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COS7350 Offline OP
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Not sure what to do these days. W is seeing a T, it is helping in a lot of ways. W is Bipolar. Which has to do with a lot issues with our sexual relationship.

But....

We hardly ever have sex anymore. W just doesn't seem interested anymore. W just seems satisfied if we never have sex ever again.

I help out with doing the dishes and laundry and house cleaning around the house, take her out to dinner. To the movies. Running out of ideas to try to get generate that spark.

I try to keep myself in decent shape, clean up after myself and listen when she talks...

I have run out of answers of how to bring the subject up without coming across needy...

Suggestion and in-sights welcome...

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Originally Posted By: COS7350
Not sure what to do these days. W is seeing a T, it is helping in a lot of ways. W is Bipolar. Which has to do with a lot issues with our sexual relationship.

But....

We hardly ever have sex anymore. W just doesn't seem interested anymore. W just seems satisfied if we never have sex ever again.

I help out with doing the dishes and laundry and house cleaning around the house, take her out to dinner. To the movies. Running out of ideas to try to get generate that spark.

I try to keep myself in decent shape, clean up after myself and listen when she talks...

I have run out of answers of how to bring the subject up without coming across needy...

Suggestion and in-sights welcome...


Washing dishes and helping it does not make spark. Causing distance, jealousy, friction, showing stregth does.

Of course we want to show them how much we love them, and to do our part... The only thing is, with our culture these traits are taken for granted.

MMSL might not be perfect but attempts to describe the mindset required.

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The good news: a source of the problem may be identified and the therapist MAY give strategies for dealing with the absence of sex. You may or may not be the source or a source for your wife's lack of sexual desire.

The bad news: there may be nothing you can do (directly) to generate or re-ignite that spark unless there is a specifically identified behavior on your part that "turns off" your wife. You could end up with a sexless marriage (as I have). If your wife values a sexless marriage more than the threat of a divorce, you have no power. I suspect you value marriage over divorce.

One other thing, Don't give in to the self-pity party that has you not to keep yourself in decent shape. Once I realized that my sex-life was gone, I gave in to a feeling that there was no real reason to take care of myself for her sake. It can be a tough fight back. I lost 85 pounds and am less than 10 pounds away from the weight I was when we met 27 years ago. More importantly, I am actually in better shape since I can now claim myself to be a marathoner, something I couldn't do when we met.

Sorry I can't give you a simple checklist of things you can do.

The Captain


Last sex: 04/06/1997
Last attempt: 11/11/1997
W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997
W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998
I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds.
Start running again (marathons)
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COS7350,

The Captain is the best, he helped me a lot. Sorry you are in this position. Don't fall into the trap that thinking your wife's lack of desire is "your fault" because you haven't made yourself attractive enough.

People need to be responsible for their own sexuality, including speaking up when they're not getting what they need. Many men in your position will start blindly throwing darts trying to make things better when nothing you do will have any impact unless your wife wants things to improve for her own sake.

When your aimless darts don't result in the response you were expecting, frustration is the usual result and that makes everything worse for both parties.

I assume you've discussed this with your wife -- what does she have to say about it?

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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COS7350 Offline OP
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So tried to discuss with W. W is content with the way things are. W is of the position that the feelings or if you want to call it lust, we had for each other when we met, can not be re-ignited to the way things where. That is in the past. That couples of our grow out of those feelings as time goes on in a relationship.

Not sure if that is because of the meds that she now takes for her issues with Bi-polar or not? Not sure if she no longer finds me desirable, she shut down when I asked. Not sure if she is holding back on her true feelings because she is afraid of going down the path that lead to the uncontrollable bi-polar sexual behavior with multiple meets prior to the A she had about a year and half ago... Just not sure...

It's like her subconscious is pushing me away, or maybe she is consciously pushing me away...

Frustrating, Depressing, and a lot of questions with no answers...

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Can you get her to read "The Sex Starved Marriage"? My wife read it and it explained the relationship challenges much better than I could. Having my wife read it made a big difference for me, she "got it".

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Or perhaps this one: " Mating In Captivity, Unlocking Erotic Intelligence "


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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COS7350 Offline OP
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W is going to a therapist that she really likes. I have approached W several times on wanting more intimacy and sex in our relationship. W says that she is content with the way things are...

With that being said, I've asked her to talk to her therapists about how we or I can generate more sparks like it used to be (been five plus years since we have had any real intimacy). Her responses have been that she has and that I might not like the answers.

Not sure I want to go through the rest of my life in a non-intimate and sexless relationship... But I love my W very much.

I feel like I am at crossroads of trying to figure out what is important in a relationship. Is it that important to have intimacy or just companionship as we get older. I want to do everything that I can to get as much out of life and enjoy life as much as I can and do what I can to stay as young as I can.

Is that to much to ask?

I am trying to stay faithful, but it seems that W being content with the ways things are is causing complacency as well. I don't want to be taken for granted...

This is like a bad dream when it comes to this area in my relationship with my 2nd wife.

Is it just me and wanting to much?

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[quote=COS7350]she has and that I might not like the answers./quote]

What does this mean? Has she told you the answers and you just didn't want to hear them?

CB


Me; 42, W; 43
M; 16 yrs
S12, D9

3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure"
5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
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Originally Posted By: COS7350
I feel like I am at crossroads of trying to figure out what is important in a relationship. Is it that important to have intimacy or just companionship as we get older. I want to do everything that I can to get as much out of life and enjoy life as much as I can and do what I can to stay as young as I can.


There is a lot of overlap here with my wife's stance. This is what my MC explained to me: everyone enjoys a different amount of distance in their relationship. If you were to plot a 10 point scale where 10 is extreme intimacy and 1 is roommates passing like ships in the night, everyone is going to occupy a range on that scale at different points during the day/week/month/year.

The point is, you may be comfortable between 6 and 8. If your wife is comfortable between 5 and 7, there is enough overlap that the intimacy difference probably won't bother either of you. When you're at 8 and she's at 5 there will be tension, but the majority of the time you will overlap.

As relationships evolve and people age, your position on the scale may change. If you have stayed at 6-8 but your wife has now slid down to 3-4, that is a recipe for frustration on both your parts. You will never feel you're getting what you need, and your wife will feel that no matter what she does it's never enough. Neither position is comfortable.

Therefore, you have 3 options: (1) leave, (2) encourage your wife to work with you to come up the scale to meet you, or (3) decide if you can tolerate the gap. It is generally not reasonable for you to try to come down the scale, though she may be able to move up it if she's motivated to do so.

If she gives you a "take it or leave it" ultimatum, which it sounds like, then you're stuck with (1) or (3).

My MC suggested this exercise: At the end of each day, ask yourself "If every day for the rest of my life was like today, would that be okay with me?". If the answer is "Yes" write a 1 on a unique page in a notebook. If the answer is "No" write a 0. You're supposed to use a new page for each mark so you're not influenced by looking at the trend.

After 6 months, (or some other period meaningful to you) go back and tabulate your responses. This will prevent you from fooling yourself into thinking you're "okay" when you're not, and protect you from making a rash decision during a low period when overall you're feeling okay.

That's the best my MC could offer.

The other advice I got was to think of your marriage like a project that you and your wife are co-managing. You have come to a place where you have different goals for your marriage. That being the case, you cannot possibly succeed in satisfying your objectives mutually because you are pursuing divergent goals.

When she says you won't like the answers, I think you have to push her to share them anyway (that's intimacy right?)

HOWEVER, you have to be prepared for the fact that she will speak as if her state of mind is permanent, and you have to be prepared not to take that personally.

She didn't feel this way when she married you, so that by itself is proof that feelings can change over time.

Originally Posted By: COS7350
Is it just me and wanting to much?


I agonized over this -- were my expectations and desires reasonable?

Chances are you already know if what you want is reasonable. For me, I discussed it with an IC, an MC, and a DB coach, as well as my peers on this board. They without exception assured me that my expectations were completely reasonable, but that W was not interested in meeting them. That seems to be where you are.

Therefore, unless you feel you're overly needy, go with the assumption that what you want and need are reasonable.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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