It was nearing the century mark, and, dare I say it, I don't think we're exactly piecing anymore. We're here and I don't think either of us is going anywhere.
Lord, hindsight is 20/20.
Everything is a trigger. Everything. My car. My work. My master's degree. My child. Adele. California. Planes. Brunches. Pregnancy. Some are less offensive than others. Some are known and expected, others are complete slaps in the face.
I honestly don't know if I would have stayed if I knew just how much work this would be on the other side. And honestly, I'm just too f-ing stubborn to jump ship at this point. He's worked too hard. I've worked too hard. He is an excellent father, and I seriously doubt I would every find someone who is willing to work this hard to mend such a huge f-up.
Does that mean I'm happy?
I don't know. Some days I think I am. Other days I literally can't feel my hands and feet because I am still so enraged.
I graduated with my master's in December. I walked this past week. I went to the ceremony alone ahead of my family members because I had to be there early for to pick up my regalia. I cried the whole way to the ceremony in my car.
My child turned two this past month. While also stubborn (hey, comes by it honestly), she really is a wonderful child. I love being a mother. She is the only thing preventing me from doing something extremely illegal.
I want more children and soon. But this trauma is blocking me.
I even had my IUD removed. I'm not playing any games. H has wanted a 2nd child longer than I have at this point. It's not the prospect of another child that scares me.
It's being pregnant.
It literally sends me into a murderous rage where my throat tightens up and I become numb all over except for my chest which feels like it will explode. I cannot form words because my mind is racing too fast.
H is doing all he can, really. He's going to IC and couples. He tries to come home at a consistent time nightly, and when he doesn't he's got good communication. He's better about not becoming irritated when I get into these... moods. He just apologizes and tries to talk me out of the crazy.
My mind hasn't been going to the "I need to make this all end. Now." place. So that's a positive.
In fact, if anything, it goes there less often since coming off of the ADs. Weird.
Maybe this is so hard right now, this week, because my master's came to it's final close. Maybe it's because I knew this was the first feasible month we would be trying to conceive. Maybe because work is ending in 2 days, and I will have all my summer alone with my (crazy) thoughts.
I don't want this black spot to define my life. I don't want to not have more children because of it. I don't want to be scarred forever for 9 months of insanity.
Alright, now how much time do you and your H spend just having fun together? No relationship talk, no relationship 'work', just enjoying one another's presence?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I mean, we don't have relationship talks all that often, honestly.
Sometimes we're struggling with things to talk about in couples. As far as the day to day things go, we're fine. When we go out, we have a good time. This time of year we're both exhausted, but at least he doesn't take it out on me, and I don't take it out on him. We're pretty good about getting a date night in now and then. If we don't get one of those, then we schedule a family activity with the kiddo at least once per weekend. Our marriage, in our current state, is fine. And really, it was decent before all this mess too. Not to say this mess hasn't made our marriage better in some aspects, but it wasn't broken before the A.
I think that's probably the sh!ttiest thing about all this: the more I dig and analyze and try to figure out what went wrong and how I could have made things better the more I realize this had NOTHING to do with me.
It was H's problem. His insanity. His insecurity. His BS. He just dragged me down with him.
We honest to God did not have a crap marriage to begin with. That's why all of this was such a freaking blindsiding event. I tried to take responsibility for a long time. Maybe I was neglectful. Maybe I wasn't as loving and attention giving as I should have been. Maybe if I'd been more adventurous or more fun. Maybe if I made more money or managed my money better.
No. The more we dig and analyze, and the more we talk, the more we realize this was just him being a selfish d!ck. Sure, he was scared. Sure, he wasn't intentionally malicious. But the long and short of this is he screwed this up all on his own. And he came to this conclusion faster than I did.
I don't like being the victim. I don't like stuff just "happening" to me. I don't expect, or want, anyone to feel sorry for me.
But this was not my fault. And at least when you take fault/responsibility, you feel like there's something you can do to prevent it from happening again.
Maybe that's why the thought of being pregnant angers me so. If he fu&ks up again, then I'm the big fool who allowed myself to be in that vulnerable state again knowing what I know. And then I'll have no one to blame but myself.
God bless you. I'm reading your posts and I'm so sorry for you. I fully understand what you are passing through. Maybe you'll be able to forget. I didn't. I'm not able to forgive either. Everything's so alive in my eyes and in my mind. And yes, everything's a trigger. I really hope time will cure our souls.
It was nearing the century mark, and, dare I say it, I don't think we're exactly piecing anymore. We're here and I don't think either of us is going anywhere.
How long since he ended his infidelity exactly?
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Everything is a trigger. Everything. My car. My work. My master's degree. My child. Adele. California. Planes. Brunches. Pregnancy. Some are less offensive than others. Some are known and expected, others are complete slaps in the face.
You have PTSD, most victims of infidelity will experience this for several years after the traumatizing betrayal occurs. It will fade in time, depending on how hard you and your spouse work to resolve the trust issues he and OP created in your home.
There are ways to make the process more effective, and other things a spouse may do that can derail the process completely (like contacting OP again).
It's PTSD my dear, plain and simple as that. Not to trivialize it, I put my husband through it, I see it every day and work to help him through it. You are gonna get a different perspective from me here, I am the cheater in my household. But I've been working hard to resolve that as best I can. Posting here is part of that.
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I honestly don't know if I would have stayed if I knew just how much work this would be on the other side. And honestly, I'm just too f-ing stubborn to jump ship at this point. He's worked too hard. I've worked too hard. He is an excellent father, and I seriously doubt I would every find someone who is willing to work this hard to mend such a huge f-up.
The thing you aren't realizing is that leaving is just as much work. Building trust with someone else NEW is NOT going to be easy either. Particularly after betrayals that aren't resolved, building trust again can be near impossible.
Working with your spouse to resolve the betrayals is likely LESS work than rebuilding fresh. Don't assume walking out is going to put a stop to the anxiety you are experiencing. Don't assume having a relationship fresh with someone new will put a stop to the constant looking over your shoulder. It doesnt'.
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Does that mean I'm happy?
That's not the goal right now.
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I don't know. Some days I think I am. Other days I literally can't feel my hands and feet because I am still so enraged.
Anxiety does that. The side effect of PTSD is anxiety, as well as other problems, hyper vigilance for example, as well as periodic flashbacks that set off a panic attack or two.
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I graduated with my master's in December. I walked this past week. I went to the ceremony alone ahead of my family members because I had to be there early for to pick up my regalia. I cried the whole way to the ceremony in my car.
PTSD. It's not rocket science, it's PTSD.
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My child turned two this past month. While also stubborn (hey, comes by it honestly), she really is a wonderful child. I love being a mother. She is the only thing preventing me from doing something extremely illegal.
Such as?
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I want more children and soon. But this trauma is blocking me.
I even had my IUD removed. I'm not playing any games. H has wanted a 2nd child longer than I have at this point. It's not the prospect of another child that scares me.
It's being pregnant.
At this point I do NOT reccomend it. You are nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment again. Adding a pregnancy and a child into a recovery process may just derail the whole thing. I get there's a time crunch. But you are quite young and have time yet. I do NOT reccomend you working on a child together right now. You two have a lot to resolve yet. Your anxiety is a clear indicator that there's a lot of work to be done yet before you can trust him enough to share another child with him. Patience is essential here.
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It literally sends me into a murderous rage where my throat tightens up and I become numb all over except for my chest which feels like it will explode. I cannot form words because my mind is racing too fast.
Yes, this is a classic panic attack.
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H is doing all he can, really. He's going to IC and couples. He tries to come home at a consistent time nightly, and when he doesn't he's got good communication. He's better about not becoming irritated when I get into these... moods. He just apologizes and tries to talk me out of the crazy.
My mind hasn't been going to the "I need to make this all end. Now." place. So that's a positive.
What else is he doing? Is he sitting with you each night, affirming his full commitment to you, holding you to comfort you, to reassure you that he is workign to become fully committed again?
Don't believe he is, you can't cheat for months and months and then just flip a commitment switch back to your spouse anymore than YOU can. He may want to be committed, but he really needs to work a lot more before he can say that with 100% confidence.
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In fact, if anything, it goes there less often since coming off of the ADs. Weird.
AD's are a dice throw for most people and highly unpredictable. They may stabilize extreemes, but there are a lot of unknowns you have to find out during day to day usage.
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Maybe this is so hard right now, this week, because my master's came to it's final close. Maybe it's because I knew this was the first feasible month we would be trying to conceive. Maybe because work is ending in 2 days, and I will have all my summer alone with my (crazy) thoughts.
Life stressors in general are going to make you vulnerable to increased anxiety and panic attacks. This takes time to recover from. Time and hard work from both of you.
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I don't want this black spot to define my life. I don't want to not have more children because of it. I don't want to be scarred forever for 9 months of insanity.
That's a great start. But you need to slow down. You cannot hurry re-commitment. That's something you two build, over time, with care and a LOT of patience.
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I still want to murder that b!tch.
Yup, that likely won't ever go away. But the constant instinct to think about that needs time and hard work to put it into the background. It's clear from your post that this is still very much in the foreground of your thoughts.
You cannot rush true commitment between partners. That's built over time. Partners in infidelity try to rush, and look what happens?
Do NOT emulate that, do the opposite, take time, care, and patience to rebuild a loving commitment slowly.
MM, I wish I could give you a hug. You got a degree and have a toddler at home! I am applauding you! Congratulations on your degree. I understand the associations seem grim now, but that will fade in time.
You are where I was a few years ago. Stick with the DBing! Make it your religion. It really saved me.
I understand all those triggers. What helped me was becoming transparent. I did not want to sound crazy, but verbalizing the triggers helped them fade. For example, I demanded my DJ take Stevie Wonder out of his playlists at work. I told him it reminded me too much of my ex. he laughed , but respected my wishes. Other people can relate to that pain. After 6-8 months I was able to listen to some different Stevie Wonder! I know it sounds silly.
Having the a child as a trigger is normal, too. I have two and my ex pretty much checked out while I was pregnant. But he did not officially leave until my son was two. So, I know it is hard! Five years later my son snuck into my closet, found some honeymoon photos and pinned them to his bedroom mirror.
Because of DB, I know I could have salvaged my marriage, but guess what? I ran out of love from my love bank. I moved on. It has NOT been easy, but I stayed sane and pretty happy. I'm sure you will, too.
Who knows what will happen next? But a happy partner is hard to leave. Affairs are more common than we realize and marriages have survived them for ages. I just cannot be with a cheater. I know that now. as much as I wish we could have stayed married. I have sex hang ups, I guess.
I did not take my ex back, but I met two men who were a lot worse, but they taught me a lot about myself and I had some interesting experiences.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
More birthdays have come and gone. We're both a year older.
We have officially started "trying" for baby number 2. I am... ambivalent about it. I want more children. I want them to be close in age to D. My milestones that I required for D to accomplish before a 2nd one have been achieved (1. follow simple directions 2. be potty trained... thank GOD). We are... stable. I suppose. As stable as can be given the bullsh!t H put us through over the past 3 years.
I have started EMDR. Long story short, it's one of the ways to deal with trauma. I had to make a list of all the "snapshots" that I think of when I think of the A. I f@cking hated it. And it made me hate him even more. And it's been almost a week since I made that awful list, and I'm still furious over it.
My IC is on Saturdays. We established my "safe place" and went over the various events. T has chosen to go through them chronologically vs. by intensity of trauma because I'm having a hard time ranking them as to which ones were least traumatic. They were all traumatic. They all suck almost equally. Sure, some are a 10 and others are an 8, but none of them are so low to be a 5, much less anything lower or less distressing. After reading it out loud, the T said, "you realize all of the things on that list are due to his own mental illness, right?". Yes. I know this. And he just dumped it on me. How sweet.
I just motherf@cking hate him right now.
I keep hoping that if he can be a good father/spouse through this next pregnancy that it will go far. In fact, I feel sure that it will. But I'm terrified of the alternative.
When I'm not being my kindest and tolerating his normal level of BS (which, not being dramatic, his friends have often said to me "how the hell do you live with him??"), he is now resorting to verbal abuse. Which I ignore, because my give-a-sh!t meter is at an all time low with him. He can call me all the nasty names in the book that he wants, and I'm probably still going to be a B to him.
When he does it in front of D, that's another story. Let me be clear. He is not verbally abusive to D in anyway. He is not abusive at all in anyway to her. But he did call me some names in front of her yesterday, and thank God (really, HE should be thanking God, not me) that she was engrossed in Mickey Mouse otherwise I would have ripped him apart.
I reiterated to him after she went to bed last night that if someone were ever to call her those names, I'd personally kick their a$$ and he knows it. By saying those things to me in front of her teaches here that that is appropriate behavior from a man.
And it's not. Period.
I just want him to go away for a while. I hate looking at his motherf@cking face right now. I just want to drop off the radar.
I hate that D asks for him all day. Not that she doesn't seem to be having fun with me (although during the potty training trials I thought we might both kill each other). But she loves him dearly.
I wish she didn't love him so much. Maybe then I'd say "f it" and leave.
Maybe he'll end up being a sh!t head dad down the line. At this point, I'm still so angry with him, I just need one good excuse to leave.
I know the anger will fade. My T said the average time it takes to recover from an affair is 5 years. That's without prior trauma (which, lucky me, I have.. so it might take longer).
I remember reading the stats on divorce and how stupid it is most of the time. I remember the beginning of DR. I remember the pain of being a child of divorce. I know that most times it's not the best choice (barring abuse).
I'm just so OVER being mentally handicapped by this. And I'm tired of being an angry, MEAN b!tch. I've always been assertive, but now I'm just straight up mean to H. I try to keep it in check in front of D, but it's going to seep out. Sooner or later.
not being dramatic, his friends have often said to me "how the hell do you live with him??"), he is now resorting to verbal abuse.
And you want to make another baby with this man? Are you out of your mind????
All PTSD aside, this does not sound like it has evolved to any kind of a healthy relationship, and I would NOT bring another child into the middle of this mess.
I want another child for the following reasons: 1) I want D to have a sibling 2) I want my children to be close in age to each other and I'm firmly against having children over 35 (for me... other people can do whatever they want) and if things go well, I may not want to stop at just 2 3) I enjoy being a mother 4) Right now, H being a good dad is the main reason I can tolerate him. He is truly an excellent father. 5) If he gets this pregnancy right, it will be a huge help to my... our... recovery.
There are a great many things my H does well. Knowing how to handle my hate towards him is not one of them (I know I have issues with people being mildly dissatisfied with me much less hateful towards me, so I can't blame him too much). That is part of the reason he goes to IC in addition to our MC.
I'm not exactly refraining from verbal abuse either. I'm just better at keeping it in check in front of D than he is. I plan on bringing it up again in MC tonight.
Is the relationship perfect? Hell no. Not even close. Will the world stop until we can get our sh!t together. NO. I'd rather struggle and put on good face in front of my children now (as I've been doing successfully for the last 2 years), than wait and risk higher chances of developmental delays, chromosomal abnormalities, and childhoods of them hating each other because they're too far apart (yes, they can likely be friends in adulthood, but that's 20 years away). It's like being on stage: leave your personal sh!t in the wings.
I'm an ENTJ. The saying for them is "When I get angry, I get awesome." And I keep my pain hidden for no one to see.
H just needs to get better at hiding his sh!t too. If nothing else, my children will learn to set good boundaries for BS. But I doubt after tonight we will see much of this anymore.
At MC, he was the one who did most of the talking, and to my pleasant surprise, was the one most goal oriented (somewhat unusual for him). So I don't anticipate a whole lot more issues with that. And I reiterated to our MC that I was started EMDR in my IC, so that may make me especially spiteful and nasty towards him for a while, but I'll try to keep it in check.
And it's good we cleared that up. Because this morning... the last few days really... I've just had that feeling....
And sure enough, I'm pregnant.
3 positive tests. I see my doctor tomorrow (my last cycle was in May, and it was kicked off by the IUD removal, so even though I think I'm probably only at 10 days, there's a possibility it could be more than that).
I'm telling H tonight.
This is probably the most anxious I've been for him to come home in a long time....
Eh, it goes. The typical first trimester stuff: nausea, fatigue, and growing out of all of my clothes (although much faster this time around unfortunately).
H is excited. He's doing a better job this time around than last time, although he was relatively decent the first trimester last time too. He started losing his sh!t at about 14 weeks.
I'm 8 weeks currently. Due date March 16th (ironically the day before we're set to go back to school after Spring Break, which I had joked for a while would be the best day ever to have the kiddo).
I'm still paranoid. I still have bad thoughts. Although they don't seem to be any more intense or frequent than they were before.
I made it very clear he needs to be a rockstar during this pregnancy. He understands this and agrees.
We're not doing EMDR in IC right now. She wants to wait until the first tri is over, which I agree with. We'll get back to that when we can.
ok, look at it like this: you have something wonderful to look forward to - a beautiful new child who will be just as wonderful as the one you already have; and I can assure you that being the mom of two children is a lot better than having just the one. yeah, ok, sometimes a little frustrating when they fight or argue, but most of the time it is good, and with a 2-yr difference they will be great friends to each other.
and I know you were traumatized in your first pregnancy but this is your chance to fix that! you know how they say, after a driver has been in a traffic accident it's important to get back to driving and not dwell on the negative memories?
this is your chance for you and H to take that tape with the negative memories from your first pregnancy, and overwrite them with wonderful memories from this one. and H needs to know it! that's the project for both of you.
good luck and I hope the pregnancy goes smoothly and pleasantly. hey, in a few weeks you'll be in the second trimester, that's the easy one.
Yes, I'm hoping this pregnancy will write over the last one. It's sort of imperative that it does.
I'm so looking forward to the 2nd tri. I remember that last time the nausea disappeared almost instantly when I crossed that line. Luckily I'll only have students for a couple of weeks before I get there.
And I'm so excited for D to have a sibling. She actually wants a brother! I've asked her several different times, and every time she says she wants the baby to be a boy. H's best friend is a sono tech and she was able to tell me the sex a full month before the "official" one that happens after 20 weeks, so I might find out as soon as late September what I'm having! I see my doctor again in 2 weeks for my monthly check up, then 2 weeks later I'll have the blood test to check for anomalies. I remember that test really stressed me out last time (especially as a special ed teacher).
Right now I'm just trying to enjoy the last few days (not even weeks! Days!!) of my summer vacation before going back to work. Slowly implementing not so fun things (like earlier bed times and rise times) and purging things in my house to have a clean slate for the new school year. It's slow going with the pregnancy symptoms (I can only stand working for about 45 minutes before I start to get extremely tired). I'm just hoping the school year will be a really good one. At least I'm not a new teacher this time around like I was my first pregnancy either.
Well, I thought I would post because it's been a little while.
Things are actually going really well. I know it's much easier to b!tch about things than report the good, so I thought I'd actually write nice things about H on here for a change.
He's been very attentive, very communicative and very helpful. He's been helping D get ready in the mornings if I need help with that, cleaning up a little more often (and without me asking sometimes!), and he's generally a little more understanding of my S-L-O-W rate of progress with... well, everything. Pregnancy is such an energy suckage, so my level of productivity has been cut in half. At first he was giving me some grief, but he's been much more understanding lately. He's even gone out to get me some weird pregger things lately (specific colored Gatorade, fries from specific fast food restaurants, etc). He even took care of D on one of the REALLY bad morning sickness days (vomiting ALL DAY) without any complaint and took care of me as best he could while also dealing with her.
So this time around is thus far much better.
And even though we're not to the point that we were last time when red flags started flying (it was 14 weeks and I popped), because this is the 2nd pregnancy, I'm already looking like that. There is NO HIDING this tummy. He seems thrilled by it (well, as emotionally expressive of thrilled as he gets... he's a bit robotic on emotions, especially when it comes to joy). He's concerned I'm eating poorly, but I reminded him that even though I look huge, I've only gained 3 lbs. I also have to remind him that even the thought of several foods make me gag, so my diet is similar to that of a preschooler. Lots of bland, easy foods.
I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow. So we've still got a ways to go. But so far so good.
Our MC seems to think we're doing well enough to cut back to only coming every other week.
I guess I would agree. I don't think our ICs have any plans of either of us cutting back anytime soon.
I'm 15 weeks along today. This is the point where H started to lose his mind last time. So I'm a little on edge, but he's been really awesome (I even gave him a honey-do list yesterday while I did some pampering for myself and he did everything without any additional reminders!!).
D has been with my parents this weekend so we got a date night on Friday and we had a friend's wedding to attend yesterday. Weddings are still hard for me, but luckily at this one, it was really just the reception (the couple got married in Aruba a few weeks ago). So I didn't have to listen to the vows, which is what usually sets me off. But we had a good time both Friday and Saturday.
We'll know the gender of the baby in a few weeks. At the neural tube screening that they did a few weeks ago, the sonogram tech said it looked like it might be a boy, but from my understanding, that early in the game, it's only around 70% correct, so we'll just wait until the official one.
I'd prefer to have another girl for a few reasons. Mainly it'll be easier to reuse things from D. And I know I've really enjoyed having a sister (and while I enjoyed my stepbrother growing up, he's a drug addict and I've not really spoken to him in almost 2 years). Boys in general worry me. Statistically, the odds are not in their favor for major psychological illnesses (primarily autism, ADHD, and drug use).
Probably also doesn't help that every major male figure in my life has f@cked me over pretty hard at one point or another.
A friend... who told me a few months ago she suspected something was wrong with her M... told me today she found out her H has been having a full blown PA since June. They have 2 children under the age of 3 together.
She has way more evidence than I ever had. There is no doubt he's f-ed this OW several times in their own home. Any evidence I ever had was circumstantial. Which has its pluses and minuses. It never showed that H really did sleep with OW (which he still denies). But it's enough where I think most people would think he's guilty of it (I know I certainly do), and I'll never REALLY know the truth. I just have to accept what I DO know. And that's still not easy.
And like I said a few days ago, this was the point where he started to lose it last time.
I'm not seeing any evidence currently that anything is wrong, but it is... difficult.
My friend sat in my car with me and cried during lunch, the same way I did 3 years ago.
I'm choosing not to think about the A much lately. When thoughts enter my head, I just squish them down and do my best NOT to think about it. I guess they're like flashbacks. So I don't know if it's acceptance, or if it's denial.
We've started EMDR a few times, but we'd start a few sessions, then some major life BS would happen causing us to put it on the back burner until things calmed down. Then this most recent time we started the process, I found out I was pregnant like, 2 weeks later. So because of the upsetting nature of the sessions, we decided to hold off until I felt like it was safe to introduce that stress again.
May, you did it together? I've only ever heard of individual EMDR.
But, yeah, if you're preggo may not be a good idea; however, I recommend this to all my clients. I've done it myself, and across the board see huge improvements.
One thing you want to remember, May, the choice is yours.
It's not anyone else's to live with.
YOU have to go deep within and choose if you can live with your husband for the rest of your life. There are no rules -
For me, I am out of my relationship for good. Sure, I would love a nuclear intact family and a sibling for my daughter. But after 5 years, I can see that I was going to continue to live inauthentically for many more years - indefinitely even.
But ultimately, the standards are yours. You create them. You live with them.
Your ego mind will have you running in a million different directions and keep you in fear and survival mode, if you let it. But if you find a place inside you that knows - I can forgive and move on and live with this man and I only have me to trust - then you can always go to that place inside you to rest when you are feeling uncertain.
And perhaps after you deliver, you can return to EMDR and work through some of that old trauma.
(I still have it over the dumbest things - and plan to do more EMDR for it)
Note: This is not really M related... but it sort of is in some ways.
So I found out I'm having a boy. I'm not exactly thrilled.
Yes, I know plenty of people cannot have children who so desperately want them. Yes, I know plenty of boys who are perfectly sweet and smart and turn out to be successful, good men. Yes, I know that I've already got my girl, so why complain.
It's different being a special education teacher. Everyone I've told has had the "oh, that's so much fun!" reaction.
Everyone, except my other SpEd friends. And then they all go "uhhhh a boy, huh?"
They know. They know the stats just like I do. It's not a coincidence that in the 4 years I've been at this school, between two self contained special education units, there have only been 4 girls. There's only one girl this year with 11 boys.
My particularly sketchy history with men doesn't exactly help my situation. H f@cked up badly. My father f@cked up badly. My stepbrother has f@cked up badly. Again, not to say that women don't. But I personally have not been burned by women like I have by men. Not even close. It also doesn't help that my FIL and BIL are complete sons of b!tches. So the thought of bringing another male so closely into my life terrifies me.
H does not understand my anxiety. My saddness. Even my close friends (again, unless they're in SpEd) don't get it. H has gotten downright angry with me. "Why even get pregnant then?" he'll say. Well, all actions come with potential risks and consequences. I do my best to narrow them. Hence why I refuse to have children past the age of 35. That's a way to narrow. I don't drink or smoke while pregnant (not that I've ever smoked). I have a doctor I trust and I take my prenatal vitamins. I eat as best I can (you know how that can go when you're pregnant).
But I very distinctly remember the sigh of relief when I heard my first was a girl. One less potential factor to raise risks of developmental issues.
1 in 54 boys will be diagnosed with autism. 1 in 252 girls. It's not exactly a level playing field.
It's just in my face every day. And every day H asks me if I'm excited about it being a boy yet.
No, I'll be excited when he's 2 and he's talking and there's no evidence of delays.
I can't even talk to him about it. I can't talk to anyone about it in person. I just start crying, and I hate crying in front of people. And, like I said, I really think only my SpEd people will get it.
I know that 1 in 54 means that 53 won't get autism. But that still doesn't make me any less frightened unfortunately (and arguably, I know what to do with a child with autism). I know statistics are not guarantees or promises. I can see the rational side to this.
But it's not the side that is governing my emotions unfortunately. And H simply does not know how to tolerate, much less support me, through this right now. And due to his anger about my feelings on this topic, in some ways I feel just alone in this pregnancy as I did in the first one.
Google the vitamin D council dot org and look at what they have to say about vitamin D and autism. Possibly the best thing you could do is check your vitamin D level, make sure you're getting enough vitamin D (and sunshine!) to bring your vitamin D level up to 50 or better, and take vitamins with DHA (a component of fish oil, important for brain development).
Hi there friend! I'm going to chime in and give you another perspective.
First I am going to tell you to get out of your statistical mind. There are so many other statistics that can scare the crap out of parents. I'm not saying these to scare you, but just to make a point. How much higher is the percentage that a girl can get raped? We know girls have a 100% chance of getting pregnantt over a boy!
I m going to be. Little hard on you. Your H wants to see you happy and excited! Your bringing a baby into this world! This is great! You can not live be worrying about everything that can go wrong. You will make yourself sick. Think about everything that could go right! Nd god forbid there were some development delays. You get him the help he needs. That's all. You love him no less and you still enjoy being a mom to him. It's not like you wouldn't be able to handle it.
I just got back from training and my fellow nurse is. Single mom of 3 boys. Had her first at 20. Her and her husband are divorced. He was abusive. She has twin boys who were born at 25 weeks. Micro preemies who were in the NICU for months. . And an older son. These boys thrived so well. Were and are exceptional in school, self sufficient, respectful, loving, talented...... Imagine that!!! And it's not as rare as you think.
Think of your father. Think of other guys you know in your life.
I am not defending your H. But I think he is feeling a little alone in this pregnancy too. Alone in his excitement and you alone in your anxiety. He had the anxiety in your first pregnancy for other reasons. Now you have the anxiety in this pregnancy for other reasons.
Try to make the choice to be in this together on a happy note. He doesn't want to go to his bd place because the last time he didn't handle it so well. He wants to be in his good place.
G, Thank you for these words. I wanted to respond earlier in the week, but I've been swamped! Your words really have helped this past week. And I don't think you're hard on me at all :-) I think the concept of him being alone in this was especially helpful. I forget his point of view on things that are anxiety provoking for me. I'll never forget the time that our MC said, "You have to remember, while you are mourning the loss of your happy pregnancy experience, he lost out on it too" and the tears welling up in H's eyes.
The week has gotten easier as the days go by. I have been looking at more boy bedding and I think I worked the logistics out as to where we're going to put this kid.
Plus, I've been dealt some cards that honestly make this the very least of my worries. Fortunately (and probably thanks to DB), while they are pretty big changes, because I literally have zero control of the outcome, I have very little anxiety about it. I have to just accept whatever happens (basically, there's a good chance they'll close my school unit in January. I won't be out of a job, but I won't be doing the same thing anymore).
I did see my doc yesterday. He said baby boy looks good, all tests have come back normal thus far. I feel like I've exploded this week (I gained 3 lbs!) but I'm still in the normal range for size. We're at 19 weeks, so I'm almost half way there.
KML, I just saw your reply. I had never heard of the link of vitamin D and autism! Fascinating. Luckily the weather has finally become super gorgeous here in TX, so I'll be sure to spend lots of time in the sunshine :-) Thanks for the info!
I have a son who was a very hyper when he was little and who was a rebellious teenager and gave us lot of trouble. And now he is an amazing human being, a very responsible adult, who has been supportive of me through these difficult times. He also took a lot of responsibilities that H did in the house. I can rely on him and I know that he is always there for me (unlike H.) You are lucky to have a girl and boy who is still growing inside of you.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'm struggling. Things have been hard lately. For me anyway.
I'm in my third trimester. I wouldn't say this is exactly where we were when things started to go south the last time around, but we were getting into the thick of it around this time.
The whole pregnancy is a trigger. Just existing.
I try to be objective about it. I understand that H is not doing those things now. He is present, he is working hard, he is being a good father. He is still not excellent at knowing how to be sympathetic or empathetic (he's always lacked these qualities).
So generally, I know that, on a scale of 1-10, I'm about a 5 with him at all times due to this PTSD-type BS. So when marital issues that would normally register a 3 or 4 on the scale crop up, because I'm already at a 5, they fly up to a 8 or 9 on the scale and it feels like a full nuclear meltdown. For me.
It is very hard not to outwardly hate him often. Even though he's not really doing much wrong in the present.
He gets frustrated with me when I become frustrated because he can see how miserable I am and then says, "why do you tell the MC that everything is fine when you know it's not?"
To which I retort: "that is not what I say. What I say, is on the day to day, we are fine. You are doing fine. The BS that makes the everyday miserable is crap in the past that I alone have to fix. There is nothing you can really do to undo what you did other than try to keep in good graces currently. There is not much we can do on a couple's level"
And the MC agrees with this. And honestly, there's nothing H can do that I can think of to make me less miserable (other than a) build a time machine or b) learn to be empathetic, which frankly is just not in his hard-wired personality, so I don't expect that to happen).
I have my doubts that baby boy will go full term. I guess call it mother's intuition, but even though my due date is March 16th, I'm going to call out February 28th. Don't know why. Just feel it.
Now that I've put that out in the universe, he'll probably come 2 weeks late.
He's giant. He's healthy, but giant. Not surprising given his genes. Active, but not alarmingly so. It seems on par for both it being a boy and my second. He is kicking harder than I remember D kicking. But at least I'm still getting sleep (mostly). I haven't really bought much for him, or put much of a registry together. OTOH, we have so much still from D, we don't need nearly as much this time around. I'll probably start buying a bulk box of diapers each month starting in January.
I'm concerned about my mental state once he arrives. In general, with mental health, once you experience a mental illness your rate of having it happen again increases. This is no different. So I don't know if I'll barely be able to peel myself off the floor once he comes. At least last time, I had my parents and my stepbrother around to watch her when I needed some me time or I needed to just not deal with a newborn for a few minutes. H plans on taking a little time off (probably 1-2 weeks) but after that it's me, alone, in my house with a newborn AND an almost 3 year old.
I'm already crying almost the moment I leave the house most days. I don't know what I'm going to be like once the hormones fly all over the place and there's a screaming baby in my arms.
Hi Mmayre, I always stop by to check in on you but I think never post. So here goes, you're doing great. You are trying so progress is a plus. Prepare for your mental breakdown. Practice when you're not in a bad place so you can do it when you are. When you are able to work on yourself during a mental breakdown give yourself props! Even if it lasted a while, YOU TRIED!
You will have those "I f@$ hate you moments" but keep working at it. My MC would tell me that when I felt that way to do the opposite of what I would rather do. I wanted to run far far away from him. Kick him and all his stuff out. Instead I would sit next to him and be affectionate. It was sooo hard at first but I'm better at it. Practice, practice, practice!
Keep it up, You're doing great!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Things have been better, especially over the past two weeks, partly because I got really sick.
I'm fine, for the record. Baby is fine too.
Right after Christmas, I agreed to do a musical with some old theater friends (I did theater for 10 years as a kid). We basically threw the show together with only a week of rehearsals. It was fun, I had a great time, but being in close quarters with so many people had colds flying around all over the place. So of course, I caught one. And it very quickly turned into an infection.
So the weekend after New Years, I did the show, sick, but I figured if it morphed into an infection, I'd be seeing my doctor the following Thursday anyway. By that first Tuesday of the new year, I was sick as a dog and could not breathe. The doc told me to take decongestants, which make me feel as high as a kite, so I went ahead and decided to take the next day off from work and just rest at home, doped up. Well, my body had other ideas. I guess between being so pregnant, ill, and with decongestants, I was just crazy dehydrated, and I started having contractions every 5 minutes for HOURS. After it not ceasing, I called my doc and he told me to come into L&D to see if this was the real deal. Well, I had been drugged up and couldn't drive safely, so I had to call H to leave work, come get me, and take me to the hospital.
And he did. Right away. He dropped everything, came and got me, and sat with me in L&D for hours while they figured out what was going on. They said they weren't sure if it was just dehydration or what, but I wasn't emitting the "going into real labor" hormone, and even though they gave me juice and water, I still wasn't slowing down, so they gave me some oral medication to make the contractions stop and put me on bed rest for the rest of the week. That worked.
H, in the mean time, worked it out with my parents and grandparents to take care of D while I was on bed rest so we didn't have to figure out what to do with her during the day. And poor thing, he ended up catching whatever cold I had too (which is saying something... that man NEVER gets sick). Luckily it didn't turn into an infection for him, but he was pretty miserable the next week.
The next day (Thursday), I was scheduled to see my doc anyway, and they gave me clearance to drive to that appointment, so I went in, he put me on antibiotics (he was actually out the day prior when I was in L&D), and told me to continue the rest for the rest of the week. The infection cleared up in less than 2 days, although the cold symptoms hung out for another week (and allergens here in TX have been STUPID high, so that's made getting well difficult).
But during that whole time I was stuck at home, H was very attentive, took care of me, and made sure D was taken care of with family members.
It earned him a lot of brownie points in my book.
This past week, he's continued to be really good, letting me rest when I need to, and not giving me any crap over it. He's also letting me indulge in my nesting (which is really kicking in right now) and taking care of D while I obsessively clean and organize.
A long time ago (like, 2 years ago), I had made a think I saw on Pinterest where basically you put the phrase "I love you because...." on a piece of paper, place it in a frame, and then write something new with dry erase marker on the glass to change it to whatever you want it to say (i.e. "I love you because you make hilarious jokes/do the dishes when I'm tired/rub my feet/etc"). Ever since I found the pictures (so, September of 2012), I've been too angry to write anything. At all. I just couldn't bring myself to write anything on there, because I would just become angry.
But this week I finally found myself able to write something on there.
I'm 32 weeks now. I hope we continue to evolve over the next several weeks. It will be immensely helpful in healing us to continue this trend during this critical time.
First off, I'm still pregnant (although I don't see S holding out til his due date of the 16th).
We had our 3 year anniversary of the ILYBNILWY conversation. I feel like I handled it pretty well. Although I did wake up in the middle of the night (which is happening a lot the more pregnant I become), could not get back to sleep, so I left my bed to watch some TV in the living room only to find myself watching shows I watched during the whole mess 3 years ago (E! shows that are seasonal). I end up being awake for 3 hours that night, an hour of which I cried uncontrollably. At this point, H had woken up too (bless his heart, he is the lightest sleeper. We will both be sleep deprived messes when S arrives even though I'll be breastfeeding exclusively at the beginning), and luckily, didn't ask any questions and just held me while I cried. It was what I needed in that moment.
Questions and thoughts still raced through my head. I still feel like I don't have the complete picture, and I know I never will. I will only get what he chooses to tell me, and what I choose to draw from the evidence I have. It still haunts me.
I'm very date oriented. I wish I wasn't, but I am. March is now filled with terrible dates. It's always had some weird ones (my middle sister who died was born in March and my mother was always strange in March because of it). So things like anniversaries of terrible things happening don't just go by without me remembering.
My doctor mentioned something about talking induction dates... I know the date I want. The 13th. It has no terrible association with it, it will be before all the REALLY bad days happen, so hopefully I will be distracted with my newborn and not thinking that "oh, this was the date that H did this..." etc. Plus, he will fall into a pattern with me and my D (I'm born 6/16, D 5/15, so it would be cool if he's 3/13). And it's Thursday this month, so I have a higher likelihood of being able to get family to take care of D while I recover in the hospital.
Anyway, back to the weirdness over the past few days.
So like I said, the 28th was a little rough. It probably would have been worse, but luckily I was very distracted at work because it was my last day before maternity leave started. So I was thankful for that. It was ridiculously difficult to prepare my classroom for my sub. Not because my sub is difficult (she is so fantastically wonderful, and my students could not be in better hands), but the district made such a mess of getting her clearance to access various computer systems, you'd think I was the first person to ever go on maternity leave. But I think it's all squared away, and there shouldn't be too much drama while I'm gone. Luckily, everything is pretty much in cloud format, so even if things get mucked up, I can check in from home.
So I'm officially at SAHM until August. Yesterday was going to be my first day alone with D, but we had a freak ice storm come through late Sunday, causing all the school districts to close on Monday. H can work from home pretty easily, so he did.
H has still been pretty great lately. He cleaned two major areas of the house (manly areas that I don't normally go into anyhow) without me even asking over the past 2 weekends. He's still going to his IC most weeks (and even when he has to miss for a meeting or something, he usually reschedules within the week). I'm still going to my IC weekly, and we're down to bi-weekly MC. We'll see if all that stays the same once S is here. There was talk that we would also cut our ICs down to bi-weekly. He's been so excellent though, I'm reticent to be gung-ho about him cutting back. He's not only a better spouse, I just think he's in general a happier, better human being. He had SO many issues from his f@cked up family, even though he's worked on his issues from them over the years off and on, being with this T for IC has really improved him. Maybe he can handle cutting back to every other week, but I just don't want to see the old ways slipping back in.
So today was my first completely alone day with D. I took her to run some errands, one of which needed to be at the mall, so I figured I'd let her play in the children's area for a good while seeing as it's still pretty cold outside.
But here was the weirdness: two women were sitting near me talking about things that sounded religious (not shocking here in the Bible belt...), but one was much more quiet than the other, so I couldn't catch most of what was said (random words like "spiritual" and "God" were all I could really catch). They had 4 kids between the two of them. After a while they got up to wrangle up their children for lunch, but before that, one of them approached me and said, "ma'am, I don't know if you believe in God or not, but I need to tell you something" Me: "Oh?" Random Lady: "I couldn't help but notice you are very pregnant, and God has told me that he thinks you need to hear that you have nothing to fear about this labor and everything is in His control" Me: "oh ok..." RL: "is this your first child?" Me: "no, my daughter is the one in the owl shirt" RL: "oh, ok. Yes, I guess you wouldn't just be hanging out in the kids area watching children if you didn't have one playing" Me: "right" RL: "Well, God just told me I needed to let you know that this birth will be everything that you had hoped it would be. And not to fear because it will be beautiful" Me: "oh wow. Cool" RL: "I hope you don't think I'm nuts. I just really love God" Me: "no, no, it's fine." RL: "Well, God bless you, and I hope you have a great day" Me: "yes, you too. And thanks."
I'm not religious. H is agnostic. My father and step mother are agnostic. My sister is agnostic. My mother attends her church weekly, but I think it's more for the social and musical aspect (she's in the choir), and my dad, though a very public agnostic, also goes to his church weekly for the same reasons. I've held the position that spirituality is something I've chosen not to really explore in my adult life, but I am much too science-minded to deny things like evolution. I very much believe in the scientific method. I am very pro-choice, and I dislike others telling people what to believe spiritually and what (and who) they should be doing in their bedrooms. It really irks me when people believe that in order to be "a good person" you must also be religious. But there have been a few times during this 3 year journey where something like that happens that makes me wonder(like the time that less than a week after writing the phrase "I have the patience of Job" on almost every page of my DR book, my principal used this exact phrase to describe me in front of the entire faculty).
I've said it before... I never had a dream wedding day. I had a dream birth day of my baby. And that was stolen from me. I don't remember what time D was born, or what I said. I remember the hours leading up to her birth quite well. But the few minutes, even hours after, I don't recall at all. And the only memories I have of the 3 days I was in the hospital were of me crying and being fearful of what life would be like once we left.
So it does seem strange that this random lady would come and "witness" to me (which, you would think living where I do, would have happened to me several times in my life, but actually this is the first time) about something so personal and emphasize that everything in THIS birthing experience will be what I want it to be.... it did leave me a little shocked and gave me chills.
Just odd.
I can feel the PTSD creeping up on me. The prolonged winter has helped stave it off, but the weather is beginning to change. The day before the ice, it was 78 degrees outside, and the trees were blooming. All of Spring is a trigger for me.
I knew from the moment I had my IUD removed that getting pregnant would be the ultimate exposure therapy experience. The biggest double edged sword I could put upon myself. In retrospect, this whole experience has been incredibly healing. H has done a really amazing job writing over the mess he made of the first pregnancy. The anxiety and fear is not gone, but it is certainly less.
I still want to murder OW, but I think about her less. I will never not hate that woman. I will never not wish her ill-will. Like I said, those thoughts just occur less often.
I'm interested to see what kind of mess my hormones make once S arrives. Who knows how much of the post-partum was natural and how much was attributed to H (although I'm guessing 95% was due to him). Both my T and my OBGYN are going to be watching me closely.
Although now that I don't have work to keep me occupied, I find myself thinking about the bad things more often. I'm trying to have D keep me busy (she's pretty good at it), but I have to pick a lot of low key activities because I'm just so freaking pregnant. It would be easier to keep distracted if I could be a little more physical.
I'll keep you guys updated as to when little man arrives. Like I said, I think he's going to come pretty soon on his own (he's freaking huge and he's been giving me a crap ton of Braxton Hicks with lots of low back pain). Hopefully his birth will be as low key as D's (like I said, I remember the hours leading up to her birth very well. It was seriously a breeze).
On Saturday, the 8th, my water broke around 9:15 pm and he was here before 11:45! It was fast and furious (I got the epidural just in time, but it was still much more intense than my labor with my D), but uncomplicated, and he's perfect.
I love him so much. And I am so happy.
I have some sadness about not having this overwhelming sense of happiness and love with my D that I am having with this baby boy. I wouldn't call it guilt, because I feel like my fear about my situation at the time justified my lack of happiness last time. It just makes me.... sad.... that I didn't have these feelings with D.
But that is not enough to damper how I feel about this child. And D has been the sweetest big sister so far. She has been patient and kind. And pretty well behaved, even for a fiercely independent 2 year old.
I will never be able to fully express my thanks to you all. Because without you all, I definitely would not have this sweet baby boy. I seriously doubt I would be alive, much less have another child with my H, and one that I love so much.
So thank you. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the guidance. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you for challenging me. And thank you for not giving up on me and on my family. This child would not be here without help from you all. And I am so grateful and indebted to all of you for that.
No. Rephrase.... I can have sex with him, but I'm a hot mess afterwards (and not in the sexy kind of way).
We were intimate for the first time since my S was born. The actual act was just fine. But today, my mind has been flooded by images of him kissing OW, the pictures that I saw, the messages I read, the condom receipt I found.
I had a full blown panic attack when the kids went down for their afternoon naps.
3 f@cking years. Does this sh!t ever go away?
I told H the kind of day I was having. I told him it's a major issue that we can't be intimate without me being flooded. He said we'd work on it in therapy. Other than more EMDR, I'm not sure what we can do... but trauma was never my field of expertise.
Thank God I have the kids around. They make me contain the crazy a little bit.
Does anyone know of a support website for people who are still married after an affair? I'm just really struggling lately.
Don't get me wrong, I think this forum is great (clearly), but it feels like most folks here are either preventing a D, surviving alone after a D, or avoided the D without an A.
Maybe it's just that I'm postpartum, but I really do love being a SAHM. I think most of my struggles lately are because I have nothing else to focus on (hear me out...). I've always made myself be overly busy, even since early childhood, and later in adolescence I just turned that into a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with difficult things.
As an adult, I've done the same thing. So now that I only have my children to focus on, that's great and all... but when they're napping... and I'm alone with my thoughts....
I know, I would love to be doing other projects in my house while they sleep. There's always something to clean, organize, craft, whatever. But 1) my S is having a harder and harder time not sleeping on me (I am counting the days to sleep training age...), and 2) the problems will still be there whether I think about them or not.
So even if I do busy myself, I'm just suppressing my feelings.
My T has requested that I double up on my sessions to do more intense EMDR. Seeing as I don't go back to work until August, this is doable. We start next week.
It would just be nice to talk to someone who's been on the other side of this. Because right now, I cry every day when my H leaves for work and when my children go to sleep.
So, like I said, if anyone knows of anywhere specifically for people who have stayed married after an A, I'd really appreciate the resource. Thanks.
mmayre, I can understand what you are saying. I think the imbalance of people who are surviving after D and those managing to prevent divorce is just the statistical result. Most relationships that come to this point don't work it out. I think the whole point of DB though is to make sure you do the work to be okay even if the WAS is unwilling to change directions. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but I don't know there is a place you can go and find mostly couples that worked through it all and got back on track. Anywhere you will find the mix and the larger portion will be those that could not do it.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I dreamed that I was, essentially, a fly on the wall in H's work during the A and that I'd see random people saying, "yes, his wife is pregnant and doesn't even know he's f@cking OW all over the office" and then OW laughing about the fact that she knew H was married, and I was pregnant, and didn't care.
I just feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside.
My H didn't have a PA, but he had EA's...multiple ones.
The hatred you feel...wow. I'm glad you expressed that because I can empathize. I really disliked H. I really dislike him now for what he's doing to this marriage by filing behind my back...again. And using it as a control measure.
The only person I've ever hated in my life is his mother. However, the feelings I have towards H, even though I want to R, are eerily similar.
You've made me realize that him moving out and getting his own place gives me some space to deal with these emotions. I have been unable to control my anger the past two months. Not to the point of being physical, but to the point of being fed up and just treating him like sh**. I start anger management counseling next week.
Thank you again for sharing.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Mmayre16...... Can you give me some advice on how to deal with an A / H leaving while you are pregnant? I am having a really hard time and could use any advice.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
LongRoad, I'm glad I could be of some help in someway.
Twin, what are you struggling most with? Is there a thread you primarily stick to? I'm not very good at following other threads (even my own these days), but I'll try to help in any way I can (although I feel pretty messed up these past couple of weeks). For me, GAL and being away from H as much as possible was most healing.
LongRoad, I'm glad I could be of some help in someway.
Twin, what are you struggling most with? Is there a thread you primarily stick to? I'm not very good at following other threads (even my own these days), but I'll try to help in any way I can (although I feel pretty messed up these past couple of weeks). For me, GAL and being away from H as much as possible was most healing.
hope........ I think I get by day to day with the hope that H will come back. I don't know if it's just pregnancy hormones or I am not able to let go. I have never had an issue with GAL..... always(even during marriage) have gone out with friends/done my own thing.... I will try to go even "darker" to help let go of H. Thanks
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I know of several marriages that have survived an affair. The main thing they did was make a new relationship...if you keep living int he old relationship, the affair is there. A new relationship means a new beginning. One that doesn't include the affair.
Things have been good on the whole. I really struggled for the first 3-4 months of S's little life. I think between anniversary effect and postpartum hormones, it was just a really bad time.
He turned 1 this past Sunday. He's walking and talking and generally very sweet (although he's got a short fuse... that should be fun in the upcoming years). Loves sports stuff (kicking and throwing balls is a fav activity), but also enjoys putting on his sister's tiaras and stealing her Minnie Mouse toys. D's been a wonderful big sister. They really get into very few tiffs, and she really watches out for him. Their love for each other is just so sweet.
H and I have been ok I guess. We were dismissed from MT back in December. The things that still need to be worked out are on my end. I'm still angry that I have to continue to "work" on the mess he created. Not to say he didn't pull his own weight to get sh!t back on track. He did. But I would not still need to be going to regular counseling had he not done what he did.
Today was a hard session. I expect the next several ICs to be hard just due to the time of year. On the anniversary of the bomb (4 f@cking years), I was almost incapacitated with pain. I didn't eat for about 2 days and had a migraine that wouldn't quit. I'm in a new school this year (MUCH less stressful placement), and my administrators were so worried about me one of those days that they sent me home early (they just thought I had a virus or something).
I'm just drained. It doesn't help that we've all been sick pretty much since 2015 started. It's not all of us at the same time, but it's been a drain because either I'm caring for someone who's sick, or I'm the one sick (or worst, when it's both). Poor S was sick on his first birthday (had a super high fever from a virus that required an ER visit), and then that nastiness turned into an infection and we had to get our first antibiotics.
So between the sickness and the anniversary time... I'm just having a hard time currently. I feel like I can't even talk to H about it because he just makes excuses. "oh, it's just a busy time of year" "it's just harder with two kids" etc.
Aside: I will say, having two kids and working full time is no joke. This sh!t is hard. Thank God I was found an easier job (aside from the aside: I love my new job, but I'm actually making some moves to get out of public education. Too much bureaucracy, which is what I knew would eventually do me in in this field). It is a little farther away than my last job, but man, I'm not having migraines weekly like I used to. I miss my time at home with my kiddos so much though.
Anyhow, I feel like I can't talk to H about this because he doesn't know what to do. He is such a smart man on the whole; however, he, relatively speaking, is straight up stupid with words. He will be the first to admit this. I am a words person. My love languages are acts of service (which really he's gotten pretty good at, especially when it comes to doing things for the kids), and words of affirmation (which he totally blows at). I don't know a way of conveying to him my needs without him feeling defeated. Only because I know him, and when things get super hard (interpersonally) he shuts down. With most other challenges in life, he rolls up he sleeves and gets to it, but with this stuff, he's a mess (case in point, how this whole mess started when he had to face becoming a father).
I think I know what I need from him. I think I need affirmations that he wants me and that he loves me and that everything is good and he doesn't want to be anywhere else. But when he tries to say those things with words, he straight up sounds disingenuous. Like a robot (in fact, many people at his work call him Robot). So I can't even take him seriously when he attempts this.
I'm venting and very stream of consciousness right now. I know this.
In many ways, I still feel very disrespected. I still feel very devalued. I think because in my mind, I would never do what he did to me unless I f@cking hated that person and wanted to make them feel subhuman.
I'm not saying he does things currently to make me feel that way. I do feel under appreciated on the whole, but, as a working mom, I don't think I'm unique in feeling that way. It comes with the territory, I suppose. And my sweet D is actually very thankful (will randomly thank me for general mom stuff like cleaning her clothes, making her food, brushing her hair, etc), so that helps quite a bit.
It's not helpful that media, and it feels like society on the whole, are so... judgmental... on people if they stay after an affair. "Clearly they have no respect for themselves to stay with someone like that" Thanks. That really helps this process. Makes me hate myself and my spouse so much less.
F@ck waiting for spring to get here. I'm ready for summer.
May, I don't know if you remember me from "back in the day" I was on here too back in 11/12 even 13.
Anyway, I remember your story and I think you are crazy strong for pulling through what you did. I checked back on here recently and I'm glad to see you are still going. Your new little one is doing well.
I was always rooting for you.
I lived through an affair years ago -- but it was in a LTR not a marriage, and we didn't survive, ultimately. I think there were loads of other reasons.
Since you said what you did about the judgement from people -- I am not judging you but I would just be curious if you can talk a little about what goes into your day to day strength and choice to stay and make it work?
I post in the Newcomer's Forum. My W walked away 7 months ago and filed for D the very next day. I only mention this because I can't imagine what it's like to go thru what you have. I started reading your sitch some time ago and finally wanted to pass along my support.
As ESN wrote, "I admire you."
Here is a Bible verse I just came across yesterday. I would like to share it with you:
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).
Please hang in there - I am rooting for you and will dedicate a prayer for you right after I post this.
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
