I can't believe I am posting in THIS forum....

[i_will_be_fine]

I am a very old DB'er. Back in 2005 H had an affair, moved to a different state and had a daughter with OW. The thought of D never crossed my mind. I was on the Mid-Life Crisis forum every day. I wish I could pull up my old threads, under the username kellyagain, but the webmaster said there was a fire and my threads are gone.

I DB'ed for 2 years, got a job, went back to college, completely moved forward with my life, always knowing I would get him back. It was when I finally started dating again he came home.

That was about 6 years ago. Over the last year he was caught in an online EA. Said he was sorry, blah blah blah... I believed him. Turns out he is not, he damn near started another EA/PA last month, except I snooped and caught him.

So I want out. I deserve to get out. But I am trapped in a few ways. First I am financially devastated and I feel I will never be financially ok (we have 3 children, he has more...)

But more importantly, I am terrified. We married 16 years ago and dated 2 years before then. I haven't a clue how to move on. Yet, I want to so bad...

[MrBond]

Sorry you find yourself back on here. So for your H, has he been remorseful? Has he said that he wouldn't do it again or did he just brush you off?

[i_will_be_fine]

H is very remorseful. Promises me he loves me more then anything. Promises to do anything to make up for his "mistake".

I am stuck because just about everything he does now annoys me, however I am not sure my dumb brain can fathom a life without him.

I told him 2 days ago I want a D. He was distraught, now blaming me saying there is an OM. Ridiculous...

I do keep wondering why I turned here. This site was the single most helpful, supportive and amazing tool when I was DB'inb... But now I want the opposite, I want the Big D.

[MrBond]

You're the way you are now because he broke the trust with you. Simple as that. Him having an A which resulted in a child is a HUGE betrayal for anyone. There was probably a part of you that couldn't completely trust him, so when he broke trust again, you weren't that surprised.

Bottom line is that only you will know what you will tolerate. Did the two of you ever go to C after the first time?

[i_will_be_fine]

We did. After the first time we took all the steps suggested to get back on track. Saw C, went on date nights, talked about our R, worked together on issues with the kids, house, money, etc. Then we started playing these online games together and it was fun. But I got bored and he met other players...

True, our marriage was never, ever the same after that first time, in some ways it was worse, in others it was better.

I have never, ever gone back to the place where I rely on him in any way for my happiness. I fought my way from a stay at home mother to an outstanding profession working at a university. This means all 3 of my kids get free college when they grow up. It also means I get free college.

Not many people I work with here take the courses, even though they are free. But I am always signed up for the maximum I can take. And I take everything, Biology, Physics, metal working, history... you get the picture.

Since I started DB'ing all those years ago, I have never stopped constantly trying to do things for me. Almost obsessively. So our marriage was better that way. He did not have the pressure of being my whole world.. no my whole universe, like he used to be.

Our marriage was worse in the fact that I never really trusted him after that first time. It could be argued that me not being able to trust him drove the wedge between us that enabled him to mess around again. However, I disagree.

The pain I felt the first time was so incredible there is no way ANYONE could go through that and just open themselves up fully for that again.

But that does not give him an excuse in the slightest to do it again. I was not mean, cold, distant or unloving. Since my first round of DB'ing, I no longer allow him to get me to the point where I am any of those things.

He has managed to break through and make me confused. I don't need him. I have proven that a thousand different ways. He is like a cigarette. I quit smoking 15 days ago. Smoking never did anything but hurt me, but I want a cigg so bad right now I can barely stand it. That is how I feel about my husband. I don't want him, and I am scared to let him go.

[AJM]

Seems a few people that left and came back are here again. Sorry to see that.

I was talking last night to a friend in a similar situation. She was dating this guy for over a year. They had a very deep connectio and a very firm understanding of boundaries. Her first husband left in MLC la la land. Very angry, etc. The boyfriend is a serial cheater from way back (complicated) and has been divorced for about 10 years now. She knew it was a possiblity. He knew it would end things. He did it anyway. She's in a lot of pain and while she knows she can't be with him and help him fix his sh*t, she is in pain because she does love him. It's kind of sad really. She wants him, but knows she can't because it'll be years of pain.

Sounds kind of like that's where you are. Still addicted to it, but knowing it's not working for you.

How do you get out of that? Start with figuring out what really does or does not work for you and how you're going to get it. The finances? Not as important right now.

The fear? What's the fear of? That he won't talk to you again? That you won't find somebody else? That you won't be happy without him? Fear of being successful without him? Or how the kids will view you? What is it?

AJ

[i_will_be_fine]

Thanks AJM

I am positive that question is why I came back to this site. When I first started DB'ing I had zero answers but a million questions. Mostly my first questions were "What is he thinking now? What is he doing now?"

I took a long time but I learned to start asking "What am I thinking now? What am I doing now?" I was not the model DB'er and was slapped many times here until I finally woke up. (Lovingly of course)

Again, I have a million questions with no logical answer.

I lost blood, sweat and tears fighting for this M. Years of it. Was it all for nothing? (besides the fact I am OK)

I am not afraid he will not speak to me again. Just tonight I left the house for a few hours. He had no idea where I was, and when I got home he tried to find out. "How was class?" Of course he knew I was not in class. I simply replied "I did not have class tonight." Then I made myself dinner. He will not stop speaking to me because he is still in his pleading stage. My fear here is my own response. I did not want him to speak to me.

I was not cold or mean, but really I just wanted him to leave me alone. That was a scary feeling.

I am petrified that I wont find someone else. I am a hacking computer geek. Not really a social butterfly. I am not trying to sound vain, but I think I am very pretty. I also feel I am pretty smart, and funny. But I have 3 kids and money woes. The kind of man I want would never want that much baggage. Yes that is a monsterous fear.

He cant make me successful or not, he lost all power in that dep't the second I started DB'ing. My job is the second greatest part of my life (after kids).

I know I will be miserable. I have been there before. That pain is not easy to forget, and I am the one choosing it this time. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am scared to stay because his actions hurt. I am scared to leave because that hurts. I am scared of hurting, yet I am still hurting.

I have had a huge lump in the back of my throat for weeks.

I just wish someone would sit me down and say "If you do this, this and this, all of your pain will go away."

[i_will_be_fine]

Having a great day today. Me and the kids got up early today. My D14 had to be at school an hour early so after I dropped her off I took D13 and S9 to breakfast. We ate in the car because we tend to get a bit rowdy

My car lost a fight with a fire hydrant today so I will need to get this repaired. This is completely stupid, but I feel very good because I handled the whole thing easily. I did not turn to H for any help. I called the insurance co and the shop, etc. They all asked me questions that only someone with a Y chromosome could answer, but we got to the end somehow.

I am trying to remember what it is I need him for. But I am not putting too much effort into it.

I have been playing facebook games a lot recently, so today I had to unfriend him. It was not pleasant to see his name or pict every few minutes as I played. I feel a bit free-er and lighter after clicking that UNFRIEND button.

I remember it being said that a WAS is in a "fog" but to be honest, it feels like I am seeing things so much more clearly.

My biggest hurdle now is money. How can I get out of our house? I just got paid today and it looks like I am going to have to choose between groceries and Halloween costumes... So I wont be taking any steps now to get out of the house. Maybe next check magic money will fall into my account .

[AJM]

Hmm... Cars and hydrants don't mix it up very well. Always at least one loser in that game.

WAS in a fog? Is that like a donkey on a waffle? Seems kind of like it. But just to play things back to you, based on your story as you told it:
You caught H in an affair years back. He moved away with OW, had a love-child, and then eventually came back to you and the kids.
During the time he was gone, you re-invented and re-focused yourself and now have a new career as a hackstress/computer geek. Who has some free time to play FB.
You caught H in an EA and possible EA/PA at the early stages. You snooped, but we don't yet know what the reason you felt you needed to snoop. You did though, and you caught him doing the same things again.
Since H's return you don't feel like you ever really repaired things with him. He doesn't seem to think so either, but that's just guessing.
You feel trapped by money and habit. And you're worried you won't find somebody else (particular type of guy) because you have too much baggage although you do consider yourself .

Is that pretty accurate?

A couple of things come to mind:
Your idea that you are a WAS in the traditional sense is likely not very accurate.
Your analytical mind that tells you that the guy you (think) you want won't want you because of the baggage has me intrigued. I think there's a lot to be figured out in that sentence. Note, I'm not a doctor, although I sometimes play one on the internet But seriously, a lot comes to mind there. You are going to make up somebody else's mind about what they want or don't want? You're going to pre-suppose you know what you want and that person is a bit shallow and unable to deal with baggage? Are you sure that's the kind of person you want to be with?
Are you sure you want to be with somebody else right now? As a suggestion, I don't think you should. I think you have some grieving to do yet.

I deserve to get out.

Really? You deserve something like that? Not sure I understand that concept, but maybe you just want out so badly that it feels you should get it becuase the world owes you or something? I dunno. I'm thinking that thought process could use some work and you may want to revisit that idea later. As far as I'm concerned you deserve what you work for. Nothing less and nothing more. Perhaps there's more to the story as well, but that kind of thinking is dangerous, right?

Look. He broke the trust. He chose to do what he did. Several times that you know about. You are in the process of choosing what you will and won't accept from him or anyone. You are worried about finances (who isn't?) and you're worried you may not find somebody else because, in the past you weren't the most sociable gal about town. But you shouldn't worry about either of those as much as worrying about your own well-being. By that I suggest you figure out your feelings and how you'll face them. Being annoyed by him is not a reason to leave. Not having the trust, cheating, etc. Well, that's a different kettle of fish.

Not going because you are afraid? That's not going to end well and you know it.

I remember it being said that a WAS is in a "fog" but to be honest, it feels like I am seeing things so much more clearly.

and truly crazy people feel like they are normal and it's everyone else. Slippery slope when you do that. Be careful of just feeling something vs. challenging it as well. You may be seeing things more clearly as you detach. Or... But I urge you to take the time to figure it out for yourself.

I think if you boil it all down, you're still there because of some fears that you'll have to face. I also think you should consider not dating nor worrying about dating anyone for a while until you have had some time to focus on you in the sense that you are free and clear of the confusion.

Peace,
AJ

[i_will_be_fine]

Hiya AJ.

Thanks for dropping by

Most excellent summary. Reinvented just sounds so whimpy in my case. I am a completely different person then the thing I was in 2004. Yep, I snooped. He had been spending more and more time online and I wanted to know what was so much more interesting then a flesh and blood wife.

I think I am being overly dramatic when I say EA... There was no ILY's or commitments, mostly picts and sexting. Still, way past any boundry I am OK with. That day I packed the kids and left. I moved in with my mother. She is my mom, and I love her, but that whole environment is dripping with negativity. All day and night that woman complains. My kids became the focus of her complaints.

He seemed genuinely sorry. I hated staying at my mom's. I really wanted my normal life back so we moved back home. Things were fantastic! Honeymoonish even, if you can remember what that is like. Again, he slowly started spending more time online. I looked, sure enough I found too much. No commitments, no ILY's, no sexting, just a plan to meet one member of an online group in a game he played, who happens to be female. The wording of the promise to meet was too familiar.

He cancelled the meeting. He said he realized where this was heading, and cancelled. Great. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. He had been spending so much time online that I was alone in my bed every night. Some nights he would come up all happy and frisky and ML, then leave and go back to the game. All those lonely nights added up and I started to brode over the entire M. Mostly the bad times.

You can trust me when I say I am not interested in starting any new R. Period. But I am a healthy 40 year old woman. I am certainty not interested in living the rest of my life alone, or living like a nun until I die. When I walk out, eventually I will want to meet "him". (That is the great big teddy bear who knows how to use a hammer that I dream of).

The kids... yes, that is a real fear. Staying might show them that it is important to stand by and be there when someone you love makes a mistake, or staying my show them that it is OK to allow someone to not respect you... Leaving could mean that any stability I have promised over the years has been a lie, or it could mean if you are in a sit you don't like, it is up to you to change it. How upset are they going to be when I uproot them?

Finances... that seems an impossible hurdle, but I like impossible

[AJM]

Ok. So you like a challenge. I admire that. You notice things aren't as gloomy as you vented about. Good.

But there are some things you need to be very very sure of. Some you already are. Some you seem to figuring out.

I get that you want to be loved differently. You want what most of us want - to be in a healthy and respectful relationship with someone we trust.

My background. I come at this a little differently. I was in a marriage for 20 years. My ex decided she wanted to leave, to date other people, etc. A little later she decided it was all my fault and she "deserved to be a little bit selfish and to be happy". This all happened (the viewable part) in the space of 9 months. It's been years now, and she's still processing the divorce and her actions. I get "postcards" from the queen of happiness from time to time

My goal when I'm talking this out with you is to help you work through and separate the emotional "I've been hurt and deserve better" from the self-protection (that naturally occurs) things that go through your head. The reason I think that's important is so you don't look back and wonder. So you don't see the future as something bleak and impossible. I don't think either of those is a good way to go.

Only you and your H can make the decision as to whether or not it's unfixable. One or both of you can make that decision and it has the same effect. But it would really suck for all concerned if you were on the fence about any of it.

It doesn't sound like you're on the fence about too much. But you don't sound 100% sure either. That's the curse of an analytical mind, no?

I suspect you're kind of like me in the sense that as you talk things out, it helps you to think them through to completion. I also don't get the sense you change your mind very often once it's made up. Just a guess.

If that doesn't help, please let me know. I'm happy to help as much as I can. I realize nothing is cut and 100% dry in life. There are always what-ifs. But life isn't that tough or complicated. Decisions get made and then you live with them even if it's not what you wanted.

Trust is a tough one. If you can't rebuild the trust, either because you're unwilling or unable (that's a two-way street), it's really hard to build a relationship. Even if that's what you want. I feel for ya.

Just be sure you're seeing things clearly, ok? That way you don't have a mess of things to deal with later. And believe me, no matter how you go forward, you'll have things to deal with as it concerns H. If you have to also deal with your own stuff, it will be that much harder.

Peace,
AJ

[i_will_be_fine]

Went to a movie with S9 and H yesterday. I had fun with S, and wish I could have left H at home. He told me at the end of the night how nice it was. I couldn't agree so I just kinda grunted.

I started moving things in my bedroom around quietly today. I will get a small storage unit and start moving my stuff out. I pay the rent here because he is horrible with money. So my plans now are to try and get me and the kids a very tiny apartment. If I can possibly swing it, I will keep this place for one month after I get the other one to give us a long month to make the move.

Even if we move to the worst part of the city it will take no less then 6 months of scraping and saving to have enough.

I could maybe build and sell some websites to help, but, I don't have too much faith in that. I can build a site in my sleep, but I couldn't sell a bucket of water to a man on fire. When my babies were still babies I made nice money in web design. Heck, I had one jeweler pay me 10k a quarter for my updates. But I only ever seen/spoke to that guy once. My H was the one to negotiate and get the checks. I just pounded code.

Tonight I had a pleasurable evening watching The First Wives club

And now I will fall asleep watching She Devil. Wish they had War of the Roses on Netflix.

[Ambivalent]

IWBF...rather than uproot the kids, why don't you ask him to leave? This way they aren't dealing with three emotional whammies simultaneously.

They will be dealing with you two and those repercussions. A new school, and environment. And the added stress of dealing with a whole new social situation. One of those is stressful enough add two more and YOU may find that you have more problems that are necessary. Give yourself time, and give your children a stable environment while you work on things.

If you have detached so much at this point, what is wrong with staying where you are?

If you ask him to move out, then there is 2/3 less stress on the children, and eventually yourself. This is one of those things that when someone is not thinking clearly can cause a lot more harm than good. You are the one at present who is feeling like running away. Why not use the money to get some counseling? Let him get a place, or possibly help him find one.

[i_will_be_fine]

Thanks Ambivalent.

Staying isn't an option, I crunched the numbers every way possible. We will be going from 2 incomes to one. I will get some support, but H does not make a lot of money at all. I pay all major bills. So we will both need to move.

The kids will not leave their school. They go to a private school and I have sacrificed everything there is to get them there. I had job offers from many local companies willing to pay me 25-50% more then my current income, but I work at a local university solely because no matter what happens in this world, all three of my children get a free college education. Their school dictates almost everything I do. H is financially not helpful in any way. He pays for bills like cable and cell phones because he is almost always negative and we can live if those get shut off.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how he is going to live once I leave. But that is not my problem right now. He is a grown man. Maybe he can move in with one of his online girl friends. He made (then cancelled) a date with one that lives only 40 minutes away just last month.

Today was eventful. All 5 of us packed up a ton of stuff from the basement and took it out for the trash. I hate moving with a passion so I am trying to get rid of everything I possibly can now. I still cant figure out why H helped. I kept telling him to go back to his computer, that we were ok. but he would not leave... He got a large pile done himself, which I should be happy about. But he had already ticked me off so thoroughly this morning that I was shaking with anger and I had to leave the house to pull myself together.

It was a stupid reason to be angry really. My H's PC broke this morning while he was playing it. He asked me to fix it. I did. But I was really annoyed that he asked me to fix it. He wanted to play that d@%m game where his girlfriends are... So I came up to my room when I was done fixing it and was shocked at how angry I was. Whether my anger was logical or not, it was real. I don't have the time or patience to sit here angry so I decided I would need to tell H that I am sorry, but when his PC breaks, he will need to find someone else to repair it.

So I went back down hoping to have a calm, adult discussion asking him to not come to me with this problem anymore. He wears a headset while he plays so he can talk to his "team". His mic is always open, so when I went to him, I did not say anything. I stood right beside him and patiently waited for him to turn off his mic so I could talk to him. I waited... and waited... and waited... He continued to talk to his team. OMG I was livid.

I calmly left the kitchen and the house and I let the anger take me for a while. Once I was sure I was under complete control I went back to the house and up to my room. Within minutes he had the nerve to come up to our room asking me what I needed. "I am fine, nevermind." "Are you sure? Just tell me what you need, anything, I will get it."

I was still angry enough to want to say "I want you to go die" instead I hitched a smile on my face and nicely told him I did not need a thing from him.

After all that work and anger, I decided to take my girls to the book store, just to browse. We were there for almost 2 hours Ok, I will fess up now, half my time I spent reading though divorce books. But the other half was at the computer section.

Me and D14 are volunteering at a huge parade this coming weekend, so I finished my day by take her to a meeting so we all know our jobs. On the way home from the meeting me and D got into a huge fight that ended in her crying. It was already 8:15pm when we were driving home. She is supposed to be home every night dur8ing school at 8. She asked if she could go next door to some guys house for a little. I said no. Yep, I am the bad guy. She cried and told me how unfair I am. Yeay it is great ending the day knowing I am a failure as a wife and mother

Trying not to take it all personally. Luckily I go to work tomorrow morning and I can get away from this craziness for a while.

[Ambivalent]

So I went back down hoping to have a calm, adult discussion asking him to not come to me with this problem anymore. He wears a headset while he plays so he can talk to his "team". His mic is always open, so when I went to him, I did not say anything. I stood right beside him and patiently waited for him to turn off his mic so I could talk to him. I waited... and waited... and waited... He continued to talk to his team. OMG I was livid.

okay, I get that you wanted to have a discussion with him, and he didn't respond the way you wanted/expected him.

Did you consider, asking him to turn off his mike?

He has an online gaming addiction. I know because my daughter too had this. It is as real as drugs. Anyway, he was probably at a point where he was trying to pause, and you weren't aware.

He came to you and asked you what you needed. You withdrew! You were not honest with what you wanted. He cannot read your mind! Perhaps this dynamic has been going on for awhile?

Have you worked on this?

[i_will_be_fine]

Thanks Ambivalent

I did ask him to turn his mic off by standing there. It is a normal cue to a gamer. He was not in the middle of a run or an instance, he was sitting in town (sort of a safe zone) just chatting about another player's armor. H

[i_will_be_fine]

(Tablet error )

It was not a misunderstanding, that is why he came up right away.

I do not think it would have been wise to tell him what I wanted when he came up. I was still angry and it could have easily turned into a fight.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I see where the problem lay. It was completely my fault. I was angry about what H did, however, it was my own fault. I fixed his computer. I didn't realize how ticked off I would be, but I could have/should have said no.

I cannot control if he asks me to fix his PC in the future. It was silly of me to attempt it. All I can control is my own actions. If there comes a time in the future he needs this done, and he comes to me, it is then I will politely turn him down. It does not help one bit thinking about what 'might' happen.


I got home pretty late last night. I stayed after for my physics class to talk with the professor. Then I stayed and studied the next chapter. It was because I really just did not want to go home at all. H stayed in every room I went in. He fixed the back gate.

I cannot freely say why, but this was a huge deal. Only, it has been broken for so so long that him FINALLY doing it now only ticked me off. He told me like I was supposed to praise him or something. No one praises me when I do something around the house, why the heck do they feel they are doing me a favor when my kids and H do any work?

He also took care of another huge household problem, again looking for praise. All I want to know is, why now? It has been a big issue for a while, I have begged and pleaded, so why now? Whatever... I am glad it is done, it will make moving that much easier.

I really did try to stay nice last night. My S9 sticks by me almost every night. So my S was there as my H followed me around. I was able to smile and talk normally to both of them, but then H kept trying to touch me. My shoulder, my back, my hand. Ugh.

Thank goodness I have class again tonight. It is a real late evening class so by the time I get home, I can just slip off to bed.

[AJM]

He also took care of another huge household problem, again looking for praise. All I want to know is, why now?

Really? You don't know why? Are you seriously that bent or otherwise focused that you don't know why? Or should we point it out? I'll give you a hint - it's not praise he's looking for per se

Physics? You like to blow things up, too?

Peace,
AJ

[Accuray]

i_will_be_fine,

I have read through this thread. You are so close to H's behavior I don't think you're seeing how far over the line it really is -- don't second guess yourself on that, this guy is *way* out of line.

What game is he playing and why did you decide to stop playing with him? (I'm not saying that was the wrong thing to do, just curious)

WRT your fears, I would feel very confident that you can and will meet someone to have a relationship with when you are ready. Having 3 kids is not baggage, the dating world is very different at 40 than it is at 25. If you're a man looking to date women in their 40's they are going to fall into three categories: (1) Don't have kids but want them, (2) Already have kids, and (3) Don't have kids and don't want any.

You might think that (3) is the most attractive category, but IMO it is not -- as a man I would wonder how she would be with my kids, and I would also worry that she secretly would want kids after we're in a relationship and that would cause problems.

I think if you have well-behaved children they are no baggage at all -- you know what you want, you've been raising your kids, there is no hidden agenda there, if you're confident in who you are it's very attractive.

WRT finances, 3 private school tuitions is a *huge* nut. I understand you're passionate about it, but there are also many excellent public school systems out there. If you move to a town with an excellent school system you might not be sacrificing education quality at all. I would imagine if you made that change you could live quite comfortably since you're covering the majority of the household expenses alone already.

Just something to consider, I'm a "public school system" kid and I've done just fine. I believe it has more to do with your work ethic and how you are raised than with the school itself. A kid who is driven to succeed is going to succeed.

Acc

[Ambivalent]

Iwilb,

He is trying ...and you are choosing to judge his behavior.

He senses and is trying to humble himself.

If both your children and your husband are looking to you for approval, what does this say about how you give it, when you give it, why you give it, and IF you give it?

You are really angry and resentful right now...step back and look within. How are you going to have another relationship, when this one is creating so much anger ?

What is your part in this?

[sandi2]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=6447

I found kellyagain under the MLC archives. I didn't see your original thread for a few pages, but you could start here and hunt through till you find it.

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=6447

I found kellyagain under the MLC archives. I didn't see your original thread for a few pages, but you could start here and hunt through till you find it.

There are a 102 of her posts still on the forum out of the 1043 she made, I dont see what she can find by hunting, the rest are purged.

Sorry but I guess you get to start again with a beginners mind. DB 101

[Crazyville]

IWBF, I can totally relate to so much of what you're posting. I get the private school thing; I get the wanting to go to work or stay at school late; I get not appreciating his doing something "now," when it really no longer matters, when he wouldn't do it when it did; just so much of what you've said, I get.

It really is wonderful of you to post. Not many are brave enough to come here amidst a ton of LBS's and proclaim that they're a WAS wannabe. You don't sound like you're in a fog to me either, especially in light of the fact that there is no OM. This doesn't mean you don't have things to work on, we all do. But it's very nice to hear your perspective on things.

I am curious about one thing, does your H know you're planning on leaving? If he does yet he's still doing the gaming thing, I think you have your answer. If he doesn't, I'm curious why he was helping you clean out the basement?

[adinva]

One thing I see that I think a lot of us LBS's have experienced, at least I did, is that once someone has decided to leave they're almost terrified that things might be salvageable. So the LBS can't win, they svck if they don't change and they svck if they do change because why didn't they change before. It's too hard for the potential WAS to try to drop all the defenses and accept little improvements so they reject. In DB the only solution for that is distance and time. If the WAS can leave and get lots of time alone they can drop some of their own baggage and see a little more clearly what potential there might be to create a better marriage with a changed/changing LBS. It's rare, but it happens.

So maybe you need to just separate for a while and get your space, so you can stop getting more angry at every nice or responsible thing your H does.