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Hi all, I'm new to the forum. I am curious if others have had experience with depressive / depressed spouses and what advice you have. Here's my situation:

H and I have been married 8 years (no kids). I would say overall we have had a great relationship. H has always been a sensitive, depressive sort of guy (sort of like Eeyore, but funnier). He had a pretty serious depression in college but has managed to keep his head above water until the last year or so.

A few things happened to trigger another depression. First, in April 2012, I lost my dad and he lost his best friend in a very sudden, horrific accident. Then, stuff at work has kind of snowballed to a level he is uncomfortable with (although he likes his job overall). Then, he agreed to a teaching assistant position where he'd be attending class once per week and helping students with coursework. Now he is admitting that he piled on extra stuff at work and with the TA gig so that he wouldn't have to think about what happened to his friend. So it is all kind of blowing up in that he is getting overwhelmed with emotion and has no energy for anything.

He started therapy about a month ago and so far she is giving him some helpful tips. In the midst of working through his depression, we are also working on ways to make our relationship better, mostly the usual kind of stuff for introverts and extroverts. He is trying to be less passive, more assertive. I am trying not to schedule so many events and to be sure to allow him time to recharge. Etc. etc. I am also trying to be supportive and listen to him a lot without trying to jump in and "fix" everything, because I know I can't.

Thanks for listening, I am trying to respect his privacy and not talk about his situation with friends and family, but I need someplace to vent and ask people about their experience with depressed spouses. Please share, I'd love to hear what worked for others and what didn't.


Me: 30, H: 31
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH
. Give him space.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

Originally Posted By: purplewoman
I am also trying to be supportive and listen to him a lot without trying to jump in and "fix" everything, because I know I can't.

He needs space and TIME to decide to FIX himself.
Nothing you are going to do is going to help too much.
You might want to consider going to Al ANON or getting couseling yourself.

This is a safe place to post and vent.
Dont let him know you are doing this, it needs to be your secret playbook.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thanks for the response; I am definitely working on detaching and I appreciate your advice!


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I recently rented "Yoga for Emotional Balance" from my local library and am finding it very helpful in suggesting tips for meditation and calming breathing. I think it's something I need to start doing to sort through my thoughts and work on detaching and remaining calm / patient.

H has had a really busy few weeks with his work stuff, so he has not had much of an opportunity to work on himself or our relationship. His therapist told him that his overworking in the last year was a reaction to his friend's death (so that he wouldn't have to think about it) and also is a common reflex in children of alcoholics. Now I guess the next task for him is to jettison work obligations and leave more time for himself, now that he knows why he has been piling on work and leaving no time for himself or us.

I signed up for a bunch of volunteer events to get out there and do something; I am also working on craft projects and trying to have a good time in the evenings.


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Hi woman!

Thanks for visiting my thread. I responded to you there but thought I'd paste part of that response here, too.

Thanks purplewoman, I read your post in another section. You'll get more feedback if you move it over here. Just create a new thread and copy and paste it here.

I'm a visual and kinesthetic learner so I read A LOT and always have book suggestions. Have you read Depression Fallout? It focuses on dealing with spouses who are depressed so it might be helpful.

At the time of the BD, I was in the midst of a very deep depression and really didn't know how to fix it. It's been a long, road but with the guidance of a great IC, support here and patience on my part, I'm better than I've ever been.

Good luck to you and keep posting.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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I am going through this EXACT same thing right now. My husband is severely depressed and he is emotionally empty. The only think he loves right now are his children. He has been moved out for a few months as well and I am finding it difficult to know what to do.
Our relationship was good! I never nag, he doesnt have to do anything around the house, we travel and never call each other names or fight EVER! I thought we had the perfect relationship.
But it all hit me right around xmas when he said he didnt love me anymore. I recognized he had depression right away and in February he agreed with me. He has been going to therapy every week and he loves going. I just am sitting in limbo waiting...


Me 35/H 36
Married 5
D:11, D:9
Bomb: 12/23/12
Separated: 03/10/13
Today:....Waiting patiently
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You might want to read some of the books mentioned on this thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=120684&page=1

The depression books are mostly excellent.


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I've got the same problem with my H at the mo. He's not on treatment and won't get any help, he says he's trying to manage it on his own. He does love his son and wants to spend time with him. He's like a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde character. I think there's a bit of MLC thrown in there as well.
I want to read depression fallout as suggested by labug, but as it's an American book I'll have to buy it and I'm a bit short of money at the mo. I went in the library today, but they've not got it on their system.
I think the best advice on here is keep on 180ing and GALing. You sound like you're doing that already though, well done smile Be patient and babysteps are important as well.
My H has been away for 4 months now and although he says he wants a D, I've not heard anything from his solicitor. Hopefully he's changed his mind as he won't be able to afford it at the mo.
Cadet, which other depression book do you recommend? If I can get one from my library then I can read something straight away.


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!

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