Can my relationship with H survive infidelity? I'd like to think it can. Just as I've worked on my 180s these past 2yrs, so has H. Today our relationship is very very different from what it was before BD.
Although we didn't do it together, we started working on piecing long before he told me he wanted to recommit. I am so proud of the man he has become and he has risen from all of this. I knew he could do it even in the beginning right after i discovered the affair. I think I doubted my patience but I was determined throughout the journey to continue to detach and work on myself. Most importantly to allow my higher power to lead the way and take a back seat.
I plan to journal our trials and tribulations and hope that you will all support me as you have in the past.
Those who are just beginning, stay strong and find a support system that will remind you of your goals. Those who have been in the process, continue to rediscover yourself and when you find yourself obsessing about your WAS or your sitch, turn the focus back on yourself!
Many hugs to you all!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
So far, all is good. I realized that the heat doesn't bother me as much as before. Acting "as if" for such a long time has really stuck to me. I'm reminded that this is temporary and it will soon pass.
Also H n I finally ML. I was afraid that I would be bombarded with awful memories but I wasn't. Even after we ML I thought I would get emotional and I didn't. I didn't get that ugly knot in my throat where I hold back the tears. It felt normal.
I do continue to get triggers. Sunday morning I refocused but by the evening they were really strong. I took the dog for a walk, showered and went to bed early. H noticed I was avoiding him and asked me what was wrong. I told him I don't know what to say. I usually manage these things on my own and I don't know how to tell him without sucking him into it with guilt and manipulation so I just keep it to myself. We have an MC appt scheduled for Wed. I will bring it up then.
I need to confess, we didn't use BC. I keep thinking about this. I don't think we're ready to have a 3rd baby. Or at least, I don't know I'm ready. I'm afraid since H was very distant during my other pregnancies. I remember I had a lot of resentment towards H during my 1st pregnancy and during my 2nd preg I was naseaus all the time. I let everyone know how awful I felt and would cry at night cuz I couldn't enjoy anything.
I also don't want to stress about something that's not even happening. What do they say, 80% of what you worry about doesn't even materialize? For the next 10 days I will keep the focus on something other than this!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
We had our first MC session with a new therapist. We both connected well with him and I would like to think that we'll get a lot out of it.
MC, Do you trust (H)?I frozeI'll take that as a NO.
MC, What would you do if he cheated again? I froze.You need to make sure he knows that is a boundary he can not cross again. You will leave him definitely.
MC, Are you resentful about the affair?What I responded has left me raw. As if I walked away from the session with an open wound.
Me, I'm resentful that even after I discovered the affair, he continued it. Even after OW was vindictive towards me, he continued it. Even after I discovered that he had traveled with her, he continued it. Even after my family knew he was continuing the affair, he continued it.
MC gave me and H some suggestions on how to work on the relationship...
triggers 1-be aware that it's a trigger, 2-refocus and 3-FIND H AND TOUCH HIM (LL-PT)!
Listen to each other for 15 minutes every day.
Date night 1-2 times a month.
Love Language (got it) After the Affair (got it) 7 Principles of Marriage (need to get it)
Since the session, I've had ongoing triggers that are so much more difficult to shake off. This session has made me rethink reconciling. From what I've heard others say, I will get that feeling again throughout this process.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I agree with Bug. Take it slow and STAY POSITIVE. You are in a place where so many of us would like to be and have the opportunity so many of us would like to have.
There are no guarantees, for sure. But isn't that so with everything in life and every relationship?
Hang in there! (and call me if you need to talk!)
(((((((2ch)))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thank you so much labug and KG for stopping by. I need your words of encouragement just as much now as I did before.
Generally today was a great day. I didn't get a chance to go to my am mtg but we painted and that is so therapeutic. The rest of the day was also good. Night was rough but only for a moment.
I didn't follow MCs orders. I got a trigger and instead of reaching out to H I walked out of the house and ran around the block (in heels). I felt like I was drowning in a pool. Running helped me open up my airway and be able to breathe.
I came home and H was concerned. I told him the truth. I struggle to be close to him when I get these triggers. I'm not angry. I'm trying to take care of myself.
He wants to know what he did or said that brought on the trigger. I told him I don't think that's important. My triggers will happen regardless. He can't help me avoid getting them but he can help me to manage them.
On the plus side, we talked for 15 after and it was nice. It helped me to get close to him.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Hi labug! I was thinking of you today! I hope you're doing well ;-)
SD, Thank you for your words of encouragement! I need it!
Last night was rough. I let my trigger get the best of me. Again I ran (literally) out of the house while I was bathing the kids. H stepped in and took over. If H wasn't there I would've continued to bathe the kids and let them watch TV right after so that I could recollect myself. Instead, I bolted.
We talked but it just got worse. I realize that I had expectations from him when I told him about my trigger. I told him that I feel that he treated her and spoke to her so much better than he ever treated me. I expected him to erase the past. To tell me that OW meant nothing to him and I was always on his mind. Tell me that we (kids and I) were always a priority. I know that's a lie.
Instead he said that when he left he had no intention of coming back but when he saw my changes he reconsidered his decision. He said we were terrible towards each other before. Today I realized that he justified his decision because he revised our history. If he ever understands that our relationship wasn't as terrible as he thought, that is when he will feel the tremendous wave of the consequences of his actions.
This morning I was difficult and again he stepped in to finish getting the kids ready. He said I shouldn't have the kids when I'm like this. I said, I've been worse before and you never stepped in. He said he didn't know how bad I was when I would get my triggers.
I had a newborn and a 3yo that was not only regressing because of a new baby but because his dad suddenly disappeared. It amazes me how clueless he was.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
