My husband and I have been married almost two years. Together for three. We had a great relationship at the beginning, like most. We didn't see each other a lot at first. (Once a week). He basically works two full time jobs by choice. One is family owned. It was ok though we started seeing one another a few times a week it worked ok, it was about the quality of our time really.
So I knew he was busy from the start, he was open and upfront about that. But as we got closer and got into a relationship, he also let me know clearly that I was so very important to him (the most important actually). And he made time for us and our relationship. If there was an event he was there, a family get together he was there even if a bit late. He wanted to be with me and have a life with me. We spoke of this many times.
Well fast forward another year and a half and after the wedding and he starts changing. He is later and later at work. Than after work he heads to the family job well he is later and later there. And it has just gotten worse. He always wanted me to talk him if his time became an issue. I tried two times. Last time I even wrote it out, cried and told him I was lonesome for him all the time and needed him. He just shrugged his shoulders.
He no longer comforts me like he used to, he doesn't care if I cry, he doesn't care if things are wrong with us he just leaves and I don't hear from him. He never treated me this way before I married him. He couldn't stand if I was upset. He would call and call. He had to fix it
He makes time for anything and everyone else but he has no time for me. We maybe see one another a hour a day. He works all weekend to. So the relationship is time starved and I know you will say well it was from the start but it was different because than it was different. The little time we had together was so important to both of us. Now if it means visiting or just being longer away he is. And I am not perfect by no means but I have given up. He shouldn't be avoiding home, I don't nag him to do anything here. I quit talking to him about my needs. I just go to work, keep the house clean, cook his suppers, and pack his lunches. And feel like his roommate versus his wife.
He has no time for me and our home. He makes me feel like he has no room in his life for me anymore and like after he married me I became a bother to him versus the woman he loved.
It just hurts me so bad because we spoke about what we wanted out of this marriage. And I was terrified being it was my second go round. I wanted it to be right this time. But all he said than and the way he was to me is gone. And it hurts me because that was my biggest fear in marrying him was that he would change on me. He begged me to give him a chance, let him prove it to me, he wasn't like my ex, he promised. And now this. I'm sorry this got so long, I'm just devasted I have no one to talk to. My family doesn't care. Any advice please. Thanks!
I am glad you found Michele's website. There is alot of help here to get you on the right track. Please read the 1st chapter of Divorce Remedy, you can find it under sample Michele's books. The best way to start turning things around is working with a Divorce Busting coach. They are fantastic, and you will hang up after the first session with a plan on how to go forward. It is also extremely important to understand how you got to this point so early in the realtionship....and how not to find yourself in this situation again. Take good care and I will look forward to talking to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Then the two of you are at two different levels of relationship maturity. He's making alot of the rookie mistakes that you make when you're first M'd. You, however, have expectations because of what happened before.
He thinks you will always be there no matter what until you pack your bags. Have you discussed C with him?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No I don't think he will take me seriously. And we have spoke many times. He says he knows he is doing wrong by me in this marriage. But even after all the times we spoke he does nothing to change it. I did speak to him about couseling a few months back. He just is to busy. He is always to busy for me. He only has time for his job and than the family business. Oh and also his hobby like working outside he finds time for that. Like say he comes home and he has 15 minutes before he has to go to work he had no problem spending 10 of that outside and only having 5 left with me and than complaing oh were does the morning go. I'm just always last on his list.
I just don't want this for the rest of my life. I knew he was a busy guy when I met him but he treated me so wonderfully. Well like I said after the wedding he just started treating me different, being very mean to me, saying things to me I never thought I would here from him, walking out on me,etc. And I'm not perfect but I really have tried hard to make this work, but I feel like I'm in a no win situtaion because everything I do, and say is wrong, alot of the time I honestly feel like he hates me now.
Yes we still have a active sex life, it is off and on, I would not say it is as on as it used to be. He is always tired. It used to be everyday or at least every other, now it can be days, but he complains that I quit giving him any, but he's to tired to do anything alot of the time.
Yes I truly believe that to that after the wedding he got very complacent in this marriage and just takes me for granite. Before we were married he was always worried about losing me and just great and now he just acts like he could care less about me, what is going on in my life. I am no longer on his list of prorities. I feel like I am just here taking up space. I felt like this in my first marriage and I let him know all about that and how I never wanted to feel that way again. And he was so understanding and all, and now here I sit same boat just a different man.
Yours is actually a very common story. He has shut down in the M, you are trying to reach out to him but to him all your reaching out just looks like nagging. So now you are thinking about leaving. At some point (and it may have happened already) you'll decide you can't get through to him and you will quit trying. He will think things are BETTER because in his eyes, you have quit "nagging" so things are fine! Unbeknownst to him, you will be secretly planning your escape. Then one day you will "drop the bomb" on him, you'll tell him you're done trying, that you asked him to change and he wouldn't, and you see no hope. Here's the truly sad part- you will think that this will make him happy too because you think he's as miserable as you, but he will be SHOCKED that you're leaving the M and he will THEN do everything he can to save the M, but to you it will be "too late for that". This is a pattern that is repeated over and over and over again. It describes the majority of stories here.
So how can you break out of this pattern?
First, quit "nagging". You aren't trying to nag, you are trying to communicate with him. But he sees it as nagging and does what all men do when nagged- shuts down and/ or walks away.
Second, understand that he's not going to snap out of it on his own one day and start lavishing you with attention. If you want him to change, then you've got to change. You're stuck in a cycle right now. Read the 5 Love Languages and learn how to fill his love tank, even if you don't think you love him anymore and you have to force yourself to do the love language steps it can lead to him falling back in love with you and vice versa. But YOU need to change first.
Third, as a last resort, drop the bomb on him BEFORE you are checked out. If my W had come to me before she was done with the M and given me an ultimatum, I would have moved heaven and earth to save the M. In fact I did just that, but for her it was "too late". And now she asks why I didn't do all of the things I've done BEFORE it was too late. The simple answer is this- I DIDN'T KNOW. I didn't know she was unhappy, I didn't know what I was doing wrong in the M, I didn't know she was checking out. Like most LBS's, I didn't know any of this until it was "too late". So if nothing else works for you, then take your H aside and tell him you are DONE with his lack of interest in you and the M and you are ready to move on. He may say "good riddance", but chances are better that he will be shocked out of his complacency and suddenly show genuine interest in pulling the M back together.
Also read through Sandi2's threads, she was in the exact same spot you are in when she came here, she was one foot out the door for much the same reasons as you describe. I think you might find it helpful to walk in her footsteps as she put her M back together again.
Thank you for your replies, I will read the posts you mentioned. We barely talk anymore it seems. He knows that I am not happy. But really he is to wrapped up in his own "I'm to busy" world to even care. If I did leave him, it would probably take him how long to even notice I was gone. I am just tired, I promised myself after my first marriage I would never live like that again. And I never thought I would with him. I don't know.
at741 We are kindred spirits. Same sitch just a different town! I went into my 2nd marriage thinking I had asked all the right questions before getting M again only to find myself completely frustrated and alone in my marriage.
My H works A LOT but when we were dating he'd make time for me - even staying up late and running on almost no sleep. After we were married he had no problem letting anyone and anything take up the little bit of free time he had. He let work pile on more and more responsibility with no push back (how many hours can one human work?) If he was home he was napping and grouchy. I'd make plans for myself to fill my time and he'd get mad that I didn't take his schedule into consideration. It was a lose-lose situation.
I tried talking to him about feeling like he was just a roommate (that conversation did not go well and fell on deaf ears). His response "this is what you signed up for."
It got to a point where I threw my hands up in the air and said, 'this isn't a marriage,' and asked him to leave.
We've been off and on ever since but I don't think he's ever gotten over me giving up on him and our M so quickly. My biggest regret was not going to MC before asking him to leave. It was almost like because I made the step of giving up he didn't ever fully have to take responsibility for the things that got us to that point. We'd get so far in recovering and he'd repeat word for word what I said to him the day I asked him to leave.
At any rate, I think you could really benefit from a DB coach or marriage counselor (even going on your own) to build up your own relationship skills before you take the step of leaving. I got a lot of insight into myself and better ways of being in a relationship that I wish I had earlier in our marriage.
Our marriage counselor was also really solution oriented and could frame things in a better way than I was able to. For example something I'd say to my H would be "How do you have time to go hunting out of state for a week but can't make time to go somewhere with me for an afternoon?" Whereas our MC would say to my H "What do you need to do at work in order to make yourself free for a week when you go hunting? Can you do those same things to make time for your W?" She didn't make him feel guilty for the hunting trip like I would have, she gave him a strategy for making time rather than making him feel like he had to choose one or the other. She was good about not making him feel like the bad guy, but giving us both tools.
The MC also opened my eyes to some of the things I was doing to contribute to the problem. Once again, I wish we had gone before I asked him to leave so I could have worked on those things before having him resent me for giving up.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Yes slow_it_ down it does sound so very familiar when I went back and read your past posts. My H was the same while dating, it was all about me when he wasn't working. He just couldn't see me enough. Call enough, talk enough. And now he has made himself so busy that he makes it seem bad to have down time if it pertains to me or being home with me. He loves to keep up on his hobbies and makes time for that even if it only leaves 5 minutes or no time for me. He is the one that so wanted to get married, couldn't wait, and soon after we did I went from being this so loved girlfriend to a controlling, nagging, wife like overnight, I kid you not. And I have no say over him nor his life he is so controlled by the family business it runs his life but yet I'm the terrible person in his life. I just don't understand and I really dispise the accusations. When he has a very easy, pampered life with me the way I see it. Yes I'm a nurture, and than be accused of doing nothing for him when he doesn't have to raise a finger at home. But a lot of the time I have heard people say "You never know what you have got till it"s gone". I know my ex husband says that now!!!
Men often marry a woman for the comfort level you bring. Like having a mom again, with benefits. You could TRY getting a life of your own, filled with your own interests, and see if that wakes him up and makes him realize he has to compete to keep you. I would also suggest you stop letting him 'not have to raise a finger' at home. Stop doing his laundry. Cook for yourself and if you feel generous, leave him a meal in the oven.
But the longer you stay the poor wife sitting by the phone, the more you stroke his ego and make him feel better about his decisions.
Well I almost lost my mom last night. She is in the hospital. And even then he still goes about his business as usual. He did get supper. But it would be so nice to not have to go through all these things alone. I truly feel single all I could do was cry on my way home from the hospital just always alone. And today I got nothing, no call or a text even like maybe to see how she is or even how I am. He is so self absorbed and as one family member said to me, he really has his priorities messed up and I don't even think he cares. It's always about him, his jobs, his family.
I just never dreamed he would be so thoughtless and treat me the way he does, like I'm such a bother/pest in his life.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My thoughts are with you during this tough time.
Have you had a chance to pick up the DR book?
Also, can you give any additional details like age of you or your H? Since he was so involved in his career when you first got together it sounds like he's not super young. In talking to many married couples during my own struggles I've noticed that the older the couple was (and the further along in their careers) when they got married the longer the adjustment period was in the beginning of their marriages where they went from being resentful of having to adapt their lives around another person to getting to that point where they started enjoying each other's company. Just something for you to keep in mind that maybe this is still him adjusting to married life and not a death sentence to all you hoped for in this marriage. Maybe he just needs more time to come around if you give him some space.
In the short term some things that might help.
1) Try not to bring up M #1. That's a lot of pressure on your H. If he feels like he's always being compared to what you had in the past it will just push him further away and make it easier to spend time away from you.
2) Shift the focus off of what he's doing and shift it back to yourself. What can you do to change things up? Can you do any 180's to change the dynamics between you?
3) If you had to gauge your attitude around him these days do you feel like you are upbeat, friendly and excited about your life when he's home? With the exception of the latest to happen with your mom, what kind of vibe were you giving off when he'd be at home?
It might be worth testing how he responds to you if you set your mind to being positive and upbeat around him at all costs for awhile. Even if it feels like 'pretending', set your mind to not letting him get you riled up and just act calm, cool and happy around him. Happiness and confidence are some of the most attractive qualities that really draw a spouse in so if you can get those two things back around him he may be more inclined to want make time for you.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
I did get the DR book just yesterday, so I'm anxious to start reading that. I am 36, H is 38. I never compare him to my exhusband outlloud, just my private thoughts. But thank you for the suggestions, I have really been trying to be more like me, even though I am stressed with my mom, dislike my job, I have been trying to be more happy, positive and engaging when he is home and when he calls.
Some great advice, as to backing off a bit. But again, depending on what happened in your first marriage and how you processed that will affect this relationship. It is so helpful to get professional direction, and solution based coaching is extremely directive and you will not feel at loose ends. I would be happy to discuss this with you. Best regards.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Just wanted to check in on you to see how the books are coming along. Have you been able to identify any 180's you can do to start to change the dynamics between you - to 'shake things up' a bit?
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Hi All, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back but with everything going on with my mom that has been my focus. It isn't looking good so I think it's probably just a matter of time. My husband still hasn't been up to see her or there for me at all. But I am getting along. I am really thinking I am just done, idk it just has to be about both people and it's not. I did read some of the DR today and I just don't know if I even want to try anymore. Do I Love him, yes. But I don't like the person he's become.
