On 10/10/10

[tadpole1025]

Tad, I read everything on your thread as if it is directed to me, I have always appreciated your honesty and love the advice you are given. I need to heed it too!!!

You're welcome.

What I am saying is that maybe Tad….SHE WANTS to see a little fire in ya.

How? Why? We are divorced which is what she wanted. And....she has an OM.....

I’m gonna go out on a limb here…I think you are still standing dude. I applaud you for that.

I think you need to figure out if YOU want to stand or not. You really cannot do both. YOU stand or YOU don’t.

This is tough. Obviously I really have no reason to stand because we are already divorced. She gets married next summer. I guess I am not giving up 100% until she is married. Is that a bad thing? I just don't know.....

I will work on the list of ten things. Having a hard time coming up with that many, but will try to post them.

Also, no need to apologize my friend.

XW and S19 have been arguing for almost a week now. I have stayed out of it. He's really been giving her a lot of sh!t. I hate the way he feels, but there is nothing I can do about it. It is her mess I guess.

Tad

[Drew]

discounting mileage, tire wear, and coffee breaks....of course

Tire wear? Yeah, maybe on the 747 when it touches down way up north ...

[ericmsant2]

Tad

How? Why? We are divorced which is what she wanted. And....she has an OM..

Really? Have you read the MLC resources? Do you really understand that the divorce was the LEGAL process, the emotional divorce is something totally different.

I am not saying that she wants you back. Only she knows that answer. What I am saying is that maybe Tad...IF you wanted to keep trying that you should try something a little different.

I guess I am not giving up 100% until she is married. Is that a bad thing? I just don't know

Then IMO, you are standing...and I admire that about you. It is NOT a bad thing IF that is what YOU really want because you love her. If you are standing because YOU are afraid to lose her or afraid to be alone, or afraid to deal with your own issues....well then are you standing or are you stuck.

Also, if you are going to standSTILL that is also not a good thing. Are you really starting to deal with your demons? Are you really starting to find out WHO TAD the man really is? If you are not, then honestly, you are doing yourself and HER a disservice.

Don't make all of this for naught dude.

I just don't know

IMO, knowing if you want or do not want to STAND is separate from becoming the best person YOU can be. You should do that anyways.

BUT....

Don't do it for her (that would be an expectation wouldn't it) do it for YOU Tad.

I'll check back on Monday buddy for the list of Ten.

Have a good weekend!

Eric

[AJM]

Yes Tad. It is her mess between her and S19. Your part is to help him and yourself. Not in a bad way, Tad. You're the man of the house and you are his leader, mentor, and father. That's your place and his birthright. You'll help him through things WHEN HE ASKS

Good to see you toying with the idea of anger, Tad. I don't see enough of that yet in your posts, but it's good to see *some*. You are starting down that path for more growth...slowly so far.

Work on the list, Tad. Really. Dig down and work on it. Seems hokey, but there is a reason.

Good stuff! Keep going!

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

Tad has gotten angry, or at least I've heard him get angry with her.
Some people are different. I would get angry at my ex during our divorce and after our divorce but I couldnt stay angry. Thats why i tried to talk to him over and over. Some people just dont hold onto that anger long enough.
For me I start thinking its a useless emotion and give in.

Tad its ok to stand, its ok to get mad, its ok not to tell her off. Do whats right for you.

Do you get upset when you tell your kids something over and over and you feel like they dont listen? Well these people here are feeling the same.

I respect everyone here but everyone dont move as quickly as others and some can get pretty upset about it.....all because they care but i think some have to learn they can take a horse to water but they cant make it drink. Listening helps alot.

I have to say sometimes it does sound like a board where people are trying to save there relationships.....married or divorced.

Hugs Tad

[sunshinelewis]

edit....where people are NOT trying to save their relationships

[Cadet]

I guess I am not giving up 100% until she is married. Is that a bad thing? I just don't know

Then IMO, you are standing...and I admire that about you.

Maybe you just need to stand in a different place.

[Kimmerz]

You know I think we all end up trying so hard to move on, that we don't really stop to think of the reality of LEGAL divorce compared to EMOTIONAL divorce. Those really are two whole different entities.

I think we all tend to think that because our marriage is legally no longer binding, that our emotions will just follow suit. Gee, if it were only that easy huh?

Glad you brought that up Eric.

Tad, you can still stand, move forward, and still heal and grow too.

When I knew I had abandonment issues and I read a wonderful book about abandonment, it was the domino effect in my path to healing....which I still am healing. Along the way I've discovered alot about myself, even XH as to why things turned out the way the did. And it's not anything like "well he said this, and I had to do that cause he's so horrible" sort of thing. I started to see our personal internal issues that resided in both of us that would surface, would make us act and the other to react. Geez you keep that crap up for years and there ya go!

Digging deep takes time Tad, so press forward, but be patient with yourself.

[Mach1]

Hey Tad...


I'm not around here much anymore. Mostly because I am in such a different place in my life that I was 5 years ago.

Yea, I just had the 5 year anny of my bomb date. No flowers, no texts, and believe it or not, I didn't even realize it until the day was almost complete. It would have went un-noticed, except that it falls on a very good friend's Birthday. It is unfortunate that it does, and now, his birthday takes priority on that day. I also view it as my Birthday in some ways. The day that I was given the chance to go through this incredible opportunity.

I haven't read much from you recently, just what you have on this thread. And I can tell you, that although you are stuck...it is a good thing for now.

What you describe is exactly where I expected you to be. And to be honest ?

To pass on something that my good friend Bworl told me.....If you weren't having these thoughts, then I would be concerned about you.

From what I see, you are still dealing with Fear. And although you may say that you aren't, I can tell you that you really need to be honest with yourself about it in order to move past this place.

It is a fear of success. You are afraid of moving too far ahead of her. Afraid of becoming too self-dependent, afraid of becoming too independent of her, or the relationship as you both used to have. You are afraid that she won't be able to find you if she changes her mind.

It is a real fear, and one that isn't easy to put behind you. Unlike the fear of falling, or the fear of Eric dressing up in his Tutu and dancing around in your kitchen......This fear is one that you cannot predict, nor should you. It is one that you have to live...everyday. And If you fail ? There is no way to know that, or determine if you have overcome it or not. It is a part of just living your life for you. It is waking up every morning, and making the choice to have the best day ever. And you accept what comes your way, in a positive way.

You have taken you time through this, and you really have become a different Father than you were in the past. And from what I read from you, you have really embraced that role. Is there any chance that you have hidden inside of that role ? You let it consume you to the point that your new role as a Father, consumed Tad the way that the role of a Husband consumed you ?


Anything is possible......right ?

I think it is the reason that you have a hard time posting anything about who Tad is, without all of the drama of your ex-wife behind it.

Tad, it's okay to miss her, it's okay to still have love for her, it's okay to cherish the memories that you have with her. It's okay to look around you, and think of how things could have been different.

What keeps you stuck, is that you expect that to happen.....

And when you expect that to happen, and it doesn't, then you wonder if all that you have been through, was worth it. You start to wonder if she really is or was MLC. And you start to wonder, that if she is MLC, then why isn't she moving through this.......These thoughts are dangerous for you. What if she isn't MLC Tad ?

What then ?

Does it change anything about the person that you are now ?

Does it change you in any way ?

Does it in-validate the work that you have done on yourself ?

Does it take away the relationship that you have with your boys ?





It comes down to a few questions that I'm not sure that you have the answer to.

What do you want ?

What are you willing to give to get it ?

Have you reached the point, where you are selling yourself for the outcome ???

And if you are.....is that acceptable to you ?





You say that you aren't good with words...that is an excuse if you ask me....

You have no problems typing endless rubble about her.....


So I will repeat the text from the other night.....

K I S S

Keep It Simple Stupid





Keep it simple....

[BeingMe]

Mach, that was such an insightful post. I agree with you. I have almost gone through the fear, and I've been at this for ages. Much longer than Tad.

What Mach says, Tad .... keep it simple, but also take it slowly. There's no rush to figure everything out in one day.