I'm at the 11th hour. My husband and I have been separated for 14 months. We have a 10 year old son, a 21 year old son, and a 1 year old granddaughter. We have been married 28 years before the separation. He's having an affair with an old friend. He wants to take her to NYC next month so he filed divorce papers. In my response I would like to suggest marriage counseling and parenting counseling. Can anyone out there help me with the verbage for the response? I am wanting to save this marriage. I'm glad I found this site.
My response to being served was to file a motion to abate and enter into marriage counsuling for three months.It was a long shot.But the judge granted me my motion.But be warned...... My husband was very pissed about that at first.In fact I have never seen him that mad before.But he is not as mad now.He calmed down.But I figured at this point what did I have to lose.You can see my thread in midlife if you want the whole story.I don't know what state you live in.I live in Florida. Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
I received my papers two months ago and responded with request for reconciliation conference and court ordered counseling. Her attorney refused a reconciliation conference but we are now in court ordered marriage counseling. She has not moved out yet and does not wear her rings anymore. To the best of my knowledge, she is not having an affair. We do not have problems with abuse, drugs or alcohol. Any attempts to discuss anything with her in the early stages met with resistance and she refused to acknowledge anything. She says that for the last ten years she has been unhappy and done everything. She has mentally blocked out all of our good times and only remembers the few bad times we have had in our marriage. So far, the counseling has helped somewhat but my wife has not called her attorney and stopped the legal process. We are continuing the counseling and she is seeing her own counselor at the same time. We have only been in counseling for three weeks now.
The divorce request came out of the blue with little warning. We had been having problems and I believe both of us were in mid-life crises. For the last year I was traveling extensively and very focused on my job and a few home improvement projects and hobbies. My spouse refuses to open up privately and holds all of her feelings and concerns in. She filed for divorce with no discussion with any of her friends, family or myself. The only things she asks for is space and time.
I have been attempting to give her space, not follow her around the house, not ask questions about our relationship or future. I am not sure it is making a difference yet but it takes time. One of my greatest shortcomings is a lack of patience and I am learning this now. Some nights, you would never know there is a divorce pending. We still eat dinner together and go out to dinner together on the weekends?
I realize that the only thing that will bring her back is changes in me but her lack of will or communication with me is making the process of changing myself harder. How do you find out what is wrong without violating the need to give her space? All I know is that I still love this girl more than anything in the world and do not believe in divorce. She has read the first book, "Divorce Busting".
I have a question, I have read your book and it has given me immesureable advise on how to proceed. My question is should I send a copy with a loving note to my W for her review? Will this ruin any progress I have made with useing the techniques outlined in the book? Please let me know. Thanks
Hi Michelle, I bought Divorce Remedy this past Monday. At times when I'm reading, it seems as if another person is talking to me(I'm not reading) Exactly today, I've been separated for three weeks. Initially I thought separation was a good idea. Not so sure anymore. Feeling hopeless,sad, and everything in between. I'm trying the LRT and 180's, but it is so hard.
Before: 1) when angry I would have a scowl on my face. 2) always called my H several times a day, even to fight 3) Didn't make any real effort to go out w/o him 4) Tried to get him to spend more time with me.
180's I'm TRYING now: 1) when I speak with him, sound happy. 2)resist the urge to call, sooooo difficult. 3) taking a class I like, forcing myself to go to the movies. 4) Not asking him to do anything "fun" with me.
But how do I do these things and appear like I'm moving on when we participate in counseling? I posted this question in the newcomers section, but I haven't received any suggestions.
This is most difficult. But you have to stop pursuing, for your own sanity.
I want so much to pick up the phone and call W, but I don't. W moved out in Mar. I recognize she felt she had to be out of the house and the R. Is time going to heal or revive our M? Probably not. But I'm beginning to feel better about my life.
If he asks what you have been doing, say you have been busy. You are still in the game, if he is going to C. W quit going over a month ago. It was unproductive. Be honest with him. Tell him what you want to in C, but do not talk about the R outside, unless he wants to.
W and I have NO talk of R or M or anything significant.
Hang in. Do for yourself. Walk, get outside and impossible as it is, do not focus on what he is doing.
Thank you for your reply. I'm going to do what you said: Speak honestly in counseling, but outside speak nothing of the M or R unless he brings it up. But I know I'm going to struggle with the second part.
Do you really think I'm "still in the game" because he has agreed to attend sessions? It's so strange. ALL of his talk is towards divorce, but I asked him just this past Friday if he wanted to continue therapy(because what's the point if he knows he wants a D) He said yes, let's go and see what happens.
I think for me the worst part is all of the mixed messages. Sometimes when I speak w/ him , he sounds as if he's so happy to hear my voice. At other times, he's downright rude and mean. He can't decide on what he wants to call me. Before he rarely called me by my given name. Now he calls me for example: anna/annie, but it sounds so unnatural. Sometimes even when he's struggling with what to call me, he slips and calls me an old pet name. In those moments his voice sounds normal.
I don't know....I pray that I survive this time in my life w/o too much emotional damage.
We have a session tonight w/ a solution- focused therapist. I'm putting a lot of hope into this counselor.
Welcome to the contradictory world of the WAS. This is why it is important not to respond or overreact when they say or do something which is confusing. A lot of it is testing behavior. To see if you are going to react the same way as you used to.
Yes, it is VERY difficult not to talk about the R. Every time I see W, I want to scream, "What are you doing? What are we doing?"
I know time is my ally, if only for my own sanity.
If he says he wants to go to MC, this is good. If he continues to talk about D in MC, (something W did), say I did not come here for this. If we are going to talk about D, and if you are only here for me, then this is not what I had in mind and is not productive.
But when he speaks in MC, LISTEN, he is trying to tell you something.
But don't go in with your hopes or expectations TOO high or unrealistic, you will be disappointed. I was and I got very hurt and upset.
The session was very disappointing. I am so heartbroken. The counselor started the session off by asking what attracted us to one another. I was thinking, ok, good start. Then she asked what each of us want to see happen in the relationship. I told her what I wanted, which was all postive. Then my husband said, it all sounds good, but he thinks it's too late for us.
Then she proceeded to ask why we were in her office: you know why each of us thought the marriage had a breakdown. We both told our side of the story. Again my husband expressed negativity about our future. After we both talked about our individual hurts and pains, she asked my husband to leave the room.
She told me she didn't hear any mixed feelings in my H responses. She didn't think he wanted to work on our marriage. The only thing she could suggest was to learn from the R and not make the same mistakes in the future("for your next wonderful R")
She then spoke to my husband in private.
Then yet again she spoke to me in private. My H had expressed to her that he doesn't want to work on M, but he wants to remain friends( because I'm his best friend) Even though she sees a lot of love and caring between the two of us " he's adamant that he only loves you as a friend" the best thing for me to do at this time is to accept that fact.
Can you imagine my shock? This was our VERY FIRST session with her. She gave up so easily! Who knows what she said to my husband in private.
When I walked out to leave(after I paid her $130!) my husband was crying outside. We walked outside and he said" I don't see why we can't be friends?"
I really don't see how we can be friends; it would be too painful.
I really feel let down by this counselor. I know counselors are not miracle workers and I don't expect for anyone to "change" my H mind. But we have been only separated three weeks. I know he can't be 100% sure of his feelings.
I don't know what to do. I'm not going to rely on anymore counselors to help me.
I think I'm just not going to talk to my spouse. I suggested that we(and meant it) dissolve any and all joint accounts. I don't think I can bear having to deal w/ him about business for another year(s) If I'm going to be separated, I want a CLEAN break. I can't live my life in limbo.......If he wants to throw away our M, ......Maybe it will be too late when he realizes it.
Do you think I should just cut all ties?
Oh yeah, the counselor even suggested we wait a year before we even try to be friends.