Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2401209&page=1

Still trying to make my own road map!

I'm doing better than when I started that last thread tho!

Here's to "letting it all go"! Hopefully, I will be able to find the strength to heal so I stop standing in my own way.

Nero, I still have your note! Ur, I have a blank map in front of me that's ready for me to chose a path, and Linda we will be awesome, we are already awesome!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
Attagirl, sweetie. I have such faith in you.

How exciting to have a blank roadmap. Really my roadmap was about how I was going to act, who I was going to be. What did I want to see when I looked back at this point of my life? I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I wanted to see that I handled it with dignity and strength and that I did all that I could.

Take it one step at a time. Do one thing different.

I am rooting you on.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Really my roadmap was about how I was going to act, who I was going to be. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I wanted to see that I handled it with dignity and strength and that I did all that I could.
Ur,

This is exactly what I need to do for myself. I especially want to see myself maintain my dignity. I never want to be that girl who begged him to put our lives back together.

I want to be the woman who has the strength to do it herself.

You right, I am still soo hurt by this, I amaze myself just how much it has touched me. Even after all this time the hurt is so fresh in me still. That is something I need to look at about myself. He can't take it away for me, and I think I wanted nothing more than for him to do just that.

I have read and continue to read so many threads on this site, tho I have very little to offer, I can relate to so many stories.

I need a new story...I need to make my new chapter or I will not come out of this myself. I will be like my H, and all consumed for life by the pain and disappointment.

The change has to come from me! Just writing this is so hard. But, maybe that's good because I am not like my H, his MLC is threatening his life, and he is stuck.

I need to learn compassion for him as well, let go of the resentment. Soo much pain and resentment, for someone I loved wholeheartedly.

That's what's killing me. Hating him! Resenting him! Plotting his departure from my life...I just got that!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
There you do, Dawn.

You will get there.

You know, my xh has done some horrific things. And yet I still want so much for him to find happiness and for him to be ok.

I let it all go because it was holding me back, holding me down.

He was someone I loved my whole life, the father of my only child. So, how could I not want him to be whole?

Once you decide to let go of the hurt, a whole new chapter opens up.

Before you can do that, you have to figure out why it went so deep and how holding onto it served you.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
UR,

With your words in my head, I was able to get thru a bad night last night. I did cry, I masked it in physical pain I'm having with my tooth, but H knows.

If my world could be healed with his good intentions, I would be living heaven on earth. He is showing his care, and disappointment in his actions.

But, none of that helps me to much. It's nailing jello to the wall. He is not that guy right now, maybe never will be again.

Working on that hurt. She's is a big mountain to conquer.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey dawn-

will write later fromupstaisrs. just lost another response to yhou- this laptop is killin me- i'll just read awhile more with coffee then go reply.

hang on- i feel sooooooo mch like you. don't want to embrace or accept the hate. it's there- i'm sick of it.

i don't want to be m mopther- i don't know how to fix this mess- there's got to be an snwer somewhere. the having patience thing seems to be something-

him being with her- me knowing- it's the killer. idk how long i can manage - i'm getting excellent at one day at a time- it's just feeling like i'm wasting my own life l& love.

tho- not doing anhytikng more fancy with hit- but the knowing in the bafk of myh mind- it prevents me from being more definitive alot of time.

oh well huh? same old junk - two years later and we're hurt as hell still, in pain, continuing to make do- buty not happy abouty it. ourt "portion" of pain in life??? idk- aren't we both one little bit improved aND PHILOSOPHICl in life or something????

we truly can't be as raw and f'd up as we were two years ago- can we???

idk

xxoo hang on man- there's something out there forus- some answer some how- it'll appear i think - one way or the other. can't firm that up- i don't know what it is- but i feel sure it's there, somewhere, if we could just catch it...

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
You know, Dawn, I was thinking of you today. I see you looking inside and trying to figure things out.

I never want you to think that your shouldnt be deeply hurt. This is soul crushing stuff.

But if you believe that your h is in crisis, then you need to try to understand how difficult this is for him, too.

Depression feels like you are drowning. If feels like you are trying to climb a mountain slicked with oil. You try to get through each day, sometimes each hour, each minute.

The only way for him to get through this is to do the work.

And that is the only way for you to, also.

Decide that you are going to release the hurt. Visually throw it away. Decide that you are bigger than the hurt.

When you continue to hold onto it, you give it power. And then it grows and grows.

All this is going to happen anyway. And holding onto all that isnt going to change that. But it can change you.

Take back your power, Dawn. Let it go and start your life.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Journaling:

My H, (that just doesn't even sound right) said he turns towards EA's in rebellion. He doesn't want anything to do with her, she is an avenue. HE would never live with her for many reasons one being he doesn't like her that way, but also because then he wouldn't have anywhere to turn to satisfy his rebelliousness.

He said if he helped her and moved in because we S, than he would come here and I would become the OW, that pisses her off. Hence, still getting out his rebellion. I didn't know what to say...sure give her a taste of her own sh!t, no I said...you leave you don't come back. You find yourself thinking clearer, maybe grown up, give me a call and I will decide if I want to talk to you. Was that OK?

He doesn't want to leave, but he knows I don't want him here. He said I can't be mean to him like her because I don't mean it, I can call him an assho!e all I want, coming from me it's not that damning because he deserves it.

This came about because my S22 started talking to him about doing things around the house and getting off his butt. H said he doesn't have what it takes for this family, we're better than him that's why he hangs with EA because she's worse than him. My son said he's damaged.

This is MLC spew but it seems to be also who he is now. Stuck in the spew and living like a functioning addict. It's kinda funny because all the yrs of complaining about our home he defended it saying, "this is my home".

I want to prepare for S. He may never leave but that doesn't mean I can't live a separate life, once I can get my mind off of what he's doing. Really, he needs me more than I need him. We are already untwined, but my mind still goes in his business, which never does me any good. I don't want to care anymore, but it's hard when he doesn't come home, I have a case of TMI and it drives me nuts.

I am looking for peace, and it's hard to maintain when you live with a tornado!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
I just heard this on the radio: 95 percent of M people fantasize about having sex with other people, but there is no correlation between fantasizing and having an affair.

I know my H lives in a fantasy world. I know for a fact he had a brief A with EA 3 yrs ago, why did he stop, and go back to the fantasy world? I wonder why he doesnt continue a PA with her.

He once said he didn't like being a hypocrite, but he also says, he doesn't like her that way, and vise vera, but he has made some flirty jokes to her, that she squashes.

He was out the door almost 2.5 yrs ago. Declaring his love for her, admiration, and need to be with,why didn't he go? Why did he stop the A, and stay with me only to become her BFF.

He says I stopped him by crying and fighting him, pre db. What does that really mean, I didn't have a gun to his head, he's a big boy, he could have over powered me.

Even when the tears stopped and I was ok with him leaving, almost a year now, he's here. Taking care of me and the kids and hanging on to his EA. Cake eating?

Does a sitch like this ever come in favor of the LBS? Why would a man make a change when he's "getting away with it" and it's this easy?

This is my confusion, I just thought I would put it out there into cyber land.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Dawn,
Why would he change? He's got the best of both worlds...the ow and you, the family and home. As long as he is living under your roof he has an excuse if the ow begins to pressure him about marrying her.

The only way that cake eating can stop is to take the cake, plate and utensils away from the one trying to eat it. You have to decide what is important to you. Right now, I firmly believe this man is disrespecting you and your family, as well as the marriage...but that is my personal opinion.

Dawn, you are the only one who can determine when to get off the carousel and stop making such delicious cakes for him.

I do hope that you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving. It's the grandbabies first Turkey Day! Take loads of photos.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Thanks job,

I welcome your personal opinion, I appreciate hearing the truth.

She doesn't pressure him into anything. They both like that he's unavailable so there is no pressure on them to go into a R which would kill the friendship. They also like that they don't have to commit and they keep their lives separate. He said if he wasn't leaving me to go there it wouldn't be a rebellious act.

And, yes he does like my home and all its comforts, as well as me, as long as it's on his term, like don't talk to me about her.

I am long ready and willing to take the next step. I don't fear anything coming my way. I just can't figure out what that looks like yet.

I want to find the answer. I want to make a move. Maybe I'm just to nice and need to man up. Woah, I sound like Nero.

Happy Thanksgiving to all Dber's and may your day be met with peace in your hears.

oooxxx dm


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Good Fri. Still so many questions.

Wed night H drove home about Mid, 5hrs late, and sat in the car. This is his way of excepting that he was wrong.

I saw him out there as I went to greet my future DIL and he opened the car door. I said, nice that you went to EA's, and nice that you are out here, stay out here. He did...until 6am.

He came in the house, made hot coffee and proceed to clean the kitchen from the last nights baking.

We had a brief convo where he said, he drove EA to her dad's for an hour, than drove her to the bar, where he sat outside in the car so she could have a ride home. He's done this before. She was soo drunk by the end she reamed him for being a stupid simple man who doesn't come in and drink. She does that often.

He feels he has to help tho. He began to say he doesn't want to have a life with her, just be there at times for her. Of course I pulled out my no, and then we will be done.

My question is this. He fought to stay in our home, saying I don't want to leave, I know you have every right to make me, but this is my home and my family.

Is there some good to having him say this? He is actually defending his home and family. Does this help in any way for a WAS to "see" and quietly contemplate?

Not that I was pressing him, or pushing him out the door, it was a mutual convo.

Their always pushing for their freedom, space, OP, is this a good push on their part.

BTW. He spoke of a future with us getting a bigger house and renting this one, and so on, as I looked on bewildered that he doesn't get it, he will loose me if we continue status quo.

H did not join us at the table Thur. after helping as sous chef and domestic, by his choice in silence. As he escaped into my room he waved gently good-by while closing the door, when I got to the door he said he does not feel righteous enough to sit at our table. He needs to lay and be within himself, if he even has himself.

A few hours later I brought the grandson in for H to see and he was attentive to him. Babies bring that out.

We had a nice family dinner and game night while H listened on in the next room.

I still can't understand if there is a future here. I know all the right advice, GAL, go ahead with myself, but he's here, it's not easy to ignore, and I am not fully detached from someone I am M too and living with.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi Dawn,

Originally Posted By: albamarie

I still can't understand if there is a future here. I know all the right advice, GAL, go ahead with myself, but he's here, it's not easy to ignore, and I am not fully detached from someone I am M too and living with.


How can you be? Not possible, I say.

I'm impressed you've stood as long as you have. That's some love there. Maybe a lesson for some of us.

The question in my mind is how badly do you want to save this M, and how long can you do the status quo without losing yourself?

Sometimes it seems to me the cost of waiting some of these MLC'ers out can simply be too high. Plenty of the vets here have themselves pulled the plug on their M's. We should never be willing to give up ourselves and who we are to save a M. That just won't work long term.

The pain of staying vs pain of ending it. Tough stuff, I know! I wish there was a definitive answer for all of us.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Quote:
Sometimes it seems to me the cost of waiting some of these MLC'ers out can simply be too high. Plenty of the vets here have themselves pulled the plug on their M's. We should never be willing to give up ourselves and who we are to save a M. That just won't work long term.
Kind of a catch-22 isn't it? I mean, if you pull the plug, are you being you? If you keep it like it is, are you being you? Either way, I'd say no, you are not. smile

He is obviously thinking about some things. He's in that "I'm not worthy because of what I've done" sort of mindset. And yet, he's trying to dig himself out of it as well, thinking about the future.

While I'd say wait, I'm not suggesting the status quo is going to work either. I think you are doing fine with the boundaries - you told him he can't have both. And you mean it from what I can tell.

What's your play? I'd say keep going the way you are. GAL, live your life, keep your boundaries and defend them (be prepared to only pick the ones you're willing to die on the hill for of course) and keep patient. He's baking, but he's not done, is he?

You won't let it get to the point of going farther than you're able to go. Willing perhaps, but able won't happen. You won't let it. smile


Hang in there.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

glad your thanksgiving was full of people and kidn of "okay".

you know- listening to you- here's a thought. you've had the "decision making " taken out of your hands. if your h will not leave - and it just can't be DONE at the moment- perhaps (this is only me thinking about how " the universe" "god" for want of better names for it- guide your life. it floats around in my head becasue the things that happened to MAKE ME find out about h and his cheating &lying truly CAME OUT OF TEH BLUE. in a seemingly impossible way- yet there they were - in my face at an oddly appropriate time & way- FORCING ME TO know -

THERE WAS no good reason or EVEN A logical way it happened- i swear- it was some wierd "other thing" making it happen.

i know i sound nutty- but bear with me. your h sounds like he is soooo guilt-ridden he's taken it upon himself to punish himesle- (self awreness at lest?) i'd think it was a miracle if i saw h admitting he was "in the wrong" "hurting others - me" " punishing self" "admitting he wanted to be there- part of the family- seeing a future"

i'm just sayin - it's someting - seems like quite alot to me- his communications about this. I GET how much it hurts - believe me- i feel it too- HOWEVER - AT LEAST you 're getting the benefit of his thoughts and admissions and know he realizes (at least in part if n ot in whole) what the heck he's doing to you, him, family, etc. that alone seems huge to me-

MAYBE - JUST MAYBE - THIS IS the decision being taken out of your hands for a bit - for the present time. - why not step back if possible and just decide not to decide - decide not to act or think about it- just let your brain rest a bit and get doing things outside the house - where you are sooooo occupied you cannot have time to think. i know i hammer away - but this is somet hing that is key to me being able to get un-immersed in this sooooo much. it does help me alot -

my h isn't here allll the time- true- but i do know and it does hurt every time i know he's with ow. it's a gut -ripper for us all i'm sure. if you'e being forced by circumstances to endure living together anyway- somehow let yourself off the hook for makign alot of things happen now - that are not happening, and practically speaking - not a good idea to force to the point of poverty and homelessness for either of you- SOOOO- i'm gtting lost, but get what i'n thinking here?

maybe forces beyond your control are working here- maybe your h STAYING there, in the house, in your face, in your life is him battling? self if nothing else??? i don't pretend to know what the heck is going on with him and God and good and evil and ow and alllll that crappola. it's tormented and wcky- but there you have it- mlc insanity. maybe - JUST MAYBE- IT'S TRUE. it's mental illness (hopefully not forever)

why your h needs to be punished? idk- why do i ssem to gravitate to the strength of characterof th ese stinkin scorpios? they're bossy and self-involved and tooooo much in general for me, mere aquarian, to engage with. fight with-

YET- MY LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY FULL OF THEM. and this is waaaay before i ever even knew what the heck sign they were. i didn't even believe it it- all this "sign" stuff- astrology- it's just that over the years it's become apparent that my life is loaded with this particular character. maybe i pick my mother- you read that alllll the time. maybe you picked him because there's something about HIM being what he is- that is what makes you be what you are- or you "need" or I "need" on some le3vel - and all this $hit is the price we pay.

idk- i'd say tho- your sitch- it's seeming impossible to changhe rite now- so why not just take a nap- tell your own brain this is just "how it is" rite now- stop "trying & stop fighting it - and just get your brain busy with something else?

i hate this advice- it's very good advice for me- if i could follow myu own advice all the time i'd probable be a better happier person- i try tho. i find allowing myself not to "be in charge" of this all- and "not HAVE TO make a big- right- life altering decision RITE NOW" AND ALL THAT OTHER JUNK ONE FEELS PRESSURED TO DO WHEN YOUr life is in the toilet- and you feel allllllllllllll like you have to be responsible and find the cure and save yourslef immediately-

maybe like a disease- we can't. we have to try and be gracious under fire- ENDURE - AND WAIT and see?


am i just lazy? (iknow i am) or feeling powerless (we all are- sometimes are not- but largely in life are) or what? idk-

dawn- give dawn a break- just decide to stop fightint it all for a bit- or figuring it out- that's the woarst part-killing yourself "figuring it out and figureint it out" we'll go bald if we continue.

take charge of your brain and tell it to be quiet and relaz and "nothing bad is happening rite this minute" -

xxoo - sorry t5o be a bossy old cow - i'm trying to do the same - it's harder sometimes than ot hers- but it seems to be helping. iprobablyputi t poorly- but you get my jist-

since he & "it" seems to be out of your hands at the moenht- just let it be...... and shoot for being more accepting rather than either mad or sad or guilty about not fixint it rite away....

io know- more crappola advice from some goober out here- ta; da.

thank you and drive thru please.

xxoo hope your day is okay -

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
heeeey dawn-

where the heck are ya ? and hope everything is oky dokey in dawnland. just checkin in-

have a wonderful day- let us know what you'e up to. you are sounding mighty like a woman on some threshold-

good luck and hope your day is ok

xxoo

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
I've been letting it all go.

It keeps holding on.

I open my eyes each day and except it for what it looks like....

good H days are met with good reinforcement

bad H days are met with detachment and loving acts from behind the scene

I put myself first, I make my plans, and spend my time as I wish, without expectation.

Then when I'm so removed from MLC, because I'm just living life without my radar on, blam, it won't let me go, it shoves itself right under my nose. I try with all my might to put on the restraints, but it gets clearer and clearer and I see what the future holds.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi- happy new year. gonna go drown my sorrows with a couple friends- kll the evening. woo hoo huh?

another year- can ya die??? glad to see end of 2013 - what a stinker.

hope 2014 is lots better. have a great nite & year

xxo

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Tonight I can hear my future DIL say my H has made her nervous. He went from 2 yrs of virtual silence, to playing a 3 hour family game with them talking up a storm. I can't even begin to understand what stage this is or what this means in the MLC journey. Today's game instructions came with his hand on my lap, compliments on my intelligence, and offer of food at my command. Yet he is still clearly struggling with MLC, I think he is trying to avoid it thru keeping busy, and making contact with us.

I think my biggest fear is me getting over this and moving on, and him finally coming to terms with life about a day late. Why fear, because it would just be so sad to then leave him behind, and I will at that point.

I would never let that hold me back or slow my progress, it just something I think about. I would basically be taking the whole family with me. It's sad to see how a person can take themselves out of an equation to the point of no return.

I don't know what to do with his friendliness, it's been a while now, but it's not a reconciliation, it's just being comfortable. I feel as if I'm nice,he thinks he's in, feels secure. It's a slippery road.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
I would like to add H is noticing how much he has hurt us and has made reference. When he speaks about it in detail, it can be under different personalities. In anger he justifies his doins, in depression he digs deep, then there's arrogance where he doesn't care, then there just seems to be this even person emerge and he's humbled.

None of this has made a dent in my R with him. My ideas of change are so much more than he can live up to, and I'm not asking him to.

I feel like kind of an a$$ faking the laughter, or giving him that sense of security, but I would like him to be healthy, no matter how things work out. I believe I play some roll in that, he seems to really reach out.

Going on 2.6 yrs has really tought me alot of my own issues and set me straight to those of my M.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

you sound pretty at ease tonite. glad for you.

Quote:
I think my biggest fear is me getting over this and moving on, and him finally coming to terms with life about a day late. Why fear, because it would just be so sad to then leave him behind, and I will at that point.


oh man- exactly what i find myself thinking. (lucky you-ijust deleted the long long version of reply- i've probably said it all a million times.

it is a sad thing to contemplate - that if we are the sort of women that only "let go" totally when we're soooo ready to leave there is no "goin back" (probably me - i admit) If they only wise up when we're gone- but by then, we could never give them a second look.

it's pitiful-people- life- etc. i always think this is probably how tons and tons of people live and have lived since time began- with all this pain and unfairness and uncertainty. just bumble along- lives broken &messed around allllll the time. how wonderful and horrible - love.

how in the world i ever thought we would always be together and that no matter what happened- we'd manage to come thru it because we cared about each other soooo much. i was truly living life in some wonderland of my own creation.

okay- i gotta go take a snow picture - i'm depressing self- and i even had some sleep so am not total misery girl.

gotta snap out of it today- have some (a little bit) of detachment- i'm not by any means totally "cured" of noticing what in the world is happening with h in mh life- geee couldja guess that?

oh well- this is a mighty talllllll mountain my particular "journey" is taken me on. i'm obviously going "the long way" . not a stinkin short cut in sight.

i just cannot "use" some kind of revenge man or boink here. the tought grosses me out- just seems with allll the problems of my mom & family - i have not got the stamina and "juice" to handle two giant giant life problems (willingly) at this one time. this sitch with h may stink (alot) but it's still better (?) than nothing and no one in my life. pitiful but true - oh well. i guess my self-worth can stand me takin a hard look at self- i never said i didn't have alot of "junk" here i drag along with me. i guess i'll "get there" in the end- wherever there is?!!

Sometimes i want to envy people who are totally self-serving and be like that- i can't bring myself to do it- it must be nice (maybe). idk- maybe they feel "free" and unfettered. idk- oh well- i guess i'm just a run of the mill, decent human being shackled with all the same "trouble" as everyone else - huh???

i'm outta here - have a great day. still awaiting "wisdom" or something. xxo

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
just bumble along?? why does there have to be drama? I was ok to just have ordinary simple life. the golden rule thing. I didn't think I was missing out on anything.
h was not on same page....

sorry is that just the way it is now? do we tell young people today getting married... don't worry if you don't like your spouse in 20 years go ahead and change for a different version?

just thinking...


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
hi dawn, sorry I jumped in. just went back and read from beginning. I do this. I am at the 2 year presently holding mark too


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi Willbwell,

Pop in all you want. I like to hear from those who are in my simular sitch. I know is all my choice and up to me to make the difference, it's nice tho to hear how others are doing just that.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

yup and nope.

yup - i'm all for lack of drama - golden rule- simple and "true" values - i say this is what life is allllll about.

nope- we don't tell them to just switch w hen the goin gets tough. i'm not sure really about whether people really do change soooooo drastically (as in jeckle & hyde) . i know life changes us all- does it make a "good" person rotten? i'd have thought not.

can a decent person be allll caught up in crummie stuff and act like a jerk? apparently yes. that i will concede.

does it mean he is a jerk for eternity? idk - honestly. i hope not- i'm not holdin my breath tho.


i don't like the idea of a world with no love, no til death do us part- no honesty, trust, loyalty, devotion, etc.

it's "nice" to have any of above & believe in them - practice them. (or all- even better)

im not sure what we do with this ideal-

i guess live honestly as who we are? even if it's archiac and laughable to young people or most people?

be me - be you - the he!l with anyhone else's opinion of what it makes us?

maybe i'll feel differently in five years. maybe not-

a good friend called this a.m. early to chat because she was upset and just advised that the woman she works closely with for past five years - teacher in same room - has been diagnosed with bone cancer- it's very bad & she's very young. it's soo unfair, rotten, impossible to believe.... etc.

makes me glad for the simple fact of being alive & well. it's not a fair life- mine has been good for f60 yrs before i found out i'm possibly a giant jerk. i guess i can be okay with that- if that's what it turns out to be in the end. me being a huge fool - but feeling fortunate for so long.

what h is? idk i find it hard as heck to over look allllllll that good and soooooo many years of being sure he wsa such a good person. i hope i'm not wrong (totally) . i'm sure i'll know someday.

not today tho-

oh well- it's cold as heck outside. froze myh buns off clearing off car- neighbor shoveled my walk- human kindness - still alive & well - yay.
&
instead of "doing what i should" i moseyed down to my sister's house- ate some home made rolled cabbage & sat in sunny kitchen with my butt near the radiator , had a cup of coffee and chatted. verypleasant little visit. we mulled over the insanity of my nazi sister & her h who were going nuts on the phone this morning- and i hung up the phone. first time in my entire life i've everhung up on anyone.

she was whipping herself into a martyr frenzy and honestly, i wasn't even being bad - just asked her a question about something only she knew and i needed to. i think her strategy is to go straight into a very vicious attack and bully/scare away anyone she doesn't want to deal with. I wonder about her marbles- if they're all present and acccounted for. could hear her h screaming from seat in car next to her" get off the phone - don't talk to her". not too tightly wrapped - the pair of them.

i do not need the aggro of dealing with a couple junk yard dogs. man-

i'm outta here. snow is pretty- i'm calm - i just do not care today . i don't want to any more.

xxoo

life really is short - isn't it???

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
So, on my quest to live life for me and my family, not concerning, myself with my MLCer, I am off to warm claimant. Two weeks+ starting Jan 17th. My adult kids can fend for themselves and my H can do what he does. He doesn't deserve me anymore!

He has been what I call "MLC" nice. We laugh, cook for each other, even flirt and sometimes ML, but it's not L, it's familiar. Its been a while like this with no further improvements. He is passing his time of me caring about a future with him.

I was hoping, but not expecting, the start of the reconciliation part of this, but he is who he is now, and I am not going to allow myself to be a part of that person.

I believe he is unhappy with himself, but has come to some sort of peace with himself as well. He still maintains his EA friendship and has made no attempt to be anything other than what he chooses to be.

I am very content with myself at this point and am ready to go about my days without worrying about how it will affect him, or any repercussions of my actions. I am finally content being me, untethered from him.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,970
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,970
I think this is a great idea Dawn. It will be good for you to rest and heal, away from H, without having him and his EA in your face all the time. My H is MLC-nice these days too, but I think the reason is he sees his dream coming true finally. You sound good and detached - I think that is what The Process does for us, gets us strong and content. Gets us liking us, and for me that is a foreign idea! You will be fine with what ever you decide to do smile


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
Hey D, you are sounding good. A little tired, though. But thats to be expected when you are working so hard.

I love that you are going away for some D time. Good for you.

You are entering acceptance. Good for you, again.

I am glad that you are feeling good about yourself.

He is liking the 'no rocking the boat' feel, so MLC nice is what you get.

There will come a time when the status quo is no longer working for you. When you need to walk a little further for you. What that means, only you will know, my friend.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 2,695
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 2,695
Hmmmm...it really seems the new year ushered in a lot of introspection and movement.

I know in my sitch I said I was not happy with what it looked like. So we will see if his money is where his mouth is, concerning how we go forward.

MLC nice? Yup....let's see, you have no rocking of the proverbial boat and you get to be single when it suits you and in a relationship when it suits you....hmmmm lol.

Enjoy the trip Dawn. You deserve every second smile

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey yay dawn-

you sound moi cool and calm , so happy for you. the time away will feell mighty nice i'm sure. idk- nothing to say much here (miracle - huh?>) have a wonderful day

i'm jealous of your peace of mind - but taking heart that it is doable nd maybe will happen to me one of these years.

had (have) a bit of a health scare thing going on with mom this morning. I am - watching sitch- fingers crossed. had a bad feeling about some pain she was having - will check back in later on her.

hate when that adrenalin gets rushing around- then wait- then maybe - then then then, eeeek. hoping it's "nothing much" but then , if there's nothing going on, why is there any pain of any sort there??/ this being a dr sure wigs me out - with her memory ssitch it's very hard to get the "history" - hoping i do the right thing-
so far have not had to rush to a dr office or hospital today. -

xxo

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Thanks everyone! UR, you can always read when I'm tired. I am!

I get the "not rocking the boat" felling that he is enjoying, but I don't know any other way to do it. I want to live in peace, he has no complaints about me so we are "nice". It does really sux tho.

I feel like he's just a guy. No investment, and there really is no reason to care about him.

I was watching a movie (i think about early midlife issue) and the women said we bought into the dream and it doesn't exist.

Well for me it does and I am going to surround myself with like people who fully agree. I am becoming anxious for change.

Your right KP, there is a lot of movement this new year. Sadly, I hear there are a lot of newcomers....it seems like forever ago.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi dawn.

you're sounding soooooo detachd and "gettin on with it" in life- yay you. i'm floating along here- maybe i'm all philosophical and more detached. idk- i am not a person to have different "compartments" in my life. i am a "tweed" person- it's alllll mushed up together. just putzing along having my usual dificulty drawing a line under one life and between another-

i'm in my usual wierd place- not miserable- not ecstatic- in the middle somewhere , so i'll take it i guess. i'm leaning more towards old happy self i guess. happy in sense of on an even keel- always mindful that i could all go wrong tomorrow- and that i should probably be alot more worreid- but no juice to do so.

i am amazed at my tiredness and inability to even WORRY, with a capital W. (like olden days).

this business of knowing people could live or die in the blink of an eye- its really in forefront of my mind last year or so-

my mom- who knows wtf to even think about that all??? health wise- mind-wise - it's sad to see and second-guess. alot like h & r - sad and wierd and who knows???

i'm overwhelmed with the "can't-possibly-know" edness in life. and about the most important things. wtf???

anyway- it's sure been a few long long years hasn't it? i'm so glad you're feeling good and in charge of self and heart. i am hopeful of getting as "in command" as you of my own self - (who knows, any day now???? hope springs eternal huh?)

okay- many important things to accomplish today

xxp

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
You sound better Nero, you are working you way thru. Be good to yourself.

It seems easier everyday to be detached, I'm finding myself not wanting to be attached at all. Last night H late after work H made a moment about life and without thinking I said, go to someone else with that, don't alk to me.

I was shocked and my stern insistence and so was he. He STFU and slept very still. The very beginning of anything out of his mouth that sounds like MLC rant sends my mind into instant rejection of him as my H for sure, and even as someone I want to know.

I know now that I saw the changes in him and they were coming between us. I know now that I fell into a tailspin on BD when in reality I too was already feeling love loss. For some strange reason his A sent me into fight mode, fight for my H, a H I had left for a month and was not feel love for.

The only reason I can think of is because he gave up....he closed a door on us without trying, he didn't fight for me.

That's soo hard to forgive. Along with the longevity of MLC, it seems there is no going back.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
I was just going over my last post and am so happy to be sticking to my words. I am doing well, and understand this is my time to make the best out of my life, for my future.

I did have my moment of, well lets say, going back to point A and having the very long talk about our M and R. It was to some degree helpful, I heard some "I'm sorry's" I did get some validation, and lots of forgetfulness on his part. There was a point where he said, "why would I say those things to you"?

After that day I vowed no more. We had a very intense day of going over the last 3 yrs and we both ended it in tears. H said he loved me, he wanted to be better, and is still stuck. I left him to his demonds and allowed some closure for myself.

I can't say what became of H inside himself from our talk, I do see some things but really don't engage. He's still home, cell phone on the table, full disclosure when he comes home late from work, bank account back in order. All of that is good for him, I only wish him good health.

Today I am happy to have made new friends, try new things, and open up to some friends I have left behind. THis has been a full year so far, full of happy times, some forgiving times for family members especially, and for new adventures. Every step forward I make is for me and my family. H is sitting back as a spectator, that's ok, I'm going to keep moving forward.

grin DM


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am very happy to come here today and see that you have posted. You sound so much better, i.e., stronger and happier. Continue has you have been.

Don't be a stranger, come back more often and let us know how you and the family are doing.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
albmarie

Quote:
I am doing well, and understand this is my time to make the best out of my life, for my future.



Sounds like you are in a good place.

"It my time to make the best out of my life"

This ^^^^ is a GREAT frame of mind.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Thanks!

I have finally learned how to be roommates with my H. I think that was truly the hardest thing for me to do. You can't care about where they go, what they do, or whether they come back to the house on time. I call it, removing ones head from spouse rear end.

I took myself on vacation for 16 days and made sure to be very present. I woke up to the warm sun in January appreciating my life again. I returned with some great tools and confidence.

My kids have all been moving forward, my middle son in officers training, and me taking classes again at the Jr college. I have some great support around me! Funny how you can't see that when your so involved in letting his MLC take you down.

I have some hard work ahead, but I approach life now with DB tools and they are pretty handy in other aspects of my life as well. I DBed my own parents, we finally have a R with solid footing. A R with my parents finally is like a new start toward my new life. It began with them after all.

His crisis has made me go thru my own journey, thankfully I am of health mind and able to come out on top. He's now witness to my progress and he's at my door peeking in, smiling at my ability to be happy again, understanding it's not about him. He's free! He doesn't know how to feel about that!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am very happy to come here and read that you took a vacation and have gone back to school. Your family should be very proud of you. MLC is not for the faint of heart, but you've managed to climb the hill and are now seeing what the horizon holds for you.

I am very proud of you. You and your family have grown so much over the last year and look at what all of you have accomplished. Go, girl!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi Dawn! Your latest post makes me so happy for you. So many great things going on in your life and all because YOU made it happen!

Roommates you say? Hey, I know about that! Hahaha.

I can't wait to hear more about your vacation. Bust On!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Good morning DBers,

Today I am waking to a good morning. I have been working on being just as happy and productive when my H is here, and not only when he's gone and I'm jumping for joy that he left. I had a very productive week, with family and friends, in home and out of my home as well, all the while H was planted firmly deep rooted right in the middle.

It took me a long time to get past that and move on knowing he is here, not participating, and sulking. I put it on myself to learn how to dismiss myself from what he is doing and not doing and to be who I am regardless of his proximity or black cloud he may be sitting under.

Everyday I have been either with attitude or actually changing something in my life that will put me in the direction of another step forward. Over the weekend I traded in what I called "his MLC car" that he picked for me out of guilt. It was a beauty, but I am much happier in my new affordable car that is in my name and I am able to handle the responsibility on my own.

My long term goal is still to move out west. So far I seem to have most of my kids on board and agreeing we will all make a better life for ourselves together. I'm feeling a little anxious about the whole thing, like I want to do this today, but I am approaching each change I need to make with caution and good thought. It sure beats the anxiety I was feeling during DBing.

H seems to be living in a little bubble he's created filled with the safety and care of his family around him content in his acceptance. He took a different route to the acceptance phase, not what we read of coming out of the tunnel and learning how to be a functioning human being in life, but that life sux's and there's nothing he can do so he's been defeated, he accepts defeat. I don't say "I'm done" anymore, he's a human being, he's never really going to be completely nobody to us, I am not willing to wash away the last 25 yrs, they happened, I was there, it was my life too.

I start classes May 19th with hopes to fill my journey and my dreams with the reality of independence and live life my way for a change. I accept nothing less than every possibility open to me at every turn until the day I am no longer here on this earth.

If someone reads this who may be "stuck" maybe with their spouse, or just within themselves, I've been there...boy was I there, it gets better! It's with in you!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I'm very happy to read your posting this morning. You struggled for a long time and now, you've rediscovered yourself and your world. This a huge step for you and guess what? You made it to the top of the mountain and can see the world with a clearer view.

I like the idea that you traded in the car and got what you wanted...that's a change and one I'm sure you are happy with. You mentioned moving out west...any particular state? Moves tend to bring out the anxiety and stress because it's a total change of environment and friends and family, but I do think that if your family is for going, then by all means start planning this move. Nothing says it has to be done today, tomorrow or even in 6 months, but planning the move can be tweaked along the way and until you are ready to pack and go.

What classes are you taking? What do you want to do in the way of a career or even a hobby?

You have come a long way and I'm so proud of you. I hope others who are "stuck" will come along and read your postings. You are an inspiration! Keep up the good work and do come back and post again real soon. We miss you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hello albamarie,
I'm fairly new here and just went and read your thread. I too am living with my MLC spouse (wife)and I can really relate to how hard it is to be just roommates! That is so very hard. Seems like there is always something happening with my W that she "needs" my help with, latest being her grandmother losing her mind and moving into a nursing home. She is my family as well and when I see my W in tears trying to explain that her GM's husband who has been dead for 30 years didn't leave her yesterday and isn't coming to get her, I can't do anything but give her all the support I can. Then, later the same day I have to hear how she plans on leaving, saying "we all hurt our kids, they'll get over it", blaming me for all her pain and hurt, it's all very hard.

I too see how before B-day, my love had waned, my W had pulled away, I just NEVER thought I'd ever hear the words "I want a D, and I don't want to even try". It came as such a shock, this person who didn't "believe" in D, always said we'd be together forever, could change so much so fast! I did all the wrong things, begged, reasoned, etc. at first. Later, I too told her at one point that she wants out, she can go and I too heard "I'm not leaving my family", now all I hear is that "soon" she will leave us to "find her joy". In my case I have a father in law who is pushing her to go and every time she starts to stick her head out a bit, he gets involved and she goes right back in her shell.

I'm 11 months past B-day. Things have gotten better at times only to go back to bad. I am trying to get to where you are, to work on me and live my life as a roommate, having 2 kids (14 and 18, girls) still in school and at home makes things a bit harder but I need to get there. I guess one good thing is as far as I know there is no OP (other than her father)involved as of yet but she is ringless and acting single so probably just a matter of time.

I want you to know I have great respect for you and how far you've come. My W can be so "nice" at times and I know what you mean by "MLC nice" only too well! We do talk (not about R), laugh at times, although she sleeps on couch and we don't ML, there are times when she will accept a "loving" touch. I think there are times she would want to but won't allow herself to get that close, almost afraid that may make her less sure about needing out of her M.

It helps to know I'm not alone in this. So few on here still live with MLC S. Seeing that you have many of the same thoughts and problems helps and it helps to see how far you've come. Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

you sound great and i'm so happy to have come here and seen your post first thing this morning.

just happy for you across the board- jealous of your plan to move and fact that family is on board. it's allllll good. it sure has been a long long few years - hasn't it?

the family thing- getting it a bit straightened out with your parents- it's hard, it's good tho. i sure had a tortured r with my mom last few years- my traumas - her traumas - we bumbled thru tho, i always "went back" - and now that she's died- i'm glad i did. it's hard to grow old in america- our entire society marginalizes you- even your own kids. i'll spare you that rant- ( i just typed you a different post- but lost it all- luckyou - God was kind)

anyway- it's a major "thing" in life- the whole parent r- hard sometimes. but just one more thing that is part of our whole life- and we gotta somehow deal wityh it in the end (or before the end).

that unfinished business stuff will kill ya-

anyway- i'm still just putzing along here- FEELING MIGHTY UPLIFTED by your post- believing you when you say the time will come when i'll feel like that too- actually on a road somewhere.

i do feel that i "did my job" and it was a big one- just stayin alive thru my own "junk" these past couple years &dbing - and simultaneously my mom's health/age/memory problems. it's been a long long demanding few years.

i feel just empty now and glad to be alive and healthy- (aside from being sick as a dog last two weeks- I am by no means "unstuck" but i think i feel like you- that whatever went on with h in his feelings and life - he just chucked me out the window in favor of ow and a quick fix - he never "fought for" us either. too bad for him- i think it will be the biggest mistake in his life. . i just was soooo crazy in love with (who i thought he was) that i never ever thought one bad thing botu him- could put good spin on anything & everything.

don't know what to think about that- other than it's pretty dead in me now. too bad- it was maybe a giant luxury i allowed myself- total love. maybe it doesn't exist and i was nuts- don't even care now and can't criticise myself about it even.

now- onward and upward to WHAT??? IDK- STILL feel too tired and DONE to have a focus of any sort. looking at this house- i've let everything in the world in life "go" 0- never appreciated how very immersed and obcessed i was with my mom & her health/life, etc.

oh well- that's over now and myu house is like an old lady house- dusty & slightly "yellowed" - oh geeez, that sounds icky- i spring cleaned with a vengence yesterday- have quite a way to go- but some big enthusiasm going on so i'm taking advantage. i haven't feelt energetic and enthisiastic in sooooolong about anything in the universe.

thjat's such an icky thing to say- it's true tho.

your h being around the house- you being kind of at peace with him- reading with interest. the long convo you guys had and your feeling that it didn't really accomplish much. i feel this stuff too- i feel that h & i haven't really "spoken" in sooo long- the little disconnect that is such a huge disconnect.

he was here all thru mom's last month or so- it was a v. bad & hard thing, watching some die like that , i was glad for the company. he's gone now- sos - and honestly- this isn't the life for me. i need someone to give a darn if i come home at nite- i need someone to just share life with-

too bad one cannot snap fingers and make it happen right now- just have to have patience and trust God to show me the way? life sure is unknowable. i'm glad to be alive tho. i can't even feel impatience- i just feel like i need to keep rolling along- without direction even- just grateful to be alive...

i'm glad to feel interested in cleaning todayu- yay huh? what a remarkablely dopey little thing to feel grateful for. nevertheless- i am. just being interested in vacuming - i'll take it.

life is very small here - i am very neutral and i'm grateful for that too. i canot even get angry or upset at the moment- too tired for that even.

funny little place to be- ta da... i'm glad it's chillie today- feels good to be inside and "cozy"- need to go finish the edging on little antique chair i upholstered- it's wild and very perky to look at- maybe i'll take a picture and sent it- it's very representative of my mood at present- anything goes-

don't know what- but anything- xxoo gld your happy today

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 712
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 712
Dawn,

It was really nice to come here this morning to catch up and see your post. A few of us "started" together and it is really nice to see where we are all at these days.

You have become such a stong woman. There is lots of life coming from your posts and an acceptance that your H is just not a functioning person right now. I am sorry that he has decided to stay in the tunnel for now. He is missing a great and beautiful transformation.

As Nero said, I guess we never know where we will land in all this!

Take care of yourself and do update us when you feel like chatting.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi everyone,

Things have been amazing for me, and they will only get better. School is very hard and demanding, but I love it, and it will pay off immensely. I am studying to become a Phlebotomist, as a full career.

I do not consider myself Dbing anymore, as I am living my own life, and headed towards a new future. But, with the tools that I have learned here I have found that I am stronger, and able to approach situations with confidence.

I am biding my time, isn't that what they say here, time is on our side? After school and once I am situated I plan on filing for D. Letting go was the best thing I have ever done for myself and my family. I'm back! No more zombie mom, crying and daydreaming. I don't miss her, but I understand she had to go thru that for one reason or another.

Job, I am so thankful to you and all of your kind helpful words. There were days I would hang on your every letter just to feel better for that moment. Your wisdom is priceless and I hope to one day be settled and be able to pay it forward.

I have made some lifelong friends here that are an important part of my life, and always will be. The people and the dedication to the process works, but only if you realize it's about you, and for you. I didn't get that right away. I don't consider myself a slow person, but boy was I angry.

Thanks for stopping by...I hope to keep posting with positive news for the future!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Dawn,
I'm very happy to come here this morning and see that you've posted.

Work hard at those studies because when it's over and done w/you'll have a nice career and one that's always in demand. You've done the work and look at all you've accomplished by working on you and finally letting go!

Time is on your side and when have completed your studies and have gotten situated, you'll be able to file for a D, if that is still what you want. For now, live your life to the fullest and enjoy your family and friends. Life is far too short not to enjoy each day as it comes around.

Dawn, I'm so very proud of you! Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
So happy for you, my friend. We all get to where we need to be in own time and in our own way.

I had no doubt at all you would figure it out, Dawn. Not one.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I know your life will be an amazing one.

You chose you......

The world is waiting......

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
Dawn, thank you for our post. i am one who is stuck...want to be unstuck! D is happening for me presently. I am though much better now than I was when this started 2 years ago. Still trying to figure out me. also taking classes and am thankful for that!


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
dawn - yay, you sound great. i don't get here so much either- maybe i'm not dbing either- just biding my time also.

i wish i'd get a giant notion of "what i want to be when i grow up)" - still awaiting that giant blob of wisdom that's going to plop down on my head.

doing my best to have faith- continue forward & seee what the future holds. i don't think it will be awful- i feel optimistic mostly about future. God knows why- maybe just who i am.

oh well huh? garden is blooming likemad- school hasn't called lately- i don't care too much- doing tons in house & yard & estate junk, etc.

in wierd floatie place- was furiously swirling round making notes other day- totall kind of freak-out- it passed. today i was pleasant& normal mostly.

wierd to be sitting outside of self just watchin. wonder what i'll do next??

xxoo have a great evening

i find i come here to touch base with my buddies - you got me thru for a long time here- it was hair raising, wasn't it?

i never ever go back & read it- too sad & bad. onward and upwardhuh?

Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard