DB Bootcamp - NASCARDaddy, ericsmant2 and various

[ericmsant2]

I have been so focused on changing what she says that she doesn't like about me that I have not ever thought what I want for myself.

focused on changing what SHE says that she doesn't like...Hmmm... that line tell you something?

I have not ever thought what I want for myself.

Now is a GOOD time. My only advice though is that if you want to think about what YOU want for YOU...it usually means that YOU DO NOT involve someone else. If you do, then it usually means you spend more time thinking about THEM, especially in a new R.

and to make enough money so that my wife doesn't have to work and can stay home with the kids like she has always wanted.

How about...to make enough money to do things that I want to do for MYSELF and for my family.

As far as what I want to be like, I want to be kind, wise, compassionate, happy, and hopeful.

THen do it. Start today.... everyday wake up and say I will be kind, wise, compassionate, HAPPY and HOPEFUL. No better time to start then today. Right?

However, personally losing another 30 lbs and getting back into school would make me happy on a personal level.

Then FOCUS ON THIS ^^^^ you have CONTROL over THIS ^^^^. What is your plan for the weight loss? Do you have a plan for going back to school?

She is kind, independent, friendly, strong willed, spiritual, generous, compassionate, patient, hard working, loving, a great mother, and a great friend.

THen remember that before you throw in the towel.

I have gotten used to having someone that I could talk to or even someone to just be there in the same room with me.

I love to talk....only problem is I am on the other side of the country so I can't do the room thing.

Eric

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Nascar,

I hesitate to step in here, got enough on my plate and I get the feeling you might be the type that makes me want to push my head through a brick wall. : )

That being said:

Anyone...ANYONE can do the 'better' part of for better or worse, yeah?

But willing to bet cash money, that you said 'for better OR worse'...

This is the worse part.

Live up to your word, at least do your best in that regard.

[NASCARDaddy]

I have been so focused on changing what she says that she doesn't like about me that I have not ever thought what I want for myself.

focused on changing what SHE says that she doesn't like...Hmmm... that line tell you something?
Eric

Well to be honest, there is a lot that she doesn't like that I don't like about myself either. I want to get rid of the anger that I carry around with me all the time and when I do get upset I want to be able to deal with it better. I don't want my kids and my wife to be scared of me anymore. And I want to ditch the porn because I just get angry at myself when I do view porn and then the cycle of anger just starts all over again. And I do want to be the type of man that makes a woman feel safe and respected. Basically I want to be the type of person that I could respect.

[NASCARDaddy]

Nascar,

I hesitate to step in here, got enough on my plate and I get the feeling you might be the type that makes me want to push my head through a brick wall. : )

Don't. I have never done it but I did put my fist through a cinder block wall one and that did not feel very good so I imagine that it [censored] to put your head through a brick wall.

[quote}That being said:

Anyone...ANYONE can do the 'better' part of for better or worse, yeah?

But willing to bet cash money, that you said 'for better OR worse'...

This is the worse part.

Live up to your word, at least do your best in that regard. [/quote]
Actually, being LDS, our wedding ceremony is a little different. Instead of for better or worse we say "for time and all eternity" and that is still what I want. It is just difficult at times because I never imagined that this would happen to us and I never saw it coming. I left for law school in January and things were good and then I come home five months later and within a few weeks she is telling me that she is not happy, she doesn't feel love for me any more, and that she doesn't think our marriage is worth saving. This isn't something that I saw coming for years, it just came out of the blue and I am still trying to process it all.

[NASCARDaddy]

Just got back from a meeting with my bishop (the equivalent of a pastor in the LDS church) and he basically told me that NC is the way to go right now. He also met with my W after services on Sunday and said that he feels that she is struggling emotionally with the decision to file and that based on their meeting together he is not sure that she will follow through with D. He also told me that she told him that things started to go bad about 8 to 10 months ago, which is a much different story than she is telling me.

Just for the record I did not ask him about any of this. I was meeting with him for a different purpose and he volunteered the information to me. I have shared information with him about how I am doing in the past; I feel that I owe that much since the Church is the one paying my therapist. However, until he volunteered this information I have not talked to him about my W without her present. I am not really sure how to process this information or how to make it square with what W is saying to me. I know that one of the 37 rules i ". Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see," but do I weight this information heavier then what I am getting from my W, do I disregard it, or what do I do with it?

[MrBond]

You don't discredit the information, but you just file it away and use it if an opportunity presents itself. The WAS is like a hurricane, you really don't know which way they'll go and they are in constant motion.

Continue to DB and see how her reactions are to you. That's the best way.

[NASCARDaddy]

Okay, so this is a pretty serious question and I something that I have been struggling with this morning. What do you do when the silence get too loud, the space begins to make you claustrophobic, and all you want to do is call her so that you can hear her voice even if she is yelling at you and telling you how much she hates you?

Also my MIL contacted me via Facebook and wants to know what happened between me and my W. She says W "was so much in love with you on your wedding day and she was so happy. What on earth happened?" What should I tell her? How in depth into our problems should I go?

[ericmsant2]

Nascar

I want to get rid of the anger that I carry around with me all the time and when I do get upset I want to be able to deal with it better.

I want a new Jeep dude….but if I DO NOT DO THE WORK (i.e. save money) well then my dream will never be realized. That said, what are YOU doing to get rid of the anger? What is your ACTIONABLE plan?

Actions NOT WORDS.

I don't want my kids and my wife to be scared of me anymore

WHY where they SCARED of YOU to begin with? Psst….it may be one of the reason SHE does not want to TALK. Trust is earned dude and it takes time.

And I want to ditch the porn because I just get angry at myself when I do view porn and then the cycle of anger just starts all over again.

Then JUST DO IT. Period. Make a promise to YOURSELF to change that part of YOU. It may seem that I am making everything appear easy dude – it’s not. One step at a time…and maybe the first step is to start a plan for how you can change some things.

And I do want to be the type of man that makes a woman feel safe and respected. Basically I want to be the type of person that I could respect.

Great GOAL. Can you tell me…what does RESPECT mean TO YOU? How do you DEFINE it? How do YOU FEEL IT? What does someone need to do for YOU to FEEL RESPECTED?

It is just difficult at times because I never imagined that this would happen to us and I never saw it coming.

DBing is not for the faint of Heart. YOU say that you want her BACK….SHOW it buddy. Show it in YOUR Actions! Maybe Nascar she wants RESPECT too (see comment above)…maybe HER definition of RESPECT is TIME and SPACE. Can you give her that? Can you let her go and really FOCUS ON YOU?

she doesn't feel love for me any more,

Ya know I almost broke up with my GF last week…cause how I was FEELING. Guess what? My Feelings CHANGED. SO could hers. A lot of times dude, we the LBS’s need to ride out the storm so that we RESPECT our partners and give them what THEY need. As Jack said…this is the “worse” part.

He also met with my W after services on Sunday and said that he feels that she is struggling emotionally with the decision to file and that based on their meeting together he is not sure that she will follow through with D.

I call that ^^^ HOPE. Look to be honest with you, your M may not make it; however NO ONE knows for sure. What I do know is that DBing, if done properly (properly is defined by each person’s sitch) gives YOU the BEST shot. The key thought that many do not realized and FOCUS on is the ISSUE they had. Many times people just look at the WAW and bi*ch and moan about how F’d up they are or what they are doing to the LBS. The LBS get “stuck” in the pity party woa is me mentality and DELAYS OR AVOIDS dealing with their own chit. Nascar, don’t be that guy. Please dude, FOCUS ON YOU and YOUR LIFE. BECOME the MAN YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE.

What do you do when the silence get too loud, the space begins to make you claustrophobic, and all you want to do is call her so that you can hear her voice even if she is yelling at you and telling you how much she hates you?

YOU DO NOT CALL. YOU do something else, you FOCUS ON YOU. YOU RESPECT HER SPACE.

Nascar, hearing her voice right now is just gonna cause you PAIN.

She says W "was so much in love with you on your wedding day and she was so happy. What on earth happened?" What should I tell her? How in depth into our problems should I go?

Please dude…keep the in-laws out of it. The more you tell them the more your W will feel like you are manipulating her. Trust me, telling a WAS mom and dad usually does not do any good – at least not yet. That time will come buddy. As for what you should say….I would thank her for her concern, express that you love your W and that the two of you are just trying to work through some stuff. Then keep it light buddy. Turn the convo back to your MIL and see how SHE is doing. Keep the convo short.

[NASCARDaddy]

My action plan for getting rid of my anger consists of four steps, 1) identify, 2) therapy, 3) self awareness, and 4) prayer.

1) Identify: I will identify the sources of my anger so that I can understand what triggers an anger response in me. Some of these sources are things that I have recognized for a long time. Being a child of abuse I have been carrying a lot of anger since I was a young man over the abuse and neglect that I suffered as a child. Others have taken time to understand and I am certain that there maybe more that I need to identify. For example it is only in the last week that I realized that one of the reason I would get so angry with my wife is because she would continue to push me to talk about things that were bothering me when I wasn't ready to and so I would lash out because I felt backed into a corner and felt the need to defend against what my old brain perceived as an attack.

2) Therapy: I am currently in therapy with someone who has had a lot of experience working in anger management. Like I said, I have recognized a lot of the sources of my anger for a long time, but I made the mistake of thinking that because I knew why I was angry I could deal with that anger on my own. By working with a therapist I have been able to understand that not only is that a self destructive attitude in and of itself but that by doing so I was only feeding my anger because I would direct more anger inward every time I failed to deal with it or keep it contained on my own.

3) Self Awareness: This is where I am beginning to work at now. By recognizing that a situation is likely to trigger an anger response with me I can short circuit that response and react in a different way. Every time I can break the circuit and react in a way that is different than my W expects is one more step on the road to showing her the changes I am making.

4) I am a spiritual man and so I feel that there is no harm in asking the man upstairs for help now and then. If nothing else, prayer gives me a way to talk about my problems with someone who is absolutely impartial.

WHY where they SCARED of YOU to begin with? Psst….it may be one of the reason SHE does not want to TALK. Trust is earned dude and it takes time.

It is mostly because I don't handle my anger well. When I get angry I will yell, throw things, pace around the room, and slam doors. Although I have never harmed anyone when I have been angry my W is afraid that I might one day and has expressed this fear to my children so that they have adopted it to.

Great GOAL. Can you tell me…what does RESPECT mean TO YOU? How do you DEFINE it? How do YOU FEEL IT? What does someone need to do for YOU to FEEL RESPECTED?

To me respect means that someone takes my feelings into account when making decisions that impact me. It means that they keep an open mind when I am talking to them and don't simply reject my ideas out of hand. It means that rather than trying to force one viewpoint or the other that sometimes we just agree to disagree and move on. It means being trusting and honest with me and that if I need space that you give it to me. It means talking to me when you have a problem rather than going behind my back and telling your best friend what a rat you think I am. And it means that you respect who I am and don't try and pressure me into things.

[NASCARDaddy]

A lot of times dude, we the LBS’s need to ride out the storm so that we RESPECT our partners and give them what THEY need. As Jack said…this is the “worse” part.

This is the hard part for me. Patience has never been my strongest virtue and so I am struggling with the idea that the best thing to do right now is nothing.