A friend... who told me a few months ago she suspected something was wrong with her M... told me today she found out her H has been having a full blown PA since June. They have 2 children under the age of 3 together.
She has way more evidence than I ever had. There is no doubt he's f-ed this OW several times in their own home. Any evidence I ever had was circumstantial. Which has its pluses and minuses. It never showed that H really did sleep with OW (which he still denies). But it's enough where I think most people would think he's guilty of it (I know I certainly do), and I'll never REALLY know the truth. I just have to accept what I DO know. And that's still not easy.
And like I said a few days ago, this was the point where he started to lose it last time.
I'm not seeing any evidence currently that anything is wrong, but it is... difficult.
My friend sat in my car with me and cried during lunch, the same way I did 3 years ago.
I'm choosing not to think about the A much lately. When thoughts enter my head, I just squish them down and do my best NOT to think about it. I guess they're like flashbacks. So I don't know if it's acceptance, or if it's denial.
We've started EMDR a few times, but we'd start a few sessions, then some major life BS would happen causing us to put it on the back burner until things calmed down. Then this most recent time we started the process, I found out I was pregnant like, 2 weeks later. So because of the upsetting nature of the sessions, we decided to hold off until I felt like it was safe to introduce that stress again.
May, you did it together? I've only ever heard of individual EMDR.
But, yeah, if you're preggo may not be a good idea; however, I recommend this to all my clients. I've done it myself, and across the board see huge improvements.
One thing you want to remember, May, the choice is yours.
It's not anyone else's to live with.
YOU have to go deep within and choose if you can live with your husband for the rest of your life. There are no rules -
For me, I am out of my relationship for good. Sure, I would love a nuclear intact family and a sibling for my daughter. But after 5 years, I can see that I was going to continue to live inauthentically for many more years - indefinitely even.
But ultimately, the standards are yours. You create them. You live with them.
Your ego mind will have you running in a million different directions and keep you in fear and survival mode, if you let it. But if you find a place inside you that knows - I can forgive and move on and live with this man and I only have me to trust - then you can always go to that place inside you to rest when you are feeling uncertain.
And perhaps after you deliver, you can return to EMDR and work through some of that old trauma.
(I still have it over the dumbest things - and plan to do more EMDR for it)
Note: This is not really M related... but it sort of is in some ways.
So I found out I'm having a boy. I'm not exactly thrilled.
Yes, I know plenty of people cannot have children who so desperately want them. Yes, I know plenty of boys who are perfectly sweet and smart and turn out to be successful, good men. Yes, I know that I've already got my girl, so why complain.
It's different being a special education teacher. Everyone I've told has had the "oh, that's so much fun!" reaction.
Everyone, except my other SpEd friends. And then they all go "uhhhh a boy, huh?"
They know. They know the stats just like I do. It's not a coincidence that in the 4 years I've been at this school, between two self contained special education units, there have only been 4 girls. There's only one girl this year with 11 boys.
My particularly sketchy history with men doesn't exactly help my situation. H f@cked up badly. My father f@cked up badly. My stepbrother has f@cked up badly. Again, not to say that women don't. But I personally have not been burned by women like I have by men. Not even close. It also doesn't help that my FIL and BIL are complete sons of b!tches. So the thought of bringing another male so closely into my life terrifies me.
H does not understand my anxiety. My saddness. Even my close friends (again, unless they're in SpEd) don't get it. H has gotten downright angry with me. "Why even get pregnant then?" he'll say. Well, all actions come with potential risks and consequences. I do my best to narrow them. Hence why I refuse to have children past the age of 35. That's a way to narrow. I don't drink or smoke while pregnant (not that I've ever smoked). I have a doctor I trust and I take my prenatal vitamins. I eat as best I can (you know how that can go when you're pregnant).
But I very distinctly remember the sigh of relief when I heard my first was a girl. One less potential factor to raise risks of developmental issues.
1 in 54 boys will be diagnosed with autism. 1 in 252 girls. It's not exactly a level playing field.
It's just in my face every day. And every day H asks me if I'm excited about it being a boy yet.
No, I'll be excited when he's 2 and he's talking and there's no evidence of delays.
I can't even talk to him about it. I can't talk to anyone about it in person. I just start crying, and I hate crying in front of people. And, like I said, I really think only my SpEd people will get it.
I know that 1 in 54 means that 53 won't get autism. But that still doesn't make me any less frightened unfortunately (and arguably, I know what to do with a child with autism). I know statistics are not guarantees or promises. I can see the rational side to this.
But it's not the side that is governing my emotions unfortunately. And H simply does not know how to tolerate, much less support me, through this right now. And due to his anger about my feelings on this topic, in some ways I feel just alone in this pregnancy as I did in the first one.
Google the vitamin D council dot org and look at what they have to say about vitamin D and autism. Possibly the best thing you could do is check your vitamin D level, make sure you're getting enough vitamin D (and sunshine!) to bring your vitamin D level up to 50 or better, and take vitamins with DHA (a component of fish oil, important for brain development).
Hi there friend! I'm going to chime in and give you another perspective.
First I am going to tell you to get out of your statistical mind. There are so many other statistics that can scare the crap out of parents. I'm not saying these to scare you, but just to make a point. How much higher is the percentage that a girl can get raped? We know girls have a 100% chance of getting pregnantt over a boy!
I m going to be. Little hard on you. Your H wants to see you happy and excited! Your bringing a baby into this world! This is great! You can not live be worrying about everything that can go wrong. You will make yourself sick. Think about everything that could go right! Nd god forbid there were some development delays. You get him the help he needs. That's all. You love him no less and you still enjoy being a mom to him. It's not like you wouldn't be able to handle it.
I just got back from training and my fellow nurse is. Single mom of 3 boys. Had her first at 20. Her and her husband are divorced. He was abusive. She has twin boys who were born at 25 weeks. Micro preemies who were in the NICU for months. . And an older son. These boys thrived so well. Were and are exceptional in school, self sufficient, respectful, loving, talented...... Imagine that!!! And it's not as rare as you think.
Think of your father. Think of other guys you know in your life.
I am not defending your H. But I think he is feeling a little alone in this pregnancy too. Alone in his excitement and you alone in your anxiety. He had the anxiety in your first pregnancy for other reasons. Now you have the anxiety in this pregnancy for other reasons.
Try to make the choice to be in this together on a happy note. He doesn't want to go to his bd place because the last time he didn't handle it so well. He wants to be in his good place.
