DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[zig]

Hi Dawn - what wonderful news. I am so so pleased for you - you keep putting a smile on my face and that feels lovely.

I hope there's a smile on yours too, and something is telling me that there is - not just on your face, but in your heart too.

I think that when we are here in the midst of our sitches, at least for me - I've discovered that it's okay to take the "lesser" of what we would like for a bit.

the important thing here is to keep moving forward and trust that it will all pan out the way we would like it to, and if to start with we have a job that's not quite what we envisioned, it is something to be really grateful for because it's a step in the direction that we want to take.

it's also about learning to accept and appreciate FULLY whatever it is we have right now, even if it's not what we completely want. it's an opportunity to practice it in other parts of our life, to make us stronger for the really challenging part, which is our relationships with our spouses.


and i see that you are already acknowledging the hidden benefits by what you wrote:

the best pay will come from relearning all of the new real estate changes.



and now when you are aware of this, you can later apply it to the situation with your h - what are the hidden benefits of things as they currently are?

a hint - what is it propelling you to do?

so there is good and bad in every thing that may initially on the surface look bad.

as for waking up with your cold - sorry about that - i hope you are feeling better soon.

you can take that as an opportunity also - that even if you are under the weather, you can still trust yourself to perform as well as you would if you were well.

that even if things aren't perfect, you can still do things well and live well...

I look forward to hearing when your interview is - and if it's today - good, good luck.

Things are moving forward well for you.

Let's work some more on your goals list ok - if you have time over the weekend - we need to start monitoring it more specifically and you could maybe start to think about a couple of new goals you could add

((((( )))))))
zig

ps - hmmm...I like the sound of that gorgeous high school bf...

[zig]

hi dawnmarie - just thought i'd check in and see how you are doing?

hope you're well and busy GAL'ing

zig

[albamarie]

Hi zig - i did go GAL today...not so much over the weekend...to sick! I did do alot of dbing on my thread - got a lot of feedback- some stuff to think about. I've been told I come off angry so I'm looking into that...cause that won't help anything.

Tom. afternoon is my job interview with real estate office. I really want this one so "I'ma knock her socks off"!

I tried looking into some C groups around my house...no luck so far. I used to quilt at the library a few yrs ago, I will check what else they may have coming up soon.

I feel younger somehow! At the mall I always gravitated to the kitchen section....today I found myself searching for more girly, personal items...good smelling stuff, and creams. I (at least for myself) consider this part of GAL because it is very out of my "Tom Boy" character...and makes me feel, then act feminine.

To me, to feel feminine, is to feel strong! Believe me this is step for me.

Anyway, I have so much to more to do in life without much direction, so everyday is a learn to GAL day. Why are those goals so hard...it's like your asking me to carve it in stone...and live by it or die!

Not that bad but...! Someone said on my thread they don't see anger...they see through to the sadness. So I guess I have a lot on my plate.

Oh, I am going to a free workshop Thur. called Live Out Loud...it's about creating success around you, in your life and business. I met her once before w/Tony Robbins...it will be interesting...I already have some of her books.

I'm reading Depression Fallout...it was a recommendation by GWN.

So that's what I have so far...I know I'm not very productive but then again that's why I'm here.

[zig]

HI sweet Dawn - how did your interview go? I hope you felt really good about it? Are you feeling better? i hope so

Why are those goals so hard...it's like your asking me to carve it in stone...and live by it or die

alright girl - that's quite the statement ^^^ want to explore that a little further?

why don't you write for me what is hard about each of the goals - i think i know where tat's coming from because i have the same thing going on.

what's hard about it is that each time we focus on something else, it takes us a teeny tiny bit further away from our spouses - an dthat is very very scary.

we are so tied in to saving the relationship that letting go feels like do or die. when we cling in some way to the r, we feel safer, and so that feeling you are expressing is the fear of the unknown

so maybe we should back up a bit and work on trust.

The more we TRUST that things will turn out okay, the more we trust ourselves and our growth, the easier it is to focus away from our ditches.

so how about you spend some time thinking about how you can trust, what it means to trust and how you can see yourself working towards that trust?

what will you be doing when you are trusting more? trusting that life will give you what you need when you need it?

what will life look like to you when you let go and just be okay with either outcome - how will you be? will you be calm and serene, will you appreciate all the good and bad in your life, will you have forgiven everyone and everything?

I want you to spend the next couple of days imagining what it you will do and waht you will feel like when those things happen.

and write down how you imagine yourself to be - just in general , or as specific as you can get.

and then from what you wrote - we'll formulate some goals for you.

do you see where i'm trying to go with this?

i'll try to check in everyday to see where you are at


right now - from where i'm reading it looks to me as if you are doing great - really well - you may not feel it, but you have made a lot of progress since we started, so keep encouraging yourself.

sometimes it's hard for us to see that we can't do it all overnight - and we jsut get there, one step at a time

you are taking steps one by one, very steadily - and that's more important than taking all the steps all at once

zig

[albamarie]

Not good today zig...huge set back. H took control of my happiness for my potential job saying "I deserve it" he will be very angry if I don't get it...cause they would be crazy.

Tomorrow is my seminar at the hotel...H is not invited!

I am going to look harder for that help group around here....I feel like I'm drowning...need to GAL w/friends asap.

[zig]

hi Dawnmarie -

I'm a bit concerned at how you worded what your h said and how you felt about it.

"H took control of my happiness for my potential job "

Is it necessary right now for you to tell him exactly what you are doing?

You're still in a fragile place where you're just starting to stand on your feet - and he can sense that - he can sense both things - that you are fragile and that you are starting to move forward.

he can grab at both of those things in crazy subtle ways to keep you where you are - because that's the most comfortable and familiar fro him right now.

and this reaction that HE"S gonna have - depending on your outcome with the job - he's holding that over you - and THAT is the rollercoaster effect.

and you feeling that he's taking control of your happiness in this way - that's you staying on the rollercoaster and being co-dependent.

now don't panic because i said that. it's just where we are in the process as we begin to attempt the detachment process. when we truly start - that's when we find out how entangled we really are, and how it will just happen slowly.

so take a deep breadth - go read our first posts on where you talked abou twhat goals you were going to set and how they will make you feel.

it's not smooth sailing - there are setbacks and sometimes those are external.


see this as a good opportunity for you to find a way to step off his train - even a little bit. what could you do right now, so you don't get pulled into his drama?

-not tell him what's going on with you?
-not tell him the result of your interview? (e.g.. when he asks:' h you indicated clearly that you are going to have a big reaction about whether i get the job or not. so i have decided that i don't wish to discuss this with you any further, because i do not care for your feedback on this issue.'


in other words - set a boundary with your h - find out for yourself what the boundary could be and then set it. this is him crawling all over you, and this is you making sure there's a safety zone around yourself that he MAY NOT penetrate - until you feel stronger

i'm not going to be around today -maybe later at night, so if you need help figuring what the boundary is and how you could set it - post about it on your thread - and i'm sure MrBond and many others could help you set it

some of the stuff you've written on your thread - smacks to me of co-d stuff on both your parts. feels to me as if your h is using that co-d in a huge way to keep you pulled in and we have to hep you disentangle.

are you seeing a therapist - if you are - you need to increase the number of apptmts right now - see if you can get in today - just so that you can talk to someone, even if it's a priest or counselor. talk about how to set boundaries

sometimes when one person starts distancing themselves, as you are DEFINITELY doing here - the other one starts pursuing in crazy making ways - and it's a lot to handle - as it's very subtle and that's what makes it crazy

so see what's going on as his attempt to keep you in your old place and just keep moving forward

take care of yourself right now - let him rant or rave.

in fact i'm ready to suggest that the next time he starts spewing or talking as if from mars - look at him calmly and say - oh remember you told me that this is the stuff you can talk about only with ow? i do believe that it's time for you to call her - as i don't deal with you on this level so there's no point in talking to me about it - i won't be able to help you

but you may want to run that by MrBond .

sometimes i think we protect their relationship with OP way too much...

it's time to protect yourself a lot more now than you have been doing

take care dawn

and big hugs
zig

[albamarie]

zig - these have bad days. Tonight I put my H in his place (didn't mean to, it just came out) nothing hurtful, not even mean , just hard honest truth, it humble him.

The best part is what I'm learning about myself from what I said, it was very spontaneous making me go, huh, "what did I just say about myself"?

So I am going to take some time this weekend to reflect , your right, it's time to stop telling him everything...he's not my bff any more.

I will be here with some boundary idea's and ways to start protecting myself so I can move ahead.

thanks

[albamarie]

Good morning - zig

see this as a good opportunity for you to find a way to step off his train - even a little bit. what could you do right now, so you don't get pulled into his drama?

Get off his a$$. I have been umbilical tied to him for 23yrs. He was (is) like a really good ethnic mother, you know like one of those you see on tv and the kid is like "ok ma, I got it" as she's still putting more food on your plate? The running joke was always...he should have stayed home, while I was the strong one out there.

I needed a mother....he really is mothering...less today, but still more than the average guy.

where we are in the process as we begin to attempt the detachment process. when we truly start - that's when we find out how entangled we really are, and how it will just happen slowly.

This is my crutch! It happend fast for me...we were talking last night about he insisted I trust him (24yrs ago) and I gave my all to him, (the first person ever). He was so sad that he broke that, apologized!

What can I do for me about this ( h also said he needs me to be strong without him) this will be my daily struggle. Everyday I have to remember not to jump his bones, call him honey, make plans, so I come to this site as sort of my Daily Bread.

-not tell him what's going on with you?

Yes, this is an easier on to start with. I will not volunteer information any more, and I did use that line on him when he asked about my interview. I told him I won't have him get upset at something that I'm handeling.

set a boundary with your h - find out for yourself what the boundary could be and then set it. this is him crawling all over you, and this is you making sure there's a safety zone around yourself that he MAY NOT penetrate - until you feel stronger


Again, another hard one. I just want him to swoop in and put more food on my plate, Boundaries are hard, also in the same house, same bed, even same bathroom, but those are physical boundaries that aren't really the problem.

I need to know more about boundaries how to answer, talk in a way that I'm not seeming to pull him in, or being aloud to be pulled in. I acted "as if" for several months, honestly if felt great...but H revealed that he was so surprised at my silence...but just kept on going forward with his flipped brain. I feel like it gave him his space...I don't know it makes me angry to see the rope he takes, that I give, and uses it to gal.

I wrote about this on my thread....Cadet gave helpful words.

I need to take a break...thanks zig....

[albamarie]

Ok, I'm back. that last paragraph to something out of me that i needed to walk away from.

H is curled up in a ball...it's hard not to feel the contagiousness of that, but I'm doing ok.

"smacks to me of co-d stuff on both your parts. feels to me as if your h is using that co-d in a huge way to keep you pulled in and we have to hep you disentangle."

I never thought of H as co-d...do you really think so. I need to look into this some more...maybe get on that book.

I have made an appointment to get a referral for a therapist, big step for me...but really necessary as I do feel the sadness covered over me like a wool blanket.

Now that I think about it my H does judge himself based on what I do or don't do. Example: if I work, bring in money...he's a looser for not doing it all. If I do the dishes...he's lazy cause he should have done it...why am I doing it. OMG! I never saw this...I just thought he was overly generous.

I need to work on myself so much...i really can't do it alone though....I will get on that counseling asap.

I want to start on goals, but I seem to be all over the place. Each day I have to make the effort for that day. Is that, ok....baby steps....be gentle with myself "timbits" says, I like that.

[albamarie]

zig - hi, I didn't get the job from the interview. I am going to keep push on...not let that get me down.

I feel a bit more positive after Sat night at work with H... I was a social butterfly talking to everyone and hitting it off with his boss. We spoke forever, he held my hand , in the end hugged me, telling H I was soo sweet, and how lucky he was.

It left me with a little confidence that I can still meld myself into the adult world as a peer. I have to say it felt good being out late night around some really handsome men...dressed up.

I am looking into possibly getting into a different line of work since real estate is not for me at this time. I won $11 in a raffel and my first thought was if this was $111,111 is would be out of here, huh! That's were my mind went.

I know I feel the fight or flight dilemma....but didn't realize how much I would welcome the flight. Getting financially on my own two feet would really help me detach.

No matter what the outcome of our r it is necessary for me to become more independent and an equal contributor to our lives.