I met my wife in 2003 at the place where I worked after a coworker introduced her to me. We instantly fell in love and dated four years and then moved into an apartment together to start our lives together. In 2007 we got married and bought a house within the same month, this did put us into a financial strain but we made it work and was happily married.
I had the pleasure of meeting her family and unfortunately her mother and I do not get along, its not that I hate her but we dont see eye to eye on issues. The is nothing that I would not do for my mother in law if she asked. My wife and I have had arguments in front of her mom but there was no yelling or anything like that, just disagreements.
In 2008 the company that I worked for ended up shutting down forcing me to look for employment. I found a job before my last day at the current company but unfortunately it paid 10-15K less but I had to take it. In the mean time I took 3 other jobs that paid around the same amount as the second job but they had promising futures that didnt happen.
Well after using credit cards to furnish our house and going on a honeymoon put us in a financial mess. We did bring some debt into the marriage but it was not alot. Fast forward to early 2012, I took yet another job paying the most money that I ever made but the financial damage was done. We had stopped paying credit cards in 2010 after getting so far behind on them that we would never see our way out. In December 2012 I was sued by a collection agency and my wife and I had no option but to file for bankruptcy.
We filed BK in early 2013 as a chapter 7 but know there would be a chance that it would be converted to a chapter 13 because our income was about the median income of 2 for our state. So, after a few months of trying for the chapter 7 we found out that it got converted to a chapter 13 in late May 2013. Well, I went home to give my wife the bad news and this is where she got really angry. I have never seen her this mad. I went ahead and had out attorney to get the chapter 13 papers ready to sign so we could get on with the payment plan. I asked her to remain calm and let us find out what the chapter 13 payment plan would be. Well it was only going to be $100 a month for 60 months to take care of ALOT of debt.
Well, Sunday she kissed me and told me that she loved me and went to church with her mom and went to shop afterwards. I tried to call her a few times throughout the day and finally got ahold of her and was kind of upset that she didnt answer her phone, well that turned into an argument in front of her mom.
Well, after that argument she decided to stay at her moms house that night figuring that she needed some cool off time. This was the first of June, since then I have not gotten one phone call from her or text message, like she disappeared out of my life.
A few days later I found out what our BK 13 payment plan was going to be. It was going to be $100 a month for 60 months to take care of ALOT of debt. I emailed her that info telling her that we could manage that and if she would tell me whats wrong so I can correct whatever she is upset about. I have not heard from her to this day and its been seven weeks with no contact whats so ever.
A month later I was served a decree of separation papers. In it she has me keeping the house and payments on it. She request keeping her vehicle but me paying the payments and all associated cost to go with it. She wants alimony, we have no kids and she makes more money than I do. She wants me to supply her with health insurance, we have never had a joint health insurance policy together and in 2008 when I lost the good job we could no longer afford it and we have not had it since then.
Her car payment had not been paid in the 2 months since she left but I cant afford to pay it and keep the house payment and utilities. She is staying at her moms house with no rent and makes more money than I do.
Im thinking the bankruptcy had alot to do with it but my wedding vows mean the world to me and I would have never have thought I would be going through this. I have been to counselors and to the preacher at my church to see if he would reach out to her mom to first of all reconcile with her and hopefully with my wife. The only thing that she brought up was finances for some reason.
I am just lost with whats going on. I would love to save my marriage but I am not getting any kind of response from her. We go to court about our separation next week. Will I get a chance to talk to her then? Will the judge recommend counseling?
So sorry you find yourself here but, you are in good company. You will find a lot of help here.
That was a very abrupt departure. I haven't read a situation like this one before so perhaps some who has experience with this will chime in.
As far as financial legal matters, talk to an attorney. she makes more than you so she may have to pay you. She may be asking for the moon so that she can have some negotiating power. You need to seek an attorney to protect yourself. Even if you just consult with one to see what your rights and obligations are.
Financial problems account for a great many D's. My situation is partially rooted in financial problems. What ever happened to "for richer or poorer", "for better of worse". Its a nice sentiment until one person breaks the commitment.
My wife said she is filing for D too. She hasn't said when but it seems inevitable at this point. Very sad when marriages/families fall apart.
Read Sandi's 37 rules, the book DR and DB and read as much on here as you can so you can understand what is happening.
This is not your fault, but it is your problem. Work on yourself for now. Eat Exercise Sleep and if you cant sleep, REST.
Take care of yourself first then worry about her. It will take some practice to get the PMA and GAL activities going but, DO THEM! Start today not tomorrow. This forum is here so that you can improve yourself, not your S. Your S may see your improvements and and question her decision. Keep in mind that you are doing these improvements for you right now. Focus on you.
Keep posting. There are far more experienced people her than I that can help you. Just keep learning about what MLC/WAS. The more you understand what it is, the better it will help you cope with the emotions you may be experiencing now. It helped me quite a bit and still does. Start MC too if you think it will help you. Go by yourself.
Once again, you have a great resource here, USE IT!
Sorry to hear about your situation. It strikes me as very odd how your S just seemed to flip out and decide to leave.
If she's not responding to you then there's nothing you can do right now except focus on yourself. Make yourself happy so, if things don't work out, you're not sitting around moping and hoping your S will change her mind.
I myself found it very theraputic to write down a list of things I've always wanted to do and am commited to doing them as quickly as I can.
Enjoy being by yourself for a little while. You can do what you want, when you want. Yes, it's always sad when things down work and even more sad when you don't know why but you don't have to stay that way. Get out, meet people, do things. The possible (because nothing is certain) end of a marriage isn't the end of your life.
Ok, I have been 180 since the middle of July and it is killing me I have been going to church and I am going to meet with some disciples to help me get through this and make me a better person.
I have yet to hear anything from my wife, it has been 2 months since she left. I wish I knew what was going through her mind and what I can do to repair our marriage. She has never done anything like this before and her mom doesnt care too much for me either. I just cant believe that she would throw away our house, pets, cars or everything thing that we have done together.
I bought DR yesterday and have already read 74 pages.
My wife has been going through my mind 24/7. I have already seen some progress that god is working on me as a person and I hope that she is getting the message through him and that our marriage could be saved and healthier than ever.
Some people are telling me that 2 months with no contact is nothing, to me is eternity. I am still holding out that there is another man as we have mutual friends on facebook that would tell me if they saw anything suspicious. I have since deleted facebook because of drama.
I just cant believe that her family members and friends would get involved like they have and not let us handle our own problems.
Its just really bad that a marriage could come down to finances. We were in not that bad of shape to do something like this.
Thank you to everyone on this board for their support while going through this.
chris B- "I am going after work to but the DR book. Anything else I need to do?"
EAT SLEEP EXERCISE!!! Someone here gave me some very good advice. I don't have time to look up who it was but here it is:
Hypothetically, lets say your S was never coming back. (Aliens abducted her and took her away, never to return).
What would you do differently tomorrow knowing that she wont be returning?
How would you get on with your life when you wake up the next morning?
Make a list and write it down. Then, when you wake up tomorrow, START DOING THOSE THINGS!
Losing your S, no matter how you lose them, is never easy. You need to grieve the loss of your S but you need to take care of yourself too. Get out and GAL, eat sleep and exercise. Go hang out with your friends and family (do your best to have a PMA when your around them).
If you need to vent or talk it out, find one or two people who you are close to you and hash it out with them. I did not have anyone I could talk with, that lived close to where I live. They live on the other coast. I started going to MC and it helped me to cope with the emotions I was going through. MC's are trained to help you through this kind of crisis.
Use this forum to vent and journal what you are going through. Ask lots of questions and read everything about MLC/WAS on this BB. It WILL help you understand what is going on. Like I said before, this is NOT your fault, but it is your problem now.
We are all here going through similar situations so we can empathize with you and try to help.
Start working on improving you, TODAY. Don't wait until tomorrow.
Hi Chris, I'm sorry you have found yourself here, but this is a good place to be. Keep reading DR. I also suggest reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You're probably still on moderation at this point, so continue to post often (even if just to journal or vent) and you'll be off soon. Best of luck in your sitch!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
I have been reading the DR book for a few days now.
My question is how do I implement doing or saying nice things to her if she is still not communicating with me at all?
I have been 180 since July 14th. How do I know that the 180 is making her curious?
I know that 180 is about changing myself but I have read some post on here that doing the 180 makes the spouse curious as to why youre not chasing them anymore.
Ok, I have been reading the DR book. My question is: How to I apply the recommended things in the book when my wife will not even communicate with me?
I have been 180 for over a month and have seen no sign of communication from her at all.
I am starting to feel like I can not keep fighting for her. Some days I want to keep hope in our marriage and some days I want to give up and move on with my life.
I have been going to church and I am going to meet with some disciples to help me get through this and make me a better person.