Is there a better forum for "right back where we were 6 years ago?" I am definitely in the 180 mode right now, except today I only had about a 50% success rate.
Lessons learned from last time: we didn't work on anything after getting back together. On the plus side, I did learn enough last time that I'm doing much better with our limited contact, in not responding in-kind when she gives me a whole list of my problems and failings. I have acknowledged those problems and am striving to work on them for myself. That leads me to...
Counseling. I am trying to get help for managing my temper, depression, and I have several physical ailments that lead to chronic pain - and I definitely have shared too much of the pain and too little happiness. I'm trying to take care of myself, but it's hard to show that when you're trying to limit contact, I know...
Did I mention job stress - a very big issue. Both for me, working at home, and her having many part-time/short-time jobs.
The situation: we just bought a new house, to move to her hometown, where she now works. She never liked the crappy house we're in (I've acknowledged that moving here to save money and try to get out of debt was my idea - or fault, as she puts it). We had a pretty crappy day trip to VT the day before her B-day. She took some stuff and went to the new house and told me she needs a couple weeks alone, which left me stuck with no car. I had to rent one, which is not helping the finances any.
And for that alone time - she is definitely leaning on the shoulder of the contractor we hired to work on that house. So, the very real fear that it's more than comforting is there. And that also mirrors what happened last time.
My big mistake today was to text the contractor on the pretext of asking about the house. This prompted and enraged text from her warning me about stalking, etc. It clearly shows that he told her - and didn't answer my question about the house by the way. So the guy we hired, refuses to talk to me, but they text very frequently (don't ask how I know).
That is just gut-wrenching painful, because it also causes me to flash back to the last time with the current wife, and my first wife who also lined up a replacement before leaving.
No, she refused any kind of counseling. And boy, did I ever not keep up with the changes!
All of my problems increased - job stress, debt, health issues. I directed my frustrations into a lot of anger, instead of finding healthy ways to deal with them.
We don't communicate well at all. I know she's hurting and feels unloved and neglected. We have intimacy problems, as well, and that's where I gave up and fell right back into my old, nonproductive way of blaming that for all of our problems.
I desperately need to focus on the 180. I need to absolutely let her initiate any contact for a bit. I ran into trouble when the warning bells and flashbacks started over the possibility of an OM.
Another problem is, I have the rental car for another week. She started this separation by stating she needed a break from all the fighting and had taken enough stuff for a couple weeks to the new house. So... What happens then? Stay tuned.
From what I recall when you were here the first time, you held alot of resentment for your W. That's what happens when you don't change. It starts to grow.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
This does bring up a point, though. Why do I feel like I'm wronged, have a right to be angry, and maybe I should take the high road and leave, but when she actually acts, I crumble?
Because you aren't the one that was totally wronged. Both of you got into a vicious circle of hurting one another. I recall a number of us said that you had to be the one to start changing first in order for things to start off right. You argued against that.
How things go from here on out depends on you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Definitely a long road ahead. Going to be longer if I can't focus on my work. I was already having a struggle there. This is in the get a life category, I guess. I wish I could focus on work and lose myself in it, but I panic, and can't think. Because I work for a large corporation doing computer programming, I can't let my mind go as my hands do their thing like I could do with other types of work.
The panic/depression etc. is something I'm trying to work on. Using my employer's EAP, it took me several days of confusion and calling just to get a therapist lined up and then quite some more time trying to actually get through. Now I have an appointment next Wednesday. Wow. A lot of time to try and keep myself from doing stupid stuff.
Much better. And blood sugar is getting close to normal range. It was at near death level. Work is definitely going to need to be changed - well, unlikely the stress will change, but I need to deal with it better. Trying to practice mindfulness. Being in the moment. That ties in with the anger management, and finding better ways to deal with stuff.
Got a cancellation at the counselor/therapist office. Get to go today at 3:00 instead of next Wed. Great for me! :-) But, is there any way I can let W know without it violating the 180 principles? Because I'm in the no-initiating-contact phase for sure. And it's not like I want to blast it to the world on Facebook. Hmmmm.
Disagree. A sense of humor is very important, even here. There's no correlation to discussions here about the situation and how I might communicate with my wife.
I do have a wry sense of humor... or I can be very sarcastic. So that's it in the good and bad sense. Something I will definitely have to work on. I have a very busy mind, so often I'm thinking a mile a minute and might have an expression on my face that she takes as me giving her a dirty look or something, when I'm just in my own world.
Also, sorry I was so argumentative when people, like yourself, were only trying to help. I will try to do better. Sometimes in text, things get taken wrong.
It's been a very stressful couple of years work-wise - no excuses, but that's where I really need to learn to prevent different parts of my life from wrecking the other parts.
The 1st visit with the counselor went very well. I think it will be the best thing I've ever done for my mental health. I've been to short-term, groups, etc. before, but I want to keep this going.
