And I agree with what was written in the book...the only thing I don't understand is if I am supposed to stop giving birthday and holiday gifts or even an anniversary one. I'm not doing little gifts just any day anymore like I did after reading The Love Dare. I guess that is chasing him. I gather I am not supposed to chase.
Summer, try to have NO expectations at this point in time, rather than GOOD expectations instead of bad expectations.
Considering that you've chosen to post in this particular area of the board, any expectations you have are likely to continue your thoughts of moving on.
Also, considering your past posts, I'm not quite sure enough information is available to offer any type of specific feedback for your particular sitch.
One thing is clear, you've come here because you HOPE that your M can be saved, even though your are posting in this particular forum.
That said, your most recent effort to change the sitch is likely positive. Other than letting your H know about how you feel some of his words / actions are rude and unacceptable, what else are you doing to work on yourself?
Even if you've posted in the past or have been doing 180s and GAL, what 180s and GAL are you doing, right now?
Also, I feel that Love Dare CAN be helpful in certain sitches. Again, I'm not sure there's enough info of the sitch as it stands, to know whether it might work, for you. Have you been doing any of it and if so, do you think there's been any positive results?
And, prior to the breakdown of the M, as far as you can tell when it really started to happen, did your H normally chase you, or did you normally chase him?
We didn't have to chase each other. We were both on the same page. We were both friends, lovers, family, and connected. We were very 'functional' as a team and a couple. We had joy; we had fun. We didn't have to think about who did what. I have posted in the 'newbie' in the past and I am actually thinking about pulling my posts out of this thread as long as rudeness and inconsideration towards me stops. Besides, I know in my heart that I don't have the courage to walk away. I just want better connection and treatment than what I have now and yet at the same time, I don't want to be treated like I am a second class person. In terms of 180s, I think I mentioned those on a different thread. I try to laugh more. I try to make sure I leave the room on a positive note. I try to go out more. I am trying to find more fun activities for myself and go out even if it doesn't include him. I try to not push myself on him or talk relationship issues with him. I try not to involve myself in the family drama and drag him into it. (That part is hard since apparently, I get dragged into things too easily!) I have not chased him or said I love him; I have kept my distance (not phoning or texting or trying to get loving words or actions from him...or giving him hugs or kisses first...allowed him to have his strong boundaries/walls...or giving little gifts...basically doing the things that I want for me!) and I hate that most of all. To me, the acts of love are the utmost importance to my sense of self as a human being and to me and any relationship I have. Being kind and loving is a part of breathing for me. To NOT do this is like trying not to breathe. (And it hasn't worked. If anything, it's simply made the distance between us more permanent.)
Oh. I guess the actual breakdown/disconnection was when my kids were teenagers which was around 10 years ago. (They are 24-25 now.) When the kids were teenagers, they caused us to fight a lot. There was a lot of sibling rivalry and a lot of other personal stuff happening that was out of our control. Their behavior was so antagonistic, drama filled, divisive, and there was no stop. They were doing things that split us up from each other, frankly, whether they or he admits it or not. They may not have intended to, but that's what happened.
I was the caretaker and was drowning in this horrible situation. I would call him or/and text him with needing his help and support over what the kids were doing. I guess I lost him when he got drawn into this whirlwind too. I got the blame from everyone and the kids knew how to manipulate it so that I would get the blame. (Isn't it great to be a mom and a wife?!)
That's when he truly disconnected from me. He used to say a term of endearment towards me but the way he said it was so rude and insincere even strangers could hear it in his voice. I made him stop saying because just hearing the insincerity and the condescension in his voice drove me nuts. He didn't mean it in a loving way and it was very disrespectful towards me. We fought over that too. Then he started just calling me by my name and it sounded as just as horrible as the insincere endearment he used. For too many years, it made me even hate my own name because he said it wish such antagonism and disrespect in his voice. So it was during those years when it all crashed.
Though he finally says my name without all that harshness involved (usually) and things are definitely better than they were back then, they are not even close to where they should be. We've never been able to get our mojo back even though both children are adults now but that's because nobody healed from the awfulness of those teenage years. (And there are other circumstances that prevent complete healing.)
So my 180 I did was when all that teenage horribleness came to a head and when it became clear that he was not able to support me emotionally with all their drama was that I stopped telling him and asking for his help or support. I also stopped fighting with him. I stopped defending myself. I did everything I could to just maintain peace between us. he created walls and boundaries and told me some really negative stuff and I stayed silent and just let him have his horrible walls and boundaries that drove us apart and I hated and still hate every second of it because he never withdrew those walls and boundaries! Now, the the family is not in daily emotional dramatic despair but he never warmed up again.
I posted here because each time his family or my family decide they are going to be helpful and tell me if he is treating me well or not, it is like salt in an open wound and I just can't take it anymore. I live with the pain of this. Do they really think I don't know?
I kept silent to maintain peace and in the hope that he would take down that wall he put between us but he hasn't. I am in despair about that! That's why I posted in this forum. How long can someone truly survive loving someone but knowing that the other person is not able to reach out to you and repair things too?
Anyways, so I guess my other current 180 is me taking a stand like I did that night. Speaking up and saying don't treat me rude and be inconsiderate towards me. I am done taking it. And I asked for 1 thing I really want. (One action from him.)
I don't know how to have no expectations. I have tried to detach but I'm actually one of these people who feels angry or bitter when I try to detach. Detachment is like the death of a relationship and allows very ill will to enter the equation. I can forgive and I have, but forgiveness leads to love and compassion, not detachment!
In essence, my 180 is to act like I don't care that I a marriage in name but not in emotion and my 180 is that I am just moving forward without trying to put this family back together again.
I think I am going to end this thread because standing up and saying stop, and knowing I am going to stand by what I said, moves me out of that shameful moment. Though I still feel shamed when his or my family comment to me, but I guess I will just ignore their words.
Just a quick response as I go through your posts above from this morning, from my skim of your posts.
I think that if you keep working on your own boundaries, the rudeness should eventually stop. You may have to adjust your position / context, rather than your boundaries if people step over them. ie. If you have a boundary that you will not be spoken rude to, then you enforce that boundary by moving out of the presence of the person being rude to you. If they chase you into another room and continue to be rude to you, then move yourself further away from their presence until they stop chasing you. And if they persist by continuing once you return, then you may need to consider actually removing all contact from that person, no matter how you might not like that idea.
That said, it IS difficult to stop showing love to the one we want to receive love from. What is important here is not that you stop showing love, rather show it in a different way that might not feel like it is pressure, yet more importantly, have no expectations that your show of love will be reciprocated. Right now, that is highly unlikely, until and unless your H decides to R.
I'm not very good at setting boundaries, and that goes for him as well as others. (Which is probably why drama ensues and also why my feelings get so hurt.) Thanks for the responses everyone. I think things are calmer now and I am going to rest and chill about all of it. It is what it is.
