I had an Affair and Wife now wants Divorce

[JFred]

No children of my own, but i was a good stepfather to W's daughter while she was growing up and into adulthood (she is 28yo now). when she went through her divorce a couple years ago, W and I helped her through.

W and I have 2 cats who are like our children and I am a good "parent" to them.

Love W's family very much and get along with all of them. They are wonderful people. I can laugh and cry with all of them.

As mentioned before, I loved her parents like they were my own. They were role models for me and always stood by my side. W always said she would never forget what i did for her parents the 2 1/2 yrs they were sick and how i was there for the family after her mom passed and then her dad.

W's family has a summer home & boathouse. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into maintenance, etc. to keep the place in good shape.

I enjoyed the same interests as W. She would always laugh that I was the only guy she knew that would take her to the mall and not complain about being there for 6 hours.

I volunteer for several Special Olympic events throughout the year.

I volunteer for church functions and serve as a trustee.

I volunteer at our local zoo.

I have been mentoring my 15 year old nephew.

I'm active into running and exercising. goal is to run a marathon.

[MrBond]

When your W got D'd from her first H, was she the one that called it or did he? Do you know what happened to cause the breakup?

[JFred]

She called it...he was an alcoholic. they were married about 4 years. their daughter was 2 when W moved out and divorced him. W tried to stay with him, but he started becoming violent, so she left with her daughter and moved in with her parents.

[MrBond]

Honestly I can now see that it is going to be extremely difficult to fix this right now. Not impossible but it's going to take awhile.

Her H broke her trust by drinking and getting violent. She tried to fix it but ultimately couldn't. I don't think you realize how important your relationship was to her. It probably took alot of strength and courage to open herself up to being loved again so the fact that you not only cheated on her once but twice is a tough sell.

I can only imagine all the emotional and psychological damage your W is going through right now.

I can now see why she doesn't want to contact you at all. She doesn't want to get hurt any more.

Right now begging and pleading your case isn't going to do any good because you betrayed her twice. How old is your step-D? Do you get a chance to talk to her? Did your W have any contact with her XH?

[JFred]

Thanks MrBond for all your insight. Right now, it feels impossible to me that the marriage can be saved or this can be "fixed" at all. I appreciate reading your email that it may not be impossible. I'll do whatever I can do and need to do and be as patient as I have to be (not my strong suit, but I'm working on it).

I didn't realize how much the relationship meant to her or how important it was to her. the last 2 and 1/2 years, I was self absorbed with anger and bitterness that I held inside and didn't deal with effectively.

Haven't begged and pleaded since the day she told me she wanted a divorce (which was 9/7). When she mentioned the divorce again on 10/19, we talked matter-of-factly and there was no begging. Still no word on the divorce from her since 10/19.

Step-D is 28. She will not talk to me anymore and hasn't since August. Since W told her about the A, step-d has said that I am no better than step-d's first husband (who left her for another woman 2 1/2 years ago after they were married for less than 2 years). Neither myself or W have had any contact with step-d's XH. We did talk to him for a few weeks after he first left, but he made it clear he no longer loved step-d and was moving on.

W only had contact with her XH while step-d was growing up. but it wasn't much contact at all. There were child support issues, visitation issues, etc...with XH. W always was reluctant to have any type of confrontation with him.

[MrBond]

"I'll do whatever I can do and need to do and be as patient as I have to be (not my strong suit, but I'm working on it)."

This is your ego talking. You say you don't have the patience. Well I guess your family and relationship to your W and SD means anything to you.

"I didn't realize how much the relationship meant to her or how important it was to her. "

Seriously? You didn't think she cared that much about you MARRIAGE to her which is why you cheated on her? TWICE? You both went to counseling which is more than others get around here and you cheated again!. Get some b@lls and start taking responsibility for what you did. Stop blaming her.

And before you argue that you're not, go back and read your post. It's very telling. You were being selfish and still are.

This is where you are failing. It doesn't matter how much the relationship means to your W. It matters how much it means to you.

" She will not talk to me anymore and hasn't since August. Since W told her about the A, step-d has said that I am no better than step-d's first husband '

And how does that make you feel? Proud? Be honest here.

[JFred]

didn't say i don't have patience...i said it is not my strong suit, but i'm working on it. I don't think it's my ego talking at all. The relationship means enough to me to do whatever I can to save the marriage. If that means wait and do nothing, then I will wait. If it means to do something that I'm not seeing, something that someone such as yoruself points out, then I will do that.

my post was meant to convey that i didn't know how much the relationship meant to her in the past couple of years because of what we'd been through with her daughter and her parents. I had a lot of anger and bitterness which consumed me and, as i stated before, I was very selfish.

Prior to the last couple of years, there were issues between us which we both had discussed. The lack of communication and the lack of intimacy. We had discussed going to counseling way back then, but we didn't. However, even with those issues, I knew back then how much the relationship meant to her and how much it meant to me. But neither one of us knew what steps to take to "fix" it, so we both buried our heads in the sand. Once everything happened with her daughter and her parents, we both placed our relationship on the back burner. That's not blaming...that's fact. W would attest to that too.

The affair is 100% my fault. I have taken responsibility; not sure how, in your view, I haven't. I have never once pointed to anything about W to say "this is why I had the A"...and I wont't. The A is on me and always will be. At no time have I ever blamed W for me having the A.

I have re-read my post several times, I fail to see where I have pointed any blame at her. I also fail to see how I'm still being selfish. I'm here and I'm trying to save my marriage. I may not have all the "correct" answers and I may be failing at saying/doing certain things, but I'm trying to learn.

The relationship means the world to me. I don't want to lose W.

It makes me feel very sad that step-d feels this way. We had a wonderful relationship and W told me that once she told step-d about the A, that step-d would never forgive me and that relationship would end for good. That appears to be exactly what has happened. And yes, I'm well aware this is a consequence of my actions.

[MrBond]

"The affair is 100% my fault. I have taken responsibility; not sure how, in your view, I haven't. "

Because before you even wrote this part you spent a whole paragraph discussing problems your W had or your "shared" problems. She might have had communication problems, but she didn't go after another person. And you did it TWICE. That's the telling part that you were and are the one with the problem.

Bottom line is that no matter how badly your M is going you don't find comfort in someone else's bed. AND because your W was betrayed by her XH, you did worse by betraying her twice.

I have no doubt that your M can be saved, but I'm not sure it's worth it. I mean, how does your W know that you aren't going to cheat on her again? How do YOU know that you're not going to cheat again?

You say that you've suddenly understood why you did the things you did, etc. But words don't mean anything. Actions do. And your actions showed that you couldn't keep your word. So what assurances does she have that you aren't going to do it again if she comes back?

That's what she's afraid of. Transparency means nothing for now because it's the fear of FUTURE hurt that she's afraid of.

[JFred]

In none of my posts have I once pointed the finger or blamed W. If you have taken my posts that way, then I have not conveyed how I feel correctly to you. In fact, it has been quite the opposite.

In addition, when I post, I am trying to give as much info and facts as I can. I do this so that anyone who replies to me will have as complete a picture as I can provide. By stating the issues in the M prior to the A, I am not placing blame, I'm simply trying to provide facts.

Also, the therapist W and I saw together and my own psychologist that I see in IC have both said the same thing: The affair is 100% my fault, but the issues in the marriage prior are 50%-50% between both W and myself. Did those issues give me the green light to have the A? Absolutely not. The A was my action only and not attributable to anything W did or did not do.

I never once said I suddenly understood the whys of my actions. I have been in IC for 6 months now, once a week, sometimes twice. It took me a good 3 months to figure out the whys with lots of "homework" done outside of the sessions.

I don't know what assurances W has that I won't cheat again. When she asked me to leave, I moved in with my parents (and remain there) so she would see that I'm not out to get my own "love nest" with the OW. She knows I continue my therapy. She is aware I have gone back to church. I joined here for people to assist who have been through the same situations.

I'm here because I don't know what to do or how to assure her. I'm here because I don't want the M to end and I don't want to lose W.

Same thing with W knowing I will not cheat on her again. I don't know how to assure her of that or what actions to take.

I know I won't cheat again because the OW was a significant part of my past. I know now and have discovered in the last few months that I was caught up in old feelings and looking to recreate a past that, at the time of the A, I felt I wanted based on MY poor view of the marriage. The A was about the memory of past, old feelings at a time when I thought (no blame, it's on me) M would not survive.

So while I'm glad to read your "I have no doubt that your M can be saved"...when it's followed up with "I'm not sure it's worth it", I really don't know what actions to take.

[MrBond]

"I know now and have discovered in the last few months that I was caught up in old feelings and looking to recreate a past that, at the time of the A, I felt I wanted based on MY poor view of the marriage. "

That's all fine and well, but to be honest, you don't know if you're going to get caught up in those feelings again if your M goes south again.

While it is true that marriages can be saved after an A, it's the fact that she opened her heart to you again and then you broke that trust a second time that's the issue.

In what ways have you exhibited trust? Showing her phone records and emails don't mean anything because you can always have a secret phone and email somewhere else. Many cheaters on here do.