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#2403483 11/12/13 03:41 PM
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My husband told me he was divorcing me last week. Although shocked, I also have been unhappy in the marriage. I plan on particpating here further - to add details and talk about the books - but today what I want to know is:

Can I do the 180 and apply what I learn in the books by myself? Without my H knowing that I am attempting to change our course?

It isnt as though I want to be dishonest, but he is resolute and frankly I think we can make it. I need to try.


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Hi Cindy, Absolutely you can do this on your own...most of the folks that are on this site, are making changes on their own, which is how they get their spouse to react differently. The DB coaches are experts in helping you come up with a plan that is most likely to make you successful in turning your relationship around. Having someone in your corner guiding you and helping you tweak what you are doing is invaluable. Take good care.


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Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
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Hey Cindy,

Let me preface this by saying that I'm fairly new at this myself, so if I say something that contradicts a vet, feel free to ignore!

Have you read DR yet? If you haven't, you'll soon see when you read it that you definitely can apply what you learn in the book by yourself. That's one of the great things about it is that it allows you to make changes for yourself and (hopefully) your M without your H needing to be on the same page. It's not dishonest to work on improving yourself and make changes that help you become a happier, more confident person.

Also, I believe in some of the techniques, depending on the exact details of your sitch, that it's actually best not to push the books and changes that you're trying to make in your H's face, particularly if he is not at the stage where is he ready to accept his part in what brought the M to this point and work on himself. My understanding as I've been working on it is that I first had to look at myself (GAL) and stop pursuing H.


M: 26 H: 30
no kids
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BD / I moved out of in-laws: 10/9/13
Changes mind from divorce to MC (never went): 10/15
Conflicted/ambivalent but more positive: 10/26
Doesn't know what he wants: 11/7
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Welcome Cindy. DB/DR is really meant to be done by yourself, so grab one of the books and get started reading!

How about providing some more background on your sitch....how long married, kids, problems you've had, what you haven't liked about your role in the M, etc.


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Cindy,

You said, "Frankly I think we can make it." Folks around here talk about a positive mental attitude (PMA) a lot. I think you're already half way there. Give us some more background about your situation, if you are up for it.

s4tk


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Yes, you can absolutely do this alone! After 3 months of working on my issues (without my W), she's not even sure who I am today, but she definitely likes the new me much better!


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Originally Posted By: wnycindy

Can I do the 180 and apply what I learn in the books by myself? Without my H knowing that I am attempting to change our course?


As the others said, absolutely! There's a chapter in DR called "It Takes One To Tango" that specifically addresses this. Read DR as soon as you can, then come back and ask questions about what you've read. It's a fantastic resource, I've read it 4 or 5 times!


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Hi wnycindy, I would bet that 99.9% of the people here are doing it alone. It's very rare that someone would find themselves on this board if their spouse is willing to engage with them to improve their marriage.

Acc


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"It isnt as though I want to be dishonest, "

There's nothing dishonest about doing this. In fact it will probably be the most honest thing you'll ever do in your M'd life.


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100% yes, you can do this on your own. There is no guarantee that you will save your M, but it's the best chance you've got.

7 weeks ago, my H was 100% certain he was going to D me, and couldn't get out of here fast enough. After 5 weeks of DBing (with lots of little baby steps in between), he told me he really appreciated all the positive changes I have made, that it reminded me of why he married me, and that he is open to the possibility of fixing things between us. He still moved out and we are separated, so I have a long way yet to go, but I am thrilled with the results so far - not only because I feel hope for my M, but because I feel hope for myself.

Read the book, get going on your 180s and GALing, and post here often - you will get tons of excellent advice, information, and maybe some gentle bonks on the head when you need them. smile


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Don't worry about dishonesty, none of DR is dishonest. It's mostly about knowing what you want and working on self improvement.

Between DB and DR, I recommend DR.


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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In physicality you do it all on your own. Virtually, we got your back wink

There is no dishonesty, you chose how you will act and react out of your vast emotional base. Choosing to not nag over nag, or be your own friend by 180 and PMA is not dishonesty. You will find more truth than you thought possible.

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We were both 40 when we married. We've been married 8 years. I have a now 17 year old daughter. He cheated the first four years, repeatedly. I responded by being financially unhelpful. Resentment has built. He stopped having sex with me a year ago, but continued to otherwise lavish me with love and gifts. I thought he needed to see a doctor.

A few days ago, he told me he was divorcing me. I am frightened at being on my own and can't imagine not having him in my life.

I am unsure if it is fear or love which is motivating me to keep the marriage.

I've ordered DR, and will have it Monday. I'm referring to the 180 and can say it allows me to at least breathe.

I have regret. I have anger. I feel like we could have had something beautiful but that we've both beaten it to death. I don't know....I love him. I think we've both changed, but hung onto resentment. What a waste. I don't want it to end this way.


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Im overwhelmed by your kindness. Actually, Im just pretty much overwhelmed.

So details. Weve been married 8 years. Were both approaching 50. I have a daughter from a previous marriage getting ready to start college. Her real Dad isnt in the picture. My husband cheated on me many times during the first four years of our marriage. I responded by not particpating financially in the marriage. I guess - thats his stance. I can admit to becoming depressed and bitter & never really trusting him again. He responded by becoming distant, we havent had sex in a year. I thought he needed to see a doctor.

Doesnt sound worth saving does it? Im not sure myself except that ...Ive become someone Im just not. And at the loss of my marriage I realized it. Like a curtain lifted. Possibly too late for the marriage, but I know not too late for me personally.

I love this guy, faults and all. I can deal with his kind of broken - but I didnt. Still, I want to see if I can save this or at the very least come out a better person.

Im doing the 180 as it is listed here, for the most part sticking to it - and its been good for me to have a process, something to follow.

If it comes to divorce, Im going to need another forum - because it will be an ugly divorce that goes to trial due to our financial and prpfessional circumstances.

I am scared as HELL.


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Im doing something wrong. I posted last night and thought it didnt show up because it needed to be screened. I posted again to today, same thing. Not seeing them.


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Ok, third try to post. I was using quick reply so maybe thats the issue.

First, I am overwhelmed by the kindness of your responses. I am overwhelmed period so thats no surprise.

We have been married 8 years, we were both 40 when we married. His first, my second. I have a daughter from previous marriage getting ready for college. Her dad is not in the picture.

I dealt with his repeated infidelity for the first several years of our marriage . I responded by not participating financially. He responded to that by withholding sex for the past year, but continuing to be affectionate and loving. I thought he needed to see a Dr.

I love him. We squandered something beautiful. I have to try and also have to prepare to divorce.

I have reasons other than love to want to stay married right now. Im not ready to leave. A divorce will go to trial and I will lose everything including my job.
Scared as hell.

Doing the 180. Its keeping me occupied and sane.


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I keep submitting replies but they never show up


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Well, I've been replying to your posts but in the wrong format , so they didn't show up! But I think I've figured it out this time.

First, I'm overwhelmed by the kindness of each of you to take the time to reach out to me. Of course, I'm overwhelmed in general.

My DR book comes Monday. I have read and applied the rules of the 180 as listed here. As best I can given the panic I am in. I have to say that doing so made me feel much better , more in control, just to have a process to follow and focus on. I backslid with tears last night. But I'm back on track.

It's hard to post details. I want to be completely honest and also not judged badly. Actually, I'm fine with criticism , but I want to focus on right now.

My life and my marriage are as complicated as anyone's . We married at 40, 8 years ago. His first, my second. I have a daughter, her dad is not reliable.

I was a struggling single mom when we met. We married quickly. He was successful and treated me and my daughter beautifully. I found out he was cheating on me repeatedly during our first year. First month and after. It broke me. I knew he loved me. Anyway, I stayed. It continued on and off for 4 years. During that time, I said screw it and did not participate financially in the marriage. My name was on none of our assets, I didn't feel he was committed to me. But really, I failed myself and my daughter. I didn't look for a better job, I stayed with a job I dislike. I disrespected my own future. Stupid. Each time I caught him cheating, he would blame it on my financial betrayal of him. I understood there was validity there, but...I did nothing.

I think he changed, I think he stopped cheating . But I don't know. I am untrusting of my own judgement. The past few days, since the panic , I feel like I'm coming out of a fog.
This isn't who I am. His career demands that I be involved and supportive and by his side. I've done that , but neglected my self. I don't know who I am.

I'm scared as hell. He has the professional skills to hide his money and assets and has.
He is attempting to negotiate with me financially, which I just don't have the capacity to do. But listen! I'm not a victim here. I've done this to myself. However it started, my reaction to the problem made it worse.

I'm rambling. I need a trifecta. I can do this. It's just too fast. I need to at least slow this down.


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Well do I feel silly. I didn't realize I was on moderation.

So, I received DR and have read through to Step 3 which is when I should be writing down my goals, and I'd like some help getting specific.

I'm doing the 180 and additionally I'm looking hard for a new job. I need to be independent whether we divorce or not. I was gone with friends and family most of the weekend and have a job interview. So, my goal personally and for the marriage is my becoming more self sufficient. Possibly he might react by ....
I'm not sure here what small things to achieve.

We aren't having sex and that would be great, but that seems like a very big goal. He is affectionate, always has been, so that means nothing.

Need some brainstorming.


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No replies at all, huh ? I had thought there might be more to all this.


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You do understand that we don't actually WORK for this forum right?

Did you actually finish reading DR? As for the 180, it means to do behaviors that are opposite of the ones that your H didn't like. What were those?

When he cheated on you before, did the two of you go into C? Is this his second M as well? If so, what happened in his first one?


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Yes, I totally understand this isn't your job. I was just antsy because Ive participated in forums for other subjects, and it was just different.

My behavior . He wants me to earn more money. So, I'm looking for another job.
His cheating came with the marriage, I just didn't know it. It's his first marriage. I found out a year in that the woman he had been dating before me didn't even know they were broken up when someone told her he was engaged to me.

Broken people I guess. I don't think this one will make it.
I've done some homework, he's hidden his money. This has been sometime coming. I just have to let go.


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Slow down! Stop and breath for a few minutes.

Okay ready?

Now, slowly, what are his complaints about you? The marriage?

His age makes him ripe for a mid life crisis. How was his childhood? Parents?

No sex for a year sounds fishy. Any other reason for you to believe he is seeing someone else? If he is, would you still stay in the marriage if he confessed his mistake and reformed?

Lets start there. Please take time to gather your thoughts and be detailed. We want to help you but its hard with so much emotions interfering with your written thoughts.

This is a difficult time and we have ALL been there! Take care of yourself. Eat, breath, sleep, exercise and stay in close contact with your kids. Focus on the things in your life that are not in turmoil. Take the time to smell the roses....

Life is beautiful. Dont forget that.


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His complaint about me is that I don't make enough money, that my daughter and I have run him into the ground. I could spend time here defending that absolutely , but that's not why we're here.

Although he was a serial cheater the first 4 years of our 8year marriage, I think it stopped a few years ago. Sex dwindled as he stopped cheating. Basically stopped two years ago. I suspect it is because of ED. I still do. Although he denies it is a medical problem.

Up until 2 weeks ago, he was very very affectionate and loving. He lost a political election nov. 5th.

Im going to get away for the day today and do what you said.

Thank you.


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Mid life crisis is usually triggered by a tradgic or life altering event. The lost election could be the trigger.

In any case, lets not worry too much about his issues that are driving this behavior and lets just focus on what you can do about it.

What behaviors can YOU start to change that will change the dynamic?

I sense a lot of negativity and hopeleness in your tone. Is that how you act when he is around?

You need to work on being positive because it will show on you. People like to be around positive people.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
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Im interviewing for new jobs, Im proactively financially preparing to leave and be able to care for myself and daughter.

She is starting college in January - so the timeing of this is like pulling the rug from beneath us both. I am having to register her at a local college instead of away, to save money. And I have no idea where we will live.

So, I have a lot on my plate - but Im doing it. Im definitely depressed but Ive been staying busy and not moping around the house.

Some direct questions regarding the 180.
We are sharing a bed, given that I had emptied the guest room a few months ago for a remodel. I sleep on a couch when its too hard for me - but what should I be doing here? If I set up another bed should I make him sleep in it?

He doesnt want to tell his family yet, he is generally very private when dealing with them. So, he wasnts me to go to Thanksgiving dinner at his Moms. My daughter, who is 17 - simply wont and I will not make her.
This would be difficult on me emotionally as I love his family, especialy his siblings. But I can do it if I should.


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I had a question. Do you really want to save your M? I mean, from your basic tone in your comments and from what I read, it doesn't seem like you're whole heartedly in to reconcile. Is it what you really want?


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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MrBond has a good question. How much do you want this? Or is it out of convenience?


Me, H-34 now 38
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I love him with everything I am. I am fully committed to him .
I would like to save this marriage . And I'm going to try until I can't .
I'm not hopeful but I have to do this.


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I am going to his mothers for dinner and plan on bring
As happy with his family as I always am. I told him I don't agree with his
Decision to divorce, but that I accept his feelings.
I think the best thing I can do is become independent and get happy.


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Got through it, with grace I think. You're all correct,
My thoughts are everywhere. I'm In apanic and have to find my center.
I want to save this marriage. I will change and hope that he can too.
But at the same time, I have got to prepare to divorce.
I can't ignore it.
We had put some money aside for my daughters college.
Not a lot, but enough that supplementing it would be easier.
She is not his and now he said the money is gone . She isn't
Eligible for financial aid because of our combined incomes.
So, I have to pay cash myself . And I will do it, but it's difficult for me to take that
On unexpectedly and at the same time become independent.

I'm frustrated. We have been cordial, he tells me he will help with this semester.
But I can't take it. That's the opposite of what I need to do.


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You're still all over the place. Why do you have to prepare for D?


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Well, there are many things that will change if we divorce. Where I live, where my daughter will live, how I will afford it, what about my dog, without financial aid for college, how will I pay cash for my daughters first year. Those are just logistics of life, the plans we made together do not so easily transfer to me doing them alone. To ignore the possibility of divorce , would be to be in denial.
I can hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I have been doing the 180 and for the most part been polite and not interested in his activities because I've been busy with my own. It's hard to not get angry and defend myself because he isn't being very nice. Grumpy.

Prior to this, our family revolved around him and his career. Now I'm focusing on mine.

I'm going to church and praying hard for guidance .


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So, I saw an attorney a few days ago. I also got a new job, making more money with real potential. I'm keeping a second part time job to help pay for my daughters tuition. I will be fine .

Except , I really dont want a divorce. I am in love with my husband and I want very much to spend the rest of my life with him.

He says he doesn't love me anymore, that I never forgave him for cheating, and that it's too late. I have not felt loved in a year, so I guess it's true tht he doesn't.

I also think that losing this last election was a much bigger blow to him than I would have expected. Also, I have learned that he put much much more of his own money into the campaign than he told me. He gambled and lost .

He is unhappy with himself, I see that. It's quite possible he has ruined himself financially . I don't care. I'll get three jobs if I need to. I am stepping to the plate and feeling stronger.

I'm not hopeless. But he said he doesn't love me and I believe him.

Can I actually change this?


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any updates? being male myself, think long and hard about the forgiveness thing you mentioned. We all mess up, but one huge thing in my R/M right now is the fact that my wife holds grudges about every thing I've ever done or said that hurt her. I've apologized, I think sincerely, for each and every instance. It's obvious that there's no forgiveness. Nothing can be fixed without it. Yes, trust will take a while to regain, in the face of infidelity, but forgiveness is a choice, you can do it.

other than that, are you sure you're not fighting for the M because you don't want to "lose"? cuz I don't know that I hear a lot from you that you love him.

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Karen I'm doing the last resort technique. My husband and are not talking anymore. But we live in the same house. Before I was the one who usually initiate conversation. Or he will say hi. But now... Nothing at all. What will I do?

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What happens when wife is silent and a call email or fb requests locks you up. .?
I'm waiting to fight off the false restraining order her lawyer,convinced her to do them work on something because the db and dr books are great but at some point a communication is needed between spouses

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Should I have my attorney ask hers to dismiss the divorce

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helpjim,
I'm newer to DB than you are, but am in a similar NC sitch with my WAW. From what i can tell, she has me blocked on her phone and email.

It's a bit expensive, but i have done three DB coaching sessions and they have helped a great deal. The coach (Chuck) has helped me see angles possible outcomes of actions I've thought of and probably prevented me from making the sitch worse. The coaching has been so helpful that I dug deep again and purchased three more.

If you want any more specific info on my sitch or coaching experience, I'm happy to share.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 51
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i did one session with him too. was helpful. please share survival tips. im blocked from her life too. please let me know how you are coping with the loneliness, did you suffer betrayals? dating while separated? do you have kids? i want them so badly. im 34 and all around me people are having kids as a sign of love and responsibliity or a status symbol

Joined: Dec 2014
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helpjim,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. My W and i each brought 2 kids to our M from previous M's. I grew very close to her S and our kids grew very close to each other. It really felt like a family at times. Since she left (end of September), i have had no contact with her kids, she hasn't seen mine and they haven't seen each other. My kids are hurting a great deal.

I have no idea if she is dating or not. Before she cut off all contact, I did ask her in a text message if there was someone else. She replied, "Only a whore would date someone while they're still married!!" But maybe she protests too much? I haven't dated at all. I got on an online dating site for two days and chatted with a couple of women. Even set up a date with one, but called it off with her the day before. I realized that I love my W and am not interested in anyone else.

How am I coping with the loneliness? Well, I have reached out to a few friends and asked them if I can call each day. So i have about three people I call daily. I joined a church and have been going Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings - that is helping and I've begun to get to know some people. I do have two young kids (5 & 7 yo) fulltime, so I'm never home alone. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I have actually spent the past three weeks sleeping on the floor of my kids' bedroom (they've taken to sleeping in the same room) b/c it's very weird sleeping in my marriage bed w/o the W. And i have written some letters to my W that I never mailed. At least for the time I was writing them, I felt like i was having a conversation with her and getting things off my chest. And I pray every morning and every night for her, the SS and SD.

But I try to get out of the house a lot. I'm in the home we had together and it feels almost haunted with memories and the absence of the rest of my family. I'm in the process of losing the house as well (it's up for short sale) and it's painful to be here. So I have an incentive to get out and talk with people. Also, I am very close to the parents of my 1st W. They live in my town and I have been inviting myself over to their house for dinner once a week. They have been wonderful grandparents and very warm and loving towards me.

What kind of stuff do you find is working/not working for you?


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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One more thing. I haven't received any communication from my W for a couple months. Also no D notice. Nothing. But I stopped chasing about 6 weeks ago. Decided I would work this DB program while continuing IC. But I figured I would really work on GAL, like everyone here recommends. I thought that somehow she would notice or word would get back to her that I'm posting stuff on FB and seem to be having a decent time or she would sense a shift in the universe or something. But I also took to heart that GAL is necessary no matter what. This S has shown me that I need to make changes in my life for me, my children and for future Rs (if my W doesn't want to be w/me). So I guess I felt like I had nothing to lose.

If I act with honor towards her, if I work through my resentments and work towards loving her unconditionally, one or more things will happen. I will be prepared for a reconciled M with her and/or if she decides she wants a D, then I will be able to rest assured that I took the high road and did everything I could. I have decided that if she has had an A during the S, then that will be a deal breaker. Lots of people on this forum are working through A's, but I have done some soul searching and I'm not up for that challenge. So if I continue to do my GAL, reach out in the limited ways that my DB coach recommends, things will be OK. They will probably not end up the ways in which I fantasize they will be, but I will be stronger than I have ever been and my W will have made the mistake to end this M, not me.

I don't know if that makes sense. I haven't tried to explain my thinking on this, but doing the DB/GAL program seems to me to have no downside. I definitely wish I had found this stuff a few months before the S, but I didn't.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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Posts: 116
helpjim, how are you doing?


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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