Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
from dawnmarie

Quote:
I'm in need guidance. I know what I want, not afraid to ask, but not I don't know how to execute anything for just myself without H by my side.







Hi Dawnmarie -- please post a brief recap of your story.

Last edited by dbmod; 08/13/12 08:49 AM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi- ok, thanks for this!

I hope to keep this brief. I'm married 23yrs, 4 grown kids still living at home, I have been a homemaker, my H works nights & days, has been (by all of my reading) for several yrs now in MLC.

H went into a deep anger in 2009. In 2011 he had an A for 6 months, and is still in an EA with OW.

H brought up the idea of D once to his own surprise. He asked to be "aloud" to move out, after several times of saying go, he complained I won't let him go!

I realize now he wanted me to "let him go" figuratively.

He's not leaving, still works hard, pays everything, anger is joined w/deep depression, criticizes himself, refuses to get old, says he's already dead, kisses me hello, compliments are coming back slowly, sleeps in my bed, claims the good H loves me, this H is a new man who loves being on the flip side (the wrong side) .

I have to live in this house, validatie him, be kind, not talk about were's he's been, get vm from his EA emotionally abusing him, and I'm spinning dizzily around feeling trapped, alone, angry, ect....

I have never really worked...didn't finish college...don't have friends, as H was my BFF.

I want to learn how to GAL, I was 21 when we meet, it will be new for me without H, and not as a W, but as just me.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Hi dawn

how are you?

I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult position. You have been very brave coping with all you have described, so you are already off to a great start.

and by that i mean that even if you feel that you won't know how to GAL or are afraid to go out and do things on your own, i'd like to point out to you that if you are so brave to have endured what you have , then you are already brave enough to do those things smile

Our perception of ourselves and what we feel we can or cannot do is often the biggest thing that stops us from doing something. especially something new.

So how about starting out with making a shift in your perception of how you view yourself?

Right now you view yourself as a woman who has not done a lot of things with others except with your h and family.

How would it look to you if you went out to GAL? what would it feel like, what would you feel like?

What do you see as GAL'ing?

could you put some thoughts down on those questions? including the fears you may have about attempting any of them?

what are your interests? what would you like to do, even if it felt impossible or really foolish? what would make you feel good?

so think about it and let us know

((((( )))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
HI zig,

People tell me I have really gone further than they would have been able to handle. I'm loosing site now of if I'm working through this for H, our relationship and family, or am I scared of life without him?

I think my lack of bravery stems from not wanting to be alone (only child), I had a very lonely childhood. I also fear success...not sure why yet.

Maybe there doesn't have to be a cut a dry answer...a little bit of everything in the pot makes a better soup.

To go GAL looks like abandoning my H,M, kids. Though logically I know that's not true...I have had a safe secure haven here that didn't force me to make that decision.

GAL is having something that's mine...for me to work hard at, enjoy, explore. I like doing lots of family oriented things like bbq's, movie nights, big dinners, active outdoor fun.

How can I really be alone with 4 kids, easy....they have their own lives. I was ok with that, really, because my time was coming, were I would be free like when I was young. This time I would be a real adult, with money, a car, no fake ID necessary.

The time you look forward to as parents when you can reconnect with each other and explore the next chapter of life together. I can't help feeling cheated of that time that I earned.

Getting to be just me will be a challenge...but one I must face. I think H would like to see that in me also.

I want to make a friend. One who is a sincere listener, secret keeper (and teller), family oriented, good humored, good natured type of person. It might be nice to meet someone who gets to know the me of today.

I want my car (new car,cause H took it when his broke down) it will help me feel that sense of adult freedom I seem to be headed towards. I might as well start out in style smile

Thanks for writing-I have enjoyed reading some of your comments on other threads. I'm grateful to have someone read and respond to my words of confusion, someone who themselves can probably relate.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi dawn - can i call you that? it makes me think of a new day - new life....

my first thought after reading your reply is that you have to go at this gently.

fear can really hold us back, but forcing things when we are not ready can be very painful also. otoh, sometimes jumping in the deep end may be all it takes to find out that our fears are not real, just imagined

I can relate very much to what you are going through - I did not do anything either without h for all the years of our marriage and after BD, it was scary - every little and big step i took brought up so much fear that i was almost paralysed.

but what i found out slowly was that the fear would build up terribly before i did it, and then while i was doing it and after - i just had fun and forgot all about fearing once i started.

your saying to go GAL looks like abandoning your H, M and kids?

I had that feeling too in the beginning - almost as if i had to sit at home and hold up the fort until he came back. but sadly what i found out was that that was co-dependency within myself that i had to work on and resolve.

Have you read Co-Dependent No More? if you haven't , I really recommend that you do. It will help you to see where you are at and how that thinking is detrimental not only to yourself but also to your relationship with H and kids.

Instead of seeing it as abandoning them, could you see it as you going out to do fun stuff on your own that you can come back and tell them about and they can get pleasure from seeing your enjoyment?

Another book that would be great for you to read is The Dance of Anger, if you haven't yet. It teaches about how to change the old patterns in relationships, which from what you wrote, sounds as if it is sorely needed.

One mistake I made during my whole marriage was that I was ALWAYS here for h and s. i never went anywhere to do my own thing. and i learned after BD, that that's what they expected and took my presence for granted. i really believe that my h thinks i'll just be here in case he changes his mind. he gets very agitated, even a year later when i do something he doesn't expect.

Have you read anything about Pursuer/Distancer dynamic in relationships? I think it would be wise for you to read and understand about how that works. there's a very good reason the maxim "absence makes the heart grow fonder" exists.

so now to you.

I asked you some questions but didn't get any answers so i'll ask them again.

1. what kind of real support do you have?
2. i sense that you are depressed and i maybe wrong, but do you have a therapist/priest/counselor - someone trained that you can talk to?
3. i asked what you like to do and you answered with family oriented stuff. let's find other things that don't involve your family. it can be simple like joining a book club or going to sit in your local library every tuesday evening for an hour. it doesn't have to be complicated

even though i've been gal'ing for a while now - i find myself thinking sometimes - wow i'm not sure what i like to do on my own, i'm going to have to rediscover that all over again.

so realize that there's no pressure

can you take a class - at the local whatever?

let's find one little thing for now and then when you feel comfortable with that, you'll get excited and new ideas will come

also you said you wanted to make a friend. so let's focus on that too. how can you meet new people? do you go to church, extra activities there, are there meet ups in your area (google meetup dot com and search for hiking, cooking, etc and you'll find the groups - they are really relaxed and easy going)?

so lets choose one or two things to focus on and get you started and then we'll take it from there

would that work for you?

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

just got back from airport- you sound like you're having a bit of a crisis there with this all. it does feel like alot of pressure to "detach now" and gal "now", etc. i feel scared alot of the time about living alone too. I don't even have kids. my closest sister died in '08 & now person i planned to spend my life with is spinning out of control mlc. i just don't know- any answers really- i just feel like you described exactly and i even worked for 25 years. so, i think you (and I) can step out of your home any time you want and there will be a surprising lot of things and things to do out there that you just don't happen to know about rite now. it's just a matter of waking up one day and feeling like maybe testing the water.

i surprisingly & accidentally took a 2-month job last week- totally unexpected. i didn't even ask anyone what they thought or even thought it thru myself. it just dropped into my lap- i went and said okay. i still don't even want to think about any long range implication or outcome. shut off brain- put on makeup and go in the morning. only have done a couple days - can't even believe i did it. i don't even know the job- they'll train me they say. just feels good to do something new- learn something new- be someone different- etc.

if a blob-fest like me can surprise herself- then you can too. i think the right thing will drop in your face or wop you on the head and you'll do it if the time is rite for you.

i'm sounding mighty positive here- hope it lasts. i just don't care at the moment about him and allllllll the "s" - i didn't even ask what he thought - and we were sharing the car when he was here. i just got up- nice as pie- got dressed- went off for the day and came home. he didn't volunteer his opinion and i didn't ask.

it's been a wierd visit- he was very unusually nice - this makes me very unusually suspicious unfortunately. i didn't say anythng. ow is still in the picture i'm sure- it still makes me sick to think about- am trying not to. when he leaves and i know he'll see her i really would like to drive over him with this damn car. oops- sorry, was that vicious? i don't know how to conquer that -

you know- that other bit last week or two ago about detaching and not inflating his ego by standing by while he has an affair) and you sayng you are standing and fighting, etc. i just want to tell you- my reaction was total mortification and disgust about his affair- and i heard daddy & his position about confirming it - BUT - i have to say that like you - i also felt"why the heck would i just lay down and die and let this jerk take my life away and me just hand it right over". somehow walking away seemed a hell of alot like just giving him his way and skulking away like a little beaten puppy. or something like that- i don't know where that comes down in this all. i hate this being patient stuff- i'm doig it but i don't have to like it. it just felt like the wrong thing to do- walk out for effect - my entire adult life was involved with this man and this relationship- you don't turn off 34 years of love like a faucet. it's complicated for women - very vry very

i am not at all okay with his affiar- he knows i hate it- i don't say it anymore- i do hate it alot and constantly tho. i don't know that anything is gained by walking right away other than giving him carte blanche to make me the bad guy and go right ahead and there i am- the guy alone. did that make sense to you? it's personal- a friend of mine had similar sitch - don't know resolution- but she said after a few years of therapy- tranquilizers - lawyers - her therapist who'd been divorced three times- just said to her- "think long and hard before you walk away from this long life with this guy - what are you walking away TO??? it will be you on your own- is that better? she didn't walk away- i keep thinking of that woman's comment. it's you and me who would be walking away to "what???"

my life was like yours- this great companion- great home life- everything i needed in life in one place. til he quit smoking- went mlc-nuts. michele's description fit our sitch exactly- so i'm thinking it's the problem here.

it just [censored] and is awful- so you feel like you do. it's not your lack of work experience, etc.- it's the giant sinkhole they've dumped us in with this crap. - oh well- just a thought. maybe what you feel and i feel is just what we have to feel til we begin to feel something else?

you saying let him go "figuratively" - well, what the hell does that mean really??? maybe they want to be young and single and free of responsibility- well, who the hell doesn't? they are greedy- i think - but just knowing it doesn't help does it? i think that my h wants "it all" too- but then he doesn't go anywhere. no one has a gun to their heads making them stay around us. plenty of people clear the hell out- if these guys are staying i just don't know what the heck to think of them. they are screwed up and don't know it- but just self-indulgent jerks- and floundering around. and hurting perfectly good women who love(ed) them-. i'm trying to get accustomed to the idea i may end up alone and may not like this man (or what he's turned into) at the end of the day-

it's touch and go. i don't think you need to decide anything this very moment as he's giving you the "time" advantage- and my h is too (and continues to i hope). in our own time i think we'll come to the right mvoes for ourselves- i have no idea what they wll be - but don't feel badly for wanting to fight for what you had - my jury is out on whether or not the men we love are "still in there".

hope you'e doing okay

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
Originally Posted By: dawnmarie


I think my lack of bravery stems from not wanting to be alone (only child), I had a very lonely childhood. I also fear success...not sure why yet.




hi dawn, i read once that courage is not the absence of fear, it is moving forward in spite of the fear. you are brave, you have already shown courage, you did not pull the covers up and stay in bed since the BD, you did not quit life... you have been moving forward, being courageous in an incredibly difficult and scary situation...

and you are facing and admitting your fear, which takes courage..

((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Thank you, needgrace! It's like I need to be hit with a positive stick every day I get out of bed.

The words on this forum have REALLY helped me turn my head toward some real goals. I was a zombie...full of crazy thoughts and anxiety just three weeks ago. My blood pressure was crazy!

Good thoughts your way also...this is really of forum of real people w/real life situations that need a lot of TLC.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi zig - you can call me Dawn...it's my favorite time of day!

Fear is my biggest hurdle, so I always try to keep my eyes open - really listen and pay attention to signs around me. I love those big ones...you know when everything you do feels like your hitting a road block until your like "ok" I get it.

Thanks for sharing your storie with me...your right once you just do it the fear seems almost silly. The one thing i have pushed through is detaching ( a little) even a small amount does feel good.

I really took the M life to heart...full force that's who i was...that was my mistake because i did loose myself. oh yea, I told myself i was who I am, mom, W, D, friend, but no, I left out me and became the titles.

I am holding the fort down and they do take me for granted...sometimes I feel silly watching everyone walk out the door GAL in front of me.

Thanks for the book idea...I downloaded it to my Kindle last night.

As far as support goes I have my parents who listen and want for me what ever I choose. I don't really consider them very "supportive" because I try to keep them at a distance...not like how I would share with a good friend.

My two closest friends....one is single can't relate, can't take the pressure of it all. The other has her own H in MLC and is in denial.

My S23 comes to me every couple of days asking if I'm ok...what's the latest. I don't burden them though...the biggest support I get from them is company, laughter, even there teasing is a welcome change from being in my head.

I was very depressed to the point of starving ( i lost 9lb in 2wks) dizziness, walking around like a zombie constantly going over things in my head...which caused anxiety.

I've come out of the worst of it around July after finding this forum. My D18 took me shopping to replace all of my "mom" shorts, my H's oversized t's, and I discovered I like tank tops.

I spoke to a counselor 3 wks ago and he really clarified for me that I need to leave H alone. So I listened and found that it helped me so much not to be on his tail 24/7. I need constant counseling though (i'm sure) so I will work on that.

You said you still face- what to do with yourself - I thinks that's great that you have the mind frame developed to be alone at times. It must be hard with a young one around.

I am going to look into the fall activities coming up in our village...that is my favorite time of year.

A part time job is first on my goal list. Something fun where I can meet people, be friendly, have a reason to dress nice...money is not the goal here. Some responsibility that I put on myself for myself would be the growing experience I think would help me detach from all my titles...and come back happier at the end of the day.

This is will be my first goal...and others should trail in behind with a little luck and focus.

You have made me think about myself all day today...I was 180 from H...and he noticed. On my thread there is also a message of "just do it" GAL, you vets come straight forward from experience....sharing this as many of your are still working on "you"...is your greatest gift you bring here. Thank you!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Sweet dawn - i'm going to call you that from now on smile

because all your dawns are going to start being sweeter one by one:)

already in your post tonight, i hear sooo much more positivity - and i'm so delighted for you.

I think that you have a really good pic in your mind of where your life is right now, and the little things that are good in it - like laughing and teasing with your kids. you are also aware what doesn't feel good, and in case you haven't realized this, i will say it here:

The first step to change is the awareness of where you are at.

so you are very aware - and so already on your way towards changing the things you would like to - about yourself and about your life, don't you think?


A part time job is first on my goal list..
This is will be my first goal...and others should trail in behind with a little luck and focus.


I really like that you were so specific here about your first goal.

so now we have started - yippee!!

so you've stated your goal. now i'd like you to break that down and add to it:

1. rewrite the goal so that it is in an "I will..." form
2. what actions can you take towards meeting your goal?
3. how will you feel while you are taking those actions. write that in a "I will be doing...." or I will feel..."

do you think that you can get a part-time job pretty easily, with difficulty - give me your reasons for what you feel your chances are.

meanwhile, i would like you to also think about 2 other very very small goals that are easily doable in the next week or so

my suggestion would be something like "I will go for a 30 min walk every morning/evening on my own"

Actually, I would LOVE to see you just casually put on your sneakers and wave bye to everyone cheerfully as you walk out the door -see you later, i'm off.

i suggest the walk, because it's not big commitment, it's only for your very own self (and if someone says they want to come, say no thanks this is my alone time), it's a great way to relax out of the sitch for a short while and get a break and you get some exercise.

you mentioned that you feel a bit silly watching all the others go out to gal. it's about time they watched you! it's the awareness again.

which book did you get?

when you wrote 'holding the fort down" i instantly thought - dawn has to read Dance of ANger - it's all about learning how not to do that, how to drop the rope on that - and in a very gentle way.

another small goal - something goofy, ok - you need a little pleasure in your life right now - "I will have my nails done once every two weeks" or something self indulgent like that.

could you and your mom or other female relative/friend go off to a spa or something like that - something really different? you mentioned clothes - how about your hair.

you discovered you love tank-tops - what else could you discover you like? your D18 sounds wonderful and very supportive by the way. don't be shy about asking her to help you more - D18's love doing that kind of stuff - i know i do when my mom asks me:) (you and her go to a spa!!)

so that second goal - i want it to be something that is geared towards you feeling really good about your body - because that leads to higher self-esteem, and confidence and once you get that moving - it just keeps getting better and better

so i'm excited for you sweet dawn - all the new discoveries and things that are going to happen for you - it's going to make life just a little simpler and easier:)

btw - i like what your C said. Are you seeing him regularly? I hope so. I suggest you don't view yourself as one who needs 'constant counseling". the view we take of ourselves defines us.

how about looking at it as - "I'm going through a tough spot and could use some support and help in finding my way through it. "

in case you haven't noticed, grin I am going to point out self-negativity every time i see it and we will work on getting your self-image to be very positive, so that you can feel great about yourself and your life, no matter what is going on

(((((( ))))))
zig

ps. from now on i don't want you to look for a reason to dress nice. i want you to dress nice everyday all day - it does wonders for our self-esteem. in high school my best friend would dress up for exams - she said it made her feel so confident that she did better than when she didn't and went in wearing sweatpants. there's a big 180 for you that's very easy:)


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi zig smile

I wanted to share with you what I posted today on my thread:

I did it! I bought myself a car - alone (w/D18) my in my name only!
Just took a ride through the backwoods of the neighboring suburbs with the sunroof open...I think I might like this GAL thing.
My long road just got a little better....nothing like feeling free to be free.
Tom. I WILL start looking for a pt job...now I really needs some friends.

I'll tell you, it took me so long to pull the trigger and just sing on the dotted line that the sales man was dropping the price, adding accessories, even giving D18 snacks, until he said "what will it take".

I looked at my D18 as she said "yolo" I'm like what the heck is that. She so beautiful she leans in and says, you only live once.

If you notice I rewrote my first goal as I will...

and, on that note I will get come back with more insight. my S23 has a flat at work.

this sight deserve so much thanks!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Dear Sweet Dawn,

I just got back from gal'ing, thinking life couldn't be sweeter - and then I come to check in on you and read your post - and you just made it even sweeter:)

Definitely the highlight of my day - and lots of good things happened so that's saying a lot.

I am SOOOO proud of you. and that D18 of yours - she is one helluva girl. I love the way she encourages you. and that little message she gave you - YOLO - thanks so much for sharing that with us - we all need to live by that

Like mother, like daughter?

You must have had some say in how she is, so I'm thinking it's all there hidden inside and we just have to pry it out (gently) smile

Except that if you're going to reach your goals this fast grin, we are going to be very busy , having to make new ones to keep up!!

You deserve to thank YOURSELF - first.

You're the one that's doing the work, so don't forget to appreciate yourself alot for what you are managing to do. Maybe that could be on your goals list?

I'm imagining you sleeping with a little smile on your face all night, that turns into a beam when you wake up tomorrow and the first thing you think about is your car grin

a big hug, and congratulations on taking a big step

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi zig wink

You sound like you were having a great time last night, good for you!

Yea, my D is an awesome young lady, I always say I couldn't have asked for as much as she has given me. We are like mother, like D, we say were Gilmore Girls close, she dedicated the opening theme song to me.

I don't think all goals will come that fast....the "I will get a pt job" is going to be a challenge, not for lack of looking, but jobs stink in Il. right now. I have an active Real Estate Licence I keep in "holding" just because nothing is moving.

Oh, by the way, the book I got was Codependent No More! I have not started it yet, but I can see that it is going to be an important read.

I finally let my H in on the fact that I did indeed by the car, he was genuinely happy to see that I am going after something for myself. He has been different lately like entering a new phase...a nicer one...it helps me Gal in peace...I welcome the calm.

I think I should say that I do work now at home. I run my H freelance business as far as booking gigs, invoices, negotiations, as well as all the bookkeeping.

Going out...meeting new people...getting up in the morning for something that's mine is the real goal. I am going to think of where I would want to work, where would I feel like I can expose myself to people with alike interests.

I would like to say a goal would be the gym...but, I will stick with walking the dog, especially on these nicer nights, there are so many people out to say hi to and really get to know my hood.

This is so sad to say, today is only the 4th time in 14yrs I'v walked over to my friends house ( with the dog), called her out onto the porch to say "hey". Mind you she lives 2 blocks away....she is God mother to my 1st born, and vise versa, we've known each other for 27yrs, and I followed her to this village from the city, where we both bought our first homes.

That really puts into perspective how my life has been way to consumed with H. She suffers from the same stay-home-mom syndrome also, as well as the ''H needs me'' sickness, so we just feed off of each other.

So one day at a time...one small step each day...and I think I can be better equipped for whatever may come my way! grin


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
zig...today my S21 is challenging me. Really giving me some crap about getting it together, do for me , the kids and really put this family on the ''family track again".

He wants me to implement family dinners again without worrying about H showing up to the table (or sitting in our room feeling sorry for himself)

I (with my new voice i'm trying out) said, honey your 21yrs old, what your saying is wonderful...guys at your age wouldn't really care. But, that said, your help...going shopping, pitching in for groceries, giving dinner idea's would really make it a ''family affair".

He agreed, yea, I spoke up! Tonight were having family dinner ala Jonathan. I get to be a dinner quest, (hope D loads the dishwasher, ha).

I like this...really letting people in on what I want...expect and getting it. "Pollyanna" may be getting a new name!

Well back to my resume tweaking...I have a goal to accomplish and many more to create.

Have a wonderful day!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
(quote)
1. rewrite the goal so that it is in an "I will..." form
2. what actions can you take towards meeting your goal?
3. how will you feel while you are taking those actions. write that in a "I will be doing...." or I will feel..."

do you think that you can get a part-time job pretty easily, with difficulty - give me your reasons for what you feel your chances are.

meanwhile, i would like you to also think about 2 other very very small goals that are easily doable in the next week or so

my suggestion would be something like "I will go for a 30 min walk every morning/evening on my own"

Actually, I would LOVE to see you just casually put on your sneakers and wave bye to everyone cheerfully as you walk out the door -see you later, i'm off. (unquote)


Going for a walk fo 30 min has been my one constant. the dog and I have a standing date each night, or early morning. I like walking alot....even 30 min does wonders on a bad attitude.

So I will.... continue to walk everyday alternating sometimes with a bike ride.
I will look for a part-time job that will suit me and what I need to get out of it at this point.
I would like to fill my free time with learning more carpentry on my home, making it more colorful, and putting together another pantry from Ikea.

I love the idea of just dressing up everyday. I have started to do that...along with my new love for pedicures. My H old t's have all gone in the donation bag...along with all the overgrown hoodies (except that one comfy one I just can't part with). Fall is a great time for new jeans ( that fit ) a new cool jacket, and those awesome boots they have out there.

I am a lot better at doing me with a lot of work ahead. Today H said he feels tethered, but I was out babying my car all day so "I know" he wasn't talking about me! wink


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Hi Dawn

sorry i haven't replied for a couple of days - been going through some 'stuff"!!

You are sounding better and better each time you post - and that is lovely to read grin

and your goals are getting more specific too, which is great.

have you had any time to read the posts on the Goals thread over on newcomers. there are some guidelines for how to write the goals really specifically in the three parts , and I think that you are now ready to take the first set of goals you have formulated and put them in that format.

for the part time job - in the actions part - i'd like to see you write down specifically what actions you will take to get the job - for e.g.. i will fill out x or y apple form by so and so date, or i will spend x hrs looking at job listings etc.

so let's get you doing that for each.

I've just started to listen to MWD's KLA tapes, and she realy stresses making the goals so specific that they are down to the nitty gritty exact exact format you can get them to.

so my job here is to really nudge (or shove, whichever way one wants to look at it grin) every person setting their goals to get really really specific.

btw - if h feels tethered it's his own noose he's feeling. and i love what you wrote in response. that's the attitude girl. drop the rope on him and go do your own thing

I also love how you handled the whole dinner thing with your s. how did the dinner go? great, I hope.

i have a feeling that was a 180 for you - great great great!!!

you either finished reading dance of anger, or this is starting to come naturally for you - stopping fixing for others and taking care of yourself

glad you threw the old rags out. you are so steppin' out now, you won't recognize yourself soon grin

(((( ))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi zig-

honestly I haven't done any job searching today because my D fainted, hit her head on the floor, scaring me half to death. So I spent the day making french toast, and staring at her.

Your right I do sound better as I reread what I've written lately, but I am so scared it will be short lived. Right now the weather is right, H is home due to slow work...but his depression is coming on stronger everyday.

I want to implement your goal idea's....nudge or shove...I can take it. I don't want to be around H all day...plus I think my working will do him some good as well.

I spent the weekend doing nothing...which was very disappointing and I can see how easily I can get sucked into "his" world. I need more goals geared toward fun, active, people friendly, places to be...things to do.

why is this so hard for me? I can't come up with things I like to do? I think I fear commitment because for so long I didn't want to make plans "just in case my H was off so we can be together".

Free time feels kinda like torcher sometimes ( wow, that sounds so dumb) so I will take the next few days, work on me...now that D is better...and I really need to read Codependent No More.

Hey, that's a start, I will...start my new book, and call the local Real Estate office about an opening I read on line. I would love that job....it's close, in my field but not in sales, it's assisting others, even better....steady pay check!

I do hope things are better with you. Everyday is a challenge but at least it lets us know where still in the game smile


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Dear Sweet Dawn - yes it is a challenge at every moment - and sometimes we are up and we can do those things, and sometimes we slide a bit and it just seems we can't.

and that's okay.

the point is to keep persevering.

when i look back over the last weeks i can see the same pattern within myself - that some days it was almost easy to do those things and other days i was paralyzed. what i started doing was encouraging myself, by looking back at the first few months and remembering being totally paralysed with NO moments where i could pursue my goals. and i told myself - see how far you've come along - now you have some , and often many where as before you had none of those sorts of days.

that feeling of waiting for the other person - we have all done it and it's okay - in the first months i didn't want to commit to anything - just in case h came home. then i slowly started to see that it was a very unhealthy way for me to be.

and it was scary those first times when i committed to something else - what if i was gone and he came back.

well - now i see that it was a fruitless way to exist. i had to build enough confidence to get out of that and realize that if i'm gone and he comes "back" he'll find me.

go live your life sweet girl - and at the same time, when you have those paralysing days - just say to yourself - yes this is one of those but it's not every day like this. and slowly over time - there will be less of those and more of the other better kind

so talk yourself to a better more eager place just like you did at the end of your post and go read that book and go find out about the job,and come tell me about it smile

((((( )))))

you are doing great - even if you don't feel it all the time

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi zig, your name reminds me of Ziggy...and my gorgeous 17ry old high school football player boyfriend, who lavished me with Ziggy cards, gifts, and bear hugs. I actually still have one in a scrap book! whistle

Yesterday, I called received a call from the Realty office I sent my resume to, and had a verbal interview by the end of the day.

The pay is not impressive, the hours are 20hrs min per wk, and I can't wait to hear from them about an interview.

It is assisting in my field...the best pay will come from relearning all of the new real estate changes.

The best experience will be GAL. I will at least make enough to pay my "own" car, with some left over each month to save for that new porch "I" want to build.

I will continue to peruse the job sites today....choice would be even better!

I am getting better about calling on some friends lately...I just need more friends. Still looking for that class or club to join around town.

Wish me luck....enjoy the day!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
today...the day I'm expecting to hear about a job interview....of cause I have a cold. I still hope they call, I will Advil my way over there if I have to.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Hi Dawn - what wonderful news. I am so so pleased for you - you keep putting a smile on my face and that feels lovely.

I hope there's a smile on yours too, and something is telling me that there is - not just on your face, but in your heart too.

I think that when we are here in the midst of our sitches, at least for me - I've discovered that it's okay to take the "lesser" of what we would like for a bit.

the important thing here is to keep moving forward and trust that it will all pan out the way we would like it to, and if to start with we have a job that's not quite what we envisioned, it is something to be really grateful for because it's a step in the direction that we want to take.

it's also about learning to accept and appreciate FULLY whatever it is we have right now, even if it's not what we completely want. it's an opportunity to practice it in other parts of our life, to make us stronger for the really challenging part, which is our relationships with our spouses.


and i see that you are already acknowledging the hidden benefits by what you wrote:

the best pay will come from relearning all of the new real estate changes.



and now when you are aware of this, you can later apply it to the situation with your h - what are the hidden benefits of things as they currently are?

a hint - what is it propelling you to do?

so there is good and bad in every thing that may initially on the surface look bad.

as for waking up with your cold - sorry about that - i hope you are feeling better soon.

you can take that as an opportunity also - that even if you are under the weather, you can still trust yourself to perform as well as you would if you were well.

that even if things aren't perfect, you can still do things well and live well...

I look forward to hearing when your interview is - and if it's today - good, good luck.

Things are moving forward well for you.

Let's work some more on your goals list ok - if you have time over the weekend - we need to start monitoring it more specifically and you could maybe start to think about a couple of new goals you could add

((((( )))))))
zig

ps - hmmm...I like the sound of that gorgeous high school bf... wink


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi dawnmarie - just thought i'd check in and see how you are doing?

hope you're well and busy GAL'ing grin

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi zig - i did go GAL today...not so much over the weekend...to sick! I did do alot of dbing on my thread - got a lot of feedback- some stuff to think about. I've been told I come off angry so I'm looking into that...cause that won't help anything.

Tom. afternoon is my job interview with real estate office. I really want this one so "I'ma knock her socks off"!

I tried looking into some C groups around my house...no luck so far. I used to quilt at the library a few yrs ago, I will check what else they may have coming up soon.

I feel younger somehow! At the mall I always gravitated to the kitchen section....today I found myself searching for more girly, personal items...good smelling stuff, and creams. I (at least for myself) consider this part of GAL because it is very out of my "Tom Boy" character...and makes me feel, then act feminine.

To me, to feel feminine, is to feel strong! Believe me this is step for me.

Anyway, I have so much to more to do in life without much direction, so everyday is a learn to GAL day. Why are those goals so hard...it's like your asking me to carve it in stone...and live by it or die! sick

Not that bad but...! Someone said on my thread they don't see anger...they see through to the sadness. So I guess I have a lot on my plate.

Oh, I am going to a free workshop Thur. called Live Out Loud...it's about creating success around you, in your life and business. I met her once before w/Tony Robbins...it will be interesting...I already have some of her books.

I'm reading Depression Fallout...it was a recommendation by GWN.

So that's what I have so far...I know I'm not very productive but then again that's why I'm here. wink


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
HI sweet Dawn - how did your interview go? I hope you felt really good about it? Are you feeling better? i hope so

Why are those goals so hard...it's like your asking me to carve it in stone...and live by it or die

alright girl - that's quite the statement ^^^ want to explore that a little further?

why don't you write for me what is hard about each of the goals - i think i know where tat's coming from because i have the same thing going on.

what's hard about it is that each time we focus on something else, it takes us a teeny tiny bit further away from our spouses - an dthat is very very scary.

we are so tied in to saving the relationship that letting go feels like do or die. when we cling in some way to the r, we feel safer, and so that feeling you are expressing is the fear of the unknown

so maybe we should back up a bit and work on trust.

The more we TRUST that things will turn out okay, the more we trust ourselves and our growth, the easier it is to focus away from our ditches.

so how about you spend some time thinking about how you can trust, what it means to trust and how you can see yourself working towards that trust?

what will you be doing when you are trusting more? trusting that life will give you what you need when you need it?

what will life look like to you when you let go and just be okay with either outcome - how will you be? will you be calm and serene, will you appreciate all the good and bad in your life, will you have forgiven everyone and everything?

I want you to spend the next couple of days imagining what it you will do and waht you will feel like when those things happen.

and write down how you imagine yourself to be - just in general , or as specific as you can get.

and then from what you wrote - we'll formulate some goals for you.

do you see where i'm trying to go with this?

i'll try to check in everyday to see where you are at


right now - from where i'm reading it looks to me as if you are doing great - really well - you may not feel it, but you have made a lot of progress since we started, so keep encouraging yourself.

sometimes it's hard for us to see that we can't do it all overnight - and we jsut get there, one step at a time

you are taking steps one by one, very steadily - and that's more important than taking all the steps all at once

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Not good today zig...huge set back. H took control of my happiness for my potential job saying "I deserve it" he will be very angry if I don't get it...cause they would be crazy.

Tomorrow is my seminar at the hotel...H is not invited!

I am going to look harder for that help group around here....I feel like I'm drowning...need to GAL w/friends asap.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi Dawnmarie -

I'm a bit concerned at how you worded what your h said and how you felt about it.

"H took control of my happiness for my potential job "

Is it necessary right now for you to tell him exactly what you are doing?

You're still in a fragile place where you're just starting to stand on your feet - and he can sense that - he can sense both things - that you are fragile and that you are starting to move forward.

he can grab at both of those things in crazy subtle ways to keep you where you are - because that's the most comfortable and familiar fro him right now.

and this reaction that HE"S gonna have - depending on your outcome with the job - he's holding that over you - and THAT is the rollercoaster effect.

and you feeling that he's taking control of your happiness in this way - that's you staying on the rollercoaster and being co-dependent.

now don't panic because i said that. it's just where we are in the process as we begin to attempt the detachment process. when we truly start - that's when we find out how entangled we really are, and how it will just happen slowly.

so take a deep breadth - go read our first posts on where you talked abou twhat goals you were going to set and how they will make you feel.

it's not smooth sailing - there are setbacks and sometimes those are external.


see this as a good opportunity for you to find a way to step off his train - even a little bit. what could you do right now, so you don't get pulled into his drama?

-not tell him what's going on with you?
-not tell him the result of your interview? (e.g.. when he asks:' h you indicated clearly that you are going to have a big reaction about whether i get the job or not. so i have decided that i don't wish to discuss this with you any further, because i do not care for your feedback on this issue.'


in other words - set a boundary with your h - find out for yourself what the boundary could be and then set it. this is him crawling all over you, and this is you making sure there's a safety zone around yourself that he MAY NOT penetrate - until you feel stronger

i'm not going to be around today -maybe later at night, so if you need help figuring what the boundary is and how you could set it - post about it on your thread - and i'm sure MrBond and many others could help you set it

some of the stuff you've written on your thread - smacks to me of co-d stuff on both your parts. feels to me as if your h is using that co-d in a huge way to keep you pulled in and we have to hep you disentangle.

are you seeing a therapist - if you are - you need to increase the number of apptmts right now - see if you can get in today - just so that you can talk to someone, even if it's a priest or counselor. talk about how to set boundaries

sometimes when one person starts distancing themselves, as you are DEFINITELY doing here - the other one starts pursuing in crazy making ways - and it's a lot to handle - as it's very subtle and that's what makes it crazy

so see what's going on as his attempt to keep you in your old place and just keep moving forward

take care of yourself right now - let him rant or rave.

in fact i'm ready to suggest that the next time he starts spewing or talking as if from mars - look at him calmly and say - oh remember you told me that this is the stuff you can talk about only with ow? i do believe that it's time for you to call her - as i don't deal with you on this level so there's no point in talking to me about it - i won't be able to help you

but you may want to run that by MrBond grin.

sometimes i think we protect their relationship with OP way too much...

it's time to protect yourself a lot more now than you have been doing

take care dawn

and big hugs
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
zig - these have bad days. Tonight I put my H in his place (didn't mean to, it just came out) nothing hurtful, not even mean , just hard honest truth, it humble him.

The best part is what I'm learning about myself from what I said, it was very spontaneous making me go, huh, "what did I just say about myself"?

So I am going to take some time this weekend to reflect , your right, it's time to stop telling him everything...he's not my bff any more.

I will be here with some boundary idea's and ways to start protecting myself so I can move ahead.

thanks


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Good morning - zig

Quote:
see this as a good opportunity for you to find a way to step off his train - even a little bit. what could you do right now, so you don't get pulled into his drama?


Get off his a$$. I have been umbilical tied to him for 23yrs. He was (is) like a really good ethnic mother, you know like one of those you see on tv and the kid is like "ok ma, I got it" as she's still putting more food on your plate? The running joke was always...he should have stayed home, while I was the strong one out there.

I needed a mother....he really is mothering...less today, but still more than the average guy.

Quote:
where we are in the process as we begin to attempt the detachment process. when we truly start - that's when we find out how entangled we really are, and how it will just happen slowly.


This is my crutch! It happend fast for me...we were talking last night about he insisted I trust him (24yrs ago) and I gave my all to him, (the first person ever). He was so sad that he broke that, apologized!

What can I do for me about this ( h also said he needs me to be strong without him) this will be my daily struggle. Everyday I have to remember not to jump his bones, call him honey, make plans, so I come to this site as sort of my Daily Bread.

-not tell him what's going on with you?

Yes, this is an easier on to start with. I will not volunteer information any more, and I did use that line on him when he asked about my interview. I told him I won't have him get upset at something that I'm handeling.

set a boundary with your h - find out for yourself what the boundary could be and then set it. this is him crawling all over you, and this is you making sure there's a safety zone around yourself that he MAY NOT penetrate - until you feel stronger


Again, another hard one. I just want him to swoop in and put more food on my plate, wink Boundaries are hard, also in the same house, same bed, even same bathroom, but those are physical boundaries that aren't really the problem.

I need to know more about boundaries how to answer, talk in a way that I'm not seeming to pull him in, or being aloud to be pulled in. I acted "as if" for several months, honestly if felt great...but H revealed that he was so surprised at my silence...but just kept on going forward with his flipped brain. I feel like it gave him his space...I don't know it makes me angry to see the rope he takes, that I give, and uses it to gal.

I wrote about this on my thread....Cadet gave helpful words.

I need to take a break...thanks zig....


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Ok, I'm back. that last paragraph to something out of me that i needed to walk away from.

H is curled up in a ball...it's hard not to feel the contagiousness of that, but I'm doing ok.

"smacks to me of co-d stuff on both your parts. feels to me as if your h is using that co-d in a huge way to keep you pulled in and we have to hep you disentangle."

I never thought of H as co-d...do you really think so. I need to look into this some more...maybe get on that book.

I have made an appointment to get a referral for a therapist, big step for me...but really necessary as I do feel the sadness covered over me like a wool blanket.

Now that I think about it my H does judge himself based on what I do or don't do. Example: if I work, bring in money...he's a looser for not doing it all. If I do the dishes...he's lazy cause he should have done it...why am I doing it. OMG! I never saw this...I just thought he was overly generous.

I need to work on myself so much...i really can't do it alone though....I will get on that counseling asap.

I want to start on goals, but I seem to be all over the place. Each day I have to make the effort for that day. Is that, ok....baby steps....be gentle with myself "timbits" says, I like that.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
zig - hi, I didn't get the job from the interview. I am going to keep push on...not let that get me down.

I feel a bit more positive after Sat night at work with H... I was a social butterfly talking to everyone and hitting it off with his boss. We spoke forever, he held my hand , in the end hugged me, telling H I was soo sweet, and how lucky he was.

It left me with a little confidence that I can still meld myself into the adult world as a peer. I have to say it felt good being out late night around some really handsome men...dressed up.

I am looking into possibly getting into a different line of work since real estate is not for me at this time. I won $11 in a raffel and my first thought was if this was $111,111 is would be out of here, huh! That's were my mind went.

I know I feel the fight or flight dilemma....but didn't realize how much I would welcome the flight. Getting financially on my own two feet would really help me detach.

No matter what the outcome of our r it is necessary for me to become more independent and an equal contributor to our lives.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Hi sweet dawn -

i'm sorry i've been away on a trip and also needed a break from the boards.

I did go over and read a bit on your thread, and also your posts here tonight.

Dawn - i am going to be straight with you here. There's a strong pattern in your posts and the main impression is that you are really stuck where you are - in terms of yourself an din terms of your relationship to your h.

It's time to get unstuck - and it's a decision you have to make and commit to - by yourself - without paying ANY mind whatsoever to how your h or your relationship with him may be affected.

What we need to do it get you to emotionally move in a positive direction - and that is going to take some determination on your part to get there.

The smallest tiniest shift, will make a huge difference.

From what I understand your h is repeatedly telling you that he is quite quite comfortable where he is.

And he is comfortable there, because YOU are there with him. Can you see that?

I think what I am trying to say is that you need to not be there - and you need to figure out what you have to do so you are not there in the way you have been all this time.

In order for you to figure that out - you first have to figure out and see clearly how you are there for him - how you feed his comfortable-ness - and once you've figured that out - stop doing it.

My first suggestion would be to absolutely stop having those conversations with him that you describe - where he tells you how he's going to stay that way. Allow him to face it on his own. I have a feeling that you are somehow validating it for him .

this is the equivalent of a severe alcoholic who absolutely refuses to change or make their life better. what does the other person do? enable it or let it go.

you need to start letting go of where he is. and that means looking at and inspecting yourself and where you fit in to the equation - and changing that equation.

have you finished Co-Dep no more?

did you get the Dance of Anger yet? this one will really help you to learn to recognize the patterns - they are so hard to see at first , but then when you start to see them, it's like a waterfall - non-stop the patterns emerge and then you can change them

so Dawn - let's get you to focus really hard on other things than your sitch right now with your h - let's get you a small set of goals that are very specific, to do with patterns - within yourself first.

i'd love it if you wrote down some of the patterns that you see yourself doing - for example - how do you react when you are disappointed about something? how do you react when your h sleeps for 2 days and you have to eat dinner on your own?

really specific answers - and from what you write, we'll figure out what we can do to change those within you to more positive reactions that help you keep moving forward

will that work for you?

i'm looking forward to doing this with you - i think if we can get really specific - you can make some positive movement within yourself

when is your apptmt with the therapist?

also - i'm sorry you didn't get the job - but Dawn, the more you focus on that as a means to an end (you wrote that getting the job will give youa stability that makes you feel independent) - the more elusive it will become.

you can feel emotionally independent also - and that will benefit you greatly right now - and i think it's a necessary step before you can truly step out into the world. so let's find that emotional independence for you, eh

have you read the analogy of the castle and the picnic?

you are smack in the middle of the castle right now - and i want you to start walking to that big huge heavy door, use all your strength to open it, walk through, pull it closed behind you and walk across the moat.

walk as far as you can, spread out the blanket, and sit down, with your back to the castle and everything in it. and there you can take a deep breathe and rest a bit. we'll all come join you - but you have to come out there okay?

big hug and lots of positive energy your way

also - every time you catch yourself thinking "i can't do this" stop and ask yourself why - there's usually not a good enough reason not to try something different or new smile

(((((( ))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
"i am going to be straight with you here. There's a strong pattern in your posts and the main impression is that you are really stuck where you are - in terms of yourself and in terms of your relationship to your h."

thanks zig, for being straight with me....i wrote to GWN saying just that...i need it straight. I'm not his child or sister or his mother...though over the years it seems those are the roles H has put me in at times. With my blessing!

I took a few days off from here just to be me, without H since he was gone two nights.

Went to the movies with D and fell in love with being in love again, just watching the big screen actors play it out made my heart ache.

I don't want to be stuck anymore...it's going to be my third fall going into this lonely path of winter, holidays, b-days...and I have S.A.D. so that really doesn't help. (Seasonal affective disorder)

by yourself - without paying ANY mind whatsoever to how your h or your relationship with him may be affected.

that's my problem...i base everything on how it will affect him...I don't like to make him think that I'm just fine without him. I thought it would make him detach from me even more...he always tells me I'm good. i want to rip his face off when he say's that.

he is comfortable here...I am a creature of comfort...and he sux it all up like my own personal vampire...sucking the life out of me as well. After 23yrs of providing that "homey" feeling he missed as a child, and I obviously needed to give, i have to learn how to wrap myself up in my own blanket and be content.

Don't be here? At least for "him" I can work on that everyday...as i learn to detach. Today I almost ran out of bed to make him breakfast when he commented that he thought there would be dinner leftovers. I bee lined it for the bathroom.

I have a feeling that you are somehow validating it for him .

that was really hard to read...i don't know how or what to say or do in order to stop. I don't condone his ignorance...ow/ea, anger, and blatant disregard for my needs as a wife. I didn't know I am validating him...can you elaborate on that some more please?

I am reading Co-d still....I really like think it helping me put some things together. I loved the castle-picnic...I passed it on so when I put out my blanket finally some friends can join me smile

Bitting m tongue here...no more conversations letting him spew his verbal abuse my way. I'm letting him make his declarations that make no sense anyway, are have half truths, and are hurtful.

zig, I want nothing more that to feel emotionally independent...it sounds so freeing, lite and airy. No more heavy emotional handcuffs.

I'm so scared to get out of his equation...though I know better. I know that it is best for me...I don't want to be there, really...he's not fun! It losing the feeling of what's familiar, what's easy, like a broken in pair of jeans, we love them the most.

Well not that I have expressed my feelings...I am ready to work on changing my thoughts...moving forward...cause I'm not alone. I have 4 grown kids here in this house with me who are fun, loving, weird, and everything else that comes with a great personality.

I have both my parents who say all the right things about my m and what they think, and keep just the right distance.

Someone asked me how am i (close friend) and I said "I'm a wife without a husband" shocking myself I realized I am (right now) singular. Just me... without him.

Yea, it's little steps like that everyday, throughout the day that I need to remember so I don't slid back, cry, try to cuddle, say ILY, you know all those "normal things" that a LBS still misses.

thanks zig your post was a great read!!! grin


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Hi sweet dawn - i see progress in what you worte - and that's wonderful.

you bee-lined it straight for the bathroom - you took care of yourself - that's exactly what you should be doing - it's really that simple

do the unexpected - get out of your comfort zone, even a little - and that's where movement happens.

if it feels a bit uncomfortable - you can grin to yourself and say - YES!!! I should do this right now.

I'm not saying be outrageous or rude or obnoxious - just little things like don't jump up to meet his needs - let him meet them himself.

So even if you don't realize it, I am noticing that you are already on the right track.

Becoming emotionally dependent is a process. and i can only tell you what i went through and am still going through and what helped me the most.

Acceptance of where I was at each stage. real deep acknowledgment to myself, that yes this is how i am still clinging when i could see it clearly - and not getting down on myself for being that way.

that's the first step - and just accepting it fully and acknowledging it somehow frees you up to let it go just a teeny bit and then you go through the whole process again.

i saw that after my last post to you, your posts seemed to convey that you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself to get emotionally independent as soon as possible. I just want to add that feeling like that will only work against you and add pressure.

instead - be gentle in acknowledging that this is where you are, but adding that "I can get to a better place"

so let's start there, okay? and keep watching what you do and how you react both with your h and on your own - just noticing it - almost like an observer looking in and try to pick up the nuances of what is going on. you'll be surprised at how quickly you will start to see the patterns

you recognized a couple already - how you almost leaped up to get him breakfast and also what you said about cuddling and ILY's etc. try to see what you could do different there - not from h's POV but from yours so it's good for you.

I was talking to my mom tonight and i said - it's taken me a year to disentangle my roots from h's roots, and for the first time i feel my tree can stand on it's own.

it takes time to separate out 2 people who have been together for a long time. if you try to hack at the roots, you will only hurt yourself. but this is more about gently prying them apart, over time in a safe way.

also wanted to say that much of what you're feeling now- i recognize very clearly - the fear of the unknown is so overpowering and is our biggest challenge. it takes a lot of time and work to rid ourselves of that fear.

actually pretty much all the difficulty we face in our sitches stems from fear - and we have to untangle those fears and face them and recognize that they are based on old beliefs that we cling to.

so learn to recognize the fear behind your own reactions and then you can say to yourself - this is the fear that is making me feel like this - what am i really afraid of? and work down and backwards through that till you find the original fear - once you find it, suddenly your present emotions seem not so overpowering.

i'd really like it if you read through that last post of mine again - there were some questions i asked and i think it would be good for you to sit down and write out some things about what i asked. i think as you write - you will see patterns yourself - they will just jump out. that's the good thing about being specific, it makes you see things you don't always see when you are general

so let's start there - and hey tomorrow morning when you guys wake up - ask h very nicely - would you please put the coffee on, or make breakfast for us? (or something that's totally opposite of what normally happens or that you always do) - sort of just expect him to do it instead. if he objects act surprised and say - oh but i love your breakfast and i've missed you making it for me - the point being - add a compliment about how he does things well.

what comes to mind for me - and i don't know if i'm totally right about this - is to sort of turn the tables on him for a bit. why not spend the day in bed and not come to the table for dinner with the family?

a word of warning - he could possibly react strongly - and that is just him protesting the change, because it causes him discomfort.

but be warned - unless you are truly ready to sustain the change, don't do it. because if you do it, he reacts and then you stop, you give him a lot of power. this last suggestion is something that you can work towards - just in your thoughts for now - as you study the interactions between the two of you, you could start to see where you could make the changes.


so you've got a lot of homework dawn, and i think you are ready for it smile

you are doing great - and i love that you spread your blanket. i'm joining you tonight and bringing my favorite Turtle - he's called Courage and you can keep him by you for as long as you need smile

You've had one kind of courage until now - but you are stepping in to another kind altogether!!

take care of yourself every moment sweet Dawn, and come tell me how you are doing when you get a chance

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Hi sweet Dawn - just checking in to see where youa re at and ifyou are feeling any better?

Hope you are doing well and have a great weekend planned

(((((((( ))))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi ZIg- Ok, I have stopped having those conversations about him, his feelings, what's wrong. He said to me last night that he’s going to work until he collapses, (depression) I said “well at least you have a goal” he laughed (hopefully one day seeing his own silliness) and we left it at that.

This weekend H was going through some hard times at work and I stood to the side. He did wake me to get comfort and warmth (fall nights) I acknowledged him, not real attentive, but validating.

My mom and dad came over Fri. they told me to make sure to be kind, make sure the kids are kind to H, because he at least needs that even if he’s a big dope. We had a great family time eating and hanging out, they both don’t want me to walk away from him, but think my life would be so improved if I did.

I liked having him gone… I didn’t miss him. I am learning to be without him and finding the benefits of that. The weekend without H made me see how happily I was floating around the house, how I’m missing nothing from his absence, but anxiety and hurt. (that's thinking of this H, not the past H that's gone)

I went to another job interview this morning…for me to be a better me…not as an escape. It looks good…I will let you know.

One of my biggest patterns is jumping to his every whim even as he himself is saying there’s no need. I caught myself the last few times…I’m not as accommodating unless he specifically asks, like for a coffee to go, as he’s off to work. He’s never been very intrusive anyway…I was more insistent. He is comfortable with the thought, that I am here…he said before, he knows what he has…and will always have. Hence, the feeling that he can be anyway, and I’ll love him through it.

NO MORE…I don’t love him through it, I feel like I’m coming out the other end of a tunnel that has multiple exists. This exit is the “I don’t think I’m in love with you any more” exit, with several other directional tunnels to continue through from there. Wow, would he would have to do to pull me back is beyond my faith ...of his capabilities.

Ok, this is a crazy sidebar, but I want to share this. D and I went to a neighborhood festival where there was a psychic/card reader. I paid her no mind as she sought me out of a crowd. She said I was emitting so much anger and disappointment that she needs to talk to me. Ok, it’s a festive after all…. her words almost knocked my D off her chair. She held my hands and told me everything that is going on (as you and I know it) with my M, H, R, and kept going. She named my D name, said me son’s name, my grandmother’s name, and proceeded to tell me to GAL. “You didn’t nothing wrong…you didn’t break this R, you can’t fix it”. (sounds familiar-Cadet’s words).

Now that’s all in fun of course, but she pulled me in and said there is no explanation for how my h is acting…do nothing, let it take it’s course…take care of myself, and don’t worry about taking care of him so much.

Ok, when a stranger off the street can read that off of me, I figure I either look like hell these days, or she’s just that intuitive.

I’m going to leave you with this at this point and come back with some,” really specific answers - and from what you write, we'll figure out what we can do to change those within you to more positive reactions that help you keep moving forward”.

Have a great day... laugh


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
good for you Dawn - and it it took a psychic - i'm all for it.

I'm really open to that sort of thing - just to let you know.

things like that happen for a reason, i really believe - and if you don't GO with what the universe is handing you on a plate right now - well then it will give you another bashing down the line to do so.

right now it's handing you the chance to find the true you, that's not all entangled with your h.

and guess what the real gift is if you go with it? you will become so powerful in your own energy and independent growth that it could possibly influence your h to come out of his depression.

as for noticing your patterns - YAY YAY YAY!!!

that's the first step - and you and i are just going to take off from there.

word of warning - i started seeing the patterns - the more obvious ones - almost a year ago - and guess what - i'm STILL finding patterns that need to change.

first the most obvious ones glare out at you and then over time the more subtle ones.

what i am beginning to see really clearly now, dawn, is that every step i take toward being a stronger me, coincides with a pattern breaking. it all comes in degrees - slowly slowly

so take a deep breathe and get ready for a wonderful journey - you are going to be so delighted with what you discover about your self smile

hugs to you Sweet Dawn - and kudos for being so courageous smile

Zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Hi Zig, Great day today here in the midwest. Hope yours was sunny too!

I told my H today, as he was trying to pick on me, that I will not take him talking mean to me…he asked if he could be mean to himself, I walked away silently.

H said I should date his rich client for the money, he said F*** love, I’m not going to get that from “him” anymore, go for the money…. well that’s his cross he carries, so I told him he will not talk to me like that again.

Cadet said it’s his own guilt and shame he’s trying to release. H does feel like such a looser in life, and so dead inside that he tries to agitate me to quicken him when he can’t get motivated to do anything.

Well I shot him down without conflict, and he stopped, shared a 9/11 documentary with me, and enjoyed his dinner with compliments. I don’t really get anything out of all the hard work he requires, even his compliments (which I loved) now feel meaningless, empty, not satisfying, though I know at the time he says it, he means it.

So it is getting easier everyday to detach and be different from the way I acted before. H said he didn’t deserve my dinner (as he was shoveling it in) my thought was “shut up”, SOS talk, this is too boring to respond to.

It feels so much better at the end of an attempted rant... to have control and not have gone down the rabbit hole with him. I feel better about myself…my kids don’t have to see me distraught anymore…and in the end H does respond a little more positive.

When you are detached you are naturally distancing.

I’m sure this is where I’m at now. It does feel more “natural” everyday to do things on my own, call my friends a little more, make a fire in the yard, sit with the boys as they teach me how to enjoy their drink creations (ah, young men an their blenders).

I have stopped snooping…. and learned that it is better not knowing. I see he still takes $20 from the account a few times a week to give ow/ea food money (dirt poor alcoholic) but I never comment on it anymore. Hell, I feed my squirrels better than that…an my dog eats organic, the topic of her is not worth my breath.

This first lesson I learned (before dbing) was act “as if” and the results were so surprising. I took the good, but couldn’t handle the bad. Detaching helps strengthen and backs up the “as if” keeping me from letting a sitch get bad in the first place. Make sense?

I like the new-minded approach, my baby steps, that make every morning a little easier to face. The road ahead is long, winding, and bumpy, but I’m not alone, I’ve always known that, but never saw it until now as I peek out of my own tunnel.

I'm still working on those pattern as everyday brings another one to surface...I see how this could be a life long journey. You are such a great help, listener, teacher of your own experiences, that I would not be were I'm at right now. Thanks for share your insight as we both continue to DB our way through the muck.

Off to read co-dep no more...some more! grin


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Zig- My new "spiritually healer" was really great to talk to today. She leaves me feeling happy, lighter, freer, and a little more in tune with myself. There is so much validation that comes from her and physical touching (hugging, hand holding) that I almost started to cry.

I am working on learning to say no ( to my self) when I feel the urge to do something for H that is typical, expected, anti-detaching. If asked yes, be kind, but, not intrusively mothering, over barring. (is that what I was, yea!)

I think I like this "me" topic...I never thought I would like being the main subject, but I need it soo much that I am having a good time with it.

I spent the whole day out...my car is making a difference...it is mine...a vessel that guides me through rough waters away from home...taking me to new lands.

I shopped for my God daughter's b-day today, telling her if your were at the mall with friends and wanted something really cool, but you didn't have the money, what would it be? She told me (humbly saying it's too much) her simple wants that would make her happy, a box set movie collection, so I bought it.

D and I are making brownies and watching zombies tomorrow. YA! I really do love the series...and anything vampires.

Monday it's off to my parents for dad's b-day (more goodies) Boy, these are days I have spent years not paying attention to...neglecting all others in my life staying home trying to keep my house of cards from falling.

That's what you mean by GAL, not worry about how it is going to affect my R or H!!! Geeze!

Zig- you named it exactly as it has always been. I need to release myself of my self-appointed duties.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi sweet dawn - what a lovely post - i hope you go back to read these last few pages and see what a turn you have taken. your voice sounds lighter and you ARE lighter in your heart, i think.

so happy for you

brownies and vampires - wow!! i don't think i could manage that combo grin

so, dear girl - after you come back from your dad's, can i give you a little nudge to get started on some teeny tiny little goals so we can keep you one step ahead and continually focused?

i hope you have a wonderful weekend, and a beautiful time with your family - so glad to hear you are stepping out of your old world into your new one, dear friend

(((((((((( ))))))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Good morning zig- I'm a little sad today, but it's different from before...I see my m as over (right now) but I am getting hopeful and excited about new experiences.

We spent the morning in bed talking about our childhood (movie inspired) it helped me see just how far back H's life goes into that dark tunnel of misery.

To hear how at 8 yrs old was thrown in a closet, slapped, whipped and his reasoning to this day is "he deserved it" shows me this is the way he copes.

I have the maturity, strength, and cope ability to move forward that H does not have and I need to continue to take charge.

I am actively still looking everyday for thing to keep me busy. Strange how that becomes something you have to make an effort at.

I am doing better keeping in touch with friends, and family, but I still have yet to do anything to put myself out there to meet more people. What makes this a hard goal is not my unwillingness as before, but my lack of imagination ( i guess).

Maybe I still hold myself back...self analyzing here, like I'm on the threshold safely able to see the confort zone, while peeking at the world ahead. I am teetering though...sometimes I'm in the world ahead, peeking at my comfort zone. Improvement???!!!

I hope this is at least, a very baby step, in the right direction of my goals (at least recognizing) that I need to keep moving forward.

I'm outa here, by myself grin to pick up some things and give my parents a call about tom.

Can you imaging if all of us LBS were to get together on our blankets we would never have a shortage of friends, that would be a hellofa picnic! cool


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi dawnmarie - i'm sorry i haven't replied for so many days. i have been goin gthrough some stuff myself, and have needed to put my focus to myself for a bit.

but i feel better now, and will come back later today to write to you some more smile

just wanted to let you know that i have been thinking about you and haven't forgotten smile

i'd like to see some work with your goals list soon - any chance you feel ready to do that? i think it will help you take the next step

((((( )))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
My list of goals:

Find things in life that make me feel good, things to do and explore that are of my interests.

Get my physical appearance to a place that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Improve on and maintain my weight, dress, hair, nails, skin and over all looks that bring me to a place of feeling pretty.

Put myself out there whenever possible to meet new people, make friends, and develop a relationship with someone outside of my comfortable circle of familiarity.

Don't allow myself to be a punching bag, door mat, sound board, for my H who needs to expel his "spew" at me. Stand up for myself and say "I don't deserve to be spoken to in this way" then remove myself from the scene.

Learn to take care of my home, learning new ways, be it asking my 3 sons or a professional to help me get my home in order and stop reling on my H to do the projects needed. Take charge...it's my home with my children!

Don't let the mood of others influence my day. Don't try to take on what I can't control about H, control myself and tell myself that everyday, there's a reason to do something new and exciting, no matter how small it may be.

My name literally means "the start of a new day". I want to approach every day without any garbage from the day before...as an extension of what was good...and as a blank slate for what's ahead.

I will do my best for me, my kids and even my H who no matter what the outcome of our M, will always be my family, and someone I loved very much.

My faith that God has heard my prayers to take my M into his hands, help me with my choices ahead, and give me the strength to deal with what comes next, is strong enough for me to push forward.

I guess I'm about to meet the women that I've been seeking, the last time I saw her she was just a girl. How will I recognize her...she'll be the one standing tall with her family by her side.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
dear dear sweet dawn

what a lovely determined list - I LOVE IT!!

i have been "away" grounding myself, but i am delighted to see that you have been also doing the same. grin

Would you like to bring your list over to the goals thread in an even more specific way? I think you are now ready to encourage others to do the same as you, and when they see where you are at , they will endeavor to do the same.

Here's what i would like to see when you put them there. write them out as 1,2,3 and for each one make it an action sentence - an easy way to do that is to begin with "I will..."

and i'd like to see you add very specifically how it will make you feel when you do it - it will make me feel attractive and more self-confident for example.

you have come a long way sweet lady - and you should be so proud of yourself smile - you have stepped over your own hurdle that was holding you back from who you are supposed to be - I'm so excited for you!

also, if you would like to talk here about how you are feeling and what your struggles may still be, I am here for you always. But in shifting your focus, you are going to find that everything feels much much easier, don't you think?

look forward to hearing from you

(((((( )))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
Thanks zig! I did refine my list and put it on the site.

What I don't like is they way I seem to sway back sometimes after feeling so empowered I feel like such a jelly fish, h can see it too and then he attacks me. I wrote about it on my thread asking for some vets to give advise, I'm pretty lonely over there without much feedback.

I'm not sure what makes me strong one day and less another. I know there are all kinds of factors such as, being sick, hormones, his words or actions, sometimes even just my own thoughts.

Anyways, I am overall better. Winter and holidays will be a challenge as I am sure with a lot of us... not MLC favorite time of yr.

My biggest challenge is myself...I see that, h is not doing anything to me per se, (his words hurt but it's his distorted view) it's the lack of relationship, his anger, the distance, his detachment that drives me mad. But, when I remind myself that I am missing the "ghost of husband past", it's easier to look forward.

Forward to a future without him is even easier than trying for a future with him, that brings on the sadness, because it seem soooooo hopeless. But for now just trying to get through another today.

I have my blanket (quilted it myself), still need friends to come over, at least I go sit, read and relax.

thanks for all your encouraging words! grin


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
I did get some great feedback on my thread...so much to think about. I'm just going to concentrate on that blanket, focus on me and those around me who are of healthy mind.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
zig - I just read your last few posts. I'm sorry to hear life is throwing more challenges your way, the replies you received are so wonderful, I was most inspired by your last post about reframing.

I will keep this with me always, reread it everyday, and hope that you are as inspired by your own words as I am. I have been sharing it everywhere, might as well put it here too.


"One can reframe rejection and see it not as someone rejecting us and who we are, but rather that it's the universe's protection for us so that we can be available for what we truly need in our lives"

Love it...live it...share it! wink


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
((((((((((dawn))))))))))

I am so glad to hear you stronger and stronger every time i read your posts. It is such an awesome feeling - and i don't use that word very often grin

i did see you had posted your goals on the goals thread. I know i haven't done a great job there recently, but am probably "gathering" energy right now

so meanwhile, keep on - and about the waves - i have them too - all the time and here's what helps me the most:

you can't stop them, you can't evade them and you can't pretend they are not there. The best thing is to just observe, as in

"oh interesting, here i go again feeling it very strongly. wonder how long this round will last. I know it won't be for always because the other day i felt great, so I will just look forward to when i feel great again"

the turning point for me was when someone told me what accuray had posted - that his IC had said that the frequency of the dips reduces first before the intensity of the feelings gets less. so when i realized that, it really helped me not to feel that i wasn't making any progress.

it will take the time that it will take, sweet friend and that's all there is to it. so the sooner we accept and allow for that, the better we'll feel about having it at all

so keep on keeping on - you are doing just amazing.

how is the therapy going, btw - i've been wanting to ask

also - i had that same thing with feeling like h sensed when i was more vulnerable and it was uncanny how he seemed to hit me harder with stuff when i was in that state.

but i think what is really going on is that when we feel more vulnerable, everything comes harder at us. that too will fade with time

(((((((( )))))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
zig - I could use a one on one here, hope that's ok! I hope your doing well for yourself.

I have been reading Snodderly's - why they run, and am learning so much. I wish I knew where her story has taken her since '02 because she writes about how her h is "running" and not looking back at all for her.

I spent the weekend breaking my own goals, laying it all out consequences be dambed.

I made him talk ( not caring about outcome) because I was so tired. I was full of such anxiety I was crying at the doctors when the told me my anxiety is giving me psoriasis on my face.

H wants to leave so bad, be alone, he's so lost. I questioned everything, he was good with it, we spoke 12hrs and even drove to the lake, and stopped for ice cream.

I do know, whether he physically does it or not he is running. Only today do I understand that "running'' covers a variety of things he's doing right now while he's still at home.

It help's so much to be clearer on this. I understand better how I should act, but now I also understand better why, and the possibilities it brings. Whether we make it or not I need to be strong to put these lessons into action for him (because I love him) and for me.

I have to start over again reread my own goals, make new ones and take a closer look at myself because I am in new phase of my own.

I am understanding more (maybe accepting) that this r was not what I thought it was. That I was only getting 50% of my h in the first place, which now puts him at 0% (since he's half of the man he was) ? I hope you get it, what I'm trying to say.

I rewrote my own history inflating what I felt I was loosing when my h (at first) told me he wanted out. I am only now remembering that months before I told "him" I'm not in love anymore. Mainly because it was the beginning of his attacks and we were at it big time.

I have been less mothering to him, because he has asked me to let him take care of himself, but naturally I am pulling back as well. I don't have the guilt anymore if he doesn't eat or wash.

I have doubts I want to be in the m after all this. Not trying to save my m as much as now I'm trying to find my way through this in a way that we both come out ok.

I'm so tired...I know this might not be too coherent, also suffering a little joint pain in my hands (raining here). Sorry if it's long. Just need talk to someone directly and not just put it out there for anyone to respond.

thank aging - zig! I'm going to tattoo my goal to the back of my hand crazy


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard