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Ok. So you like a challenge. I admire that. You notice things aren't as gloomy as you vented about. Good.

But there are some things you need to be very very sure of. Some you already are. Some you seem to figuring out.

I get that you want to be loved differently. You want what most of us want - to be in a healthy and respectful relationship with someone we trust.

My background. I come at this a little differently. I was in a marriage for 20 years. My ex decided she wanted to leave, to date other people, etc. A little later she decided it was all my fault and she "deserved to be a little bit selfish and to be happy". This all happened (the viewable part) in the space of 9 months. It's been years now, and she's still processing the divorce and her actions. I get "postcards" from the queen of happiness from time to time smile

My goal when I'm talking this out with you is to help you work through and separate the emotional "I've been hurt and deserve better" from the self-protection (that naturally occurs) things that go through your head. The reason I think that's important is so you don't look back and wonder. So you don't see the future as something bleak and impossible. I don't think either of those is a good way to go.

Only you and your H can make the decision as to whether or not it's unfixable. One or both of you can make that decision and it has the same effect. But it would really suck for all concerned if you were on the fence about any of it.

It doesn't sound like you're on the fence about too much. But you don't sound 100% sure either. That's the curse of an analytical mind, no? wink

I suspect you're kind of like me in the sense that as you talk things out, it helps you to think them through to completion. I also don't get the sense you change your mind very often once it's made up. Just a guess.

If that doesn't help, please let me know. I'm happy to help as much as I can. I realize nothing is cut and 100% dry in life. There are always what-ifs. But life isn't that tough or complicated. Decisions get made and then you live with them even if it's not what you wanted.

Trust is a tough one. If you can't rebuild the trust, either because you're unwilling or unable (that's a two-way street), it's really hard to build a relationship. Even if that's what you want. I feel for ya.

Just be sure you're seeing things clearly, ok? That way you don't have a mess of things to deal with later. And believe me, no matter how you go forward, you'll have things to deal with as it concerns H. If you have to also deal with your own stuff, it will be that much harder.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Went to a movie with S9 and H yesterday. I had fun with S, and wish I could have left H at home. He told me at the end of the night how nice it was. I couldn't agree so I just kinda grunted.

I started moving things in my bedroom around quietly today. I will get a small storage unit and start moving my stuff out. I pay the rent here because he is horrible with money. So my plans now are to try and get me and the kids a very tiny apartment. If I can possibly swing it, I will keep this place for one month after I get the other one to give us a long month to make the move.

Even if we move to the worst part of the city it will take no less then 6 months of scraping and saving to have enough.

I could maybe build and sell some websites to help, but, I don't have too much faith in that. I can build a site in my sleep, but I couldn't sell a bucket of water to a man on fire. When my babies were still babies I made nice money in web design. Heck, I had one jeweler pay me 10k a quarter for my updates. But I only ever seen/spoke to that guy once. My H was the one to negotiate and get the checks. I just pounded code.

Tonight I had a pleasurable evening watching The First Wives club smile

And now I will fall asleep watching She Devil. Wish they had War of the Roses on Netflix.

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IWBF...rather than uproot the kids, why don't you ask him to leave? This way they aren't dealing with three emotional whammies simultaneously.

They will be dealing with you two and those repercussions. A new school, and environment. And the added stress of dealing with a whole new social situation. One of those is stressful enough add two more and YOU may find that you have more problems that are necessary. Give yourself time, and give your children a stable environment while you work on things.

If you have detached so much at this point, what is wrong with staying where you are?

If you ask him to move out, then there is 2/3 less stress on the children, and eventually yourself. This is one of those things that when someone is not thinking clearly can cause a lot more harm than good. You are the one at present who is feeling like running away. Why not use the money to get some counseling? Let him get a place, or possibly help him find one.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Thanks Ambivalent.

Staying isn't an option, I crunched the numbers every way possible. We will be going from 2 incomes to one. I will get some support, but H does not make a lot of money at all. I pay all major bills. So we will both need to move.

The kids will not leave their school. They go to a private school and I have sacrificed everything there is to get them there. I had job offers from many local companies willing to pay me 25-50% more then my current income, but I work at a local university solely because no matter what happens in this world, all three of my children get a free college education. Their school dictates almost everything I do. H is financially not helpful in any way. He pays for bills like cable and cell phones because he is almost always negative and we can live if those get shut off.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how he is going to live once I leave. But that is not my problem right now. He is a grown man. Maybe he can move in with one of his online girl friends. He made (then cancelled) a date with one that lives only 40 minutes away just last month.

Today was eventful. All 5 of us packed up a ton of stuff from the basement and took it out for the trash. I hate moving with a passion so I am trying to get rid of everything I possibly can now. I still cant figure out why H helped. I kept telling him to go back to his computer, that we were ok. but he would not leave... He got a large pile done himself, which I should be happy about. But he had already ticked me off so thoroughly this morning that I was shaking with anger and I had to leave the house to pull myself together.

It was a stupid reason to be angry really. My H's PC broke this morning while he was playing it. He asked me to fix it. I did. But I was really annoyed that he asked me to fix it. He wanted to play that d@%m game where his girlfriends are... So I came up to my room when I was done fixing it and was shocked at how angry I was. Whether my anger was logical or not, it was real. I don't have the time or patience to sit here angry so I decided I would need to tell H that I am sorry, but when his PC breaks, he will need to find someone else to repair it.

So I went back down hoping to have a calm, adult discussion asking him to not come to me with this problem anymore. He wears a headset while he plays so he can talk to his "team". His mic is always open, so when I went to him, I did not say anything. I stood right beside him and patiently waited for him to turn off his mic so I could talk to him. I waited... and waited... and waited... He continued to talk to his team. OMG I was livid.

I calmly left the kitchen and the house and I let the anger take me for a while. Once I was sure I was under complete control I went back to the house and up to my room. Within minutes he had the nerve to come up to our room asking me what I needed. "I am fine, nevermind." "Are you sure? Just tell me what you need, anything, I will get it."

I was still angry enough to want to say "I want you to go die" smile instead I hitched a smile on my face and nicely told him I did not need a thing from him.

After all that work and anger, I decided to take my girls to the book store, just to browse. We were there for almost 2 hours smile Ok, I will fess up now, half my time I spent reading though divorce books. But the other half was at the computer section.

Me and D14 are volunteering at a huge parade this coming weekend, so I finished my day by take her to a meeting so we all know our jobs. On the way home from the meeting me and D got into a huge fight that ended in her crying. It was already 8:15pm when we were driving home. She is supposed to be home every night dur8ing school at 8. She asked if she could go next door to some guys house for a little. I said no. Yep, I am the bad guy. She cried and told me how unfair I am. Yeay it is great ending the day knowing I am a failure as a wife and mother smile

Trying not to take it all personally. Luckily I go to work tomorrow morning and I can get away from this craziness for a while.

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Quote:
So I went back down hoping to have a calm, adult discussion asking him to not come to me with this problem anymore. He wears a headset while he plays so he can talk to his "team". His mic is always open, so when I went to him, I did not say anything. I stood right beside him and patiently waited for him to turn off his mic so I could talk to him. I waited... and waited... and waited... He continued to talk to his team. OMG I was livid.


okay, I get that you wanted to have a discussion with him, and he didn't respond the way you wanted/expected him.

Did you consider, asking him to turn off his mike?

He has an online gaming addiction. I know because my daughter too had this. It is as real as drugs. Anyway, he was probably at a point where he was trying to pause, and you weren't aware.

He came to you and asked you what you needed. You withdrew! You were not honest with what you wanted. He cannot read your mind! Perhaps this dynamic has been going on for awhile?

Have you worked on this?


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Thanks Ambivalent smile

I did ask him to turn his mic off by standing there. It is a normal cue to a gamer. He was not in the middle of a run or an instance, he was sitting in town (sort of a safe zone) just chatting about another player's armor. H

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(Tablet error smile )

It was not a misunderstanding, that is why he came up right away.

I do not think it would have been wise to tell him what I wanted when he came up. I was still angry and it could have easily turned into a fight.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I see where the problem lay. It was completely my fault. I was angry about what H did, however, it was my own fault. I fixed his computer. I didn't realize how ticked off I would be, but I could have/should have said no.

I cannot control if he asks me to fix his PC in the future. It was silly of me to attempt it. All I can control is my own actions. If there comes a time in the future he needs this done, and he comes to me, it is then I will politely turn him down. It does not help one bit thinking about what 'might' happen.


I got home pretty late last night. I stayed after for my physics class to talk with the professor. Then I stayed and studied the next chapter. It was because I really just did not want to go home at all. H stayed in every room I went in. He fixed the back gate.

I cannot freely say why, but this was a huge deal. Only, it has been broken for so so long that him FINALLY doing it now only ticked me off. He told me like I was supposed to praise him or something. No one praises me when I do something around the house, why the heck do they feel they are doing me a favor when my kids and H do any work?

He also took care of another huge household problem, again looking for praise. All I want to know is, why now? It has been a big issue for a while, I have begged and pleaded, so why now? Whatever... I am glad it is done, it will make moving that much easier.

I really did try to stay nice last night. My S9 sticks by me almost every night. So my S was there as my H followed me around. I was able to smile and talk normally to both of them, but then H kept trying to touch me. My shoulder, my back, my hand. Ugh.

Thank goodness I have class again tonight. It is a real late evening class so by the time I get home, I can just slip off to bed.

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Quote:
He also took care of another huge household problem, again looking for praise. All I want to know is, why now?
Really? You don't know why? Are you seriously that bent or otherwise focused that you don't know why? Or should we point it out? I'll give you a hint - it's not praise he's looking for per se smile

Physics? You like to blow things up, too?

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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i_will_be_fine,

I have read through this thread. You are so close to H's behavior I don't think you're seeing how far over the line it really is -- don't second guess yourself on that, this guy is *way* out of line.

What game is he playing and why did you decide to stop playing with him? (I'm not saying that was the wrong thing to do, just curious)

WRT your fears, I would feel very confident that you can and will meet someone to have a relationship with when you are ready. Having 3 kids is not baggage, the dating world is very different at 40 than it is at 25. If you're a man looking to date women in their 40's they are going to fall into three categories: (1) Don't have kids but want them, (2) Already have kids, and (3) Don't have kids and don't want any.

You might think that (3) is the most attractive category, but IMO it is not -- as a man I would wonder how she would be with my kids, and I would also worry that she secretly would want kids after we're in a relationship and that would cause problems.

I think if you have well-behaved children they are no baggage at all -- you know what you want, you've been raising your kids, there is no hidden agenda there, if you're confident in who you are it's very attractive.

WRT finances, 3 private school tuitions is a *huge* nut. I understand you're passionate about it, but there are also many excellent public school systems out there. If you move to a town with an excellent school system you might not be sacrificing education quality at all. I would imagine if you made that change you could live quite comfortably since you're covering the majority of the household expenses alone already.

Just something to consider, I'm a "public school system" kid and I've done just fine. I believe it has more to do with your work ethic and how you are raised than with the school itself. A kid who is driven to succeed is going to succeed.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Iwilb,

He is trying ...and you are choosing to judge his behavior.

He senses and is trying to humble himself.

If both your children and your husband are looking to you for approval, what does this say about how you give it, when you give it, why you give it, and IF you give it?

You are really angry and resentful right now...step back and look within. How are you going to have another relationship, when this one is creating so much anger ?

What is your part in this?


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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