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Joined: Jan 2011
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Thank you for the support ladies. It is greatly appreciated.

We got back from our trip Saturday evening. It turned out to be fantastic and my kids had a blast. It was a great time to hit the parks.

25, to answer a couple of your questions. My W is not seeing an IC or taking any medication. As far as I know, she doesn't intend to.

The custodial plan will be 50/50. Our kids will alternate weeks between us. She knows that I will not settle for anything less.

Would I do anything differently? Absolutely. I will NOT allow fear to be my guide like I did the first time around. That was a lesson learned the hard way. I lost valuable time with my kids.

When my W and I agreed to reconcile, I told her that she will be my priority and I expect to be her priority. Anything less is unacceptable. So here I find myself at the point of deciding to attach actions to my words. Otherwise my words hold no water.

Here are my thoughts. I let my W know that I am done and want to put our M/R behind us. One of two things will happen. I will find myself a single father 6 months after filing or she will realize that she is throwing away a good thing and will take initiative in keeping our family intact. I believe the LRT is my path.

Either option is better than this uncertainty I am living in now. I don't want to live like this and it isn't fair to our kids. Good times.

I am meeting with my Pastor late this week to run my thoughts by him to get his take. Lord knows that I could use some spiritual guidance.

In the meantime, gotta keep living, because life awaits no one.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Posts: 3,031
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Hey LITB. I haven't been around much, but obviously I'm aware of the present status of you sitch. I just want to let you know that I'm still available if you need someone to bounce your thoughts off of.

I lean towards agreeing with you that LRT is the right choice for you right now. I do want to remind you though that you don't have to file for D in order to execute LRT. ONLY file for D if you are truly ready for the consequences of that choice.

Hang in there brother.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Posts: 6,810
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(Technically, I believe it's the AFTER-the-LRT, but hey -- he's on a roll . . . ) smirk


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thanks fellas. I appreciate it.

Well, my W and I had a disagreement last night, which turned into a M/R convo. It gave me an opportunity to bring some of my issues that I have with our sitch. Bottom line, I let her know that I'd much rather put "this unfulfilling M/R behind us, than live with this uncertainty."

She will be moving out next weekend as her new place wasn't ready this weekend, so I get to live another joyful week with her. Actually things haven't been horrible. Just not meeting my needs in a marriage and no action are her part giving me an inclination that she intends to. She is and may always put herself at the top of her priority list.

I'm okay with this coming to an end if it isn't in the cards. I know it isn't for a lack of effort on my part. There was a lot more to this condo, but that is the gist.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Posts: 1,656
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My final update on my sitch and some lessons that I learned along the way:

It has been just over 3 years since the original bomb and I have reached the other side. My STBX and I were separated for exactly 18 months before agreeing to reconcile. These efforts lasted about 6-7 months before the wheels came off for good. Honestly, it seemed as though we were doing well. We had attended a Retrouvaille weekend and were attending the post sessions. I thought we had gained some profound relationship skills from the program. There were many points where I felt we were on the right path.

Here is the thing. You can have all the relationship skills in the world, but if you choose not to use them, they are rendered useless. My STBX chose not to use them to help fix our M/R. I will never understand why not, however I don’t worry about it anymore. I know in my heart that I did everything within me to make things work. I am not responsible to bear her cross. I know that I can look back at this time in my life without any regret. And, my kids know it through my actions as well, despite their ages. That means the world to me and they motivated me to ensure every rock was turned.

So here we are. A year after the second round of calamity. This past Friday, we met and have agreed to amicably end our M by filing an uncontested D. We have the agreements from the first filings, so we are good to go without attorneys. We co-parent really well and get along perfectly fine. Our lives are simply on different paths. For the most part, our kids are doing well, however they have been undoubtedly affected by our sitch. Our S7 has been lashing out at his mom for about a month now. If it were up to him, he would live with me full-time. As it is, we share 50/50 custody. I am going to look into getting him some help.

So short of my family living as one unit in harmony, this is the best outcome that I could have hoped for. Things are much more clear for me on what I want in a relationship. My relationship skills are much improved and they will always be a work in progress.

At the beginning of my mess, I took on all the weight on my shoulders for the demise of our M/R. I posted a list of her complaints in one of my threads early on. I recently read it and came away shocked at how much that I was in the fog myself. I owned all of her complaints, even though some of them were not valid. The reason I say that, is because I addressed many of my issues(her complaints), but she found new things to complain about the second time around. I realize if a person wants to focus on the negative, they will find something to complain about.

Also, I was content on settling for crumbs early on. I’d hang onto the slightest positive or at times, anything that even appeared to be a positive. It was pathetic, for lack of a better term. I understand, because I was in a fog and an emotional wreck. It has been the most difficult thing that I have experienced and that includes losing my dad to cancer at the beginning of the same year as the initial bomb and my best friend….unexpectedly the following year. In ’09, we were all sitting in my sister’s living room for Christmas (my parents, my STBX and my best friend and his wife), I would have never in my wildest dreams would have ever imagined losing it all shortly after that. I would have never imagined doing my dad’s eulogy less than 3 weeks later. My STBX dropping the bomb and being in the midst of a couple of affairs. Doing another eulogy for my best friend who unexpectedly passed away 20 months after that Christmas. Yet, my STBX turned her back on me when I needed her most.

I’ll admit, typing that brought some raw emotions to the surface. I will tell you that I have become a better person because of all of that. We can look at those obstacles that keep us in stuckville or we can look at those obstacles as opportunities to learn and grow. I used my time to grow. I had no idea where life would lead, so I gave it to God, kept the faith and kept living. Life awaits no one. That was one of my mottos.

I became super involved with church. I am now on the church council. I created a FB prayer group to help encourage others who are facing difficulties in their lives. I started an All Pro Dad chapter at the school my children attend, which began in November. It had a super turn-out and it has been received well. We plan to make it an ongoing event. Submitted my application recently to be a big brother for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. A lot of doors have been opening for me. Life is really good these days.

Of course in on fairness to transparency, I have begun to date someone and it seems to have a lot of potential. She is well aware of my sitch, because communication is key and we have a mutual respect for one another. We will see where it goes. I am especially cognitive of my surroundings and I am protective of my children.

Good luck on your respective DB’ing journey and if I can help, I will try.

Peace,
Ben


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Ben, I've read your threads since the beginning, you are an inspiration and a success story.

There's a lot of wonderful perspective in the post above. I believe that people are in our lives for a reason.

And they leave our lives for a reason.

Our work is to grow from the experience. You will now attract very different people to you because of this.

All the best and much happiness to you and your family.

((( )))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Bug,

Thank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated and the feelings are mutual. I am happy to see you doing so well. Your wisdom is priceless.

Best wishes to you and your family!!

(( ))


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 847
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Ben,

I am glad to hear you are doing well. Your sitch is one where I really think - what is wrong with your W? I believe it's truly HER loss and while we both know there is no point in wondering or focusing on that, I do think she will be the one to regret this in the end.
Again - not your issue and not in your control...

Your growth has been amazing, your story inspirational and where you are today and where you continue to move in your life are a testament of someone who chose not to get beat by the challenges life throws at us.

Thank you for sharing - I feel renewed and motivated from reading your update. I hope you stick around - your insight is of great help to others here and we'd love to read now about the great new adventures that life has in store for you in this new phase.

((((((LITB))))))


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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Hi Ben, it was good to read your update. You are one amazing man and I applaud you for all that you have grown through and become. To put it in DB terms- you really are a man only a fool would leave.

I am sorry your kids are struggling... I relate to that deeply. I know you have the strength love insight and compassion to guide them through this.

As for the lady you are seeing now, I am sure she is lovely and am hall she is giving you what you need right now.

Ben you have and still are instrumental in my journey and growth. You are very dear to me and I wish you happiness and peace always.

Keep coming back. You are invaluable here.

Busting


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Ben, I am newer to the boards and my stitch is young. Your story is inspiring. It gives me hope that even if things don't work out in the M your life can still be filled with good things. I applaud you.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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