PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[ShabbyPirate]

Hang in there. Thinking of you today.

[Ambivalent]

The quote is from MWD. The color statements are poignant to me today, this hour and minute.

[Ambivalent]

Saw counselor today.

She seems to be a good fit.

I gave her an abridged version of our marriage, the stressors, my hurts and how I hurt him.

Next session we will goal set. She gave me a " Relationship Vision " Sample sheet.

I'm to look at it and check things that I would see as ideal

I' will share with all of you :

We give each other surprises
We have fun regularly
We support each other
We are comfortable alone or together
We take care of our bodies
We are truthful with each other
We are sexually and emotionally faithful

We have a satisfying and beautiful sex life

We touch each other's bodies often

We parent our children well

We express appreciation and praise each other

We have secure and happy children

We share major family decisions

We make each other's deepest needs a priority

We care for our relationship each day

We experience passion with each other

We communicate our feelings openly

We contain each other's anger

We have daily private time

We feel safe with each other

We are financially secure

We exchange ideas and thoughts

We are reliable for each other

We resolve our differences /conflicts quickly and remain close

We support each other's goals

We listen to each other's feelings

I'm going to think these through, I hope this helps others to look positively towards what it is they would like to have in a relationship.

[makingmagic]

SIGN ME UP PLEASE !!!

[Ambivalent]

Making,

I just got back from school and I'm spiraling again. I broke down at school and I sobbed the whole fifty minute drive home.

I am having such a hard time again. I'm very overwhelmed and feel as though I'm sinking.

I have exams coming up , a final project, my husband is starting to pressure me about money.

The holidays are coming up, and last Thursday he told my youngest daughter , he doesn't know if he'll be doing Thanksgiving with us, due to the possibility of it being awkward. This was after we spent the time in the forest, prepping for the hunt. I don't get it...is it because of wanting to be with the "possible" OW?

He told her if he didn't do it, that she HAD to go. This just crushed me and I burst into tears again. I'm in such a depression, that I can't control my mood swings.

I'm now feeling terrified and I cannot stop the thoughts about if there is someone out there with him or whatever.

I need help detaching , I am exhausted and I can't seem to let go.

I tried researching about if I should confront or not . If it was a good idea. I tried reading about OW and if they stay together or how long...

I am so confused, my emotions go one way, and another part of me says " why can't I let go, step back? " This is wrecking any self esteem I had left. I am feeling like a child , like I have no control.

I am beginning to feel desperate and clingy, and I NEVER felt that way before. Why do I feel this way... why can't I just get furious and push him away?

This pretending that it's okay to be friends is destroying me inside. I'm becoming a sniveling wreck , my confidence is shot. I'm constantly distracted, forgetting things, obsessing and I can't stop it.

When does this stop? When does the fear go away? I'm disgusted with myself .

[Ambivalent]

Menopause and my nest being empty doesn't help either. I'm all alone in this house, and it is so lonely.

[tigerlily78]

I am only about 1 month post bomb drop, so let me give you a disclaimer that it is entirely possible I don't know what the heck I am talking about, but maybe I do. Here are my thoughts:

For me I think what allowed me to let go of a lot of my fear (certainly not all of it, but MOST of it) was sticking to the FACTS.

Fact #1: Lots of people in my life love me and admire me just the way I am. In DB'ing we are actively working to be EVEN better. If H determines for whatever crazy reason that he would rather NOT be with someone as awesome as me then it will truly be HIS loss. The same goes for you. I am certain you have people who genuinely think you are terrific and lovable just the way you are. Work to see yourself through their eyes and know that no matter what happens you deserve love and happiness and you are completely capable of having it with or without the H.

Fact #2: Probably unique to my situation, but perhaps helpful to others too. My H fell into his infatuation with a woman who appears to have a ton of her own issues and already he has made comments that makes it seem like he is realizing she isn't perfect after all. It probably helps that he "fell in love with his soulmate" knowing almost nothing about her except what she looks like and that they have a hobby in common. Now that he gets to face all the "glamor" of hanging out in her trailer house that doesn't really get cleaned much I think he is beginning to appreciate that it DOES take work to keep a household together (I am no great housekeeper myself, but I guess I am better at it than her and I have made it one of my 180s to be more tidy and organized) and she is probably not a prime candidate to fulfill all the responsibilities in life he is used to me filling. Especially since she is just like him, living it up like a child and shirking almost all responsibility at the moment. :P

Fact #3: The number of relationships that start as affairs and actually end up in "long term marriages" (over 5 years) is something ridiculously small... like 2.7%. If there is an OW, the odds are not in her favor in the long run. If you can play the waiting game you have a good shot at getting the H back, if that is what you want and you can handle the aftermath of OW with strength, confidence, and grace. Also, 60% of second marriages end in divorce... so don't expect that H really has found his golden ticket. Especially in the context of MLC, they are usually running into the arms of someone else blindly and as time wears on the illusion starts to lose it's appeal. There is the chance they may fall into serial affairs, but I think DB'ing puts you in a strong position to be there when they fall out of that first one and get them to realize you really have been there loving them unconditionally all along and the grass will never be greener than that.

[uRworthy]

Amb, it goes away when you tell it to. It goes away when you confront your fears.

When you confront your fears, they lose their power.

You can get through this, if YOU choose to. We have all been where you are.

Here's the thing. The sooner you detach, the sooner you get to work on you. And then, you can get to the good parts. The part where you feel strong. The part when you realize that you will be ok either way.

It is a process, this. You get there when you do. We all walk it in our own time, in our own way.

Your feelings are hurt. Your world has been turned upside down. The things you thought you knew, arent true anymore.

It is natural for you to feel the way you do.

The way to get to where you need to be is to get out of your head. Stop reading about ows and affairs right now. Stop imaging what he is doing.

You have to have no expectations. You cant hang your hope on a few good interactions with him. He is in crisis. You cannot count on anything from him now.

So, you have to take care of you and your daughters. You have to live your life. You have to let him walk his journey and you have to walk yours.

Put the focus on you and your children. Let him blow in the wind.

You can do this, A.

[makingmagic]

Moments...its just a moment... (it too will pass).

I still have them!! some days are much better tahn others.

PRAY... Pray for Gods work to be done on your hubby. Pray for God's will.

Breathe.

I completely understand:

"This pretending that it's okay to be friends is destroying me inside. I'm becoming a sniveling wreck , my confidence is shot. I'm constantly distracted, forgetting things, obsessing and I can't stop it.

When does this stop? When does the fear go away? I'm disgusted with myself ."

I am soooooo distracted, space cadet! I stare into space most of the time, and have to write down what h says so that I don't have to have him repeat . When he repeats he gets pissed at me! I am the queen of obsessing... I couldn't stop it either.>>>> BUT!! eventually, that seems to slow down.

I don't know what happened, I grew along the way. I began to "let go" of needing to know everything and wanted to know less about him. I prefer it now actually. It makes it easier. I began to really do the work on myself that everyone suggested. I am feeling much better about myself and liking who I am becoming. Keeping the good qualities from before and adding a whole new dimension. I am still learning.

Ask yourself this: WHO DO I WANT TO BE, and start to be her!

For tonight, go to bed... put ALL images, questions, concerns about H and your R aside. Imagine this amazing Ambiv, she is strong, beautiful, she is courageus, alluring, desireable, _____ (fill in the blank)..... add more. Go through the alphabet and pick amazing words that describe the NEW AMBIV!

Start talking positive to yourself!

Good night!

(((HUGS)))

[job]

Ambivalent,
We all have been where you are today and have felt the same. It takes time to detach after being dealt a heavy hand of surprises. However, you are the only one who can stop your fears and make detaching work for you. It takes time, but you can do it.

Now, about your h and his statement about not coming for Thanksgiving. I can understand what he's saying. Yes, it's going to feel awkward for him. Why? Because he's doesn't feel comfortable doing the "family" thing right now because he doesn't know what he wants at the moment. He is in crisis and he's not feeling all that warm and fuzzy about family gatherings. It could very well make him feel uncomfortable. If he doesn't come, he may very well stay home, sit in a corner and just watch tv. It does not necessarily mean that he wants to spend the day w/ow.

You need to start focusing on your studies and prepping for your exams. You are spinning yourself up like a top and you have other things that require your attention right now. Keep the focus on those things that require your immediate attention.

It's difficult, I know, but you have to let him go. Allow God to work on him. The fear will go away when you face those things that make you fearful. You are going to be okay...but you need to face those fears head on and go from there.

Take care of yourself. Leave your h to twirl in the wind.