My husband told me he was divorcing me last week. Although shocked, I also have been unhappy in the marriage. I plan on particpating here further - to add details and talk about the books - but today what I want to know is:
Can I do the 180 and apply what I learn in the books by myself? Without my H knowing that I am attempting to change our course?
It isnt as though I want to be dishonest, but he is resolute and frankly I think we can make it. I need to try.
Hi Cindy, Absolutely you can do this on your own...most of the folks that are on this site, are making changes on their own, which is how they get their spouse to react differently. The DB coaches are experts in helping you come up with a plan that is most likely to make you successful in turning your relationship around. Having someone in your corner guiding you and helping you tweak what you are doing is invaluable. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm fairly new at this myself, so if I say something that contradicts a vet, feel free to ignore!
Have you read DR yet? If you haven't, you'll soon see when you read it that you definitely can apply what you learn in the book by yourself. That's one of the great things about it is that it allows you to make changes for yourself and (hopefully) your M without your H needing to be on the same page. It's not dishonest to work on improving yourself and make changes that help you become a happier, more confident person.
Also, I believe in some of the techniques, depending on the exact details of your sitch, that it's actually best not to push the books and changes that you're trying to make in your H's face, particularly if he is not at the stage where is he ready to accept his part in what brought the M to this point and work on himself. My understanding as I've been working on it is that I first had to look at myself (GAL) and stop pursuing H.
M: 26 H: 30 no kids M: 4 T: 6
BD / I moved out of in-laws: 10/9/13 Changes mind from divorce to MC (never went): 10/15 Conflicted/ambivalent but more positive: 10/26 Doesn't know what he wants: 11/7
Welcome Cindy. DB/DR is really meant to be done by yourself, so grab one of the books and get started reading!
How about providing some more background on your sitch....how long married, kids, problems you've had, what you haven't liked about your role in the M, etc.
You said, "Frankly I think we can make it." Folks around here talk about a positive mental attitude (PMA) a lot. I think you're already half way there. Give us some more background about your situation, if you are up for it.
s4tk
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
Yes, you can absolutely do this alone! After 3 months of working on my issues (without my W), she's not even sure who I am today, but she definitely likes the new me much better!
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
Can I do the 180 and apply what I learn in the books by myself? Without my H knowing that I am attempting to change our course?
As the others said, absolutely! There's a chapter in DR called "It Takes One To Tango" that specifically addresses this. Read DR as soon as you can, then come back and ask questions about what you've read. It's a fantastic resource, I've read it 4 or 5 times!
Hi wnycindy, I would bet that 99.9% of the people here are doing it alone. It's very rare that someone would find themselves on this board if their spouse is willing to engage with them to improve their marriage.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
100% yes, you can do this on your own. There is no guarantee that you will save your M, but it's the best chance you've got.
7 weeks ago, my H was 100% certain he was going to D me, and couldn't get out of here fast enough. After 5 weeks of DBing (with lots of little baby steps in between), he told me he really appreciated all the positive changes I have made, that it reminded me of why he married me, and that he is open to the possibility of fixing things between us. He still moved out and we are separated, so I have a long way yet to go, but I am thrilled with the results so far - not only because I feel hope for my M, but because I feel hope for myself.
Read the book, get going on your 180s and GALing, and post here often - you will get tons of excellent advice, information, and maybe some gentle bonks on the head when you need them.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
