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Coincidently, I 've reached 100 posts and from what I've seen on this board, I'm supposed to start a new thread. Not sure how to do that, so I clicked on "New Topic".

Well, my wife who has been involved in a PA for the past 5 months turned to me on Friday night, after we put the kids to bed, and told me "she couldn't do it anymore".

She couldn't continue to live a lie and stay in this relationship (our marriage).

She explained that as soon as 6 months after we got married, she had begged and pleaded for me to change my ways and get help for my issues with anger and other personality flaws(we've been married 10 years). That her family had warned her against marrying me and that her damaged relationship with each family member is a result of disregading their warning. She said she is exausted and can't do it anymore. Even though she said she is so happy and pleased to see all the changes I've been making for the past 4 1/2 months, she just can't do it anymore because of all the pain and the miserable experience our marriage has been. She said that she wants to leave the marriage before she starts to hate me. Right now, she said she resents me so much.

She provided me a 4 page letter chronologically itemizing each problem and her attempt to address it with me or the pain she suffered as a result.

She was very detailed and even revealed her affair...that she claimed is over. She stated that she knew I was aware of it because she knew I was going through her texts and emails.

She simply apologized for the affair and said it's over and it's in the past and there's nothing she can do about it. Said she realized how wrong it was and that she needs to make things right with God and focus on being a better mother to our children.

Now here's the rub:

For the past 4 months, I've been reading DR, DB, online community, researching affairs, researching marriage saving techniques, reading and gathering valuable knowledge through the vets here and others. So, when I'm ready to confront my wife about her PA, I'm ready!

Wrong. W dropped the bomb and I immediately went into defense mode and tried to counter all of her arguments. Explaining why she feels the way she does. Informing her that all marriages go through this type of errosion and that love is a decison, not a feeling and we can rebuild this marriage.

She continued to tell me she's made her decision and that's it.

I asked her to consider giving us 1 year to work on our marriage together. If after 1 year she still felt the same, I would accept her wishes. She actually, paused for a few seconds, but then said no her decision is final.


Last night, I stopped W as she was going to bed in the other room. I asked her if I could aske her a question. I asked her if I deserved the common courtesy of her honesty. She said yes. So, I asked her about the PA and if it was truly over. She explained that it was. We talked more about what she had done and what her plans were.


She stated that she doesn't want anything from me. No money, no belongings, etc. I asked what about the house? She said, I don't even want the house. She said I want the kids to be able to remain here in the house.

She asked if I would be willing to share time away so that each of us can have time alone with the kids and so it won't be that mom is always leaving for a few days at a time.

I agreed to that and said I'm more than willing to work with you on all of this. I'm not your adversary and have no intention of being difficult. I guess I'll have to earn your trust.

Then I said we can work through this. You don't need to rush everything and get a divorce now. She said, I'm not going to run out tomorrow and file. I want to make sure we can make this the least disruptive for the kids as possible while we figure out what we're doing about separating or divorcing.

So, what is my next step? Distance? Give her space? DB my Arse off? GET A LIFE my arse off?

I want to make the most out of this opportunity.

Please help!!!!


Vince B
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Originally Posted By: doubledown


She asked if I would be willing to share time away so that each of us can have time alone with the kids and so it won't be that mom is always leaving for a few days at a time.

I agreed to that and said I'm more than willing to work with you on all of this. I'm not your adversary and have no intention of being difficult. I guess I'll have to earn your trust.

Then I said we can work through this. You don't need to rush everything and get a divorce now. She said, I'm not going to run out tomorrow and file. I want to make sure we can make this the least disruptive for the kids as possible while we figure out what we're doing about separating or divorcing.

So, what is my next step? Distance? Give her space? DB my Arse off? GET A LIFE my arse off?

I want to make the most out of this opportunity.

Please help!!!!





DD,

Your next step is to come here BEFORE saying ANYTHING to your wife regarding legal moves, finances, custody, etc.

Your stock answer right now needs to be "I have some decisions to make; we can talk later about these things" and "Looks like we both have some decisions to make."

And stop disrespecting your wife's decision. When you try to disagree with what she's doing, that's about the most UN-validating thing you can do. Just say "Look, I didn't want a divorce and I don't want one now, but I DO hear you, and I'm not going to stand in your way."

I'm sorry this has come to this, but you need to be VERY careful how you handle these next steps. Frankly you are not (and none of us were!!!) in an emotional state right now that is conducive to potentially life-changing decision-making.

None of this is going anywhere anytime soon. Deep breaths . . . and PLAN.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: doubledown



Last night, I stopped W as she was going to bed in the other room. I asked her if I could asked her a question. I asked her if I deserved the common courtesy of her honesty. She said yes. So, I asked her about the PA and if it was truly over. She explained that it was.



And for GOSH SAKES, please step asking the most deceitful one in the room for HONESTY. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD. If you asked her that just so she could have one more opportunity to FINALLY tell you the truth, then fine, but please don't take any comfort from her answers.

More importantly, don't make -- or change -- any plans you might have based on it.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thanks Starsky for your prompt response!

I want to be sure to start my post-bomb drop life on the right foot.

Tonight, when I get home, am I kind and positive or to myself and dark?

Should I keep myself occupied or interact as usual?

FYI: The day after my W dropped the bomb and I went into defense mode, I apologized and acknowledged that all her feelings are understandable. During our conversation, I did take full accountability for all my contributions to our broken marriage. I expressed how sorry I was and how difficult and painful it must have been for her. I did end our conversation by telling W that I realize she has made her decision, that I don't want a divorce, I believe in our marriage, but I won't stand in her way.

She had a migraine, so I said let's get some sleep. She said goodnight and retired to the spare bedroom. I went to our bedroom. This morning, we were both very cordial and friendly.

At this point, no details have been discussed regarding custody, finances, etc. We just shared what we were thinking and that we want the kid's disruption to be minimal.

If we agree to both take a few days at a time every couple weeks and leave the other with the kids in the house, is that a bad thing? Isn't space what I should be providing right now?


Vince B
M=10 yrs T=13 yrs
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D Day: 7/16/13
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Originally Posted By: doubledown


She stated that she knew I was aware of it because she knew I was going through her texts and emails.



DD,

This changes everything, and if you'll recall this is precisely what I was afraid of.

I'll need to think about this. You need to first and foremost fully protect yourself legally and financially. What you might be able to do to save your marriage now comes with a huge task of re-establishing ATTRACTION. I'm NOT trying to pour salt in your wounds, but think now of all of your words and actions over the past several months from YOUR WIFE'S eyes, and her KNOWING THAT YOU KNOW.

It's a game-changer, and it will affect what advice I would give you going forward.

In the meantime, not fake-syrupy-happy, and not cold/pouty/distant. You should be cordial and BUSINESSLIKE, with an overall air of "This isn't what I chose, but I realize I"ll be okay" and an air of MYSTERY about you.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: doubledown


If we agree to both take a few days at a time every couple weeks and leave the other with the kids in the house, is that a bad thing? Isn't space what I should be providing right now?



I would talk to both your family law attorney (because there may be legal implications for anything you do or DON'T do in this regard now, moving forward) and also a good family therapist. I'm not either, but what you're describing could be very confusing to your kids unless it's handled properly. Their emotional well-being and feeling of safety and security need to be your #1 (and #2, and #3, and . . . ) priority right now.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I do recall you mentioning that my W probably knows that I know.

The reason I asked her again last night if the PA was over is because I wanted her to understand that if I find out down the road that it is not over, she will need to leave. That is what I told her.

I will maintain an even keel in my demeanor with a positive attitude. I'll try to keep busy and stay out of her hair.


Vince B
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D Day: 7/16/13
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Originally Posted By: doubledown


The reason I asked her again last night if the PA was over is because I wanted her to understand that if I find out down the road that it is not over, she will need to leave. That is what I told her.


Good -- boundary laid then. How do you intend to find out if she's still in contact with the PA guy?

One of the reasons I'm a big "boundaries SOONER, rather than later" guy is that once a walkaway spouse tells you they want OUT of the marriage (and maybe even has filed for divorce, or at least SAYS they are going to) you really have lost any leverage in your ability to enforce such a boundary. You can try, but really she's just going to say "Well, I consider the marriage to be over ANYWAY," and it's a bit of a non-starter.

I think you would be wise to fully separate your finances at this point -- yours, hers, family's -- and put some formal agreements in place. I certainly wouldn't allow any family finances to spent in any way on her affair, nor on legal fees for her to try to tear apart the family.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I see your point. At this point, my thought is that if she doesn't rush into filing and we are peacfully cohabitating, I will be able to continue my DBing and 180's along with GAL activities. She metioned that neither of us have any business, financially, going out and taking on more debt by renting a second dwelling. We both currently have personal checking/savings accounts and a joint account that I facilitate. And there's no risk of that breaking me, it merely holds the monthly operating funds.

Moreover, Michigan is a no-fault state. All marital property is divided 50/50 in the event the two parties can't come to an amicable settlement re: division of property. If she decides she wants the house, she'll have to buy me out in cash and visa/versa. At this point, everythings seems reasonable.

As far as custody, we are both in agreement that minimizing trauma for our kids is priority #1. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I'll bring up the children and our discussion re: shared time away.


Vince B
M=10 yrs T=13 yrs
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2 Boys 5 & 8
D Day: 7/16/13
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I'm trying to remember, DD -- have you yet retained a good family law attorney? Preferably one who specializes in paternal custody and "men's rights" issues?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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