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jojo1 #2107802 11/21/10 01:11 PM
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Dear Laurie:

I am still healing. I think a series of disappointments have caused me to go back into my shell.

I have moved on from 'A', but I truly haven't let myself recover or I can't seem to be able to recover. Being abandoned by my husband has left a deep scar in me. In someway, I guess I feel that I am undeserving of someone who can really love me the way I imagine. I want to feel that I am not a failure; I not needy; I am worth being treated with love and respect. I want to develop that feeling, but something seems to trigger the old feelings and I get caught in feeling sad.


180 is very difficult for me. When I run out of patience, I get desperate and resort back to the old familiar ways that feel safe to me, but they don't work. They seem reasonable at the time, but then I just realize that I'm not getting what I want in my time period, therefore, i get desperate.

I have to soon see some kind of change in my life or I think I'm gonna go crazy...if I'm not there already.


jojo
jojo1 #2176238 08/10/11 04:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: jojo1
Dear Laurie:

I am still healing. I think a series of disappointments have caused me to go back into my shell.

I have moved on from 'A', but I truly haven't let myself recover or I can't seem to be able to recover.

You are the only one (on earth) who can heal you. Take charge of your own recovery and get help if you need it. Lacking insurance means you can get some free or sliding scale mental health help and when you get a job with benefits, that'll also be good.


Being abandoned by my husband has left a deep scar in me.

A scar is a normal thing we can live with and We all have them. But Don't let it be a gaping sucking chest wound. And you will heal, in time.

In someway, I guess I feel that I am undeserving of someone who can really love me the way I imagine. I want to feel that I am not a failure; I not needy;

Get a C and talk this out. Read self help books if they help. I found "The Power of Now" very helpful, especially the audio version.

Also did you believe these things while your h was with you? I'm sorry I don't know your thread's history. Could you possibly have created a self fulfilling prophecy?

And if not, are you letting HIS choices color your views of yourself totally?

I once met a charming, beautiful woman with a blue collar job in IT. We attended a seminar together and I found I had a lot in common with her.

Anyhow At one point she said her h had left her for OW...and we talked and finally, she blurted out

"But if I'm so great, why would HE leave me?" And that, my friend, is the core issue we have as LBSers.

We wonder how the person who supposedly knows us best, could choose to leave us...

and the fact is, we don't know their reasons, only

what they SAY the reasons are, IF they say at all....

So we must choose to believe what we KNOW about ourselves. That we are loving, interested and interesting people, with character. Senses of humor, talents, intelligence & quirks, make up the rest of us.

See yourself objectively with a loving eye. Believe it. Radiate it.

(Know that these beliefs about you, are choices you make.)

Then you'll find that when you change the way you look at things, the things you see will change too.

I am worth being treated with love and respect. I want to develop that feeling, but something seems to trigger the old feelings and I get caught in feeling sad.

It's a thought disorder you have to get a grip on. Figure out the triggers and avoid them or better yet, learn to cope with them better.

Medications, cognitive behavioral therapy, whatever it takes. Life is short. Be happy. Happier people are magnets for other happy people...


180 is very difficult for me.

Newsflash...NOT easy for any of us. But once you overcome the resistance against a 180, and DO IT (or overcome plain old inertia) you will be glad you did). And they get easier w/practice. They won't be 180s anymore. Make sense?



When I run out of patience, I get desperate and resort back to the old familiar ways that feel safe to me, but they don't work.

Bingo....^^^ "THEY DON'T WORK"...remember that next time you start to want to repeat this pattern.

You won't get what you want b/c "they don't work"...learn patience too.



They seem reasonable at the time, but then I just realize that I'm not getting what I want in my time period, therefore, i get desperate.

I have to soon see some kind of change in my life or I think I'm gonna go crazy...if I'm not there already.


Imagine your life were a novel. Who is writing yours? Your ex h? Not okay.

Be the author of your life. Write this chapter...and the next...

and make the rest of this novel, the novel of your life, go the way you want it to.


Get some help and post here often. What's your financial situation now?

And what is your action PLAN for the next 6 months/2 years/5 years??


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
jojo1 #2182277 08/30/11 04:44 PM
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Dear JJ,
I appreciate you update, as it has been a while. How could we focus and brainstorm about taking some positive steps these next few months? I believe in you and know you have the ability to move through this, JJ. Take care, Laurie


Laurie,
Divorce Busting Coach
Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
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Thank you for your response. However, you have responded to some things that you don't fully understand.


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Things have been a lot more positive. I'm taking the time to balance my life and define myself in more places other than 'my job'. I am finding life and experiencing joy, by cultivating my friendships, sharing some wonderful moments with my parents, traveling more, getting more creative, and involving myself in charitable organizations. I guess you could say that I'm feeling good, and I like it!

Big hugs,


jojo
sgctxok #2188366 09/23/11 03:16 AM
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I had a meeting with my wife at lunch today. I had a full scale miracle happen about 1 month ago. We were in the 11th hour of the divorce process and she had a little doubt and we have put the legal stuff on hold. I am living separately but we are dating. I had a great weekend last weekend and we have had several good times. She wants to stay separated for 3 months to make sure we don't get back together too soon and end up back where we were. She has been reading DR and today she wanted to name 3 things that we each wanted to have the mariage work better. Through all my research I have never found anyone who has a situation like us. My wife is very successful and she wants the freedom to take trips without me. I am ok with that but it has been a problem over the years. I'm willing to deal with it though. That was one of her three items. My first item was that I thought we would be better off if we could both work towards sobriety. I have quit drinking and I know it's a big part of the problems that we have had. That really set her off. She became real defensive and changed her whole attitude. I hope that she settles down but she has been very volitile over the last few months and every time she gets angry I worry that she may pull the plug again. I'm still working the steps but it's scary. I am also wondering if I have to give up sobriety to save my mariage.

nervous #2221292 02/12/12 10:48 PM
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Hi Laurie!
It seems as though the thread may have died down, but (regardless) I want to share smile I had my 5th appt w you Sat, Feb 11 at 9am. I really appreciate your positive outlook on WAS. I will continue with the 180, making the changes for myself. I wanna add that he invited me (again) today to a family outting. We went to the mall and had lunch there. I shopped while he took kids to the carousel and train. --his idea!!--
on the way there i brought up something his mom did that i didnt like. i prefaced it by saying i dont want to resent your mom like before, nor do i want you to fix it. I just want you to validate my feelings. he listened and we talked. very nice smile

On the way home he said he wanted us to take the kids to the mountains to play with snow (remember I'm in sunny Los Angeles smile That was also very nice. There was also more emotional intimacy. double nice smile

I'm continuing to stay focused on myself and see his actions as a bonus to my life rather than dependent on it. Living in the now is my new thing smile
Thank you for all your help Laurie! You're awesome!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
sgctxok #2254860 06/17/12 01:45 AM
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Question about goals. I see that some are not in our control but rather things we want from spouse. Is that ok since they are not something we can do but rather just wishes?


M:40
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Separated: 4/1/2012
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I am locking this topic due to length.

Please begin a new thread if you would like to continue the discussion.


Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Busting Center

Transform your marriage with a private 2-day intensive with Michele Weiner-Davis. http://www.themarriageintensive.com
Email michele@divorcebusting.com
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