Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread but it is helpful for me to write down what I am thinking and feeling so I will continue to post. Today was my IC and we spent a lot of time talking about where I am at and some of the things that my W has been doing. My therapist said that perhaps one of the reasons that she keeps trying to suck me into the same argument over and over again is because she is trying to reinforce her commitment to the D. I have thought similar things in the past, but to have someone else say the same thing was both a surprise and a relief.
I am doing a lot better personally as well, I have finally reached a point where I want her back but I can say that I do not need her back. I am gonna be okay regardless of what happens. I can still think of lots of reasons why we should get back together, we have similar goals, she is the mother of my children, etc. but if that doesn't happen I will be okay. My life will go on and I will be happy regardless of what happens.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
I have finally reached a point where I want her back but I can say that I do not need her back. I am gonna be okay regardless of what happens. I can still think of lots of reasons why we should get back together, we have similar goals, she is the mother of my children, etc. but if that doesn't happen I will be okay. My life will go on and I will be happy regardless of what happens.
That's a big step.
Just realize that it's only the first of many ....
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I am well aware that it is just the first step of many. It was a pretty big admission for me to make though. Today was a particularly difficult day. I started out doing pretty good and feeling like I could handle NC. But as the day went on it has been harder and harder not to miss her. I haven't had an urge to call her or anything, but I have struggled not to think about her and beat myself up over everything that has happened.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
This morning I got some positive news. I am going to start working on Monday. It is only a six month job training program, but at least it's a start. Besides, next year at this time I would just have to quit any job I had so I could start working on the 300 hours of internship that I need to graduate from the MPA program. So that is two positive things that have happened to me in the last two weeks. They say good things happen in threes, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
I am wondering if I should tell her about the job and the masters program since I am trying to maintain NC with her except as it relates to the kids. I am not sure how to approach the situation and I could really use some advice since I will see her tonight when she drops the kids off.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Well I totally blew it tonight. When she came to pick up the kids she handed me some papers. She is petitioning to have the court declare that I have forfeited my right to visitation until I attend some mandatory parenting classes. According to her I told her that I refused to attend the classes. This is an out and out lie and I am filing a response to the petition saying exactly that. Unfortunately I broke radio silence and called her demanding to know when we had talked about this and when I told her that I refused to attend the classes. Of course, not only did I blow any benefit I had accrued by going NC, which clearly wasn't much, but I am also sure I just reinforced the anger issue with her. I am not sure where to go now, other then to file the paperwork with the court tomorrow. If she is going to be willing to perjure herself to try and bully me into signing the waiver and let the divorce proceed before the legally mandated waiting period is up then I think it's a safe bet that reconciliation is off the table for right now.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Yesterday I had a quite enlightening talk with my W. She said to me that she knew that I hoped that she would change so that I could come home because she talks to the same people that I talk to (not sure who that would be since the only two people I have said that to are my bishop and my therapist and as far as I know she is not speaking to either of them). The she went into her usual comments about how she had changed and that did not include taking me back. But then she said something that she has never said before and that I wished I had caught and commented on at the time. She asked me "why would you want to come home anyway?" I missed that at the time because she jumped right in with asking me if I had even told my brother that we were getting divorced.
However, the more I think about it the more I am beginning to feel that statement actually has some significance in understanding where her mind is at right now. Before she was at the "I hate you" and "everything is your fault" stage that she is in now she told me that she felt that our marriage was not working because she had done things in her past that she had never told me about and that because of those things she did not feel worthy to be my wife. Now I could be reading too much into her statement (one of the drawbacks to have been a cop and having been trained as a lawyer is that you are always looking for clues to what people are thinking in what they say and do) but I have began to wonder if all the anger is just to cover for the fact that she still feels guilty for what happened and that she is trying to push me away because she doesn't feel like I could love her after that.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Today has been a pretty rough day. While I have accepted that my marriage is over and I have accepted moving on without my wife I still struggle with feeling alone. Most of the people that I know have never been through something like this and so while they can tell me how sorry they feel and how much sympathy that they have for me they can't really help me because they don't know what it's like. So even when I am with people I feel alone because it is hard to find people who understand just what it is that I am going through.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
It is also hard because even though I accept that my current relationship with my wife is over, I still hope for a new healthy relationship with her. I don't know how that would be possible right now but it is still something that I hope and pray for.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
