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wiscn Offline OP
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Just thought I would update my story.We have a court date in August.We are still living in same house in separate rooms.I am doing the 180s and trying to move on.Just not sure what to think of what she says.Today she text me she is having trouble paying lease payment on her car,wants me to take over payments and take car,she would take my car witch is payed for.So I say I will think about.So later in the day I text her she should keep car I will help her pay for now.Then she text me back I should move on and shes not into me any more,to much baggage.I than text her she is misunderstanding my text.I am moving on just don't what to leave her out on the streets.She than text back "oh".Not sure what I should do next.Oh yeah she also told to go and find someone else.

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If your W was having an A, would that be a deal breaker for you?

August is a long way away. Keep working on yourself.

She said she was going to move out, why has she not?

I certainly understand how you came to the decision to keep the cars the way they are and help her with payment and her response could have been predicted. Is her thought true? Probably not, although for your own self check, are you sure you are not trying to help her out to win her back?

How long do you feel your M was on the rocks?

Before your W dropped the bomb, can you think of anything that happened in her life or any changes that you now notice she was doing, prior to BD?

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wiscn Offline OP
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Kaffe Diem

I don,t think she is having an affair but she wants me to think she is maybe.If she really was I think that would be a deal breaker for me.She simply cannot afford it.Thats what bothers me the fact that she wants so bad to get away from me she is willing to give up house and live in a dumpy apartment.I can't believe I was that bad to her that she wants to get away that bad,I think you are right about me helping her to win her back.I don't think she would do the same for me.Biggest thing she has happen last few years she can't seem to keep a job.She has a personality that rubs people the wrong way and she doesn't take criticism well.She says main reason she is done with me is because I would not do things with her any more.That is true I did stop wanting to do things with her.She said she has been thinking about D for several years.I did not think it was that bad.Now I wish I would have done things differently but we can't go back.I just feel like we should leave all the bad things in the past and start a new relationship with each other.Maybe she has found someone else she gets attached to people very quickly.The other that is bothering me is the way she is treating our 16 year old son.She is being very cold towards him.He even mentioned it.I really appreciate the replies I get.It helps to have other people here my story.

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Many people think an A would be a deal breaker... until they find out their spouse has an AP. Then... the BS (betrayed spouse) isn't so sure it's a deal breaker, after the initial shock wears off.

That said, I find it quite interesting that you didn't feel the M was that bad. Because your statement just before that was, you stopped wanting to do things with her. IOW, you didn't want to be with her, so you stopped doing things with her... and she noticed... What I mean is, how could you think there wasn't a problem in your M to a W you didn't want to do things with?

Do understand that I am sure you felt your W wasn't always pleasant to be around. I am pointing out what we remind people about DBing. Changing ourselves can change our sitch. In your case, at least that ONE change in yourself, changed the sitch which helped lead to the breakdown of the M.

Did her personality begin to rub YOU the wrong way? Has this always been an issue, but has been getting worse? What else led to you not wanting to do things with her?

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wiscn Offline OP
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I realize me not wanting to do things with her was part of the cause.Yes it is her personality that just kept getting worse.She makes friends quickly then just as quickly will not speak to them for some reason.There are people even her family she has not spoken to for years.Don't get me wrong she can be the nicest caring person.But if she does not agree with you she turns angry fast.I think this caused a lot of problems with her keeping a job.She has not kept a job for more than a few months all the while we have been married.I am not blaming her I am trying to figure out why I started not wanting to be with her.Honestly I think she needs help.As far as an affair I am not sure what you mean.She has said to mean that she wants to date again.It just feels like she is trying to really be mean to me.She knows that hurts me.Right now I actually wish she would move out.I can,t take this much longer.

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DBing has a lot of different aspects and vectors to come at saving a M. Not least of which because there certainly ARE a million different ways to do something and I am certain that MWD wants to cover as many of the general bases as possible.

At the end of the day, DBing is about SBT (Solutions oriented Brief Therapy) or basically focusing on a small, single, close goal, working on getting there and then moving forward from that point.

What that does is set up for successes, which is always a good thing for PMA. It also sets up for change, which helps to break patterns which can be negative. That ultimately leads to being able to come up with possible, positive solutions to the end goal, which is saving the M.

That said, even if we concede that we have contributed to the break down of our M and resolve to and DO work on those things, it does not have to be a case that our spouses work on issues that we believe they have, that contributed to the breakdown of the M. That work is often only something that will happen AFTER the LBS has done their own work, first.

So specifically to your sitch, even though your W has her issues regarding making and keeping friends, she may only work on those things at a later point, after you have done your work which might motivate your W to re-engage and work on the M.

Hope that makes sense as to how you might approach this.

Are you the type of person that sets your mind to task and are all in? Or put another way, are you prepared to do what ever it might take to save your M, so long as it is in keeping with your morals and ethics?

Or, are you just not really sure that you'd put in the effort if your W won't change? Because that IS a possibility.

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wiscn Offline OP
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Well things took a bad turn.I was talking to my sixteen year old son about her when I thought she left for work but she had not.Any way what I said was not nice.I know that was a terrible thing to do.She has not been back home since.It took a few days before the angry text stopped.Things seem to be going the wrong way.I have made up my mind to stop complaining about her especially to kids.I know that was very wrong.I am just going to concentrate on changing myself and helping our two teenage boys.I have little hope of saving the M right now.

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Wisc,

;You sitch sounds a lot like mine too. Just curious, is she a capricorn?

BKS


M46 W45 T12 M10 S9 D4
BD 2/13
Divorced 5/14
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wiscn, a few days have passed since you last posted.

Live and learn, I don't think you need us to tell you that you need to refrain from badmouthing your W if you hope to save the M.

That said, stop badmouthing your W. Also, figure out how to use what ever anger you have toward her, in positive, productive ways.

Did you apologize to your W? Was it sincere? ie. Not sincere that you were upset you got caught. Rather, sincere that you really said those things in anger, will work on that issue of yours, and wish her no harm and a happy future.

Also, as difficult as this is, and that you DO think you want to save your M, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with your W, if that was possible?

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wiscn Offline OP
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No she is a scorpio.I would like to here your story.

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