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hi dawnmarie - i'm sorry i haven't replied for so many days. i have been goin gthrough some stuff myself, and have needed to put my focus to myself for a bit.

but i feel better now, and will come back later today to write to you some more smile

just wanted to let you know that i have been thinking about you and haven't forgotten smile

i'd like to see some work with your goals list soon - any chance you feel ready to do that? i think it will help you take the next step

((((( )))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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My list of goals:

Find things in life that make me feel good, things to do and explore that are of my interests.

Get my physical appearance to a place that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Improve on and maintain my weight, dress, hair, nails, skin and over all looks that bring me to a place of feeling pretty.

Put myself out there whenever possible to meet new people, make friends, and develop a relationship with someone outside of my comfortable circle of familiarity.

Don't allow myself to be a punching bag, door mat, sound board, for my H who needs to expel his "spew" at me. Stand up for myself and say "I don't deserve to be spoken to in this way" then remove myself from the scene.

Learn to take care of my home, learning new ways, be it asking my 3 sons or a professional to help me get my home in order and stop reling on my H to do the projects needed. Take charge...it's my home with my children!

Don't let the mood of others influence my day. Don't try to take on what I can't control about H, control myself and tell myself that everyday, there's a reason to do something new and exciting, no matter how small it may be.

My name literally means "the start of a new day". I want to approach every day without any garbage from the day before...as an extension of what was good...and as a blank slate for what's ahead.

I will do my best for me, my kids and even my H who no matter what the outcome of our M, will always be my family, and someone I loved very much.

My faith that God has heard my prayers to take my M into his hands, help me with my choices ahead, and give me the strength to deal with what comes next, is strong enough for me to push forward.

I guess I'm about to meet the women that I've been seeking, the last time I saw her she was just a girl. How will I recognize her...she'll be the one standing tall with her family by her side.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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zig Offline
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dear dear sweet dawn

what a lovely determined list - I LOVE IT!!

i have been "away" grounding myself, but i am delighted to see that you have been also doing the same. grin

Would you like to bring your list over to the goals thread in an even more specific way? I think you are now ready to encourage others to do the same as you, and when they see where you are at , they will endeavor to do the same.

Here's what i would like to see when you put them there. write them out as 1,2,3 and for each one make it an action sentence - an easy way to do that is to begin with "I will..."

and i'd like to see you add very specifically how it will make you feel when you do it - it will make me feel attractive and more self-confident for example.

you have come a long way sweet lady - and you should be so proud of yourself smile - you have stepped over your own hurdle that was holding you back from who you are supposed to be - I'm so excited for you!

also, if you would like to talk here about how you are feeling and what your struggles may still be, I am here for you always. But in shifting your focus, you are going to find that everything feels much much easier, don't you think?

look forward to hearing from you

(((((( )))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Thanks zig! I did refine my list and put it on the site.

What I don't like is they way I seem to sway back sometimes after feeling so empowered I feel like such a jelly fish, h can see it too and then he attacks me. I wrote about it on my thread asking for some vets to give advise, I'm pretty lonely over there without much feedback.

I'm not sure what makes me strong one day and less another. I know there are all kinds of factors such as, being sick, hormones, his words or actions, sometimes even just my own thoughts.

Anyways, I am overall better. Winter and holidays will be a challenge as I am sure with a lot of us... not MLC favorite time of yr.

My biggest challenge is myself...I see that, h is not doing anything to me per se, (his words hurt but it's his distorted view) it's the lack of relationship, his anger, the distance, his detachment that drives me mad. But, when I remind myself that I am missing the "ghost of husband past", it's easier to look forward.

Forward to a future without him is even easier than trying for a future with him, that brings on the sadness, because it seem soooooo hopeless. But for now just trying to get through another today.

I have my blanket (quilted it myself), still need friends to come over, at least I go sit, read and relax.

thanks for all your encouraging words! grin


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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I did get some great feedback on my thread...so much to think about. I'm just going to concentrate on that blanket, focus on me and those around me who are of healthy mind.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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zig - I just read your last few posts. I'm sorry to hear life is throwing more challenges your way, the replies you received are so wonderful, I was most inspired by your last post about reframing.

I will keep this with me always, reread it everyday, and hope that you are as inspired by your own words as I am. I have been sharing it everywhere, might as well put it here too.


"One can reframe rejection and see it not as someone rejecting us and who we are, but rather that it's the universe's protection for us so that we can be available for what we truly need in our lives"

Love it...live it...share it! wink


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline
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((((((((((dawn))))))))))

I am so glad to hear you stronger and stronger every time i read your posts. It is such an awesome feeling - and i don't use that word very often grin

i did see you had posted your goals on the goals thread. I know i haven't done a great job there recently, but am probably "gathering" energy right now

so meanwhile, keep on - and about the waves - i have them too - all the time and here's what helps me the most:

you can't stop them, you can't evade them and you can't pretend they are not there. The best thing is to just observe, as in

"oh interesting, here i go again feeling it very strongly. wonder how long this round will last. I know it won't be for always because the other day i felt great, so I will just look forward to when i feel great again"

the turning point for me was when someone told me what accuray had posted - that his IC had said that the frequency of the dips reduces first before the intensity of the feelings gets less. so when i realized that, it really helped me not to feel that i wasn't making any progress.

it will take the time that it will take, sweet friend and that's all there is to it. so the sooner we accept and allow for that, the better we'll feel about having it at all

so keep on keeping on - you are doing just amazing.

how is the therapy going, btw - i've been wanting to ask

also - i had that same thing with feeling like h sensed when i was more vulnerable and it was uncanny how he seemed to hit me harder with stuff when i was in that state.

but i think what is really going on is that when we feel more vulnerable, everything comes harder at us. that too will fade with time

(((((((( )))))))))
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,132
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zig - I could use a one on one here, hope that's ok! I hope your doing well for yourself.

I have been reading Snodderly's - why they run, and am learning so much. I wish I knew where her story has taken her since '02 because she writes about how her h is "running" and not looking back at all for her.

I spent the weekend breaking my own goals, laying it all out consequences be dambed.

I made him talk ( not caring about outcome) because I was so tired. I was full of such anxiety I was crying at the doctors when the told me my anxiety is giving me psoriasis on my face.

H wants to leave so bad, be alone, he's so lost. I questioned everything, he was good with it, we spoke 12hrs and even drove to the lake, and stopped for ice cream.

I do know, whether he physically does it or not he is running. Only today do I understand that "running'' covers a variety of things he's doing right now while he's still at home.

It help's so much to be clearer on this. I understand better how I should act, but now I also understand better why, and the possibilities it brings. Whether we make it or not I need to be strong to put these lessons into action for him (because I love him) and for me.

I have to start over again reread my own goals, make new ones and take a closer look at myself because I am in new phase of my own.

I am understanding more (maybe accepting) that this r was not what I thought it was. That I was only getting 50% of my h in the first place, which now puts him at 0% (since he's half of the man he was) ? I hope you get it, what I'm trying to say.

I rewrote my own history inflating what I felt I was loosing when my h (at first) told me he wanted out. I am only now remembering that months before I told "him" I'm not in love anymore. Mainly because it was the beginning of his attacks and we were at it big time.

I have been less mothering to him, because he has asked me to let him take care of himself, but naturally I am pulling back as well. I don't have the guilt anymore if he doesn't eat or wash.

I have doubts I want to be in the m after all this. Not trying to save my m as much as now I'm trying to find my way through this in a way that we both come out ok.

I'm so tired...I know this might not be too coherent, also suffering a little joint pain in my hands (raining here). Sorry if it's long. Just need talk to someone directly and not just put it out there for anyone to respond.

thank aging - zig! I'm going to tattoo my goal to the back of my hand crazy


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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