zig - i'm sorry- i somehow submitted my beginning of goal list - i ws trying to press "tab" and it got sent-
3. Get more sleep. How: -use mwd case story suggestion & have handy a task i've been procrastinating about- if awake 15 min- go work on it. see how that goes.
4. Work on gal - (more) how: a) ANY time ANY social activity presents itself- DO IT B) Find a couple clubs to join - take computer classes at library up north & keep walking every nite w/ bud c) visit anyone more- keep getting out of house - d) go & sell stuff at flea market for fun & clearout on lonely weekends. d) TRY to find substitute teach job or temp. job up no. TRY REMEMBER that mwd says doing nothing is far worse than trying ANYTHING NEW - e) try to quit worrying About doing wrong things w/regard to h. try to see self as NOT only part of a r.
hi everyone - i'm sorry i haven't been around. will start responding tonight and hope to get back to all who have posted asap
it's wonderful that there are so many who are joining the goals thread - and for all who are keeping up - please feel free to help each other out and add your own observations on what has helped.
what would also be great to see is if people came back to monitor and talk about results and pursue their next set of goals. I haven't been very good about that myself
cheers zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
afa - i've really reneged on replying ot your questions - forgive me!
i'm still not sure how to respond. i can only tell you where i'm at and have been the past few weeks and what thoughts i've been "living on" maybe some of that can help you?
"what you resist, persists"
i've just found that the MOST peace of mind i get in my sitch is to stop resisting on what is happening - detail by detail, and then i get to a place with peace of mind, and i can respond towards my h in a loving manner. so if something comes up that is emotionally very difficult for me to handle, then instead of "reacting" to it, i sit with myself and try to see what's behind my reactions - what deeper fears do they bring up for me, and then face those fears. and when i face and let go of the underlying fear, the thing that was bothering me sells to become rather insignificant.
i also try to stand in my h's shoes and see it from his perspective and try to "learn" him. then i find myself feeling more compassionate about where he is at. and that requires, at least for me, to let go in the moment of my needs, my ego, to see it from where he's at. if i manage to see it, a lot more makes sense. then i can be in a mental place where i can calmly acknowledge my own needs and be aware of them but at the same tim take into consideration that there are his needs also, which are very different form mine
your presumption is correct - to lovingly detach - but that doesn't mean anything to us LBS's until we have done enough emotional growth to get there. it's only a vague phrase until then.
and you're right about it all starting with self worth - we have to work on ourselves and get to a place of enough inner strength and self-confidence, and when we get there - all those endless questions about how we should do and what we should do and when suddenly fall away and it becomes very clear int he moment and we don't have to ask any more
which is why - making personal goals and striving for them is at first more important than making goals for the relationship
to turn the focus to ourselves and else where form the sitch until we are strong enough to deal with our sitches head on - and believe me when you get there, you'll be dealing with it in a very different way than you imagine you will, before you do
so yes, work on yourself, your life - that's what DB'ing is all about and as i read somewhere recently:
Fill your cup first before you try to fill someone else's cup
hope this helps and come tell us all how you are doing with your goals
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
hi d-man - apologies to you to for not responding in a more timely way
so i read through your post and you have made some stride towards being more specific and that's great!
it's been a bout a week - would you like to let me know how things are going fro you and what progress you've made?
did you more weights? have you had any opportunities to adjust your schedule to gal more? what did you do?
do you feel there have been any improvements with communication w/ your w since you made these goals - if not, what have you observed, if yes - what did you do different?
don't worry about the last one - you'll know when the time is right. also, better if she initiates
look forward to your update:) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
first i want to say that you wrote out your goals brilliantly - really clear and precise and i'm thinking that even though i didn't respond - your own actions in being very specific have surely had you well on the way to achieving these goals.
so its a bit over a week. how do you feel about where you are compared to where you were when you wrote them? have you had success and achieved those feelings that you stated?
about the thought-stopping. that is hard and it takes time. do you feel you have made any progress even a lithe? if you still want suggestions, let me know and i'll write some down here
if you have the time, it will be lovely to know where you are at and how you've been monitoring your progress
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hi zig- twice i began and when trying to edit and tidy up- managed to submit- so i've copied over my list so it's all in one place- and added a bit -
1. Stop feeling pressured to "make a decision" every day about my life with this guy - (go or stay)
How: a) reread the db chapter on mlc every morning w/ coffee b) remind myself every time to stop- & remember I can always start a new life when i'm absolutely SURE I do not want him in my life. & c) work more on having patience - see bigger picture? d) stop overthinking everything in universe.
2. keep walking every day - & do stomach crunches so don't think while walking.
3. Get more sleep. How: -use mwd case story suggestion & have handy a task i've been procrastinating about- if awake 15 min- go work on it. see how that goes.
4. Work on gal - (more) how: a) ANY time ANY social activity presents itself- DO IT B) Find a couple clubs to join - take computer classes at library up north & keep walking every nite w/ bud c) visit anyone more- keep getting out of house - d) go & sell stuff at flea market for fun & clearout on lonely weekends. d) TRY to find substitute teach job or temp. job up no. TRY REMEMBER that mwd says doing nothing is far worse than trying ANYTHING NEW - e) try to quit worrying About doing wrong things w/regard to h. try to see self as NOT only part of a r.
5) work on my communication - A) TRY HARDER to not be defensive- and not wiseguy either. b) Even if it's hard to be sincere- just try and be self like olden days - don't feel compelled to be "tough" about this all - find way to be neutral but Nice TOO. c) stop & think before speaking- try and be more concise- try & never get shrill or really "rant-ie" about anything!!! . (am doing LOTS BETTER - i thk i've become very lazy in life w/my communications - too emotional - across the board- everyone I know will benefit from this as well as me.!)
6) Take better care of self: (health) a) Remember eat better- incorp. more protein b) take a daily vitamin- c) watch saturated fat, stay below 20 gram daily. watch cholesterol d) do better w/weights- still too haphazard- get regular
7) continue improve wardrobe - a) look better around house- b) chuck (today) bunch old junk should not wear ever again).
8) re-read mwd book on changing life & continue work on relationship w/mother & don't let it get me depressed - a) remember she DOES have some other kids-if i cannot do something- someone else can pitch in- NOT ALL MY JOB-ALL THE TIME. B) get her bad temper & insults in perspective- stop before speak & don't let her suck me into response/fight. c) don't take it personally- she's responding to old age & her own issues - BELIEVE IT WHEN I TELL MYSELF THIS
9) FIGHT FEELINGS of hopelessness - feeings change - this too shall pass - one way or the other - a) maybe find a church and go b) try and be around up-beat people c) try & limit (somehow) contact w/people that are real troubled people & depressing as hell- D) remember - IT IS NOT my job or even possible to save them. I only have to listen & be courteous - I DO NOT NEED To come up with cure or solution- take a giant step back - do not get sucked DOWN & don't let them make me responsible for their unhappiness...(good luck- but try)
this is my beginning- thanks for any input or help. i can certainly use it.
Here is what I would hope is just the beginning of my goal list.
1. Find things in life that make me feel good, things to do and explore that are of my interests.
This will make me feel like I am an important individual who will be “ok” when doing things separate from my family.
2. Get my physical appearance to a place that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Improve on and maintain my weight, dress, hair, nails, skin and over all looks that bring me to a place of feeling pretty.
3. Put myself out there whenever possible to meet new people, make friends, and develop a relationship with someone outside of my comfortable circle of familiarity.
Meeting new people has always been fun for me, I enjoy different point views, and learning about what works for them. I like feeling networked and informed.
4. Don't allow myself to be a punching bag, doormat, soundboard, for my H who needs to expel his "spew" at me. Stand up for myself saying "I don't deserve to be spoken to in this way" then remove myself from the scene.
I feel very empowered when I can do this and execute it flawlessly.
5. Learn to take care of my home, learning new ways, be it asking my 3 sons or a professional to help me get my home in order and stop relying on my H to do the projects needed. Take charge...it's my home with my children!
I love the results of projects no matter how they get done…this will make me feel homey and house-proud, another check for doing things that make “me” feel good.
6. Don't let the mood of others influence my day. Don't try to take on what I can't control about H, control myself and tell myself that everyday, there's a reason to do something new and exciting, no matter how small it may be.
I will continue to work on this very hard one for myself, even baby steps feel wonderful.
7. My name literally means "the start of a new day". I want to approach every day without any garbage from the day before...as an extension of what was good...and as a blank slate for what's ahead.
I feel better everyday when I accomplish this one, it take a lot of work, I need to be more consistent.
8. I will do my best for me, my kids and even my H who no matter what the outcome of our M, will always be my family, and someone I loved very much.
This makes me feel proud, mature, that in the face of this “worse time of my life” I can be positive, rise above H’s ignorance and still include him in my good grace. I want to approach everything from a loving place because it makes me feel at my best.
My faith that God has heard my prayers to take my M into his hands, help me with my choices ahead, and give me the strength to deal with what comes next, is strong enough for me to push forward.
I guess I'm about to meet the women that I've been seeking, the last time I saw her she was just a girl. How will I recognize her...she'll be the one standing tall with her family by her side.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Nero, this is great! I have the advantage of speaking to you for several weeks now, so I know this is a really big step in the right direction for you.
Stay off that "make a decision" wheel and just focus on you, in the moment. "Baby steps" is my favorite term.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
