What do YOU suggest that JFred can do in order to demonstrate that his wife can trust him? All I see you doing is shooting down everything he says or even does. Has he screwed up? Yep -- he's admitted that. SHOULD his wife trust him again? Probably not, but he's trying to save his marriage and we HOPE she can find it in her heart to try.
Full transparency -- especially for us guys -- is NOT easy to agree to do. It's almost humiliating and emasculating (but yet it's fully necessary). I think our advice to ol' JFred here needs to be "keep doing what you're doing, but know that it's going to take a long while before she believes your changes are genuine."
" All I see you doing is shooting down everything he says or even does. "
Not really. What was written is what's going through his W's mind.
JFred, here are your biggest challenges.
1) Your W's XH cheated on her so already it took her alot of strength to give her heart to someone else. Those of us who deal with infidelity know how tough it is to trust someone again after being betrayed even once. As much as you try, you never feel like you can totally trust someone again. Your W was willing to try with you.
2) You cheated on her twice. She gave you a chance the first time and you broke that trust again. Double whammy.
3) Your SD just got a D. I don't know if it was because of infidelity, but either way, she was betrayed by her father and then her H and then by you. She's been betrayed by three men, so she won't be playing cheerleader in your corner and is probably telling your W that you can never be trusted.
Transparency alone isn't going to work in your case. People who cheat have shown to have hidden phones and email addresses, so showing that to your W now won't do any good.
The reason why I asked if there were a reason why your W would want to stay with you is to see if you could point out any good traits or actions that your W had responded positively to and possibly could again. If you can't think of any, then it's harder for us to find a starting point for you.
My suggestion would be to start with your SD. Have you apologized to her? Tell her that you're sorry for how badly you've hurt her and betrayed her trust. Tell her you love her and while you don't deserve her forgiveness, that you ask for it any way. Start off small with a comment here and there and then increase interactions.
Next, if there was something you were responsible for in your marriage that required trust, such as finances, continue to show that you can be trusted in those areas. Ask your W questions and keep her updated. Don't go overboard with the interactions but keep them business like. Then slowly turn them friendly.
You have to show your trustworthiness through actions and time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
3) Your SD just got a D. I don't know if it was because of infidelity, but either way, she was betrayed by her father and then her H and then by you. She's been betrayed by three men, so she won't be playing cheerleader in your corner and is probably telling your W that you can never be trusted.
Transparency alone isn't going to work in your case. People who cheat have shown to have hidden phones and email addresses, so showing that to your W now won't do any good.
The reason why I asked if there were a reason why your W would want to stay with you is to see if you could point out any good traits or actions that your W had responded positively to and possibly could again. If you can't think of any, then it's harder for us to find a starting point for you.
My suggestion would be to start with your SD. Have you apologized to her? Tell her that you're sorry for how badly you've hurt her and betrayed her trust. Tell her you love her and while you don't deserve her forgiveness, that you ask for it any way. Start off small with a comment here and there and then increase interactions.
Next, if there was something you were responsible for in your marriage that required trust, such as finances, continue to show that you can be trusted in those areas. Ask your W questions and keep her updated. Don't go overboard with the interactions but keep them business like. Then slowly turn them friendly.
You have to show your trustworthiness through actions and time.
This is excellent advice, and the SD angle is very insightful ^^^.
I attempted to call SD twice back in Aug and in Sept. Left message both times, no return phone calls. I sent her an email in late Sept. No reply. She told W about it and W asked me to please not contact SD again. I did send a b-day card to SD in Oct, but no reply from that either. So at this point, I'm not sure if I should send another email or try to contact SD again.
In terms of good traits, W always talked about how she loved my dependability and strength. That she could rely on me in tough situations. That she always new I would be there if she needed to lean on me. That I was her "rock".
I have asked W in terms of help with the finances. She has said no each time. SD sat down with W in Aug after I moved out and helped her in terms of what needed to be paid and when.
The only interaction we have is based on our 2 cats. One of them has been sick and we have had several vet appts that both W and I have gone to together. In actuality, the cats are 90% of what W and I talk about now. And if it wasn't for W allowing me to come over on the weekend for about an hour or 2 to see the cats, I would imagine W would not have me over at all.
By now you are aware mom wants a divorce and wants to move on from the marriage based on my actions. I take full responsibility for my horrible decisions and the hurt and pain I have caused your mom and you (as well as the rest of the family). There are no excuses for what I have done.
I have been blessed to have you in my life and I'll always love you as my own daughter.
Know that I do love your mom and my solemn, sincere prayer is for our reconciliation. I understand reconciliation is a process and not an event and in that regard, it will take time. I will pray for this and I will pray that one day, you can forgive me.
I can see why she didn't want to respond. You made it all about you in the email. This isn't about what YOU understand and what YOU want and what YOU will pray for. You have to make the emphasis on them.
By starting off by saying that her mom wants a D because of your actions is wrong. You should have just started out with the apology.
How old was your SD when you M'd?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The first 3 years we got along very well. We established a strong bond. She had never had a father figure in her life, and I believe she looked to me to fill that void.
The next 4 years were so-so. Things had changed with her dad (W's XH). He had become unreliable in terms of child support and visitation. He frequently gave W a very hard time over these matters. This strained the relationship between all of us. SD had overheard several conversations between W and XH...along with conversations between W and myself. The conversations were centered around XH's attitude and actions. This put SD on the defensive a lot. She felt like she had done something wrong.
After that 4 year period, SD went to college. Her and I gradually got back to a very good spot within a year or so. Our relationship continued to get better and really flourished in the last few years. We were getting along better than ever until this past Summer.
