?"
Sure I do. And this one isn't critical. The thing that I and others posted to you months ago was that if you don't try to work on forgiveness towards your W, you could end up filled with resentment and anger. This is what you're going through now.
"What is it you want me to say or do?"
I don't want you to say or do anything. Just making an observation. It's up to you what you want to do.
"Yes I resent her for causing me to miss my daughters Christmas concert. I resent the manipulation. I resent the conflict. In what world do you live in where this is not a normal reaction?"
The issue is that the two of you are feeding off each others resentment of one another. Both of you can't let go so you're doing things (whether intentional or not) that the other person can't stand which builds more resentment.
It's a never ending wheel until one person decides to stop. Right now the biggest losers are your kids.
It's up to you on whether or not you want to change this dynamic.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
What is it that you think I did, that you want me to "Stop" or "let go of"?
I was at work getting ready to go to a concert. My phone rang, I answered it. I went to the concert, then I went and picked up my daughter. I have no idea how you interpret this as "Feeding off each other" or what you think I am doing to "Build resentment"
I would love to change this dynamic. I have no idea how. My goal for the last 2 weeks was NC. I don't contact her at all, but I still answer the phone. With 3 kids, I feel like I have to. Maybe I should stop.
"I was at work getting ready to go to a concert. My phone rang, I answered it. I went to the concert, then I went and picked up my daughter. I have no idea how you interpret this as "Feeding off each other" or what you think I am doing to "Build resentment""
I'm not talking about this specific situation. I meant your relationship dynamic with your W as a whole. You have three children together. How can you even think of having no contact with your W? They are caught in the middle of the two of you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I had the most wonderful time last night. I went ballroom dancing for the first time in 15 years. I danced the west coast, east coast, hustle, rumba, cha-cha, waltz and bachata. I can't believe how quickly it came back.
I must have danced with a dozen woman. Even the dances I didn't know, they dragged me out and taught me. What a blast. I can't wait to go back again next week.
My GAL has caught up with me. 5 soccer games in 9 days, a night out dancing, and several Christmas parties. My body is rebelling. Thank you ibuprofen.
I get my kids back on Sunday. Looking forward to family dinners, homework and bedtime reading.
I went out yesterday and bought some cold weather running gear. I am going to try and keep running through the winter. I have not ran in a month and I can feel it.
I feel your frustration. Keep doing things for yourself. definitely run. The way I see it is that it is your job to make yourself as appealing as possible to everyone. Women, men, be strong confident and at some point your wife will notice what a fool she is for leaving you. Just my opinion.
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
Hey Rock. Wondered what happened with you. Sounds like things are progressing.
Quote:
It's a never ending wheel until one person decides to stop. Right now the biggest losers are your kids
Mr B is correct. I lived that same thing. My friends pointed out the same - we were competing. I didn't see it at the time. It caused me all kinds of pain and suffering for no return.
By the description of what's going on, she may have left you but you'll have to be the one to leave her emotionally. She's not letting go of her favorite punching bag any time soon. Why would she?
Let. It. Go. Sooner than later and you'll be glad you did. Your kids will be glad you did too. It must s*ck to live like that between two parents that are fighting like that.
Don't you think?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am not sure what you want me to let go of. We have 3 kids, and are in a 50/50 custody arrangement. I think I am handling things with as much grace as I can.
I sent a letter to my L outlining the issues I have had with her with regards to custody. I need some legal boundaries put in place. Her behaviour is inappropriate.
//It must s*ck to live like that between two parents that are fighting like that.//
Since I moved out, we hardly talk let alone fight. I would personally like to do less of each. Lately the fighting has been between my W and kids.
I am working on leaving her both physically and emotionally. I filed for Divorce, completed all the paperwork, paid my lawyer to draft the agreement, and moved out. The divorce will be final Jan 9th.
Considering BD was last Dec, and I filed July 17th, I think I am "Letting go" at a pretty good pace.
Honestly, I hear the message about forgiveness and resentment loud and clear. I am working on seperating our lives, getting into a workable custody arrangement and moving on emotionally. I am doing it as fast as I can. I am happy with my progress.
//your wife will notice what a fool she is for leaving you. //
I doubt it. My W is very stubborn. She will never look back. She has to prove to the world that she made the right decision and that she is strong enough to stand on her own. She needs to win. To facilitate the divorce, I just let her win.
Also, if she ever did look back, the door has already closed.
I think I am handling things with as much grace as I can
I believe that. And I applaud that.
I'm just pointing out that there's more to go and trying to see if there is something you don't see. Maybe there is nothing I can help you see. Dunno. I can really only go off of what I do know and what I see which is likely based on my own experience and beliefs and your words.
If that is all the grace you can handle this with, then there really is no more to do, right?
And if there is no room for improvement, then also nothing more to do.
Glad things are moving along quickly for you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJM. I have a good support system of family and friends. I actively seek out wise council. You mentioned:
"My friends pointed out the same"
My friends and family all tell me the same thing. They tell me that I need to be more assertive. That I need to challange her more. That I need to enforce boundaries. The people who truly know us (including ALL of her family), all think that I tolerate too much and that I let her get her way too often.
I compromise regularly and put up with a lot in an attempt to avoid conflict. The result is that my W doesn't respect me, doesn't appreciate what I do and continually pushes for more. I have been a doormat for so long that I really struggle with this. Lately, I have been trying to be more assertive, to tell her no and to demand reciprication when I make compromises. It is not going well.
I do listen to the advice from this site and think about how to apply it. Let me give you a specific example that I am conflicted about. This morning my W texts me:
W: "I had to order D12's and D14's yearbooks. D14's was $76 and D12's was $51. Are you paying half? Also, I got a call from the school that one of the girls lunch account is overdrawn."
Me: "I will send $20 with each of the girls to school tomorrow to cover the balance. I spent $89 for D14's winter retreat. I will send you a check for the difference"
I immediately get a phone call back. She threatens to call her lawyer and insists that I pay for half the yearbooks. She doesn't want D14 going on the retreat (because she is mad at our church for asking her to leave). Not only won't she pay half, but D14 cannot go because they don't get back until Monday and she gets custody @ 5:00 Sunday. I tell her that she is welcome to take that position, but she needs to tell D14 and I will not be paying for 1/2 the yearbooks. If she wants to buy them for the girls, go ahead.
I already sent her over $2,500 last month, but she wants to give me grief about another $60. It never ends. She just keeps demanding more and more and more, and whenever I ask for anything, I get told to go pound sand.
I am seriously at a point where I will do exactly what the courts order me to and no more/ no less. I am tired of getting a phone call everyday nitpicking me for more money or telling me how to parent. I want a true seperation. I want her out of my life. If compromises are not reciprocated, I am done compromising.
I am conflicted, because it would be so easy to just pay her another $60 and avoid the conflict. But, like I said, I want a change on our relationship and simply saying 'Yes' to everything she asks for has never worked.
I want her to let D14 go on the retreat. I want her to pay 1/2 of the expenses I cover also. I want her to stop threatening me everytime I disagre with her. Everything seems so one-sided.
Gotcha. I know how you feel. I've been there. The text you received? That's almost verbatim what my ex sent me over and over again as recently as last night.
I doubt what you do will matter for what she's doing. At one point in the recent past my ex told me that she considered the court document (sep agreement) to be a set of guidelines. She fired her lawyer because she felt she didn't need it and it just cost her money That's what I base my observation on.
So, the text exchange? I would suggest you NOT do what you did. I tried that in the beginning and it ended the same way yours is. Instead? I follow to the letter. No more. No less. No expectations.
In the above, I don't even respond unless necessary. If a direct question, I directly answer it. I make sure to invoice her for the expenses I incur. I pay for my bills for the expenses I incur. That keeps it clean and neat and no questions. No expectations.
The change starts with you. She won't do it. She is not likely capable.
What you two are doing doesn't seem to work either. You think you're being reasonable and she goes to nuclear with any response you make.
Stop being reasonable. Stop being responsive at all. Stop having an expectation with regards to her and anything that you may want. She is a black hole in your universe and you cannot change that. Nor can you change how things go without changing how you interact.
I found that it took a long time. Been a few years and over that time I saw her continue as if I was still doing the same things. Then she began to quiet down and not instigate for a while. Then she became very noisy and started instigating all kinds of conversations. I finally told her to shut up and go away and stop harassing me. I cc'd her new husband. I did not threaten. I did not step beyond the issue at hand. I was mildly annoyed, but that was it.
In return I received another year of "junk" from her. Everything from accusations to lies etc. I'm waiting to see if this Christmas will bring me another round of harassment or if she'll be quiet. My money is on the former, but what do I know?
I do know that the more I stop allowing the behavior, the more effective I become at keeping her at bay. Do I get what I want? No. Do I get peace and more of what I want? Absolutely.
I changed. She had no choice but to change as well.
Stop the texts. Stop the ambiguity and expecting common understanding. Stop thinking you're a floormat. (I think you could look at your namesake as a floormat too, right? Was he? Or did he have a different perspective than you or I? ) Email helps to slow things down. No phone calls - too much emotion. If asked, just let her know it doesn't work for you. No more than that.
She will continue to do same as long as you do. Or longer....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
"(because she is mad at our church for asking her to leave)"
Weren't you the one who asked her to leave? Now that decision is haunting both of you. The blame is still going round and round. I don't know if you ee how the resentment on both your parts is why you can't communicate effectively.
No one said you had to give in to everything she asks. I think that's what you think I'm telling you. I'm just saying that there are better ways of handling the situation without you allowing resentment to eat away at you.
You say that you're getting better at forgiveness, etc. but it sure doesn't seem like it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I see the wisdom in what you are saying. I am going to start tomorrow:
1) I will answer the phone out of courtesy, but if it is not immediately urgent, I will just tell her "I do not wish to discuss this over the phone, please send me an email"
2) I will not respond to any texts that are not completely benign (For example "Where is D12's practice?"). If it is about money, or some other contentious issue, I will respond via email after a sufficient wait.
3) If the subject of money comes up, I will simply say "I am itemizing all my expenses and will send you an invoice at the end of the month. Please do the same, I will review it monthly and send you any money I feel you are owed." If there is a disagreement about what she feels I owe, then she can proceed with a court action, but I will not spend any time discussing it.
Yes, I asked her to leave the church. She doesn't belong there. Don't blame me for her spite and resentment.
I am not allowing resentment to eat away at me. I simply want a different relationship. I communicate very effectively.
She wants what she wants and threatens when she doesn't get it. She won't even consider anything I want. This has nothing to do with communication or resentment. It is all about selfishness and the personality of a bully.
I have worked on forgiveness. It doesn't stop the phone from ringing or the bullying behavior. I am going to give AJM's suggestions a shot. It can't hurt.
Hmm.. Not quite what I intended. Let me put it another way: The idea is to get some breathing room between the two of you. To put a buffer in there. To that end, I'm suggesting no more texts at all. It know it's convenient, but it's not working. By design, texting is brief and informal. Email is more formal and can allow a lot longer before a response.
The suggestions were there as a means to show you that YOU need to change the dynamic. It will NOT change overnight. You have to be prepared to change that and stay changed. Consistently.
It's also not all or nothing, but I agree that if she cannot be bothered to talk in a business like manner, you don't need to listen to it. The reverse is true as well. If you can't keep your remarks or the past or your anger out of the conversation, then she has no reason to listen to it.
Quote:
If the subject of money comes up, I will simply say "I am itemizing all my expenses and will send you an invoice at the end of the month. Please do the same, I will review it monthly and send you any money I feel you are owed."
If you had said that to me, I'd have flipped a lid and gone nuclear on your sorry a**. I will send you money I feel you are owed? Really? You don't see how that's caustic!??
Quote:
I will answer the phone out of courtesy, but if it is not immediately urgent, I will just tell her "I do not wish to discuss this over the phone, please send me an email"
That's much better. If you can be courteous. If not, let it go to voicemail. Respond later after you have had a chance to think about it. And think about it again.
Quote:
I will not respond to any texts that are not completely benign (For example "Where is D12's practice?"). If it is about money, or some other contentious issue, I will respond via email after a sufficient wait.
Eventually, you'll be able to teach her how to treat you. i.e. if she asks a reasonable question, you can give a reasonable answer via text. BUT for now, you two need some distance from each other, don't you agree?
The suggestions were to help you get that distance and slow things down until they can be more productive for all concerned. In the meantime, neither of you is going to get what you want, although you each may think the other is getting what they want at the time. Your perceptions of each other and selves is 180 out.
Cool things down. That's what I'm suggesting.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
"Yes, I asked her to leave the church. She doesn't belong there."
You just said that the church asked her to leave. Take responsibility.
"Don't blame me for her spite and resentment."
Fact is that if you didn't ask her to leave, she wouldn't be resentful of you. That was your role.
"I am not allowing resentment to eat away at me. I simply want a different relationship. I communicate very effectively."
Communication is more than just words. It's the tone of the words that you use. I don't think you realize how much of your anger is shown in your posts.
"She wants what she wants and threatens when she doesn't get it."
Because you two can't communicate any better right now.
"She won't even consider anything I want. This has nothing to do with communication or resentment."
Yes it does.
"It is all about selfishness and the personality of a bully."
She is defending herself because she feels like you take things away from her. Like the church thing. In that, you were being selfish and a bully.
"I have worked on forgiveness. It doesn't stop the phone from ringing or the bullying behavior."
Because the resentment is still there.
You know despite what you may think, I really do support you. In fact, your situation is so obvious in how to make things better, but you continue to go your own path and then complain when things don't change.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't know your entire sitch, so forgive me if I am off base, but as an outsider reading your thread... though your wife BD'd and didn't want to to the work for a better marriage, you were the one who ended up filing and I'm sure that is a big part of her anger and resentment....
I feel that you may have to step back, see her point of view (though divorce was initially her idea, her mind was probably not wrapped confidently around what that would mean [hence why she didn't follow through] and how her life would change. Now that she has the new life she thought she wanted it's probably not going as smoothly as she thought it would and she's frustrated and since you were the initiator, you are to blame in her mind.); then learn to come from a place of understanding in your approach with her to start changing the dynamics of your relationship.
For example, when she dropped you D14 off on the side of the road: (which I don't agree with what she did but...) since you were already on your way to the concert picking D up immediately to unsure her safety, then going to the concert w/out responding to your W would've probably been best at that time and you may have made it in time to see D6 as well.... you have to choose your battles wisely.
Then later, after you're calm, your response could be talking in person or calling W to say "I know D14 can be difficult at times and I am sorry if she's been disrespectful towards you. This is a tough time for us all. Dropping her off on the side of the road could have ended in tragedy and I would hate for anything to happen to any of you. Maybe we can all sit down with her together and talk this over w/ D14? I was able to be there to help today, but this may not always be the case we the kids are on their scheduled time with you. So we have to figure out a better way to go about this...What are your thought on this?"
I suggested you all sitting down w/ D14 to handle herbehavior, b/c you and W still have to be one the same team for your children and not act as enemies....your kids still need to see mom & dad are one the same page when it comes to them/their behavior etc...because they are what matters most. Once there is an understanding, and W feels that general support from you, hopefully W's behavior will change and she'll see it's not realistic to call you to "fix" things every time there is a simple issue w/ the kids or they are behaving in ways she doesn't like during her weeks with them.
D14 also needs to know from you it's not ok to disrespect mom. They also need to see you respecting mom in the way you communicate and deal with situations.
Your W seems to be struggling right now and her decisions may not be the best, but unfortunately you will have to deal and continue to be the stable minded parent in your interactions with W and the kids.
Don't let your W's poor words and actions have so much power over your emotions...it's annoying and difficult, but you will have to be the bigger person time and time again.
As time goes on the way would handle your wife (w/ understanding and respect, at the same time not being a doormat) will rub off and she will begin to do the same.
Hope I am not too far off base w/ my advice. And I hope your sitch becomes easier sooner than expected.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
That's what I base my observation on.