My common-law partner of 4 1/2 years ended our relationship mid June (because I didn't treat her the way I should have), 2 weeks later, she went on a 5 day trip to Calgary, AB (we live in Burlington, ON so several provinces away) that been previously planned and met another woman. 2 weeks after that, after constant emails and phone calls that last for hours, I came across emails between them saying that they love each other.
A couple of weeks ago, she advised me that I had to move out of her house as of September 1st. I was also informed this morning that Miss Calgary is coming to visit my c/l wife September 6th to October 8th (my c/l is going on a cruise, which I was supposed to go on, but she has cancelled my portion from September 23rd to October 6th and Miss Calgary is going to watch "our" dogs) and therefore I have to be gone.
Miss Calgary is extremely jealous - any woman that posts anything on my c/l wife's Facebook page, she questions my c/l who they are; she apparently doesn't like me, although I have done nothing to her (but I was questioned by my c/l why I have animosity towards Miss Calgary as she didn't do anything).
After telling me that she was going on with her life, I'm not to question who she's emailing or on the phone with, and I'm to go on with mine. However, until recently, she would question me - who I was on the phone with, who was I messaging, etc. Recently, she went to BC with Miss Calgary to visit Miss Calgary's family. My c/l wife's flight was early, so she came into my room and stood at the foot of my bed and stared at me for 5 minutes while I was sleeping. Then, before she left to go to the airport, she gave me a big hug. Her mood swings are awful and I am 100% convinced that she is having a midlife crisis.
I do have a DB coach who assures me that she is just hurt, that this "thing" won't last as it is a rebound. We are starting at the Last Resort method because of the short time that I have before having to move. I am to be pleasant and to make myself scarce and not be available to her all the time.
My DB coach also asked me what her love language is (based on the 5 love languages) - hers is a mixture of gifts, touch and verbal - which is tough for me as I can't give her gifts at this stage, she won't allow me to touch her and I can't discuss the relationship...
I love this woman with all of my heart, she means the world to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I want to spend my life with her, she is the love of my life... she treated me like gold and I did not reciprocate because of my history of being in abusive relationships... I have made a lot of changes over the past couple of months and continue to make more.
But at this stage, she has told me it is over, her feelings changed to protect herself, that it shouldn't have taken her to end things for me to realize (she says that's not love)....
It is just so hard - I have been through break ups before, but this is the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with. I feel alone, my heart has been ripped out of me, I don't have a lot of friends in the area (I moved from the Whitby, ON area, away from my friends and family, to Burlington, ON to be with this woman)...I feel like I'm drowning, and I'm running out of time.
Update: Although I did not initiate a discussion regarding our relationship, she did. She advised me that she will have to delete me from Facebook (as of today, she has not, however, has set the settings so that I can't see any posts on her wall, but she can see mine - and it's only me she's done this to - not my daughter, my daughter's friend, just me.) She told me that she would have to delete me as Miss Calgary doesn't trust me; in fact, Miss Calgary told my c/l wife that "she" trusts my c/l wife, but doesn't trust other women. If a woman posts something on my c/l wife's wall or comments on one of her posts, and "she" hasn't heard of this woman before, she questions my c/l wife who she is and will then do a google search to find that person. My c/l wife believes that it shows Miss Calgary truly loves and cares for her (whereas I just tell her that it's great that she made a new friend - apparently showing that I trust her, means/shows that I don't love or care for her - who knew?).
My c/l wife also recently asked me if I had joined any "sites". I was a little confused as to what "sites" she was referring to, so I asked her. She replied "dating sites". I told her that I had not (I'm not interested, nor am I ready - my heart belongs to her - I tried to go on one, and I got as far as the first page and became nauseated). She then asked me if I would tell her if I had.
We also have 2 dogs (1 is 14.5 y/o and the other will be 2 in September - the older dog has many health ailments and her requires eye drops 3x a day, half a thyroid pill 2x a day, a chewable supplement for arthritis - she has no clue what needs to be done because she is so focused on Miss Calgary). I also advised my c/l wife that after I move, I would still like to see the dogs. my c/l wife's response was "I don't see how that's going to work." So it seems that Miss Calgary seems to be holding all the cards...
I have been reassured, not only by the many counselors that I have been talking to, but my DB coach that this is a rebound, it won't last, that this started up so quickly (and with the whole jealousy thing going on) that it will fizzle out just as fast.
In the meantime, I don't know how to not let it bother me, so that I can continue coming across as being pleasant (which is more attractive than someone who is depressed)... This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with... of course at the same time, I am also having to try to deal with the fact that I am losing everything at this time - my home, my c/l wife, my dogs... I also have to find myself a place to live in the next 10 days (I am trying to find something around where I currently am as there are just too many changes happening to me all at once, however $, or lack thereof, and not being paid enough, are all things that are stopping that from happening), but I am really running out of time - as per my session yesterday, I was to speak to my employer to ask for an increase (which after having extra responsibility dumped on me back in March, and having another full-time position dumped on me just recently, but no pay increase, I have pretty much demanded it). I have to look out for me...
Can anyone provide me with some suggestions...getting her to notice me, getting her away from focusing on Miss Calgary, keeping in mind that I am not allowed to give her gifts or talk about the relationship...
Thank you for any feedback you can provide!
Regards, Chelle
P.S. As I lay in bed typing this, my c/l wife is on the phone with Miss Calgary and has been for about an hour now...
In the meantime, I don't know how to not let it bother me, so that I can continue coming across as being pleasant (which is more attractive than someone who is depressed)...
CJ,
Hello and welcome to DB. I am very sorry you are having to go through so much pain.
I do not have a lot of time just now - heading off to work.
Have you read DR or DB? Do you have a plan to GAL? What are your 180's?
Turn your focus to YOU right now. Get yourself stronger and healthier - that will be better for everyone and everything.
Take care I have a very busy day but will check back on you ASAP.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Update #2: So, I am losing my home because of my c/l wife's "fling"... "she" is so jealous, even my c/l wife made the comment that she's never met anyone who gets so jealous...no one has ever gotten so jealous over her... "she" says that my c/l wife is so beautiful both inside and out that maybe other women will see it too - "she" trusts my c/l wife, but doesn't trust other women (that is such bs - jealousy is never a good thing and this "fling" isn't going to last....) "she" doesn't understand how people can stay friends with their exes, and definitely doesn't understand why my c/l wife is still friends with her ex "Debbie"...but my c/l wife thinks that this is a good thing... My c/l wife said to me that I should understand it as I had an issue with her ex "Diane"... i replied to her that I had an issue with "Diane" because "Diane" screwed her over...which she did acknowledge and said "true"... so I have to remove my account on the computer, I won't see my dogs again, I'm losing my home, and I probably won't see or hear from my c/l wife (at least not if "she" is in Ontario) because of "her".... and my c/l wife is listening to "her" because my c/l wife has low self esteem, and she feels that because "she" is so jealous, it means that "she" loves her...and not that I'm about to say anything to "her", but wonder how she'd feel if she knew that my c/l wife was poking and tickling me today, as well as staring at my chest... ;)I'm pretty sure that my c/l wife will eventually get sick of it or she will have no one left because "she's" so jealous of everyone... what "she's" doing is a form of abuse - "she" is isolating my c/l wife from people...
Update #3: Today, I overheard my c/l wife say to "her" on the phone 'love you'. It just killed me to hear that...
An hour or so later, my c/l wife came upstairs into my bedroom to show me something on her cell phone. She lay down on my bed and continued to chat. Then she says "I think I'm going to fall off", so I reached over and grabbed her to pull her back up on the bed. She moved over so that her head was resting right up against my leg. I said to her that she looked sleepy, to which she replied she was. I began to tickle her back for a little bit, and then I started to run my fingers through her hair, something she has always liked. She fell asleep, and then our one dog startled her. She once again lay down and put her head right against my leg.
But now, she keeps talking about "her". It is so painful as I love this woman with all of my heart and I want to spend my life with her... I have to watch her constantly emailing "her", or on the phone and listening to them laugh.
Update #4: I am moving out August 31st - my c/l wife dropped that on me on August 9th, so I had less than a month to find a place. Once I move, my c/l wife will be on her own to look after the dogs (she made it clear that they were her dogs, which is funny because they were our dogs when were a couple), and then Miss Calgary is coming to stay with her from September 6th to October 8th (although the last 2 weeks, my c/l wife will be away on a cruise, one that was booked over a year ago and I was supposed to go on).
Anyways, I have been giving meds and drops to the older dog because my c/l wife just gets up and goes to her room to call "her". So tonight, I got up, went out and had a cigarette, came back in, got ready for bed and told her that they dogs needed to go out, and that the older dog needed his drops. She got pissed off at me, started cursing, and why all of a sudden have oi gone on strike as I usually do them, and then slammed the door behind her - well she's going to have to get used to it, isn't she...
And earlier this evening, my friend called me on my cell, and my c/l wife was sitting outside with me. My friend asked if I needed a couch. As I already have one being given to me, I hmmed and hawed and said I'm not sure... My c/l wife got up and became rather annoyed with me... my friend messaged my c/l wife to apologize, that she didn't mean to start anything and that she had called to ask if I need a couch... My c/l wife just kept replying "No problem"... When I finally came inside, no apology, nothing...
I could really use some support, advice or some thoughts... I am having a really tough time hanging in and continually taking the garbage and her moodiness, etc... I have broken down several times at work, where I've been told to leave the office and go for a walk... All I can say is midlife crisis are horrible...
I have a very busy day but will check back on you ASAP.