My husband and I have been married almost two years. Together for three. We had a great relationship at the beginning, like most. We didn't see each other a lot at first. (Once a week). He basically works two full time jobs by choice. One is family owned. It was ok though we started seeing one another a few times a week it worked ok, it was about the quality of our time really.
So I knew he was busy from the start, he was open and upfront about that. But as we got closer and got into a relationship, he also let me know clearly that I was so very important to him (the most important actually). And he made time for us and our relationship. If there was an event he was there, a family get together he was there even if a bit late. He wanted to be with me and have a life with me. We spoke of this many times.
Well fast forward another year and a half and after the wedding and he starts changing. He is later and later at work. Than after work he heads to the family job well he is later and later there. And it has just gotten worse. He always wanted me to talk him if his time became an issue. I tried two times. Last time I even wrote it out, cried and told him I was lonesome for him all the time and needed him. He just shrugged his shoulders.
He no longer comforts me like he used to, he doesn't care if I cry, he doesn't care if things are wrong with us he just leaves and I don't hear from him. He never treated me this way before I married him. He couldn't stand if I was upset. He would call and call. He had to fix it
He makes time for anything and everyone else but he has no time for me. We maybe see one another a hour a day. He works all weekend to. So the relationship is time starved and I know you will say well it was from the start but it was different because than it was different. The little time we had together was so important to both of us. Now if it means visiting or just being longer away he is. And I am not perfect by no means but I have given up. He shouldn't be avoiding home, I don't nag him to do anything here. I quit talking to him about my needs. I just go to work, keep the house clean, cook his suppers, and pack his lunches. And feel like his roommate versus his wife.
He has no time for me and our home. He makes me feel like he has no room in his life for me anymore and like after he married me I became a bother to him versus the woman he loved.
It just hurts me so bad because we spoke about what we wanted out of this marriage. And I was terrified being it was my second go round. I wanted it to be right this time. But all he said than and the way he was to me is gone. And it hurts me because that was my biggest fear in marrying him was that he would change on me. He begged me to give him a chance, let him prove it to me, he wasn't like my ex, he promised. And now this. I'm sorry this got so long, I'm just devasted I have no one to talk to. My family doesn't care. Any advice please. Thanks!
He has known how I feel for along time. He has just become much to busy to care what happens. We see each other maybe a hour a day. And have a few hours on the weekend maybe 15-20, but that time is mainly Sat & Sun nights.
We don't talk really anymore. I feel the relationship has been so time starved it just sucked the life out of it. He is almost like someone I no longer know.
We are in our mid 30's. and I don't believe it is his responsibility to make me happy. I just spend my life alone. And he did tell me from the start he was busy, but he claimed he wanted to be married and have a life with me and to be able to do things together (share a life).
I just feel so bad. My first marriage I was young. So I knew what I wanted this time and he was everything. He was kind, sensitive, funny, he liked me for me, but the biggest thing was I could talk to him and felt so comfortable. He was my friend. All of that is gone, once we got married that just went away and I became this nagging, controlling, wife. At least that's how he portrays me, and that hurts me because I don't nag him, I never ask him for anything, and I have no say over his life.
And in no way am I perfect, I have my faults. But I have tried, cried, talked to him, wrote to him many times, and I'm just tired.
You say you spend your life alone but why do that? If he's out all the time then get a social life. It doesn't have to be endless nights out drinking but decide yourself things you might like to do, try or experience.
Since my W said she wanted to separate I've signed up for Project365, a French evening class and today a creative course in writing books for children. I have no intention of just sitting at home alone while W sorts through some things.
You don't have to be alone. Make your own friends. Make your own life.
He may not understand how unhappy you are at the moment. My W told me she was unhappy for about six months and I didn't really "get it" until she said she wanted a divorce. At that point once I realized how serious it was I really wanted to change.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
any news or updates? And have you read the Div Remedy book yet? You really need to.
And GAL, which means Get A Life and do some 180s, i.e., the opposite of what you've been doing. The crying and pleading is the same as nagging and complaining.
My h is an MD and his hours were unrelenting. There were times he stayed late for added cases SOMETIMES for lousy reasons and sometimes for good reasons.
but I did not want to "reward" him when he was late, by being warm and welcoming. INstead I had my arms crossed literally and figuratively. I did that for years.
Why didn't it occur to me to give him a home to MISS? Not til I read the Divorce Busting material did I have a simple but profound revelation.
MY approach had not worked. More of the same probably would not work either.
Time for a change. So that's what I did and it did help.
But you MUST read the books that form the basis of this forum's approach or you won't get it.
Divorce Busting is the first book but Divorce Remedy is the 2nd edition. I think if you are only going to read one, read the Div Remedy book.
Good luck and keep on keeping on.
Work on the one person you can control, YOU. You also said your family does not care. That's odd.
What kind of marriage did you parents have? Why would you choose two men who are unavailable?
Dig deep. Be brave and keep posting.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What does he do for fun? One way to connect with a man is to participate in his hobbies with him. Is there anything he does for fun without you that you could start doing with him?
It's a common dynamic that when you're dating, women engage in activities with their boyfriends, and the boyfriends spend a lot of time talking to and listening to their girlfriends.
After marriage, women tend to disengage from these activities, and men tend to disengage from the conversation.
Typically men like to "do" versus just talk, but if you do something with them they will start talking. i.e. he may not want to sit on the couch and talk to you, but if you're working on a project in the garage together and his hands are busy, he will talk away.
In the situation you've described above, I would bet that he grossly underestimates the extent of your discontent and the possible consequences.
I would suggest that after doing some soul-searching as recommended by 25, you let H know that you are so frustrated at this point that you are going to leave the marriage unless something changes. Not that you're thinking about leaving, but that you ARE going to leave. Tell him, however, that you don't want to do that, you want to have a better marriage, and a marriage that is better for him as well.
Then YOU lay out the plan you want -- don't leave it to him to come up with a remedy. What you ask for must be specific -- i.e. not "I want you to talk to me more", that's too subjective. Instead, "I want to spend 20 minutes per day of 'quality time' where we go for a walk and talk to each other without distractions". If every day is not reasonable given his work schedule, make it every other day. "On the weekends, I would like us to reserve X hours to do Y activity together as a standing date." "We will go to a restaurant together once every two weeks" Whatever, you get the idea, lay out what you want.
You may resent that he's not doing these things "because he wants to" but instead because you are asking. He may not want to do these things to start with.
Do them anyway.
How you feel follows what you do, so start by doing. If, as 25 suggests, this time together is positive for him, then he will start enjoying it and will do it because he DOES want to do it, even though it didn't start out that way.
My W confronted me years ago and said that she needed "more" from me, but that was as specific as it got. I had no idea what that meant and didn't feel I had more to give, so I did not respond to it. If I got that comment again I would say "what does 'more' look like to you? When I'm giving you more, what am I doing? What are we doing?" Your chances of having your expectations met goes up substantially if you can get very specific.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
