In physicality you do it all on your own. Virtually, we got your back
There is no dishonesty, you chose how you will act and react out of your vast emotional base. Choosing to not nag over nag, or be your own friend by 180 and PMA is not dishonesty. You will find more truth than you thought possible.
We were both 40 when we married. We've been married 8 years. I have a now 17 year old daughter. He cheated the first four years, repeatedly. I responded by being financially unhelpful. Resentment has built. He stopped having sex with me a year ago, but continued to otherwise lavish me with love and gifts. I thought he needed to see a doctor.
A few days ago, he told me he was divorcing me. I am frightened at being on my own and can't imagine not having him in my life.
I am unsure if it is fear or love which is motivating me to keep the marriage.
I've ordered DR, and will have it Monday. I'm referring to the 180 and can say it allows me to at least breathe.
I have regret. I have anger. I feel like we could have had something beautiful but that we've both beaten it to death. I don't know....I love him. I think we've both changed, but hung onto resentment. What a waste. I don't want it to end this way.
Im overwhelmed by your kindness. Actually, Im just pretty much overwhelmed.
So details. Weve been married 8 years. Were both approaching 50. I have a daughter from a previous marriage getting ready to start college. Her real Dad isnt in the picture. My husband cheated on me many times during the first four years of our marriage. I responded by not particpating financially in the marriage. I guess - thats his stance. I can admit to becoming depressed and bitter & never really trusting him again. He responded by becoming distant, we havent had sex in a year. I thought he needed to see a doctor.
Doesnt sound worth saving does it? Im not sure myself except that ...Ive become someone Im just not. And at the loss of my marriage I realized it. Like a curtain lifted. Possibly too late for the marriage, but I know not too late for me personally.
I love this guy, faults and all. I can deal with his kind of broken - but I didnt. Still, I want to see if I can save this or at the very least come out a better person.
Im doing the 180 as it is listed here, for the most part sticking to it - and its been good for me to have a process, something to follow.
If it comes to divorce, Im going to need another forum - because it will be an ugly divorce that goes to trial due to our financial and prpfessional circumstances.
Im doing something wrong. I posted last night and thought it didnt show up because it needed to be screened. I posted again to today, same thing. Not seeing them.
Ok, third try to post. I was using quick reply so maybe thats the issue.
First, I am overwhelmed by the kindness of your responses. I am overwhelmed period so thats no surprise.
We have been married 8 years, we were both 40 when we married. His first, my second. I have a daughter from previous marriage getting ready for college. Her dad is not in the picture.
I dealt with his repeated infidelity for the first several years of our marriage . I responded by not participating financially. He responded to that by withholding sex for the past year, but continuing to be affectionate and loving. I thought he needed to see a Dr.
I love him. We squandered something beautiful. I have to try and also have to prepare to divorce.
I have reasons other than love to want to stay married right now. Im not ready to leave. A divorce will go to trial and I will lose everything including my job. Scared as hell.
Well, I've been replying to your posts but in the wrong format , so they didn't show up! But I think I've figured it out this time.
First, I'm overwhelmed by the kindness of each of you to take the time to reach out to me. Of course, I'm overwhelmed in general.
My DR book comes Monday. I have read and applied the rules of the 180 as listed here. As best I can given the panic I am in. I have to say that doing so made me feel much better , more in control, just to have a process to follow and focus on. I backslid with tears last night. But I'm back on track.
It's hard to post details. I want to be completely honest and also not judged badly. Actually, I'm fine with criticism , but I want to focus on right now.
My life and my marriage are as complicated as anyone's . We married at 40, 8 years ago. His first, my second. I have a daughter, her dad is not reliable.
I was a struggling single mom when we met. We married quickly. He was successful and treated me and my daughter beautifully. I found out he was cheating on me repeatedly during our first year. First month and after. It broke me. I knew he loved me. Anyway, I stayed. It continued on and off for 4 years. During that time, I said screw it and did not participate financially in the marriage. My name was on none of our assets, I didn't feel he was committed to me. But really, I failed myself and my daughter. I didn't look for a better job, I stayed with a job I dislike. I disrespected my own future. Stupid. Each time I caught him cheating, he would blame it on my financial betrayal of him. I understood there was validity there, but...I did nothing.
I think he changed, I think he stopped cheating . But I don't know. I am untrusting of my own judgement. The past few days, since the panic , I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. This isn't who I am. His career demands that I be involved and supportive and by his side. I've done that , but neglected my self. I don't know who I am.
I'm scared as hell. He has the professional skills to hide his money and assets and has. He is attempting to negotiate with me financially, which I just don't have the capacity to do. But listen! I'm not a victim here. I've done this to myself. However it started, my reaction to the problem made it worse.
I'm rambling. I need a trifecta. I can do this. It's just too fast. I need to at least slow this down.
Well do I feel silly. I didn't realize I was on moderation.
So, I received DR and have read through to Step 3 which is when I should be writing down my goals, and I'd like some help getting specific.
I'm doing the 180 and additionally I'm looking hard for a new job. I need to be independent whether we divorce or not. I was gone with friends and family most of the weekend and have a job interview. So, my goal personally and for the marriage is my becoming more self sufficient. Possibly he might react by .... I'm not sure here what small things to achieve.
We aren't having sex and that would be great, but that seems like a very big goal. He is affectionate, always has been, so that means nothing.
