A rare moment of quiet. H is working late. I have my feet up, the TV volume turned down (Bill Murray in Scrooged) and am perusing the DB boards. So many new "faces" here.
To any of the newbies who might read this; HANG ON. IT GETS BETTER. More to the point, YOU'LL GET BETTER.
Not that I'm "all" better lol. But after reading some of the fresh, raw posts of the recently bombed I do realize that I have indeed progressed.
Is my marriage better? I have no idea. I don't think I have too much of a marriage right now. I have a husband, so one would think that would by definition mean there is a marriage - but I'm not so sure. There is of course no discussion of the R. There is no discussion of the OW.
On my part? Right now, no plans to leave. Not sure if that means I have plans to stay. H had some sort of epiphany a couple of weeks ago. We were in bed and he sort of gasped and said "You're trying to decide whether or not to keep me aren't you?" Such a funny way to phrase the question, as if he were a dog that wouldn't be house broken and I was deciding to "keep" him or not. But what a change too, from the days of H telling me he was "deciding".
H thinks he may be losing his mind. I have of course had the same thoughts. He seems a bit more introspective lately, and says he feels his mental abilities are slipping. Is this a progression in his path of depression? There is still anger, so much anger from him. Over things like "wasting" a garbage bag.
The gambling is fading a bit. H has found a local restaurant that is available to lease. H is warily interested in pursuing his pizza place. I am watching him, feeling strangely removed from the whole process.
The strangest new thing to report is that H has started doing laundry. I can't figure this one out. Not that I am complaining. And not that I am stopping him, or questioning him. (This is new for me. A learned behavior. I have learned that I do not have to do everything and that I am not less of a person for not being in charge of everything. Lol, I can't properly convey how new this attitude is for me. It must be like when a baby learns to walk...? How can I be proud of myself for not doing laundry, does that even make sense? But I have a huge sense of achievement over not stressing that "Oh no H is folding clothes! My gosh! That means I'm a horrible person!")
Like I said, I'm far from "all" better Lol - I'm a work in progress. A work in progress with clean socks
Gotta run.
~ Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I always like when the WAS realizes the choice has been taken from their hands. My H I think has recently realized this. What he does with the realization is up to him and who knows, really, what it means to them?
I am praying for the choice to be mine again!!! I'm sure its a much better position than being "decided" on. That part sux!!
I am NOT plan B!
Thanks for the update Mizjjd!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
If you have your feet up and a few spare minutes , that is awesome.
It is strange that you posted today. I was thinking of you. How despite our very different situations, that timeline from devastated to "putting our feet up" is a similar one. And the newbies will get there (here) too. I am putting up my feet as well, with an awesome cocktail and catching up. I feel content. A year ago I was hiding in closets.
I am proud of us, friend. We may ( OK, don't) have all the answers but we don't need to. Urgency is gone.
And never look a gift horse in the mouth, if H wants to do laundry, whatever floats his boat. Just hide your favourite clothes! And maybe hint that the dishes are feeling neglected (my least favourite chore).
Hey J that is progress! I think it is kind of funny that H asked you if you were debating keeping him or not. Maybe something in his crazy little head is telling him that he's got a good thing and maybe he needs to get his sh!t together.
I haven't been so lucky but glad one of us is. You deserve to kick your feet up. No one gives us a prize for doing everything ourselves. It's just nice when it is appreciated. Let H do the laundry. Maybe he'll move to something else next. Ha Ha.
Take good care of yourself J. May you have more days with your feet up!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Hello all. We are having a snow day here. Actually its more of an extremely-cold day I believe. Negative 12 with windchill in the negative 40 range. Brrr! Wonderfuljob was closed yesterday and is today as well. H also was home yesterday but today he's off to work.
Family update.
S20 (almost 21! about 6 more weeks to go, smh) is currently suffering from blood clots, and possibly liver cancer. Sigh. He has started a "fear journal" where he records his fears and thoughts. I think the journal is a good thing - I hope it will help him help himself.
D19 is living in Detroit with her 33 year old felon. This is a stop-over on their way to NYC where her SO has a "7 figure income" awaiting him... (I'm not sure which of the two elder children is more delusional.) She says they're in love and plan to marry.
Ss 17 continue along. Thankfully no new developments there.
H. H is trying. I don't know what to make of this. He has continued to do laundry after a small stutter step. When the laundry room filled up again he went off in an H-snit. I paid this no mind. The next day he was doing laundry again. And he has trimmed a door and put up a banister for the stairs. He continues to pursue the pizza place. Hasn't been to the casino in a couple months but continues to "practice" on his computer. (It's really just a video game - it's not live, there is no betting involved.)
He hasn't said anything to me regarding our M or the OW. And I'm not asking. Lol, the shoes a bit on the other foot just now, because I thought the other day "Gosh I hope H doesn't ask me if I love him... because I don't know. And I don't want to get in a R talk!"
H is suddenly concerned for my well being. Tells me repeatedly to be careful driving. Did NOT find a morbid joking conversation about a headache literally killing me at all funny.
For Christmas H gave me 3 go out to dinner coupons. We had tentative plans to go out last week but then the weather turned bad. So I said no, let's just stay home. H must have asked 5 times if I wouldn't rather go out.
Told S20 that when our current pets die he is not interested in replacing them because they keep "us" from travelling. (You'd have to really know H to appreciate the full moment of silence S20 and I gave after this comment. The idea of H and I going on a vacation, or planning frequent travels... well, we needed a moment to digest that idea!)
All this behavior is new for H. Fair enough I suppose, because I have exhibited some new behaviors myself. Cause and effect? Or some sort of shift in H? Or just a temporary anomaly?
He's still not entirely likable. Refused to allow our 2 outdoor cats to come inside for these terribly cold days. (One of them is spending the day in the bathroom.... shhh. I haven't seen the other one yet.)
And I find this intolerable. And it makes me mad, MAD at myself too. Because I didn't tell H to go jump in a lake and bring them in anyway. (When I was a child of about 4 we were having a barn pulled down on our property. There was a mama cat and kittens in that barn. 4-year-old Jaye took her pillow and blanket to the barn to sleep with those cats and make sure Daddy didn't pull the barn down on top of them. 45-year-old Jaye? Just a bunch of talk. Not willing to rock this precarious boat... upset the kids... push H a little farther.) Yep, not happy with myself over this at all. The cats did find a way to get under the house in the crawl space so are not as bad off as they might be. But I feel H showed an alarming lack of empathy and compassion through out this issue. This has made me feel that I don't like him - and more importantly, I don't like "me" with him.
I will counter this self-disappointment with a quote from Robert Brault.
Optimist (n.) - someone who knows that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster. It's the cha-cha.
Take care DBers!
Love, Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
We appear to be sharing the same cold snap, but I don't think our temps are in the negatives. I feel for all of you up north!
I'm very sorry to read about S20 and what he is going through. I can imagine that he is extremely scared of what lies ahead and rightly so. I'm keeping him in my prayers.
I wish your D19 all the best, but I think she needs to step back and wait a bit before even thinking about marrying this guy. I hope she wises up and soon.
S17 sounds like he's still on an even keel and doing okay.
I do have to wonder what is up w/the laundry. It appears that there are a few of them that do laundry. I wonder if it's soothing to them to hear the washing machines and dryers running and just knowing that there's not a lot of thought into sorting, etc. My mlcing friend was doing laundry every day! LOL!
How are the in-laws doing these days? What about you? How are you doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
