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#236397 - 01/25/04 03:35 PM Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
NeedingLove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/04
Posts: 75
Loc: Texas
Just curious, does anyone have any idea just how long Mid-life crisis can last in men.

From what I can understand, not all men come out of their MLC, but to the men that have, just an estimate in years, how long before the crisis comes to an END.

My husband has been going through this for 2 years now. That is when I first started noticeing signs of it. It was not until the last 2 months, that I have figured it was MLC that he is going through.

I am trying so hard to use the help I am recieving from all the post at this site. I do have the book DR and it helps some.

Yeah, I have been doing everything WRONG. Crying all the time, I'm always sad. I never have a good day, and have not had a good day for 2 years. I let my husband see my unhappiness each and everyday. I want him to know who unhappy I am, and what he is doing to me and our kids.

I write in a journal every single day. I don't write bad things about my husband, but I do right down my feelings and how I wished he would change and treat me and the kids better. I hid my journal, or I thought it was hid, but I found out my husband has been reading my journal all along, everyday without me knowing it.

I have quit writing in the journal now for 2 weeks.and it is driving my husband crazy.

I don't know if it is good or bad that he was reading my journal, it sure wasn't helping that is for sure. What is everyone's opinion on your husband with MLC reading your private journal.

I have read the stages of MLC, and I am not sure what stage my husband is in. It seems to me he went through Replay, before he went through the denial and anger stage. Is that possible. He has or is already gone through the denial and anger stage. I really think we are still in both of those stages.

I am really trying my best to change my attitude on my outlook of this, but it is going to be extremely hard. I still have my husband at home, and we still sleep together, but this distancing is killing me and our kids.

He is a living stranger in our home.

I do have one more question. We had a big fight on New Years Day. We pretty much decided on a seperation right then and there. He pretty much packed his bags to leave, but he never left. He unpacked everything, but his overnight bags, such as razor, deodorant, ect. I unpacked it two days later, because we decided to hold off of the seperation. I woke up the next morning to find that he had pack everything back into the bag. I questioned him on it, and he had no explanation on why he re-packed it. I asked him to unpack it, our 16 year old daughter was asking questions. He still has not unpacked it, yet. He lives out of that bag each and every single day.

My questions is: I has been over 3 weeks now. Should or should I not go and unpack the bag or leave it on the counter as is. I don't want to make him mad in anyway or make things worse. But looking at that bag makes me sick to my stomach every day.

Anyone has any advice or has been or going through something similar to this, please help. I am pretty much in this by myself, I hid from my friends and family and really don't want a lot people to know what is going on with me and my husband. They see it, but I try to pretend they don't HELP!

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#236398 - 01/25/04 04:12 PM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
sting Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/00
Posts: 2948
On average, mlc can last anywhere from 3 to 5 years. There's a pretty good book out there called Men In Midlife Crisis which explains the basics of what your h is going through as well as the stages of it. If you'd like to check it out and/or buy it you can find it at www.midlife.com.

As for what to do with his bag, I'd just leave it there myself and let him figure out what he'd like to do with it. Right now I'd say he's very uncertain which direction he wants to take--out the door or stay. Try to reach as much as you can so you can understand how to deal with it more.

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#236399 - 01/25/04 04:44 PM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
Sharon H Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/01
Posts: 1343
((needing love))... It is a long haul and I'm impressed
that you haven't collapsed yet, given that you've been
unhappy for so long! Keep reading DR until you internalize
why you CAN'T keep letting your happiness depend on your
H. Are you trying to reform or control him through guilt?
Ain't working. Are you afraid that if you seem happy without him, he'll think it's okay to leave? I can't say it won't happen, but he's clearly thinking of leaving anyway. Needing love, first you have to learn to love yourself. You're suffering and apparently so are the kids, by depending on his behavior. Detach and take care of yourself. You'll become more attractive if you do.

Please go see a counselor on your own if you haven't already,
or try St. John's Wort or get other meds if you need them to boost your mood. Two years of misery is plenty and besides, it hasn't worked. It's only coming out of your own hide.

RE: H reading your journal. It isn't a bad sign, IMHO. It shows he's still engaged with you. Good for you for stopping or hiding it. A gal needs some mystery.

RE: the suitcase. If the fool wants to live in wrinkled clothing, ignore it. The bag is a symbol that he is not caged. He really needs that right now.

Give yourself a big hug for hanging in there.

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#236400 - 01/25/04 08:58 PM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
Expecting_in_MD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 8
Please don't tell me that this intensity of emotional pain (& the EA) can last 3-5 years! H's MLC seems to have been going on since Aug. 03, but the really bad part since November/December. What about a MLC that surfaces early? (H is mid 30's)

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#236401 - 01/25/04 09:29 PM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
Survival_Goddess Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 1893
Loc: Northern California
Hello Expecting in M_D,
((((((hugs))))))
Yes, it can last quite a long time. Some guys never even get out!
Check out this thread by Hearts Blessing: Six stages of Mid-life Crisis
It will give you some insight. Read as much as you can on the subject, do a search on the internet and inform yourself.
This is a very trying time for you, but you will get through it!
Hang in there!
SG
_________________________
Survival Goddess
aka the other SG

"Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living, the
other helps you make a life." ~ Sandra Carey




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#236402 - 01/25/04 11:23 PM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
cmd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/16/03
Posts: 209
Loc: Pittsburgh, PA
My heart really goes out to you. I feel your pain. And I am sorry you have to be here.{{{{hug}}}}. I too, have been going through this misery for over 2 yrs now.

When you said you have a stranger in the house. I can really relate. My husband is someone who I am not sure I even like anymore. He is very insensitive and cruel.

Luckily, you have come to the right place for advise, if you are willing to take it (and I mean take it). Believe me, I know the hurtful feelings you are going through, because I too have periods of crying. But I do pick myself up. You need to get on something, go to counseling, get some support from a couple of friends, develop interests.

Trust me, I know how hard this is. I have 3 children and have been with my husband for 30 years. He had been looking for a place to move into, but found that he could not leave. He does not have it in him, thank God. He tells me that if it weren't for the kids he would move. I have been riding this roller coaster ride for over two years, he was going to buy a place, then he wasn't. He even got a mortgage approved, but couldn't do it. His counselor even told him that he would need to move out to start feeling better, but he could not, so she dropped him. This past September, I told him that if he needed to move out, I would fully support him. (I told him this without making him feel guilty and without tears) I have not heard another word about it. My point is, you need to step back from him. Give him his SPACE. Quit crying. Focus on yourself. And please eveyone on this board knows how difficult that is.

Now he tells me that he is shielding his heart from any more hurt that I have caused him and will only speak to me if I ask him something. I am doing my best to respect this.
Grant it, I am not a saint, I do falter.

Two years ago, I decided to go back to school and get my degree. I did this. Now I am looking for a job. I will need to do this in case things do not work out. You need to find out what it is that you want, your kids need a MOM. Hasn't this taken enough of your life away from you. Your children need to see their Mom smile again and enjoy life without depending on another person. One thing I have learnt from all of this is that we cannot control anyone else but ourselves.

As far as that bag is concerned let it sit there. By you taking it and emptying it, it is only a sign of controling. I have noticed that when I back away from my h, that is when he comes to me. It may not make sense to you, but it works and it has taken some time to really figure this out.

I must say though I do see some positive things. It seems that your husband is like mine and cannot bring himself to leave, I think he has a good character. Also, he does care about you, because as someone said above, he would not be reading your diary if he did not. My husband did the same.

Sometimes it takes difficult problems like this one to really open your eyes to what is really important in life. I really see life alot differently then I did. And I know that I am a better person for it, but I still would not wish this on anyone. I hopeI have helped you, but unfortuneatly, there is no easy fix.

God bless you.

cmd

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#236403 - 01/26/04 11:16 AM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
NeedingLove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/04
Posts: 75
Loc: Texas
I thank everyone for their replies. This has been the biggest stuggle I have ever faced in my life. There is never a day that is easy.

I am trying so hard to look and be positive in front of my H, not letting him see my hurt, but it is hard. I've changed my of doing things around here, for about a week, and I really have not seen a big change in him, at all.

We went to some friends over the weekend to a dinner party. First time we have been anywhere in 5 or 6 months. He acted semi normal around other people, but when I was around he would act different.

On our way home from the party, I told him I wanted to drive, because he had a few drinks, not much, but we didn't need a ticket either, if we got stopped. As soon as we left, he started treating me like dirt, yelling at me all the way home. I couldn't do anything right. Turn the windshield wipers on, turn them off, turn your bright lights on turn them off. He was driving me crazy. I am 42 years old and know how to drive. My husband would have never treated me like this before.

We come home went to bed and he hasn't said a word to me since Saturday night. He hasn't even spoke a word to either of his kids 19 and 16 since that night, and he has been in the same room as them. So wierd.

There was also another problem that Saturday night. My husband told our 16 year old daughter she needed to be home by 11:00 that night. That really upset her, because her curfew is normally 12:00. What was wierd he never has been worried when she leaves, comes home or anything anymore. Use to, she couldn't leave to go somewhere, now he does not even care or even ask. But that night was different, he was treating her like a 10 year old. She came to me crying and could not understand why her Dad was being so mean to her and not letting her stay till 12:00. I gave her permission to stay till 12:00. My husband did no say a word to me.

She wasn't doing anything wrong, hanging with her friends at the same party we were at. He hasn't been a parent to her in over a year, why did he think he had to be such a big shot that night. My daughter has taken up for her dad for the past 2 years, saying there was nothing wrong with him, it was just me. Now she see a different side of her dad, and now she is getting really scared. They use to have such a close father and daughter relationship. Our 19 year old son has seen it for a while and he has already turned against his dad. Does it bother my husband, NO!

He does not see he has a problem, at all. I hate this silent treatment he gives. We walk on pins and needles every single day. I am so afraid to say anything, because I am so afraid I will say the wrong thing and he will lose his temper, over something he shouldn't even get mad over. Makes absolutly no sense to me.

I don't work and this staying home is driving me crazy all day. My mind spins out of control. I stay on the internet all day trying to find help and more help, it never stops.

I try to leave all my books and material out for my husband to see and possibly read, but it seems to only make him madder. Do yall think I should put all my reading material up and not let him see it or should I leave it out to show him I am trying to find a solution to his problem. We only have one problem. He doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks everyone is against him. Any suggestions out there.

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#236404 - 01/26/04 10:46 PM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
ottocat Offline
Member

Registered: 08/22/03
Posts: 96
Loc: North Carolina/USA
Hi NeedingLove -

First of all - thank the Good Lord that your husband has not left your home. Many do - and although it's very difficult to have them at home during this time - you can still connect with each other. When they leave - it's much harder.

He will not make a bit of sense right now. He will treat your teenagers like they are much younger. That's because he is in denial that he is as old as he is. And all the silence is because he is into himself - and nothing else.

Unfortunately anyone who goes into a severe midlife crisis has developmental problems. They never matured correctly - and now all those weak "underpinnings" are having to be addressed. That's why a lot act like "teenagers" - because they think they are! I would imagine that your husband came out of some kind of dysfunctional family. I know my husband did - and I'm paying a huge price for his parents immaturities!

Try to keep a sense of compassion for your husband. I know he seems like a monster - but believe it or not - he is going through an internal hell. I don't think any of us would want to trade places with them!

Give him all the space he needs - and try to detach from his misery. Take care of yourself and the kids - and find fun things to do out of the house. If he wants to keep to himself - let him. The rest of the family can find some pleasure in their day.

This won't last forever - it just seems like it at times!

Blessings - and hang in there -

Ottocat


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#236405 - 01/27/04 06:42 AM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
NeedingLove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/04
Posts: 75
Loc: Texas
Thank you ottocat.

I'm trying to tun my life around, but it is difficult. Yes, I am luck my husband is still at home and we still sleep together in the same bed, but it's different, so different. I want to touch him so bad. I try every night, just try to let my hand touch him, put it beside him, anything to be close to him. He pulls aways or puts the covers between us. It was just two weeks ago, he rolled over and put his arms around me in the night, didn't last long, but it was heaven to me.

No, he did not come from a dysfunctional family He came from a very good, christian loving family. He has the the best parents anyone could ever ask for, and I say that with LOVE. They are part of my strenght right now, even though both of them are in bad health.

Big sign! Treating our kids like they are much younger, yep, he is 100% doing that. It is driving our kids aways from him.

I hate the silencing from him. He came home last night. Did not say a word to me or our kids, NOTHING. How was your day, nothing. Blows my mind. I think of all the things he is going through, that is the one stage or sign I hate the most the Silence.

Thank you all for your replies, and I am going to try to hang in there for the long haul, no matter how long it takes. Reading does help, I have DR and plan on getting DB tomorrow, I Hope.

God Bless you all, NeedingLove

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#236406 - 01/27/04 08:59 AM Re: Help: How Long Does Mid-Life Last
poepad Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 1437
Loc: PA
Quote:

I write in a journal every single day. I don't write bad things about my husband, but I do right down my feelings and how I wished he would change and treat me and the kids better. I hid my journal, or I thought it was hid, but I found out my husband has been reading my journal all along, everyday without me knowing it.

Since you have time, have 2 journals, one for him and one for you. His journal is for your entertainment, talk about,fanticies sp, secret meeting you are setting up. Drive him crazy.

Get you but back to school, and get at least a part time job. Nothing wrong with part time work while kids are in school. School are always in need of part time people.

If you got a degree, you can be a subsitute.



_________________________
Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train

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