Surviving Infidelity

[2chiquitos]

Hi bugsy!
It was painful. I'm much better. As I said before it took me a full day to recover. I went to my mtgs but find it difficult to share on these things because sometimes the suggestions are a bit different from my IC. Al Anon is great for me and helping me heal from all my issues. When it comes to recovering from the infidelity, I find better advice from IC or After the Affair book.

Last night H went on about how we should plan a family trip somewhere on the East coast. He was going on about it and asked me what I thought. I said I don't know maybe if we started to save money for it. He continued on and said, what do you think? I said, maybe as the time gets closer I'll get excited about it. He continued on. Finally, I knew what bugged me about this talk. I said, (in a kind and loving way) Honestly, I have a hard time thinking about going on a trip because I still hold a lot of resentment.

It was late. He said, I'm going to go check on the kids (he never does this). And stayed in their room. Kids were asleep so I assume he lay down with them. I went to bed.

I kept thinking, did I say something wrong? I don't think so. These are the consequences of his actions. I didn't say it to make him feel bad. In fact, I said it cuz the conversation made me feel uncomfortable and I'm not ready for it. I would love to go on a trip some day but not in the near future. I should tell him the last two sent...

[labug]

Glad you're feeling better.

What happened to your last sentence?

[2chiquitos]

I'm in a hole and I need help getting out. I stopped going to my meetings as often because I felt that I needed to find a sponsor. I haven't found one. I haven't really looked. I know what I need to do to get out of it but I am being very stubborn about it.

It's affecting me and my relationship. I've lost the motivation to move.

[Valeska19]

How can we help you? We're here.

[2chiquitos]

Thank you V-

I called to ask about Retro- and they said I had to be married. I was pinning all my hopes that it would be the solution to all this. Problem is I have all these things about the past in my head and I don't know how to talk about them to H in a constructive healthy way. I worry that it will come out all wrong (spiteful, resentful). I worry that he will feel overwhelmed just listening. I hate seeing him look overwhelmed.

I got the number to a MC a friend went to and we would have to pay him out of pocket. We don't have extra money to do this. Next is doing Bible study. My friend who I got the MC # from has been trying to get me to attend bible study. She believes it's the solution to all this. I have nothing to lose.

I think I know who could be my sponsor. I've hesitated asking people because I worry that I will pick the wrong person and find myself in a situation where I need to say, I'm sorry this isn't working out. Break up with my sponsor is my fear.

I want to share with him what I went through during our separation. I've shared it before but I want to share it again. I don't know if I'm looking for validation, empathy, remorse. This is why I haven't said anything. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, to make him feel guilty.

I think I want him to validate it. But in the meetings I learn that I don't need him to validate it. I need to do it myself. This is too much for me. I feel overwhelmed when I think about working on this on my own.

That's all for tonite. I'm going to have to do something else to relax my thoughts before I go to bed.

[labug]

Hi, darlin'

You probably know what I'm going to ask...What is it you need from him? What is it you need for you?

A pound of flesh?

(((VP)))

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you V-

I called to ask about Retro- and they said I had to be married. I was pinning all my hopes that it would be the solution to all this. Problem is I have all these things about the past in my head and I don't know how to talk about them to H in a constructive healthy way. I worry that it will come out all wrong (spiteful, resentful). I worry that he will feel overwhelmed just listening. I hate seeing him look overwhelmed.

Wow...I think your inability to even allow him to discuss a fun trip, b/c YOU were still hurt and you were not ready to let go of the past, will keep you both stuck...

You know what I'm thinking...which is that you need to let go of the past and you certainly cannot make HIM stay stuck in the past with you.

Why not let him TALK about a fun thing he wants to plan or do with the family? I saw it as a positive.

But, do You believe he forgot that you were hurt? You think he needed to be reminded of that again, in case he viewed the relationship as a source of joy and respite and NOT as another hurdle HE has to climb to earn your affection and love??

2, you must see that its no wonder he feels overwhelmed. YOU are making his road to salvation so long and so steep and it seems to have no end b/c YOU are still in pain...and you have Not moved forward, you think he has to be next to you.

Do you see what I mean? You are holding yourself back AND holding him back.

But the thing is, you two have no future if you cannot let go of the past. When I hear you talk about the past it is as if you want your h to see the past in the same way you do.

That is impossible, and it's NOT going to help you move forward. Forget how he sees the past. What matters is how you two view the future.

What harm is there in Letting dream or plan a trip, and don't be a downer when he does?



I got the number to a MC a friend went to and we would have to pay him out of pocket. We don't have extra money to do this. Next is doing Bible study.


Whoah...no other MC is available? You cannot get any counseling from your health insurance? What about a sliding scale for MC? Many offer that.

My friend who I got the MC # from has been trying to get me to attend bible study. She believes it's the solution to all this. I have nothing to lose.


Whatever it takes for you to let go of the past, stop letting Fear lie to you. The fear tells you that holding onto your pain from the past, somehow keeps you safer from future harm. But that is a lie. Fear is NOT helping you in this relationship. So do whatever it takes to start feeling some trust and faith in life.

I think I know who could be my sponsor. I've hesitated asking people because I worry that I will pick the wrong person and find myself in a situation where I need to say, I'm sorry this isn't working out. Break up with my sponsor is my fear.


So the FEAR of it not working out, is enough to make you guarantee it Not working out?

Do you see how wacky that is?



I want to share with him what I went through during our separation. I've shared it before but I want to share it again.


2, please...PLEASE Stop sharing it with him. He knows.
He has heard it b/c you have told him about it....and this is you wanting him to see and feel the same as you do, about the past.

Stop that. It's controlling of you, as well as being fruitless b/c there is no way we can replicate the pain and experience someone else has. Why must he?

Why not focus on how you see today/tomorrow the same, not the past?

You don't have to see him burn his arm so he can "understand" what YOU felt when you were burned. Do you see how unproductive this is? Truly, you are crippling your R and yourself by clinging to your pain.

How does it help anyone to keep telling him how hurt you were? What do you think that will "Make him" feel? I'm really wanting you to think about the words you wrote and what your goals are. Now look at those goals and ask yourself if one or two of those goals might not be so healthy...and get rid of those "goals" b/c they are holding you back.


I don't know if I'm looking for validation, empathy, remorse. This is why I haven't said anything. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, to make him feel guilty.


What "Good" reasons are there for it? You mistake him feeling reminded, again, of how badly he hurt you, with some sort of promise it won't happen again. But I think that has already happened and by reminding him over and over, you make yourself out as a victim, which is how he will see you. Either he will NOT be too attracted to the victim in his life or he'll tire of being painted as the bad guy, and neither of these helps your R.


I think I want him to validate it.


What would that look like? What has he NOT said that you need to hear? And how will reminding him of your pain, assist you? Why not just tell him what you need?


But in the meetings I learn that I don't need him to validate it. I need to do it myself. This is too much for me. I feel overwhelmed when I think about working on this on my own.

What is "too much"?

You are only working on YOU and that is your job.

HE has to work on HIS stuff. That is not your job. Do not "show him the consequences" of his actions, (your note of Nov 30) b/c that's not your job. Life does that for him. You just work on YOU. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Just get thru each day with your mind on THE NOW and Not on fear.

When you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith.

That's all for tonite. I'm going to have to do something else to relax my thoughts before I go to bed.

Faith helps you feel peace, so do whatever it takes to get in touch with your faith.

IF a bible study does it, then JOIN. But work on turning your pain and anger over to God and then,

don't take it back!

[2chiquitos]

I just realized I posted this a year ago. I have come such a long way since then.

I no longer feel the need to get him to know exactly how I felt or went through during that time. To reiterate 25, dont focus on the past.

The MC, I havent pursued. I continue to go to Al Anon and that has helped tremendously. Ive learned that I cant change others, I can only change myself. Dont stress. Keep it simple. I wont be the perfect mother, daughter, partner, friend, employee. If I strive for perfection, I will neglect one of my roles.

I continue working on my temper. I practice positive discipline with my kids and when I loose my temper, I backpedal.

I make time for myself, for my kids and for my partner. We go on date nights and now I plan them. I cant expect him to be romantic and surprise me with a well thought out date night. He will always chose a dinner and movie. Which is why I plan it ;-)

I continue to have demons that haunt me from the past but I have learned that I can address them one at a time and not all at once. THe decisions I make today are not set in stone but what I need to maintain my serenity. When I am ready I will tackle the next thing on the list.

For now, I just dont want to stress and I want to make time for my partner and my kids. Ive learned that life is too short to stress about work and the past.

I am ready to be more active on the board and look forward to reading others posts. I always think of everyone who has gone through these boards and I pray that you will all find your purpose in this journey towards recovery.

[Jefe]

Thank you for this^^^

[labug]

I just realized I posted this a year ago. I have come such a long way since then.

I no longer feel the need to get him to know exactly how I felt or went through during that time. To reiterate 25, dont focus on the past.

The MC, I havent pursued. I continue to go to Al Anon and that has helped tremendously. Ive learned that I cant change others, I can only change myself. Dont stress. Keep it simple. I wont be the perfect mother, daughter, partner, friend, employee. If I strive for perfection, I will neglect one of my roles.

I continue working on my temper. I practice positive discipline with my kids and when I loose my temper, I backpedal.

I make time for myself, for my kids and for my partner. We go on date nights and now I plan them. I cant expect him to be romantic and surprise me with a well thought out date night. He will always chose a dinner and movie. Which is why I plan it ;-)

I continue to have demons that haunt me from the past but I have learned that I can address them one at a time and not all at once. THe decisions I make today are not set in stone but what I need to maintain my serenity. When I am ready I will tackle the next thing on the list.

For now, I just dont want to stress and I want to make time for my partner and my kids. Ive learned that life is too short to stress about work and the past.

I am ready to be more active on the board and look forward to reading others posts. I always think of everyone who has gone through these boards and I pray that you will all find your purpose in this journey towards recovery.

I'm so happy to see this.

This post sounds great.

Are you great?

((( )))