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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...163#Post2392163

Good morning DBers smile

Just checking in.

My title reflects my current stage on my journey. A daunting discovery if ever there was one. To learn the only person stopping me is me. To learn I need to figure out what I want because it's all up to me.

Family update.

H is at the casino atm. I am growing ever so tired of this routine. When he told me yesterday, as I was leaving for work, "I probably won't be here when you get back" I was sorely tempted to respond with "Ok. And I probably won't be here when you get back." But I'm not ready to go, and I don't make idle threats.

When H isn't thinking blackjack is going to make him rich he's thinking he wants to open a pizza place.

OW is still in the picture, as far as I know. Another epiphany I recently had is that I don't actually want H to drop OW. At least not just because I say so. No, I want him to THROW her away. If he were to stop only because I want him to then there would be pining. If he can't come to the realization that his marriage is more important than OW, then I see no point in a marriage. Amazing what new perspectives detachment can bring.

S20 currently thinks he's dying of lung cancer. He doesn't even smoke. We don't smoke. Its just the current manifestation of his anxiety.

D19 is in love with a 32 year old felon - who is currently in jail for DUI. She is living at home again, and has finally found a waitressing job but has not yet received a paycheck.

Ss17 are in the final days of football/soccer. I must admit I have shed a small tear over the end of this era. But it is good. They are getting closer to beginning their own journeys. They are doing well in school and have plans to go to college.
(Amazing differences in my kids, they run the spectrum.)

MWD had a FB post asking if her followers would marry the spouse, if they had it all to over again.

My answer was "No." I was wondering what my DB friends would answer?

Have to run. I hope you are all doing well.

Peace

~ smile ~

Jaye


Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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Hi Jaye!

I'm so sorry that OW is still a part of your H's life. Sigh. You've been doing such a great job holding ev'rything together smile

Interesting question to pose: would we marry our spouse all over again?

My initial reaction is NO!!!!

But then again....you've got the choice then to always be alone or marry an imperfect person. Everyone is going to have issues sooner or later.

I look at other M's and think I wouldn't want to put up with some things other people do. And the parts of my life that aren't directly related to my R with my H are great. We live in the country, money isn't a problem, kids are healthy, smart & good lookin' and my H has never prevented me from chasing my dreams.

So....possibly yes. Just wish life didn't have so many twists & turns sometimes. But looking back on this side of MLC, I think H & I are experiencing a M that's really special...a depth of love that I never imagined could be real.

So maybe....I'd do it all over again!

Thanks for provoking thought this morning.

I still love your tag line smile

Hugs to you today,
rH


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Originally Posted By: mizjjd

My title reflects my current stage on my journey. A daunting discovery if ever there was one. To learn the only person stopping me is me. To learn I need to figure out what I want because it's all up to me.

Agreed! You hold the key. What an empowering feeling! smile

-----------
Hmmm.. your question about if you could do it all again.... my answer would be that if I could do it again I don't think I would be in such a rush to marry. When I was young I placed such importance on getting married. Looking back, I don't see any reason to rush. I guess you come to realize that over time.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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mizjjd Offline OP
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Hi RH & CP,

and "the rest" here on Gilligan's Isle wink

Just checking in.

H has added roulette to his casino adventures. And he is talking to local people about a pizza place. Item of interest. H was talking to some acquaintances about working out in the casino gym. But he never described it that way to them, he just said he was "out of town" at a hotel one weekend. Idk what if anything this evasion means, just a thing that makes me go "hmmm".

I have the feeling H is "trying". Nothing has been said, and no earth shattering changes have been made.

But I have the feeling that it doesn't matter to me. It is only a surface change - to me he is still a leopard even if he wears a tiger suit. This mindset makes me ponder myself, my morals, my expectations, my limits.

S20 is now dying of a blood clot. And possibly gangrene. This last bit was suggested to him by H when S20 was moaning over a skinned knee. H dismisses S20's anxieties and following the role-model-of-the-day Richie Incognito is attempting to "toughen up" S20. (And the spots are revealed...)

D19 has moved out. Well, she kind of snuck out. Very strange. She told me she was "staying with a friend" but really she had found an apartment - she told me this after a couple days. I'm not sure why she went about it this way. But she has a little one bedroom apartment, a fluffy kitten, and soon, the return of her 32 year old ex-con boyfriend. I think this must really be bothering me on a deep level because I've had a couple nightmares about it. The boyfriend was indirectly involved in a girl's death about 8 years ago. He was not convicted for that, but was for drugs. Now he's serving an OVI sentence and is to be released Wednesday. D19 has stars in her eyes for this guy. I have never seen her act this way over anybody else before. Sigh. I hope he's not violent, that is my biggest fear.

Ss17 are bouncing merrily along. Thank goodness for that lol.

I am mulling, pondering, waiting and watching. Really trying to narrow my focus to the here and now. And am feeling a lot of anger, a lot of hate for H. Maybe for me too? A difference (thanks to DB and the fantastic folks on the boards) is that I'm not ignoring this feeling. I acknowledge it, I own it. It is just a feeling, and I know feelings are temporary, so I am waiting for it to pass. And while I wait I watch the scales, weigh out the good and the bad, take some I once thought was one or the other and place it on the opposite scale.

smile The waters are dark, swirling and foamy here lol. Sailors advisory in effect.

And now its time for fastfoodland job.

Peace to all! Take care!

~~Jaye~~


Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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Jaye

How wonderful to hear from you!

I have been thinking of you.

Life has been more than a little full for all of us these days. And I think the stress cracks are beginning to show. Mine are more like stress craters.

You have lots on your plate. And I am finding that life doesn't stop so that we can deal with the crap. Life is the crap.

Love to you, my friend. I will throw you a lifejacket any time you fall overboard.

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Hi Jaye - good to hear from you smile

Was thinking about your question, a very interesting one to say the least.

My answer is absolutely yes - and not just because of our children together.

My H has hurt me deeply, more than I ever thought possible. He's treated me quite terribly at times during this crisis.

Yet, I have asked myself - is that really him? The guy I married?
Definitely not.

I have wished a lot of things. Wished I handled some things differently in my M and in my life. Wished that my H didn't have to suffer with his health problems. Wished that I had worked on me a lot sooner than during this.

But I can honestly say I never wished I didn't marry my H.

I really have no idea how this is all going to go, how my story will end with H.

I know the waters are stormy right now J, but it will pass. You can do this.
Glad to see you still have that sense of humor smile


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
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You've have a lot going on in your life these past few weeks. You do sound more detached and grounded. You are absolutely right about living in the here and now because you sure can't change anything that happened in the past and the future...well, it's not here yet.

I think you are handling your situation quite well. I'm sorry to hear that your S20 fretting over his skinned knee. Your h shouldn't suggest things to him to make him feel even more fretful. I do hope your son can move on from this situation.

Well, your daughter certainly went about moving out in a very strange way. Maybe she thought someone would talk her out of it...it'll be interesting to see if she actually tells you why she moved the way that she did. Oh, my, I don't think this guy is going to be any good for her, but she's got to learn the hard way. I do hope she'll be okay.

Ss17 sounds like he's in a good place. How is he doing in school?

What about you? How are the jobs coming along? How are you doing?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi TVS, Portia and Job!

TVS and Portia I just visited your threads and my goodness but you both are having a time of it. Things have, on the surface, been quiet here. Probably just means we're over due for a storm.

Job, I'd check on your thread but you're of course way too cool for a thread cool

But, I'll answer your questions here, and thank you so much for asking!


S20 is about a 5 or 6 on his anxiety scale right now. His fears are of course irrational, H feels he should be able to talk S20 out of them. The only person in H's world entitled to issues of any sort is H. The rest of us are just defective. X "shouldn't" bother us. S20 would benefit from therapy of some sort I am sure. He is a bit of a worry. And there is such a tension between him and H cry Its very hard for me to witness.

I think you are right, or close to it regarding D19's move. I'm sure she felt there would be disapproval of some sort. When she mentioned a possible move out several weeks ago my only comment was it would be best if she saved up some money first. She of course didn't do that lol. But she's always been a learn by experience kind of person. Tell her the stove is hot and she'll find out just how hot.

Ss 17 are doing well in school. S17B (the one who went to Florida) got straight A's for the first 9 weeks. S17B had all A's but one C. They are busy with school and their own fast food jobs while on break from school sports. But S17B does play on an indoor soccer rec league.

And about me. I am still at both jobs. Wonderfuljob has amped up a bit in the responsibility part. It seems the boss is, to many, difficult to work with/for. (Really? I hadn't noticed! Lol, you wanna see a difficult person? I can show you a difficult person...) 2 people have quit since I have been there, and another declined an opportunity because she'd heard too many rumors.

I am not thrilled with the status quo because I am always tired and rarely have down time. While I resent H's leaving at his convenience for the casino I do enjoy the break from his presence. H prattles on about future plans; I don't think he's planning on going anywhere. Although its only been a few weeks since a blow up with S20 ended with H yelling "I'm outta here the first chance I get! Just say the word and I'm gone!" (Eye roll. As if!)

I identify strongly with TVS's most recent posting. I have the feeling as long as I continue to pretend everything is hunky dory the sitch could go on indefinitely. Somehow this comes down to being on me, this break up/continuation of the M. Abdication of responsibility on H's part? Assumption of responsibility on my part?

I'm left pondering all the rights and wrongs. And just what is right? And what rights do I have? I did have an epiphany while doing dishes at fastfoodland today. It comes down, at least in part, to me determining whether or not I can be happy, or at peace, with whatever decision I make. (Fast Food Filosophy?) And I don't have an answer yet. I can, on some days, see living unhappily ever after with H. But would I be happier without H? I really don't know. I'll save you the keystrokes Job "Wait quietly and the answers will come to you." Sigh. But I wanna know NOW! I know something will happen sooner or later, things will shift, my perspective will change and those "answers" will surface. But by then I'll probably have different questions....

Oh, and here's an interesting update on the in-laws. They seem to be doing somewhat better of late. But MIL still has excruciating pain that has not been successfully addressed by therapy, medication or acupuncture. So, they are now experimenting with medical marijuana. grin Because of my brother's addiction issues I am pretty far in the anti-drug camp. But ya know, I can't think of two people who more need to get stoned.....

Ah well. I need to get some laundry done. Thank you everyone for stopping by. This board is so very awesome. I don't feel I "need" it like I did in the early days, but I'm so glad I found it and am welcomed back when I drop in now and again.

Blessings smile


Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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I wanted to check on how you're doing, and found your "new" thread Jaye, sorry. Holy cow you have a lot going on in your life. I can see you have got the DBing down pat with handling your kids. Poor S20, I remember in nursing school certain students always thought they had which ever disease we were currently studying. It must be so frightening for him. And...D19's new relationship must be so frightening for YOU. Your in-laws experimenting with medical marijuana (is that legal in Canada?). The twins, although seemingly doing well, teenagers always need a lot of love and guidance. Your jobs, and so-called difficult boss. And most of all your H. Portia's stress cracks are a-showin' !

This sure touched a chord with me:
"I identify strongly with TVS's most recent posting. I have the feeling as long as I continue to pretend everything is hunky dory the sitch could go on indefinitely. Somehow this comes down to being on me, this break up/continuation of the M. Abdication of responsibility on H's part? Assumption of responsibility on my part?

I'm left pondering all the rights and wrongs. And just what is right? And what rights do I have? I did have an epiphany while doing dishes at fastfoodland today. It comes down, at least in part, to me determining whether or not I can be happy, or at peace, with whatever decision I make. (Fast Food Filosophy?) And I don't have an answer yet. I can, on some days, see living unhappily ever after with H. But would I be happier without H? I really don't know."


You got me worrying - maybe this is my life too. I cannot see my H and RT continuing their skype love fest sessions indefinitely, but what if he picks up ever new EAs and PAs to replace her, as he had the past four years? How will we know when enough is enough? If we never feel that we are done, will we be living unhappily forever after as you ask?

But Jaye, this is the truism here:
"I'll save you the keystrokes Job "Wait quietly and the answers will come to you." Sigh. But I wanna know NOW! I know something will happen sooner or later, things will shift, my perspective will change and those "answers" will surface. But by then I'll probably have different questions...."

We need to trust the process Jaye. We need to sit quietly, as Job prescribes. Every time I gotten into a spinning frenzy (and you know I do it a lot smile ) if I am able to sit myself down and think and pray quietly, some answers come to me. Maybe not the final answers, but the answer that is needed at that moment, to get thru that moment of pain.

You are incredibly strong, to be able to deal with all that is being thrown at you right now. You are awesome! smile


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Just stopping by to say hi, Jaye.

Your daughter's boyfriend situation would scare the heck out of me. I'm glad Ss 17 are doing well in school. It must be so hard to live with irrational anxiety. I hope S20 is doing better, or at least has some respite from his fears.


<<But I wanna know NOW! >> This sure does force us to learn how to be patient, doesn't it?

But I think the further on we get in this, it's easier to look at the situation more dispassionately, so that we can make those right decisions, the ones we can be at peace with.



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