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I am a very old DB'er. Back in 2005 H had an affair, moved to a different state and had a daughter with OW. The thought of D never crossed my mind. I was on the Mid-Life Crisis forum every day. I wish I could pull up my old threads, under the username kellyagain, but the webmaster said there was a fire and my threads are gone.

I DB'ed for 2 years, got a job, went back to college, completely moved forward with my life, always knowing I would get him back. It was when I finally started dating again he came home.

That was about 6 years ago. Over the last year he was caught in an online EA. Said he was sorry, blah blah blah... I believed him. Turns out he is not, he damn near started another EA/PA last month, except I snooped and caught him.

So I want out. I deserve to get out. But I am trapped in a few ways. First I am financially devastated and I feel I will never be financially ok (we have 3 children, he has more...)

But more importantly, I am terrified. We married 16 years ago and dated 2 years before then. I haven't a clue how to move on. Yet, I want to so bad...

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Sorry you find yourself back on here. So for your H, has he been remorseful? Has he said that he wouldn't do it again or did he just brush you off?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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H is very remorseful. Promises me he loves me more then anything. Promises to do anything to make up for his "mistake".

I am stuck because just about everything he does now annoys me, however I am not sure my dumb brain can fathom a life without him.

I told him 2 days ago I want a D. He was distraught, now blaming me saying there is an OM. Ridiculous...

I do keep wondering why I turned here. This site was the single most helpful, supportive and amazing tool when I was DB'inb... But now I want the opposite, I want the Big D.

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You're the way you are now because he broke the trust with you. Simple as that. Him having an A which resulted in a child is a HUGE betrayal for anyone. There was probably a part of you that couldn't completely trust him, so when he broke trust again, you weren't that surprised.

Bottom line is that only you will know what you will tolerate. Did the two of you ever go to C after the first time?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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We did. After the first time we took all the steps suggested to get back on track. Saw C, went on date nights, talked about our R, worked together on issues with the kids, house, money, etc. Then we started playing these online games together and it was fun. But I got bored and he met other players...

True, our marriage was never, ever the same after that first time, in some ways it was worse, in others it was better.

I have never, ever gone back to the place where I rely on him in any way for my happiness. I fought my way from a stay at home mother to an outstanding profession working at a university. This means all 3 of my kids get free college when they grow up. It also means I get free college.

Not many people I work with here take the courses, even though they are free. But I am always signed up for the maximum I can take. And I take everything, Biology, Physics, metal working, history... you get the picture.

Since I started DB'ing all those years ago, I have never stopped constantly trying to do things for me. Almost obsessively. So our marriage was better that way. He did not have the pressure of being my whole world.. no my whole universe, like he used to be.

Our marriage was worse in the fact that I never really trusted him after that first time. It could be argued that me not being able to trust him drove the wedge between us that enabled him to mess around again. However, I disagree.

The pain I felt the first time was so incredible there is no way ANYONE could go through that and just open themselves up fully for that again.

But that does not give him an excuse in the slightest to do it again. I was not mean, cold, distant or unloving. Since my first round of DB'ing, I no longer allow him to get me to the point where I am any of those things.

He has managed to break through and make me confused. I don't need him. I have proven that a thousand different ways. He is like a cigarette. I quit smoking 15 days ago. Smoking never did anything but hurt me, but I want a cigg so bad right now I can barely stand it. That is how I feel about my husband. I don't want him, and I am scared to let him go.

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Seems a few people that left and came back are here again. Sorry to see that.

I was talking last night to a friend in a similar situation. She was dating this guy for over a year. They had a very deep connectio and a very firm understanding of boundaries. Her first husband left in MLC la la land. Very angry, etc. The boyfriend is a serial cheater from way back (complicated) and has been divorced for about 10 years now. She knew it was a possiblity. He knew it would end things. He did it anyway. She's in a lot of pain and while she knows she can't be with him and help him fix his sh*t, she is in pain because she does love him. It's kind of sad really. She wants him, but knows she can't because it'll be years of pain.

Sounds kind of like that's where you are. Still addicted to it, but knowing it's not working for you.

How do you get out of that? Start with figuring out what really does or does not work for you and how you're going to get it. The finances? Not as important right now.

The fear? What's the fear of? That he won't talk to you again? That you won't find somebody else? That you won't be happy without him? Fear of being successful without him? Or how the kids will view you? What is it?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thanks AJM smile

I am positive that question is why I came back to this site. When I first started DB'ing I had zero answers but a million questions. Mostly my first questions were "What is he thinking now? What is he doing now?"

I took a long time but I learned to start asking "What am I thinking now? What am I doing now?" I was not the model DB'er and was slapped many times here until I finally woke up. (Lovingly of course)

Again, I have a million questions with no logical answer.

I lost blood, sweat and tears fighting for this M. Years of it. Was it all for nothing? (besides the fact I am OK)

I am not afraid he will not speak to me again. Just tonight I left the house for a few hours. He had no idea where I was, and when I got home he tried to find out. "How was class?" Of course he knew I was not in class. I simply replied "I did not have class tonight." Then I made myself dinner. He will not stop speaking to me because he is still in his pleading stage. My fear here is my own response. I did not want him to speak to me.

I was not cold or mean, but really I just wanted him to leave me alone. That was a scary feeling.

I am petrified that I wont find someone else. I am a hacking computer geek. Not really a social butterfly. I am not trying to sound vain, but I think I am very pretty. I also feel I am pretty smart, and funny. But I have 3 kids and money woes. The kind of man I want would never want that much baggage. Yes that is a monsterous fear.

He cant make me successful or not, he lost all power in that dep't the second I started DB'ing. My job is the second greatest part of my life (after kids).

I know I will be miserable. I have been there before. That pain is not easy to forget, and I am the one choosing it this time. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am scared to stay because his actions hurt. I am scared to leave because that hurts. I am scared of hurting, yet I am still hurting.

I have had a huge lump in the back of my throat for weeks.

I just wish someone would sit me down and say "If you do this, this and this, all of your pain will go away."

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Having a great day today. Me and the kids got up early today. My D14 had to be at school an hour early so after I dropped her off I took D13 and S9 to breakfast. We ate in the car because we tend to get a bit rowdy smile

My car lost a fight with a fire hydrant today so I will need to get this repaired. This is completely stupid, but I feel very good because I handled the whole thing easily. I did not turn to H for any help. I called the insurance co and the shop, etc. They all asked me questions that only someone with a Y chromosome could answer, but we got to the end somehow.

I am trying to remember what it is I need him for. But I am not putting too much effort into it.

I have been playing facebook games a lot recently, so today I had to unfriend him. It was not pleasant to see his name or pict every few minutes as I played. I feel a bit free-er and lighter after clicking that UNFRIEND button.

I remember it being said that a WAS is in a "fog" but to be honest, it feels like I am seeing things so much more clearly.

My biggest hurdle now is money. How can I get out of our house? I just got paid today and it looks like I am going to have to choose between groceries and Halloween costumes... So I wont be taking any steps now to get out of the house. Maybe next check magic money will fall into my account smile.

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Hmm... Cars and hydrants don't mix it up very well. Always at least one loser in that game. smile

WAS in a fog? Is that like a donkey on a waffle? Seems kind of like it. But just to play things back to you, based on your story as you told it:
You caught H in an affair years back. He moved away with OW, had a love-child, and then eventually came back to you and the kids.
During the time he was gone, you re-invented and re-focused yourself and now have a new career as a hackstress/computer geek. Who has some free time to play FB.
You caught H in an EA and possible EA/PA at the early stages. You snooped, but we don't yet know what the reason you felt you needed to snoop. You did though, and you caught him doing the same things again.
Since H's return you don't feel like you ever really repaired things with him. He doesn't seem to think so either, but that's just guessing.
You feel trapped by money and habit. And you're worried you won't find somebody else (particular type of guy) because you have too much baggage although you do consider yourself .

Is that pretty accurate?

A couple of things come to mind:
Your idea that you are a WAS in the traditional sense is likely not very accurate.
Your analytical mind that tells you that the guy you (think) you want won't want you because of the baggage has me intrigued. I think there's a lot to be figured out in that sentence. Note, I'm not a doctor, although I sometimes play one on the internet wink But seriously, a lot comes to mind there. You are going to make up somebody else's mind about what they want or don't want? You're going to pre-suppose you know what you want and that person is a bit shallow and unable to deal with baggage? Are you sure that's the kind of person you want to be with?
Are you sure you want to be with somebody else right now? As a suggestion, I don't think you should. I think you have some grieving to do yet.

Quote:
I deserve to get out.
Really? You deserve something like that? Not sure I understand that concept, but maybe you just want out so badly that it feels you should get it becuase the world owes you or something? I dunno. I'm thinking that thought process could use some work and you may want to revisit that idea later. As far as I'm concerned you deserve what you work for. Nothing less and nothing more. Perhaps there's more to the story as well, but that kind of thinking is dangerous, right?

Look. He broke the trust. He chose to do what he did. Several times that you know about. You are in the process of choosing what you will and won't accept from him or anyone. You are worried about finances (who isn't?) and you're worried you may not find somebody else because, in the past you weren't the most sociable gal about town. But you shouldn't worry about either of those as much as worrying about your own well-being. By that I suggest you figure out your feelings and how you'll face them. Being annoyed by him is not a reason to leave. Not having the trust, cheating, etc. Well, that's a different kettle of fish.

Not going because you are afraid? That's not going to end well and you know it.

Quote:
I remember it being said that a WAS is in a "fog" but to be honest, it feels like I am seeing things so much more clearly.
and truly crazy people feel like they are normal and it's everyone else. Slippery slope when you do that. Be careful of just feeling something vs. challenging it as well. You may be seeing things more clearly as you detach. Or... But I urge you to take the time to figure it out for yourself.

I think if you boil it all down, you're still there because of some fears that you'll have to face. I also think you should consider not dating nor worrying about dating anyone for a while until you have had some time to focus on you in the sense that you are free and clear of the confusion.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hiya AJ.

Thanks for dropping by smile

Most excellent summary. Reinvented just sounds so whimpy in my case. I am a completely different person then the thing I was in 2004. Yep, I snooped. He had been spending more and more time online and I wanted to know what was so much more interesting then a flesh and blood wife.

I think I am being overly dramatic when I say EA... There was no ILY's or commitments, mostly picts and sexting. Still, way past any boundry I am OK with. That day I packed the kids and left. I moved in with my mother. She is my mom, and I love her, but that whole environment is dripping with negativity. All day and night that woman complains. My kids became the focus of her complaints.

He seemed genuinely sorry. I hated staying at my mom's. I really wanted my normal life back so we moved back home. Things were fantastic! Honeymoonish even, if you can remember what that is like. Again, he slowly started spending more time online. I looked, sure enough I found too much. No commitments, no ILY's, no sexting, just a plan to meet one member of an online group in a game he played, who happens to be female. The wording of the promise to meet was too familiar.

He cancelled the meeting. He said he realized where this was heading, and cancelled. Great. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. He had been spending so much time online that I was alone in my bed every night. Some nights he would come up all happy and frisky and ML, then leave and go back to the game. All those lonely nights added up and I started to brode over the entire M. Mostly the bad times.

You can trust me when I say I am not interested in starting any new R. Period. But I am a healthy 40 year old woman. I am certainty not interested in living the rest of my life alone, or living like a nun until I die. When I walk out, eventually I will want to meet "him". (That is the great big teddy bear who knows how to use a hammer that I dream of).

The kids... yes, that is a real fear. Staying might show them that it is important to stand by and be there when someone you love makes a mistake, or staying my show them that it is OK to allow someone to not respect you... Leaving could mean that any stability I have promised over the years has been a lie, or it could mean if you are in a sit you don't like, it is up to you to change it. How upset are they going to be when I uproot them?

Finances... that seems an impossible hurdle, but I like impossible smile

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