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#2317118 01/23/13 06:43 PM
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Juanton Offline OP
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Hello everyone. Kind of new here. I have been reading other posts and ordered my copy of DR and waiting for it to arrive in the mail.
This post is kind of long but I feel as though I need to get this back story in so that the advice of others can be given appropriately.
So here it goes:
We are a blended family of 8. W(35), me(34), SD(16), S(12)ADD, S(10), SD(9), D(7)ADHD, D(5). My wife and I met online 6 years ago and we instantly fell in love so much so that believe it or not we got married 6 weeks later. I knew she was the one after being in previous relationships and she felt the same way too. We had never been married before either just to add that information.
Unfortunately during the 6 years we have been together I lost my job as a truck driver during the 1st year of marriage and was forced to take a low paying job and thus went into a depression that I did not get taken care of professionally. It was during that time which was right around the holidays that I had a physical affair with a coworker, I can try and blame it on the depression but ultimately I knew what I was doing and I take the blame 100%. My wife was willing to forgive me and take me back.
Shortly after taking me back my wife and I went to marriage counseling. My wife didn't really like the counselor, not sure why, but she helped us somewhat get back on track. During this time my 3 kids lived with their mother and my wife and I got them every weekend.
Well during the summer of 2008, my kids mother decided that she wanted to invest more time in other men than the kids and soon had the kids over my house 4-6 days at a time, then 1-1.5 weeks, until one day she asked if I could keep them for 2 weeks and I told her no that if she wants me to take them for an extended period time that I wanted custody of them and she can see them on the weekends. Basically reverse the custody agreement. Well it took her 3 days to think it over and she did give me custody. Then she took off out of the kids’ life for 2 years.
During this 2 years my wife did the best job she could not only being a step-mom but just being a mom overall to my 3 kids. Well 2 years later my kids’ mom came back into the picture and now wanted her visitation and even took me to court which she won because she is the (biological) mom. Now keep in mind my kids’ mother hates m wife, never liked her since day 1, and now that the kids had bonded with her made that hate even more powerful. So not only would she feed into the kids trash talking but she would also tell them not to call her mom (which the kids did on their own). When my wife would confront me on this I would just tell her that bio-mom is just being immature and to just forget about it.
Fast forward to last year 2011. My job would have quarterly prizes for its employees which was a trip to Hawaii. Well a co-worker (yes of the opposite sex, and yeah you know where this is going to go kind of) said she was going to nominate me to get that award. Well that co-worker had a death in the family before she could nominate me and took time off from work. Since I never got nominated we would joke back and forth through Google chat how cool it would have been to go on the trip. Now my wife has never been on a plane so I mentioned this to a coworker half jokingly that I would of needed to find someone else to go with since I am not sure my wife would step on a plane. Well the coworker mentioned she got a new bikini for the summer and then the next thing I know this co-worker is sending me pictures. Now I should have been a REAL man and put a halt to it right from the bat but I was excited and intrigued by the pictures. So she kept sending more and more pics. Nothing physical ever came out of it but it was still an emotional thing which is just as bad if not more.
So as a way to prove to my wife that I there was nothing going on physically I became super transparent. And even quit my job to go back to trucking, unfortunately since it had been 5 years since I last drove I would need to basically take whatever is available which my wife understood. Well the job I had I would leave Sunday nights and be home Tuesday Morning, then go back out Wednesday night and home Friday morning. So that meant I was not home at all Mondays and Thursdays, that also meant she was responsible for all 6 kids as well. Now during the weekends that my 3 kids would go to their moms house which was every other weekend. She would feed the kids head with they don’t have to listen to my wife since she is only step mom and if she ever tries to discipline you its child abuse since she is only step mom.
Well one Thursday while at work, I get a call from my wife saying that she is done watching the kids and when I get back I need to find someone else o watch them. She would not explain what happened until I got home the next day and after she got out of work. So Friday morning I tried asking my son what happened and he gave me 1/2 the story. So when my wife came home from work she asked me if I heard what happened and she told me that is only half of the story. The other half is that when she went to discipline my oldest son (11) he was fighting her and left a bruise on her arm, thus why she is done watching them.
Now I thought maybe she just said that in anger and since I was off until Sunday night it would blow over. Well Saturday night she asked me about going to a pro football game and I told her that I wanted to see a winning team, so she mentioned she would just go with her daughters then. When I asked when the game was she mentioned it was on a Thursday. Well I asked how that is going to work since I will be at work, and then she hit me with the "I told you I'm not watching your kids anymore". Well needless to say I got angry and told me kids to put on their shoes and we left the house to go to my parent’s house to cool off. Well I didn't cool off and after she sent me a text of where did I go, I sent 2 text messages that I would come to regret. 1)Why don't you just go and refi the house into your name only. 2) I think we should separate. no clue why I did that, I know I was still angry and angry for something stupid when I think about it, I was angry with my wife and didn't value her feelings on the whole thing. Well a day and a half later I tried to go back home and apologize and kiss butt and then she dropped the bomb, She told me that she thinks that we should separate and gave me the "ILYBNILWY" and also the fact that we haven't been intimate for awhile not only because of our conflicting schedule but also because when she lays in bed with me she can’t help but think about how I was with another woman 5 years ago.
Well I was floored by all of this and went back to my parent’s house and have been here for the past 2.5 months with my 3 kids, while she and her 2 daughters and our daughter live at the house.. I have made all the stupid mistakes of begging, pleading, and tried reasoning with her and she gave me the whole. I need time and space to think and you’re smothering me and pushing me further away. It was also during this time that she soon started spending extra time with her oldest daughters dad who she has been friendly with throughout the past 6 years but their convos had always been "Hi/Bye, what time are you picking her up/dropping her off" well now they text each other/hang out all the time. I also made the stupid mistake of trying to explain that she was having an emotional affair too even if she didn't want to admit it and kept saying they were "just friends" and have always had this special bond between them.
So I know some of you will say I struck out and got what I deserved. By strike 1) having a physical affair 5 years ago. Strike 2) having an emotional affair last year but strike 3) by leaving the house that night and suggesting a separation/refi of the house. But I will say that I am truly remorseful for my actions and want to reconcile my marriage.
I am currently seeking anger management counseling since I can sometimes go from 0-60 in a heartbeat since I don’t deal with issues right away and let them boil over. I have never been physically abusive.
I also am seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me with klonopin for anxiety/bi polar since my wife thinks I am bipolar with the way I act. I trust her opinion since she is bi-polar herself and has been on medication for about 16 years now.
I also started seeing a marriage counselor as well for individual counseling and my wife came 1 time with me on dec 26th but told him she only did it because she promised me she would come once. She has to my knowledge seen him 1 more time like 3 weeks ago to get things off her chest, but didn’t tell me what it was they discussed or anything.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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Also to add. Last Sunday 1/13 my W came to pick up our daughter since it was my weekend with her. Let's just say our interaction with each other was not pleasant and the D word was brought up. My W mentioned that she has not filed yet because she knows I won't sing the papers. So instead of just walking away and keeping my calm, I did the exact opposite.

I told my W that if she filed I would sign the papers, matter of fact I would do her a favor and when I got back from my new job orientation, since one of my wife's complaint was that I was not more active in the kids life and the job I had I was nt home Mondays and Thursdays.

So that Sunday night my wife text me and asked me if we could get together and talk. I asked her if she wanted a D and she said that is what she wanted to talk about.

Well on Tuesday wile at orientation, I had text my wife to let her know how much schedule was going to be and to let her know about insurance changes. And after orientation I gave her a call to confirm my schedule since it would affect me getting our daughter on my Fridays. While on the phone I should have sensed that she was in a mood about the insurance changes since our daughter currently get allergy shots and is on meds, but instead I asked about the talk she wants to have could be done over the phone or through text message. She instantly got mad at me and said "No, I want to do this in person."

Well that night I was watching TV at the hotel and saw something with Hillary Clinton and instantly thought about my wife. So me being the dummy again thought to text my W and ask her a question. "How come Hillary can forgive and stay with Bill after all these years, but you and I can't"..

She immediately replied back with " The reason I wanted to talk to you s because I think if we were to ever work this out, we need to start out as friends. But I see that will never happen."

Well I acting through emotion replied back "So you want to "friend zone" me? Was that your idea or the MC?"

Then she said "NVM leave it b it ain't going to work"

Well needless to say the guy across the hall from me at the hotel must be in a similar situation because you could hear him calling his ex and begging and pleading with her even though she is with OM. and for the 30 minutes that he was on the phone and begging and pleading it finally hit me. 1) it was pathetic what he was doing. 2) I was doing the same thing but failed to realize it. So at that moment I decided I would follow the rules that Sandi2 posted and not contact her unless she contacts me first.

So all day Wednesday we didnt talk, and then Thursday she sent me a text about dental insurance which I answered since it had to do with our daughter. Then that night when I got home I turned off my phone so i cold spend some uninterrupted time with my kids. Well I guess during that time she text message me about some tax relief paper that she wanted me to sign. So i didn't receive it until way later that night when I turned back on my phone.

So on Friday, I didn't bother to text her back or anything. So around 5pm she starts to call my phone and I left it go to VM, and she said about getting together to sign this paper so she can mail it in. Well I figured that the paper doesnt have to be in until March 1st and I was seeing our daughter next weekend so I could sign it then since it was no big deal to me. Well 5 attempted calls later. She leaves me a VM saying how I am acting immature about the situation.

So I called her back around 8pm and apologized that I was busy and didn't see the big deal of signing the paper. She told me that she wanted me to sign the paper so it can be sent in ASAP.
So she asked me if I was going to be home, and I told her yeah that I had homework to do, so she laughed and said "Yeah ok homework, on a Friday night." And then went off about how she hopes I am happy with whoever I am with and she hopes the other person is happy too, and that they are happy with a cheater and someone who walks out on their family."

So she stopped over at my parents place, and I made a promise to myself that I wouldnt say anything since I know I am not in a place right now to talk with her without letting my emotions get in the way. So as I signed the paper, i turned to go back inside and I could hear her say " Have fun doing your homework, whoever she is."


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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So on Saturday and Sunday I didn't bother messaging her or talking to her at all, then on Monday I had an appointment with my shrink. When I first saw her she put me on Klonopin but with this new job I can't be on any benzo's for medication.

So while I was at orientation and had an awakening that I was being pathetic like the guy across the hall from me and said I wasn't going to do that anymore, I also decided to stop take the meds since I can't be on them for that driving job.

well my shrink says to me, "well I guess you've functioned in life this far along, so I guess we'll see how that goes." I then told her about the DB webstite and Sandi2's rules. And she agreed that it would be helpful.

After my appt I decided to check my FB account and noticed my W posted a quote saying " Today I close the door to my past, open the door to my future, take a deep breath and step through to a new life". Well 15 minutes later she texts me to say " I see that kids mom moved." So I waited about 20 minues to answer her reply and then she asks me more questions about it went back and forth for maybe 5 minutes but that was it.

Then the unthinkable happene that Monday night. As I was at my parents house I get call from a number I didnt recognize but I answered anyways. Here it was my W and she was at the hospital. Apparently she let her D(16) drive her vehicle into the garage and since you have to stop at a certain point my wife was infront of the vehicle to let her know when to stop and my SD accidently hit and pinned my wife against shelves I built. So I asked my W if she wanted me to come there and she said "Yes and no." And I told her I would be there as soon as possible.

While at the hospital I kept telling myself, just validate anything she says and don't bring up any R talks. So at one point she goes to tell me that she is not sure anymore about anyhting. She is not sure she wants to get back toether or not and if I feel as though she is stringing me along and want to file then she understands. She also goes on to tell me that she wishes that her and I could be as close that he and her D(16) dad is. But because I am a rollercoaster of emotions that she doesn't think that is possible right now.

She then goes on to say that she is not sure if we rushed into our marriage and if she should be done because my PA was strike one, my EA was strike 2, and me walking out that night was strike 3, but yet she also wants to think that we can get back together. I told her I understand.

So after 2.5 hours there they discharge her, nothing broken just sore and black and blue. So before she changed back I asked if she wanted me to leave the room as she changed and she said no stay cuz she might need me. So I helped her with getting her pants, socks and shoes back on. Then she put back on her top and was not shy about showing off her chest in front of me. Then as we are walking out she was hobbiling along while grabbing onto my coat arm, then she grabbed and held onto my hand as well walked out to the car.

As we were almost to the house I asked her " So you said that you and D(16) dad are just friends, then you would have no objections of me seeing the last 10 or so text messages, and she immediately became defensive and said No, that it was her phone." So I told her that "You know how suspicious that sounds or makes you look." And she didn't care. So I told her that if she was in my shoes she would think that something was up as well. Guess I should have phrased it better so it didnt sound like i was pressuring her.

Well the next morning I texted her just to see how she was doing and how her D was doing because I am sure that traumatized her. And she said she was doing ok but in pain and her D was okay but is still shooken up by the whole ordeal. Now I know I should have just left it there and just gone on with my day but I couldnt help think about how defensive she got when asked to see the text messages. So I then did what I should not have done which was text aboutthe relationship.

I sent her these messages " I just want you to know that the "friendship" that you have with daughters dad right now is hurting not only me, but our chance of reconciling our marriage. The fact that you guys "hang out" and talk about our marital problems instead of admitting you are having an emotional affair is really hurtful. You already know the pain that any affair can bring so you already know the pain that I am feeling right now whether it is physical or not".

"I know you will just go on to say "we are just good friends" and will continue to tell yourself that so it doesn't seem like you arecheating or having an affair. But if you look up emotional affair on any website then you will see that you are currently in one."

She replies back "Ok Juanton" So I replied back.
" You already know that I love you, so there is no need to profess my lve for you any further. But if you have any hopes our repairing our marriage then you have to be willing to walk away from the "friendship" that you have with him and put energy and time into fixing our problems." "Without first admitting tht you are in emotional affair to yourself and to me, we'll never be able to start down the road to recovery."

She then replies back "Listen I'm glad you want to talk about this, but now is really not a good time. I can't think straight."

So I ask when is a good time then and she tells me she doesn't know and then I send the last text message " Well when you are ready to sit down and talk then let me know and I will make time to sit down with you and truly listen to you."

That was Tuesday morning and haven't talked to her since. I know I am about to get beat up by you guys about my text messages, or even some of the things I did in my past and I am ready for all of that.

As I previously said I have my book DR in the mail right now. And last night I just bout "Not just Friends" for the kindle and will read some of that today. Last night I went to a Divorce/Separation support group as well.

So I am trying to detatch and GAL but I will admit that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Aug 2012
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Do you have DR? If not, get it and read it. It's your game plan. Determine the things you did wrong in your M and do 180's on those things. Your W said she needs time and space, give it to her!! Quit pressuring her.

That sure is a bunch of kids for one parent to take care of. I think you need to figure out how that's going to work if ya'll ever do get back together. Obviously you need a job, but you're putting a huge burden on her leaving her alone with all those kids so much each week.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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My wife just text messages me asking if there was anyway I could help out with some $$$ for her truck to get fixed since it was damaged when her daughter backed up the truck and bent it against the support beam in the garage.

Sent her a message back saying "I understand that getting your truck fixed is important but as I said before unfortunately I can't help."

Then she asked not even a little?.

Right now I am furious she would even ask me, that is the only time she basically text messages me when she wants something. But why would I help her fix her truck, just so she can go to the bars with her daughters dad?

Part of me felt like telling her to just ask her drinking buddy/daughters dad for the money. And another part of me felt like saying " I don't like it when you message me for financial help, could you please refrain from contacting me unless its about our daughter or our marriage."


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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I'm having such a tough time trying to emotionally detatch, I try and concentrate on my 3 kids, but I find myself at times thinking about her. And its when I think about her that my mood changes to being angry. I know I have no control over what she does and can only control my actions, and my feelings but yet sometimes I feel as though my emotions are getting the better of me.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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WooHoo, my copy of DR just arrived in the mail. Guess I'll take a break from reading "No more Mr. Nice guy" and start reading DR now.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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Journaling.

Went to church today with my 4 kids. I had to tell my S(10) that if he didn't come to church that he was going rollller skating cuz I wasn't coming back to my parents house after church. He no longer wants to go to church because it reminds him of his stepmom(my W). I almost broke down crying when he told me that last night. I know him and her were close, real close.

So after church we went out to lunch, I asked the kids where they wanted to go and of course they all said McDonalds. So after that it was off to the roller skating rink now we have been going every other weekend( the weekend that I have my daughter from my W) for about 2 months now. Normally my wife will pick up my daughter after work but when I grabbed my daughter on Friday I asked my W if it was okay I brought her home later since I was going to take the. Skating on a Sunday rather than Saturday cuz of the new job, W was okay with that. I even left an open offer for her if she wanted to come along as well since she saw my video I made of our D(5) skating on her own last time.

While at the roller skating rink I get a text from W, asking me if I could do her a favor. I contemplated on waiting til skating was done or answering her. So after about 30mins I message her back. "?" Then she asks if Icahn pick up 3 items from the store from her since her truck is still in the shop and she is still hobbling around the house. I didn't reply back with an answer but since the drug store was on my way I got the 3 items she asked for.

On my way to the house to drop off my D(5) I had my other 3 kids with me and I kept telling myself. Try not to show any emotions other than being happy and courteous. Well I walk my daughter to the front door and her sister(16) answers and lets us in. I gave her the bag with the 3 items, my daughter medications, and i also bought some more Vanicream lotion since our D(5) has eczema badly and the allergist said to use it but my wife ran out of the big tub with the pump on it which was $19. But I didn't say anything to her about it because I wasn't looking for recognition that I did something extra for anyone.

But the first thing out of my wife's mouth to me was "hey did you say the other day you were going to give me $100 for support for next week as well today?" I will admit, it did piss me off that she would even ask that but I kept my calm and told her I placed the $80 in the bag along with the 3 items I bought that cost $20 which makes the $100. Then I gave my D(5) a jig and kiss goodbye and left.

I could tell that something was not right with my 3 kids so as we pulled out the driveway and headed down the street I asked them if they were okay which they of course said yes, but when I asked my S(19) what's on his mind he said he wants to go back home, the home which we were just at. I almost about lost it in the car with tears because I know how he feels and how badly I want to go home too, but right now it's not something that my wife is willing to let us come back to. She is right not not even sure she wants to work on anything let alone let us come back home.

So 5 minutes later my W texts me, there is an outfit at your house of our D.i asked which one,and she said. The one from the school pictures. Now I was headed back to my parents house anyways but I guess just to act "as if" I messages her back " we'll I'll take a look for it later tonight when we get back to my parents".

And that was it so far today. Overall had a weekend. We made Friday a movie night since it was snowing here in PA and cold, the. On Saturday I let them play video games and watched some TV as well. Then Saturday night I downloaded the board game Life on my Ipad and us 5 played that for about 3 hours until bedtime.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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Journal:

Not activity between the W and I at all. Got 3/4 of the way through DR. And saw the MC today by myself since I haven't seen him in like 3 weeks.

Basically spent most of the session getting him up to speed over the past 3 weeks. He asked me how long was I willing to wait, told him I was unsure. But that I haven't exhausted every avenue so right now I don't want to file.

He at one point said it sounds like I am ready to move on because I join a divorce/separation support group. Told him I just did it to meet other people and also to be able to talk to someone who is either going through or has gone through this face to face.

Personally I like the MC but I am going to reevaluate if he is really a solution oriented MC or not.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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Journal:

My wife called around 10:30 left a Vm that it was important. She tried calling again right after but I didn't answer. Bout 2.5 hours later I call back after doing my English homework.

My wife asked me if I could take D(5) this weekend because her and her cousin are going out of state to get her uncle because his cancer came back. I did my best with keeping calm and validating her feeling when she cried and apologized for crying on the phone. I told her she didn't have to apologize that I understand what she is going through. I then told her I have no problem taking D this weekend since family is important and bringing her uncle back to PA where the rest of his family is at is important.

At one point I asked her if there was anything I could do for her , and she said "yeah you could make this whole mess go away, all of it". Although i wanted to ask her what mess or do you mean the whole separation and time to think mess, I knew it as not the time or place to ask that right now. The Congo lasted about 20mins and I even asked her how she was doing considering last week was the accident. And she said she is doing better. She once again apologized for having to ask me to take my D this weekend and I once again told her there is no need to apologize.

I can't help but feel like I want to run up to the house and give her a big hug, or just send a text message to her and ask if me and my kids can come home but I know it's not the time and place to do so. Right now my heart hurts because she is hurting because this is her favorite uncle a father figure to her when her stepdad left and her father passed away.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
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