After being married for 17 years my w filed for divorce.She says she has been unhappy for several years.I know I have not made her happy.We have 3 kids 1 is moved out.At first I thought I wanted a d two.But after about a week I realized I did not want this.I tried crying and begging.That just made her angry.After reading a lot of articles and info on the web I decided to change myself.It is hard to keep going on this path of self improvement when she reminds me often that no matter what I do or how I change she is leaving.She says she is over me,not in love anymore. I just want it all to go away and go back to the times when we were really happy and in love.
Wow wiscn...I guess its the season, because my W hit me with the very same thing, and is acting the same. We have been T 16Y and M for 12Y. We have had what I thought were normal ups and downs...had a crisis or two, but always thought we weathered the storm and came out better for it. I treated her well, raised my step son as my own, ect...
But she initially stated her disbelief that we had a future together on Apr 12th 2013. Things were quiet but uneasy over the next couple weeks as I made every dopey mistake in the book. Begging, reassuring, trying to use logic, ect. But it was when the feelings of distrust built up in me, because I felt she was guarding her cell like a hawk, that I confronted her and more or less demanded to know if there was OM. Well, from that point on, everything I said was like pouring molten lava in her ears.
The next morning on May 2nd 2013, I found a note with her wedding rings telling me it is over, to get out, and she was filing for divorce. A follow on conversation was no good. Her heels are dug in and there is no changing of her mind. Like you, I got the whole ILYBIANILWY speech, and that she hasnt felt true love for me in years...damn near going back to the beginning as if our entire relationship was a horror story for her. That over the years, every disappointment cut a string of trust and attachment, until that final one was cut in the beginning of April. She no longer cares, is hurt, or wants to go on.
Now, why am I telling you this? Because I did everything wrong those first three weeks. I begged, pleaded, beat myself up, texted, spied, ect....and it only made a bad sitch worse. She withdrew more, lost more respect for me, and started putting the pieces together to end the M.
Its hard, but you have to man up. You have to grow a spine and take responsibility for your own life, and square your head with the fact that she may very well be telling the truth. But you have to get rid of that sensation of neediness. It is toxic to your relationship right now. The self flagellation and pity arent going to pull you up. You have to rise about it and find the confidence you once had. Give her a break..no calls, no texts, no contact for a few days...and then only to discuss the kids, or other small talk...anything BUT you relationship. Dont even bring it up. Act like you are moving on and happy. At a very minimum, dont have that sad face on and act depressed. And then...DO go get a life of your own. Start or renew a hobby, reacquaint with friends, ect.
Look, I am probably in a little worse sitch than you. My W is a cold hearted B, and when she makes up her mind...she digs in. So even with me doing all the things I have told you, in the past week alone she has warmed up to at east have small pleasant conversations, and sat in the same room with me to watch tv. Dont get me wrong, I still dont have a ton of faith that I can turn this around...but I bought DR and am reading it and the other posts on this forumn, AND doing a lot of self reflection and character inventories. All needed to begin your 180s to improve YOU, for YOU.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
w just started a new job.After four days she says she will not be home staying in town for night.No reason why or where she is staying.I have no reason to believe she found someone else.But it sure makes me think.
Wow it really does sound like my story.I guess your rite.Just leave her alone.Let her do her own thing and I'll do mine.But now shes dumping the kids problems on me my 13 year old son is failing she just says what she thinks I should do to punish him and help,she is doing nothing.
You will likely be the brunt of her anger for a while. As cadet mentions, detach, detach, detach.
Doing your own personal growth is for you, not to win your W back. That COULD happen, but you should be doing it for you.
In the mean time, your W will probably think that it's to win her back, so she will bait you and even unconsciously hope that you don't grow, since then she'd have to question whether her belief that you could not change and be the man she'd be a fool to leave.
And you are likely to be to blame for a lot of things, valid or not. It is common enough in WAS that we have come to know it as "script" behaviour. As though the WAS reads a scrip that tells them how to behave and what to say.
Pick up and read the book "Divorce Remedy" if you have not.
What things do you want to change in yourself to help you grow?
What do you do to GAL (Get a Life)?
What complaints, if any, has your W had about you that you feel could be valid?
I think your correct about baiting.After being gone over night she came home with a red carnation and placed right on the table where I would see it.I did not even mention it.That was tough.Thanks for the advice.
Well I got the Divorce Remedy book.I am reading it and trying to detach from her.She is looking for a place to move to.If I say anything to her about still loving her she completely ignores it or gets mad.Example,I knew she was going away for weekend so I text her Have a good weekend and I just want to say I miss you.She text back latter that she was looking at a place to move.So I thought about what to say,and I text back I hope it works out for you.She than text me thanks.It is so hard to know what to do I feel like if I support her decisions I am letting her go.I want her to be happy but I want to save our marriage,but she does not even want to discuss it.
