Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

[lovethehub]

CBT,

I agree with Fade in one aspect and that is that seeing OM still brings back a lot of feelings for me. I rarely see him so it is basically a non-issue but, that being said, when I ran into him in the grocery store a few months ago, it did bring back that rush for me and I thought about him for a couple of days. I also tell my H there is 'nothing there', but, before you get upset - there really isn't. Yes, on the rare occasion that I see him those feelings come rushing back but when I don't, he isn't even a thought in my head. So even though "no feeling whatsoever" may not be 100% true, it doesn't mean she is sitting around longing for him every day.

However, even though I got the rush, I removed myself as quickly as I could because I am NOT willing to go there again and risk my M. I have even filled in at the place I worked (where I met OM and most things took place) a few times and I know that, even if I saw him and had any feelings, I WOULD NOT act upon them. I am HAPPY with H, I love where we are and we are going and I am not willing to risk it. If I were, we wouldn't be here and (my opinion only) if your W was still willing to risk your M for OM, I don't think you would have made this much progress. Like I said, only going by my experience but it's a lot of work to put in if you really don't want to be there.

Think of it like this - in all of your years of M, were you ever attracted to someone else? Even someone you met in passing? You didn't act on it because your M was good.

If you M is good, W will not act on any feelings that may remain. People have A's when their M's are bad (except for serial cheaters who cheat no matter what and that isn't W).

[cbtdad]

LTH,
Thank you for your post. Your insights help a great deal.
I have become aware that I have not healed from this yet and I realize its going to take time. It's made me a lot more patient now.
I completely get what you are saying. I think my wifes reaction the next day was one of excitement. I can read her body language so well. She doesn't communicate so well, but speaks loudly with her body language and eyes.
The day after she saw him and we discussed it could tell he really didn't have any emotions about it at all. It's why part of me is thinking someday i might be fine with her being around OM if we all in the same place. She knows i will never be ok with her being around him when in not around. She respects that and we have moved on from that discussion.
The part you talk about being in a happy marriage is spot on.
The happier we become i begin to not even think about this at all.
I know how this happened. It's not my fault, but I understand how we got to where we are at. My wife is a "relationship" person. Serial cheater is even remotely a thought. So as long as we are in a good place the trust will get stronger

[jp787]

Hey CBT, how are things?

[cbtdad]

Work work work!! Lol
I am working all the time. Things at the home front are very good.
MC is impressed with how much better we are communicating. W is even opening up her feelings and letting her guard down.
We are now starting to get into behavioral patterns in our marriage. This is what the MC has us moving to next. We need to really work on the dynamic of our marriage. As he said there behaviors we learned from watchin our parents, who our both divorced, that works in the dynamic of these things.
Thanks for asking JP! Hope things are going well with you

[cbtdad]

Well I seem to be coming to a crossroad in my marriage. The W and i have been having a really tough time since Saturday night and of course it all stems from the past. Saturday night she went to a friends house who is mutual friends with OM. She went with my son because I had to work and she ended up staying the night there. The couple also has a 4 year old son. This couple is friends with the other couple that we have become close with. Originally I had told my W a few months ago at the time that if she wanted to be around this group of people we could see how it goes, but that I had no interest in gettting to know any other people that are connected to OM. It brought up so much hurt and anger Saturday night that I sent a text to her and it was about as honest as I could get. The text was as follows:
"You have no respect for my feelings and you proved it tonight. I couldnt have made it more clear this afternoon and you said, "yI get it" yet your actions are dictated by everyone else. Im serious W. Im sorry. I cant be in a marriage that I feel I have no respect. I will never be ok with any of this and tjis just proved it tonight. I just cant do this anymore. It's been 6 months and I cant even get you to say you're married to me on facebook. You wont wear your wedding ring. You cant say you love me. You want nothing to do with me sexually. You continue to hang out with people who are all connected to a guy that you had strong feelings for and argue with me why thats ok. All at the same time without showing me any affection unless i beg for it. This just doesnt seem to be something that will last long term. Thants as honest as it gets"
The response that night: " Whatever cbtdad. Im wearing my ring and I never planned on spending the night. I never said what time I would be home either. At this point you ruin any good time can have and would rather me be miserable"

move forward to this morning. I asked her to do something for me and she got upset quickly. I told her that I was leaving for work adn that I was going to get a hotel room and use sometime alone to think about things. Because we are set to sign a loan on the house Thursday morning and now Im worried about doing that at the moment. I get a text from her when I get to work, "I love you it kills me each time you do this"
She seems to always do this when she can tell Im at the end of my rope. This same couple is throwing a Christmas party in a couple weeks, which of course I will be working and even if i wasnt I do not want to go.
Anyways I asked the wife if she was planning on attending.
she says yes she would like to go.
I have beem straight up with her how much anxiety i have anytime she is around anything or anyone that has connections to OM. I have told her that I am trying so hard to move on from the past. It will never fully go away because of the horse industry and I have compromised on being friends with the one couple that she is close woth the wife, even going on a cruise with them in Feb.
But ive told her she is just compouding the problem by getting to know more people that are connected to OM and hanging out with them.
At this point I feel like I am about to become a WAS. I did something MWD should never do, but I sent her a text and told her to decide between that part of your life or this marriage. To let me know when I get home.
I am so tired frustrated with all of this. I feel like she doesnt care how painful it is. We dont discuss a lot of these issues when we should and it starts to build resentment in me, especially the lack of sex and sexual interest towards me.
Then unfortunately something snaps and my anger comes out again.
Maybe I am being controlling. Im sure thats how the W sees it. But I feel like I have compromised as much as I can with this.
Anyways, glad I got all that out.

[jp787]

CBT,

I’m sorry to hear all of this, you know posting here is a safe place to vent and I am glad you did.

Please do not engage your W until you are able to calm yourself down more.

Still seeing an MC and IC? I sure hope so.

It sounds like there are several issues that need addressed still, take some time and cool off, we both know when we are emotionally charges it only makes things worse.

I am finding out that Piecing is very hard and trying. Slow down for a while.

You’re in my thoughts

[cbtdad]

Thanks JP!
I don't want to walk away, but I am at a point that it is so hard to continue when you love someone so much and want to be with that person, but the feelings just dont seem to be mutual. We are still in MC and seeing him every Thursday. The funny things is we make progress, then something like this happens and we end up having to spend a few sessions going over all the saem things. Thats the problems, the issues havent changed. She doesnt seem to do anything to try and change it no matter how much I tell her certain things bother me or important to me.

[lovethehub]

CBT,

I went through the same thing and it wasn't because I wanted to be with OM. I wanted the friends I had made, I wanted to hang out and have a good time and when H asked me to stop going to the one place where I could have a great time no matter what, I resented it. Originally I didn't go, then I started going when he wouldn't know. It wasn't the same because of the guilt and the stress I would be 'caught' so I resented him even more. At least your W is being honest with you. Also, as I moved further and further towards R with him, this became less important and I did get to the point where I wouldn't go anywhere near the place, even if he wasn't going to know, because I didn't want to do that to him, didn't want to lie and didn't want him to feel the pain he would feel if he did find out. My point is that even though I didn't want to give up what made me happy, it didn't mean I didn't care about H's feelings. I also felt (very strongly) that by him telling me to give up what was important to me that he felt his feelings were more important than mine. Why are these friends important to her? Are they the only people she knows in the area because you are new there? If so, who else would she spend time with? You are asking her to give up what makes her happy to make you happy. I am not saying either of you are right or wrong. I understand the spouse who had an A needs to show the other spouse they are trustworthy. I also know that, for me, I felt dead inside for years until I had my A and then that opened up something inside of me that I wasn't willing to give up. You have to find out what she is getting from these relationships. Is it something you can help her get somewhere else?

As for sex and touch, that also took me a while. Again, not because I didn't want to be with H or want my M to work, it just did. I don't know the whole reason. I know that, for me, part of it was because we barely had sex before my A and then after it was 'so important' to him that I didn't believe that..otherwise we would have been having sex for the 3 years prior. I also wasn't in the 'mood' to have sex with H most of the time. When I would think about sex with him, I wanted it but then we would start to have sex and I was almost repulsed by his touch. I don't have any insight as to why because I never discussed it with a counselor but at the time I know that I thought it was because I didn't believe he would ever let the past go and we still had a lot to work through. It did improve but it took a while..now it is much, much better and I initiate as often, if not more, than H.

Don't beat yourself up for the text, sometimes you need to be honest and when you are rebuilding your M, it is important. At the same time, I also felt that way when H would be a 'downer' about something I was doing. It always made me feel that nothing would ever be different.

I don't know the answer, I can just relate to where your W is and what you to know that it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care for your feelings or your M.

[cbtdad]

Thank you LTH!!!
As usual you come through at the right time:)
The insight you give from you own experience is so invaluable. It helps me see it from her side.
Yes, we are new to area. So these are friends that she knows.
Plus I'm working a lot now and she says its lonely so she wants to be around people when she has the opportunity to do so
I'm headed home to talk to her
I'll update later. Thanks!!

[cbtdad]

Well talk with W last night was very productive. LTH your insight was priceless, thank you. We really discussed the whole situation and how hard everything is. W brought up a bunch of points about the things she is doing that I don't seem to notice. But after she pointed then out it definitely made things look different. I told her I'm not sure exactly how to handle these friendships because I realize she is lonely. Like she said, "she just wants some time with adults"
I told her its very tough because her making me happy means she would be unhappy. We are going to just try and have to figure out compromises as things come up. Starting with Christmas party next Friday that she really wants to go to . It starts at 6, I work till at least 9. My suggestion was that she goes at 6 and leaves at 9 when I get off to meet me at home.
Anyways, train seems to be back on the tracks.
Had the best sex last night since we've been back together. That was a plus:)