No matter what stage of DB'ing you're in, setting your small, doable, positive, action-oriented goals is a must! This valuable tool is far too often overlooked, and/or neglected.
Setting your goals isn't always as hard as it may seem, it just takes some practice, and usually a lot of fine-tuning.
Feel free to use this thread to get some help with setting your goals, and to look for assistance in making sure they fit within the guidelines!
Take a look at the links that are posted on the following linked thread, to get an idea of what to do, and what others have done, and let's get started!!
I've decide to post on this thread, because this is an area i'm having trouble with. While my H and i where seperated i had no problem setting action oriented goals and i found them to be an excelent tool. Now that he's back at home (2 weeks and not to many bumps yet!) I'm finding it difficult to set goals that are action oriented and with in my control. I'm going away with work for the next five weeks and here are some of the goals i've come up with during that time, which i think will keep things going while i'm away.
1. Give up smoking: New place, good chance to break a bad habit.This would be a 180!
2. Continue with fitness training: Go for a run/walk each morning. Go to gym 3 nights a week This will also help with goal 1. I will drink more water and less coffee!
3.H and i will continue to grow close: I will ring him every other day and ask questions. I will limit work talk (H complains that i talk about work alot) I will take notice of articles etc that H might be interested in as a conversation piece. H will call me just to chat and see how i am. H will txt/phone to say goodnight. I will not hound H about 'doing' things at home, i will trust that he will do them.
This is what i have so far. Any suggestions for other things i could be doing while away?
I think that these are some GREAT goals while you're away! Especially the first 2. I should be doing these myself!! I will ring him every other day and ask questions.
So, what KIND of questions? Not drilling him with R type stuff, right?!
I will limit work talk (H complains that i talk about work alot)
Yup! Talk about any "fun" stuff you're doing. Any new sights or experiences, etc. Let him ask you about the work stuff, and then keep it brief.
I will not hound H about 'doing' things at home, i will trust that he will do them.
Maybe you could take it a step farther, and tell him how nice it is to be able to leave, and to know that things will be taken care of while you're gone? Doing something along these lines just might be an invitation for him to tell you some of the things he's doing to actually lay your mind at rest?
Any suggestions for other things i could be doing while away?
Postcards! They are a great "thinking of you" thing that are inexpensive and thoughtful. You are also limited to how much you can write, so you don't have to get too deep into any kind of "stuff"!
Have a great time (as much as you can on a business trip!), and keep checking in whenever possible!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
When i say ask him questions, this most definatly not R stuff, more just engaging and open ended q's as a way to keep conversations going and for me to do more lsitening and less talking!
I told him about how nice it is to be able to go away and not having to worry and he seemed pleased that i mentioned it to him. Thanks for that one!
I also think that post cards are a GREAT idea, and so i think i'll be giving that a whirl!
When i get back, i'll let you know how it all went and see how i went on my goals! I think the smoking one will be a challenge, but i love a challenge!
Well i'm back from my trip and things have never been better at home!
I really worked towards my goals, and i think they have paid off, on the second weekend during a phone convo he told me 'I Love You'! and i was totally blown away, it was the last thing i expected, he then came and visited me the next week, for valentines day and we had a lovely time.
I took JJ's suggestion and sent him post cards, which he really liked and as i travel alot for work, i think i'll continue to do this, H said it made him feel that i was thinking of him and including him in my time away, so big plus there!
I tell ya, goals work!!! I have spent the last week of my trip rereading DR and i have come up with some new goals, in order to keep things moving forward, I'll post them later to see what you all think. This time i think I'll apply "Ask for what you want". H is really keen on us having a future (often talking about it!) and now wants to help!!
So hears my current goals: 1. We will start dating again. H will romance me and not be so 'crude' with every affectionate touch being a prelude to sex.
2. We will develop a new or old common interest and spend time together doing it.
3. We will give each other a minimum of 20 min. undivided attention at least 4 times per week.
4. I will continue on my fitness routine, as this is time for me.
All of the above goals are basically to enable H and i to have better conversation and for me to begin to trust H again.
slowly